Am I making a mistake?

[YoungmumB]

I'm 17 and recently found out I am 7 weeks pregnant. I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now and the relationship hasn't ever really been easy. Since finding out I was pregnant we have had much more arguments and he has decided to suddenly leave his job to top it all off. I just feel really unhappy in the relationship some of the time but I do love him and when we are good it is so good.
I don't want to stay with him just because I am pregnant though and end up ruining mine and the baby's life.
Any suggestions on what to do?

Did you choose to get pregnant?
Where are your parents?

You do realise you won't own this house, even if you and your boyfriend stay together and the likelihood of you playing happy families and the two of you even still being a couple this time next year is very very slim, I'm afraid.

He doesn't work, you don't work, how on earth do you think you can support yourselves and the baby? Even if you don't have rent or a mortgage, what about all the bills connected with water, heating, lighting before you even consider the cost of raising a child.

With the best of motives, this has a huge mess written all over it and I think you could end up in an incredibly bad place this time next year and for several years to come. I think you need to think very long and very hard about your position. In your shoes, I would leave the relationship, not have the baby and get on with having a life. You're so young.

My family are a huge help so wasn't actually all that worried about financial support. I put this in the relationship forum to ask people's opinion on my relationship not ask wether I should keep my unborn child or not. I totally understand people's opinion on the "baby" being just a foetus but I do not see it in that way at all. It is also sad to see the prejudgment on young mums these days I may be young but I am not immature I am very aware of the risk I am taking in having this child and do not think for one second it will be easy. Thank you for all of your replies, I don't think I will be using this platform for advice again.

You asked if you were making a mistake. You asked for suggestions of what to do.

We did that. But apparently we are pre-judging you as a young mum.

I realise it's hard to read.
But I think people just want you to understand that on here most of us are very much pro-choice.
So no-one would judge you if you did want to terminate.
This is totally your choice and you don't have to justify it to anyone on here.
The fact you have lots of family support is great and I wish you all the best.
You do what is right for you!

I asked for advice and help. Not to be told I am being immature and clearly don't know what the real world is like. That is not helpful at all no matter how old a person is.

I totally agree with you . I'm pretty shocked at some of the replies here re whether to keep the baby. I read in your post whether you should stay in the relationship or not.....

I just wanted to say good luck. You sound like you've totally got your head screwed on but take some time to decide about your bf. If things don't work out you still want to be on ok terms for the babies sake.
Glad you have the support of your family.
Take care lovely x

@help1978 thank you so much! That is definitely the kind of replies and support I had hoped to see. X

I agree with PP.
You sound like you have your head screwed on.
And you are tackling your relationship issue which is great.
Get that real life support around you.
You'll be just fine!

My suggestion would be to sort out living,money etc with your family so that you feel safe and confident within your pregnancy.
Look to get a job for the next 6-8 months and save hard for when your baby is born.
I think that your emotions and feelings are wasted on fretting about this relationship and as long as YOU are ok don't waste time/effort on someone who may/may not step up and be a good partner. If YOU are not happy then end it, being a single Mum is very hard work BUT being a Mum is very hard work, if you have support and want this then do it, being a single parent does have advantages as does being a co-parent does.

So you asked for advice but you only wanted advice that you agreed with? This is why people think you're immature. I wish you the best of luck, i really do.

What a horrible post pinkyredrose. Hope you're sitting there really chuffed with yourself
She posted in the relationships section not in the pregnancy section!

Being able to listen to advice you don't want to hear and think about it is a sign of maturity.

A lot of people posting will be older women who have had children in a committed loving relationship and still found parenting hard. Some will have done it as a single mum when the man has left, died, or the woman has left the man but still been tied to a muppet. It's hard. They are trying to help. You're not in a relationship that sounds like it will last, they just want you to think about whether you want to be tied to this man forever and whether your child only deserves a part time/short term dad.

Being able to listen to advice you don't want to hear and think about it is a sign of maturity.

Exactly this.

If you knew what you wanted to here why bother posting in the first place.

That is definitely the kind of replies and support I had hoped to see

Well you should have said you only want replies from people who agree with you.

What are you going to do if you and your bf split?

Is your bf being signed over the house completely with no mortgage etc?

Are your family supportive of your relationship?

My family are a huge help so wasn't actually all that worried about financial support.

Have they actually said they will support you financially?

How do you and your bf propose to support yourselves with no jobs?

These may be harsh questions, but you need to ask them yourself.

I have no problem listening to advice that isn't easy to hear I do have a problem with being called names and being told I am something that I am not.

At 18 I thought I wanted a baby. I was pregnant (accident) with the child of my then-boyfriend who was unconditionally supportive and loving and we never argued.

In the end I chose to have an early abortion as my rational kicked in, and my God am I glad I did now.

I am so, so glad I chose to be pragmatic and give myself a life of my own before choosing to make my life about children.

It always sounds so patronising but you are SO young and there is so much out there for you to experience. You have so much time to have children when your circumstances aren't this bad.

So have you thought about the questions people have posted?

Hi OP. I’m sorry your boyfriend has been causing you so much upset.

I was a teen Mum with a bad partner. I’m 12 years down the line. If I could make my decisions again with hindsight, I’d have chosen differently. It would have saved a lot of hurt for both me and my DC. That’s not to say you should. Just that I think life could be better in the long term for you and future children if you delayed your family until you were with a committed partner in a well established relationship with careers behind you. I know it’s what I wish I had done. I don’t think I should feel guilty for saying that and nor should you feel guilty if you make that decision for yourself.

Yes I have read what everyone has said and I have been thinking about each question people have asked. I do not plan to write my decision on here just based on the amount of judgment. But thank you again to everyone that has replied.

Hi op. Are you still at school? What are your future plans? What qualifications have you got/hope to get? How are you and your boyfriend thinking of supporting yourselves and your baby?

Being a parent is the hardest (and most wonderful) thing I have ever done. I don't know how I would have done it without my husband at my side, or without support from our family.

I think the one thing that no parent is ever prepared for and that you don't realise the full extent of until you are a parent, is that everything slows down and speeds up at the same time. Life goes faster and becomes a blur of chaos and at the same time everything is slower, harder and requires so much more planning. Money and chikdcare and two very difficult aspects to consider too.

The things about being a parent that make it so worthwhile do indeed make it worthwhile. But it's hard. At 17 years old you shouldn't have to bear the brunt of the burden of being a parent or running a house. Many do and they do it very well. The point is that at 17 you shouldn't have to. When I was 17 it really annoyed me when people used to say "you will look back and appreciate what you had", but it's really true. Having children, growing up and being responsible is hard and honestly, think carefully about your decision. I'm not saying you're not, I just think you don't really understand why you'd be getting yourself into....no one ever does!

Judgment? Everyone here has tried their best to respond and give you advice that they'd want to have in your position. The fact you can't see that and just throw your toys out of the pram for getting advice you don't like says a lot about your maturity level. And that's fine, seventeen year olds are often immature! But you're considering becoming a parent. You ought to think very carefully about whether you're ready for this practically or emotionally.

You came to ask about the relationship, could you explain a bit more about how it hasn't ever been easy? Why did he leave his job? How does he feel about the baby?

Perhaps we can give more of the advice you want to hear if we can understand what the problem is. Many of us will have still been in the happy honeymoon stage in the first couple of years of our relationship so there are alarm bells that you have problems already and a baby will certainly make things harder.

Nothing really to add but I agree with a Pp a relationship that early on shouldn't be this hard! I'm also a young (although a bit older than you) single Mum and it is really hard but it's also brilliant. Good luck with whatever you decide about the baby

Hi op!

I was in a similar situation to yourself 10 years ago. I found myself pregnant at 18, decided to continue the pregnancy , and she's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I managed to find work/study around her, and had a lovely time being a young mum, I thrived on taking her out and watching her grow.

DDS dad left when she was 2, he was a loser, couldn't hold down a job and got another girl pregnant. That was a difficult period I have to admit but I got through it.

So now 10 years on, DD is 9 and thriving, she is autistic bit doing great. She sees her father on a weekend and I have a lovely relationship with someone who works, and is great with DD. I also now work part time in a job I love, and may be adding to my family in the future!

Sorry for the long post but you can do this if you really want to. Just get rid of the loser boyfriend quicker! Wish I did!