Need courage and support to leave Husband (EA)

[Underpressure13]

My DH and I have been together for 18 years, married for 11. We have 2 fairly young DC . Since having our first almost a decade ago he has started displaying more and more EA behaviour , which has increased over the years and been particularly bad this last year . He has never been physically abusive , and doesn't control me via relationships with friends and family or my freedom of choice as such , it's more that he belittles me and grinds me down and make me feel crap about myself - especially in terms of my career , not providing for the family ( I work part time and have the children for the remainder) and not trying hard enough to work towards our ( his) future dream goals . He regularly rants at me for up to 2 hours a time , I have recorded him on several occasions over the past 6 months - which he had no idea of of course. Before Christmas he ranted for over 1.5 hours because I had spent £3 on a stocking filler for the kids- leading to him saying that he'd never trusted me with money . He has said many, many hurtful things over the past couple of years, for example ' you're always going to be treading water in your life ' . Aside from all of this , I discovered a year ago that he has an addiction to porn and regularly watches it ( including live streaming etc ) on his phone . I was horrified when I first discovered it but he was so convincing that it wasn't his / had 'popped up' that I gave him the benefit of the doubt . He swore blindly it wasn't to do with him. A year on I found more of the same - he hadn't hidden the pages this time and they popped up one day when I'd borrowed his phone . He eventually admitted it but had no remorse and has not once said sorry . He said he won't give it up - and says it's his choice and that it's not hurting anyone , even though I've told him it's hurting me . Our sex life is non existent ( 3 times in 3.5 years ) partly because I now don't trust him and don't know if I can ever see him in that way again . I've told him I don't think I can get beyond the porn and that I'm thinking of leaving . His response has been ' there's the door, pack your bags then ' , whilst trying - on other occasions - to win me back and change my mind by saying he loves me and being on best behaviour ( which I know won't last) .Ive secretly been to see another house a few days ago which is perfect for me and am looking at divorce papers / mtg with CAB . I'm very worried about his response if it all comes to a head. He has said if I leave him he won't play nicely and I'll mean nothing to him from that point on . I feel terrible for the children , which is probably the only thing keeping me from taking the leap. He is otherwise mostly fantastic with them and they adore him. We live In a fantastic place which we moved to a year ago and on the surface people think we have the ideal life and are so lucky - but I'm also weary that I'm living very rurally , miles from anyone , should this escalate . Part of me knows I need to go , but the fallout with his family / finances ( we're not v well off ) and the children are sometimes too much to bear. I'm stressed and don't know how to get out of this situation . Whenever I bring up the fact we're not working and I'm not happy he looks hurt and says how can I do this to him and be so cold when he works his socks off providing for our family , which is ironic as he spends most of his time making me feel awful . Luckily I have some fantastic friends and a hugely supportive mother . If I leave him I will have to leave the house, as his business is there so there's no way he can leave. Also it's far away from my hometown so I'd prefer to - but I know I'd struggle so much just to pay rent in a new place. I want to be amicable and for us to both have the children and make the best of it but I can see it getting very ugly. I don't want him to lose his business , which he would do if I took half the money / house, so I'm
Willing to leave my part in the property for now , because I want my children to still have access to the wonderful place we moved to when staying with him as it's a dream for them. He doesn't have much empathy and can switch to being 'cold' very quickly. I think he will likely make life very, very hard for me and I worry about his mental health if / once I leave . I do love him and am sad it's come to this but don't think we can go forward in a loving way anymore - at least I can't pretend to. Thanks for reading this far - this is very lengthy I know . Hope someone out there has advice as I've seen so much great advice on here to others in similar positions to me . Thanks in advance all.

Hi, Sorry to hear that you are are having a horrible time. After years of emotional abuse I have just started the separation process so kind of understand where you are coming from. The abuse by my husband is very discreet - like you he wouldn't stop me going out with friends etc but it is the daily shut downs/nagging/criticisms/constant judging that have resulted in me doubting my self and my choices. Its like everything I say or chose to do he feels he has to give me his moral opinion on it - which is 100% of the time negative. He always acts that he is right and admits he doesn't have any empathy and doesn't understand why he offends people. It has been a losing battle trying to get my voice/concerns/opinions heard. After all of our problems over the years I finally said I wanted a divorce expecting things to get worse and he agreed saying that we are not suitable for each other! He is playing the victim now and blames it all on me! I knew this would happen so it didn't bother me.

It is difficult trying to sort out separation with somebody who doesn't respect personal boundaries. Its early days and I know it will probably get worse before it gets better but I am determined not to have my daughter growing up in this environment.

I understand how scary it is for you, but I hear so many people come out the other side saying life is amazing and they wished they had left sooner. This gives me hope although at the moment I feel quite devastated - not for losing him but the dream of a family unit/lots of children/Sunday lunches etc, it will just be me and my girl.

I have thought about divorcing for nearly 2 years so mentally prepared myself by reading books - I highly recommend this book - www.amazon.co.uk/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize-Respond/dp/1440504636?tag=mumsnetforum-21 It is very difficult to explain emotional abuse and get clarity of it in your head and this book does just that and confirms that it is abuse and you are not mad! I found this the other day and again it articulates the abuse - www.huffingtonpost.ca/katie-boland-/emotionally-abusive-relationship_b_6337352.html

Recently I contacted all the solicitors I could who offered a 30 minute consultation and each time I was more equipped with what I wanted to ask. I also researched what benefits I'd be entitled to.

After months of lining up the dominos I am now mentally ready to see this thing through and start a new life with out having to tread on eggshells everyday.

It takes guts and courage to make the change, and although I have no family around I have two friends who I have reached out to ( I usually deal with things by myself) and have been SO supportive.

Thats good you have some support - use anyone you can. I only joined this website today but its extra support.

Sorry if this is a rambling message! x

Intrepidwanderer2018 I can't thank you enough for writing to me and taking the time to offer advice and links - thank you SO much
I've been feeling really low today and sometimes I start questioning myself and that familiar doubting voice nags away at me asking if it really is as bad as I think / have I imagined it etc etc . I know that's all part and parcel of it though . I have read the article you sent and ordered the book a long with the 'Why Does He Do That ' one which I think will really help . Luckily I work away for a couple of days a week , so during that time I can get things read and sorted out and attend appointments . Someone in the family is in family law and is phoning me this wkend to chat and offer guidance as well . I'm sorry you've been through the same too - like you say , I've had a while to come to terms with what's happening and more and more I'm gaining strength and convincing myself that I do have a point and that his behaviour is not normal . Some of my friends are his friends too , and even though they have been supportive , they do find it hard to discuss as they also have loyalties with him . He is mostly very charming and fun and is very liked by everyone . Isn't it always the way ! I feel like I'm waiting in the wings of my life , stage left , ready to make my appearance one day soon . Thankyou for helping me to feel a bit stronger this evening - it means so much . Wishing you all the luck for your next chapter too on the other side x

I know this was long but does anyone else have any advice ? x

Pack your bags hunny n take the new house this guy is a serious knob who don't deserve a nice caring person like u don't feel sorry for this by guy who thinks it's ok to treat u like this tell him that it's over and don't look back if he says he will play dirty tell him he needs to buy u out the house or use will have to sell get ure confidence back and get out there be happy live life not be miserable and put down and be with someone who deserves u never feel guilty for him he brought this on himself and if ure going to be financially short then tell him u need your half of the house value good luck u deserve it and remember this isn't love xx

Since getting home from work a few days ago , he's been on best behaviour most of the time ; making an effort, trying to be attentive , cup of tea in bed etc and trying to make physical contact which I have not welcomed or responded to . Tried to have a conversation about maybe going seperate ways last night , but he doesn't want to talk about it / says he's too tired / doesn't have time etc. He said that I've been ' manageable and malleable lately ' ( yes he really did use the word malleable ?!) and why would I be considering hurting him so much by going. He said he'd be devestated if I left him 'and the kids' to which I reminded him that I wouldn't be leaving the kids , we would be sitting something out hopefully amicably . It worries me that he continues to see it as me leaving them not him in his head and that he might use that against me . He then suggested we go and discuss my 'decision when I've finally decided ' on valentines night , to which I said that's a bit inappropriate for that sort of conversation . He just acts hurt and deflated and says he can't believe I'm doing this when all he's done is a few things I didn't like that I now can't get over. He's made it all my issues and ended up the victim. I worry that he'll have convinced everyone that I've left a perfectly decent guy and wonderful father and people will think I've had a mid life crises . Any advice anyone ? Why do they make it so hard to leave and make us feel like we're all to blame ?

Manageable and malleable... Oh dear, sounds like my XH.

You are doing the right thing, leaving. Such a shame he has to make it difficult, though, as you say. And yy to making you feel to blame: he really is all about him, isn't he? "How can you be so cold?" - like he can't even imagine you to be a separate person with feelings and needs and wants yourself!

It's great you have your eye on a nice house: can you afford it? Can you think of finances post-separation as a sort of puzzle or a challenge? I found it quite fun seeing how little I could live on, partly because everything was so much easier once I was away from H's negativity.

God. manageable and malleable, what the hell does he think you are! Not and equal partner he loves and respects that's for sure and that is what you deserve. You don't need to convince anyone about your motives, just leave. You KNOW you will be happy. Please do it.

I left after the same length of relationship, I am lucky that my sense of self worth was and remains strong though, for me it was about timing. I hadn't loved him for years, his ea killed love off very quickly.

You say you still love yours which for me, is hard to understand but I say that honestly and openly by no means critically. My advice would be to think about that, really why do you love him? The ranting? The pornography? The belittling?

I mean really think about it and try to find your anger and strength to go build your new happy life. The sun came out when I got rid of my life sucking joy snatcher. It can come out for you too.

At the moment you seem to be planning to be nice to someone who you admit will make things very ugly.

Stop thinking like that - half of this house (minimum) is yours and you need to realise that now to make a new home for yourself and your children. He will have to deal with the consequences of his behaviour.
How often will he have the children? I bet it won't be 50-50 custody so you need those resources to create your new home.

Please leave him.

He is abusing you. You deserve so much better than to be hurt every day. Words hurt!

Leave him and let the lawyers sort out everything else like your home, you are legally entitled to half anyway.

I was physically assaulted by the father of two of my children. I left after the final attack with just clothing. He kept everything else. I didn't care. I just wanted to be free.

Please just leave him

My ex was the perfect person to every one else. People truly have no idea what goes on behind closed doors

You're incredibly brave. I left my abusive partner. I'm sure he told other people how 'awful' I was. But you know what - it doesn't matter. The people who matter and love you know the truth.
This will be better for the children - once and emotionally abusive person - always emotionally abusive; he will most certainly direct it towards the children when they're older.
Yes it's hard to leave.he will cry. Beg. Bad mouth you. Sweet talk you. Manipulate you via the children

Yes you'll have highs and lows. It does get better! In fact if I can speak 8 years down the line - life is absolutely great and leaving my ex husband and stepping out on my own was the best thing I ever did!
It's scary. But you CAN do it.

Thanks everyone for your responses - I know you are all right . When we are in the thick of the storm it's so hard to see clearly isn't it ? The other night my daughter said that her Daddy shouts more than other daddies do which was an eye opener for me as she really adores him , but she says she's 'bored of everything ' which worries me that life is affecting her mental health too. I think she would cope with the new situation once she had time to adjust but I can't imagine she'll forgive me for leaving. He will say ' mummy didn't love me anymore ' etc . I'm also feeling terrible about his lovely parents reaction , who have helped us so much financially over the years . I guess I feel very guilty . In their eyes I'll be walking away from a dream scenario and ruining their sons business potentially . His family have no idea of what's gone on. We were very happy for the first 9/10 years of our relationship so everyone thinks we're still the same . When we moved house , his parents had come to visit and I was having a lie in one Sunday . It has stayed in my mind that he cane upstairs while I was just waking , said 'get up ' without any hint of humour in his voice and then pulled the entire quilt onto the floor off me and left . It's things like that which have stuck with me . Yes I say I love him but actually I think I love the memories - the old him . I think I checked out emotionally years ago .

Yeah, I get that.
Listen, this is your life and you can't live it for others, it really doesn't matter what friends and family think, of course the children are different and as they grow they start to really see the truth and it affects them.

Yours are young now and your home life is their normal but as they grow up they won't like that 'normal' I feel it is far better to show kids that mum/women are strong and do not need to put up with poor treatment in their relationships and actually 'mummy didn't love me anymore' is fine, it's the truth due to his behaviour. You can tell them child friendly versions of the truth 'mummy doesn't like or agree with the shouting and doesn't want it anymore.

He disrespects you terribly, that's no way to live. I think because I got out myself I want everyone to feel the same happiness in life, but I do know it's difficult - very worth it though, I promise you that.

Don't worry about your children blaming you for leaving, they won't. From what you've said, living with him is very stressful for them, and they understand more than you think.
FWIW, I loved my dad, but felt very relieved when my parents split up, because he was shouty and unpredictable and we had to tread very carefully around him. I was very tense as a child, and felt a sense of freedom when I wasn't living with him any more.
Your husband sounds awful, very controlling and cold towards you. The financial stuff you mentioned is dreadful, as is his threat to be difficult if you leave. He has bullied you into thinking that you deserve less than him. I can't quite imagine what his business could be if it can only operate from your jointly owned house- it doesn't sound like he's a farmer?
You are not responsible for him and he's made it clear he doesn't feel responsible for you. Sounds like he's a cold pervert actually. Your children would be better off away from someone who doesn't respect their mother and is addicted to porn.

I've got back from work tonight and I'm wiped out - just drained mentally and physically . Have said I'm going to bed early , but he's started talking about money again and that he's worried about me . He says that I've been keeping him hanging on for 6 months and in that time he's changed and has tried really hard and has put in a lot of effort but that I haven't put in effort or tried to make things improve and it's making him really sad . He's gone outside as says it's easier than staying in and talking to me . He says I've got issues and he's concerned . I said that the only issues I have have come from him and his behaviour . He says that's very hurtful , he's got a lot better lately apparently . I can't bear anymore of this . My head feels like it'll explode if he continues this way . I've come to the spare room , but now worry that when he gets back in he'll be cross I've done this / made a stand as I've never slept out of our bed before . Maybe I should hang tight and not rock the boat and Go to my mums tomorrow and stay there . What do you think ? Thanks x

I'm back in our room , feels more normal . I will make a plan with my mum for tomorrow . I feel mad saying this and reading it back. Sounds like a thriller film. I think I've got to the end of my coping mechanisms and just have to get out now x

I think you do what you need to do to get some rest tonight.

Look, how he feels is neither here nor there, you are not happy, you are allowed to end a marriage or relationship for any or no reason, being unhappy is plenty of reason.

Do yourself and your kids the favour of planning a happy stress free life away from this dick.

He will ramp up the niceness and slide back to cuntiness because this is what such men do, they just do and they won't change, it's a very well worn script - an old and boring script. If you don't believe that I'll see you back here in 6 months.

He is not worth more than you, not by a long way.

OP you really have to stop interacting with him and trying to get him to see reason or taking notice of him in any way. It's waaaay past that stage. Get moving forward with a solicitor and follow the advice. He will say many things now but you have to just hear white noise or you will be driven nuts by this. Don't expect him to proactive in anything. You have to do this. ALL of it.

Hope you are okay. I'm in a very similar situation (minus the pornography) and am trying to pluck up the courage to leave. Please don't want away from what you are financially owed, you need to think of yourself and the kids and your own future. Remember it's his fault that you have to leave. His behaviour caused this.

I left my stbxh a few months ago, after thinking about it on and off for literally years! It's very hard to make a decision and see things clearly when you are right in the middle of a situation like this, especially with a dh like yours who seems to be a master of head fuckery.

Would it be possible for you to go to your dps for a short break/temporary separation to give yourself time to clear your head a bit?

Have you ever tried to write down everything that you feel about him and the situation and email it to him? Might be worth it if it's impossible to communicate with him verbally, and my also be worth having it in writing if he tries to twist everything round in the future (as he will).

It's irrelevant if HE thinks he has been better. You know he hasn't. He is manipulating you, telling you how you should feel and act. He is controlling you.
Leave him and take half the house too!! It's for your children in the long run

Have you been to The Freedom Project? Contact woman’s aid and ask about local agencies that can help you and offer support. I have found the freedom project amazing in helping me understand my STBXH’s abusive behaviour. They can also help you access the right agencies to help you leave safely and make a plan of what to do next. You can also hetmediation on legal aid, which could be helpful for sorting out arrangements for children etc.
You are doing th right thing. You will feel so much better once you have left. Best of luck. Xxx

Sorry to poke my nose in, but is the freedom programme for when you've left?

The freedom programme is for anyone who wants to know more about abuse, you don’t have to have left your partner and I think they have another course for after you have left. It’s really supportive and non-judgemental. The one I go to even has a free crèche, which is amazing. I would encourage anyone to go if they are interested.