Need courage and support to leave Husband (EA)

[Underpressure13]

My DH and I have been together for 18 years, married for 11. We have 2 fairly young DC . Since having our first almost a decade ago he has started displaying more and more EA behaviour , which has increased over the years and been particularly bad this last year . He has never been physically abusive , and doesn't control me via relationships with friends and family or my freedom of choice as such , it's more that he belittles me and grinds me down and make me feel crap about myself - especially in terms of my career , not providing for the family ( I work part time and have the children for the remainder) and not trying hard enough to work towards our ( his) future dream goals . He regularly rants at me for up to 2 hours a time , I have recorded him on several occasions over the past 6 months - which he had no idea of of course. Before Christmas he ranted for over 1.5 hours because I had spent £3 on a stocking filler for the kids- leading to him saying that he'd never trusted me with money . He has said many, many hurtful things over the past couple of years, for example ' you're always going to be treading water in your life ' . Aside from all of this , I discovered a year ago that he has an addiction to porn and regularly watches it ( including live streaming etc ) on his phone . I was horrified when I first discovered it but he was so convincing that it wasn't his / had 'popped up' that I gave him the benefit of the doubt . He swore blindly it wasn't to do with him. A year on I found more of the same - he hadn't hidden the pages this time and they popped up one day when I'd borrowed his phone . He eventually admitted it but had no remorse and has not once said sorry . He said he won't give it up - and says it's his choice and that it's not hurting anyone , even though I've told him it's hurting me . Our sex life is non existent ( 3 times in 3.5 years ) partly because I now don't trust him and don't know if I can ever see him in that way again . I've told him I don't think I can get beyond the porn and that I'm thinking of leaving . His response has been ' there's the door, pack your bags then ' , whilst trying - on other occasions - to win me back and change my mind by saying he loves me and being on best behaviour ( which I know won't last) .Ive secretly been to see another house a few days ago which is perfect for me and am looking at divorce papers / mtg with CAB . I'm very worried about his response if it all comes to a head. He has said if I leave him he won't play nicely and I'll mean nothing to him from that point on . I feel terrible for the children , which is probably the only thing keeping me from taking the leap. He is otherwise mostly fantastic with them and they adore him. We live In a fantastic place which we moved to a year ago and on the surface people think we have the ideal life and are so lucky - but I'm also weary that I'm living very rurally , miles from anyone , should this escalate . Part of me knows I need to go , but the fallout with his family / finances ( we're not v well off ) and the children are sometimes too much to bear. I'm stressed and don't know how to get out of this situation . Whenever I bring up the fact we're not working and I'm not happy he looks hurt and says how can I do this to him and be so cold when he works his socks off providing for our family , which is ironic as he spends most of his time making me feel awful . Luckily I have some fantastic friends and a hugely supportive mother . If I leave him I will have to leave the house, as his business is there so there's no way he can leave. Also it's far away from my hometown so I'd prefer to - but I know I'd struggle so much just to pay rent in a new place. I want to be amicable and for us to both have the children and make the best of it but I can see it getting very ugly. I don't want him to lose his business , which he would do if I took half the money / house, so I'm
Willing to leave my part in the property for now , because I want my children to still have access to the wonderful place we moved to when staying with him as it's a dream for them. He doesn't have much empathy and can switch to being 'cold' very quickly. I think he will likely make life very, very hard for me and I worry about his mental health if / once I leave . I do love him and am sad it's come to this but don't think we can go forward in a loving way anymore - at least I can't pretend to. Thanks for reading this far - this is very lengthy I know . Hope someone out there has advice as I've seen so much great advice on here to others in similar positions to me . Thanks in advance all.

Hi OP - you are doing a good job.

How are you getting on, hope you aren't stuck in a snowy house with him.

You wanted to leave him - sex chat is unacceptable.

Take care

Hey, I have read some of your replies to others but not read everyone else’s.
I really feel for you and totally understand where you’re coming from.
My ex husband was exactly the same and I tried so so many times to get up and leave. It was so hard. I was worried about the kids and what they would think and what he would say to them.
He was a complete narcissist, and I never knew this untill I’d read about it.
I just stayed as I was scared and didn’t think I could afford it.
But eventually years later and it did take years to build the courage and I walked away. And man it was the biggest bestest thing I’d ever done. But also the scariest.
And for a whole year and still now he has been awful and stalked me and said stuff to the kids but I had expected that. But I have coped through the tears and I have even rang his mum to help me out.
And I miss the other side of my family but that couldn’t stop me.

I have faith that you will do it in your own time. You will know when it’s right.
You can and will find happiness xx

Hi everyone - sorry it's been a while since I've been on , but I have positive news 🙂 I've done quite a lot of progressing since last here - so much of that is a result of your help and advice and listening to the one recording I've saved for when I doubt myself and falter. I accepted the house last week . 2 weeks ago my STBXH and I started chatting about how we would move on and even though he said he really wanted to work on saving us, I said I'd made my decision. I told him about the house ( he was ok about all of this , just sad it seemed ) I explained when I'd be moving and that we'd have to sort all finances out prior to me going including the kids shared coparenting arrangements . Anyway long story short, he cried a lot ( has previously only cried once in 18 years that I'd seen ) he begged me to reconsider - I held my resolve throughout . We told our daughter a week ago - that was awful , she was devastated . Actually though , she has sprung back seemingly quite fast so far and seems ok at the moment . Monitoring her closely but she has seen pictures of the new house and regularly asks questions in preparation . Haven't told toddler yet . STBXH has been mostly very cooperative throughout and seems to be accepting of my decision. He's been on best behaviour and a bit in denial I think. Still attempting physical contact and seems to forget himself regularly - but I'm in the spare room these days so boundaries are easier . He has shown some possible financially controlling behaviour via wanting to split the finances down the middle and still work from our joint account , giving me extra of his money and working from the same financial pot , which both seems very fair , but also sends alarm bells for the future off in my head . I'm not sure that I can afford to live from my own finances that's the problem . He's refused my request to have the children 4 days to his 3 ( child tax credits etc would have helped me manage my living costs that way ) so now we will have to split the money . He's also been talking about keeping a toothbrush at my house ' for those times I drop off the kids and have a meal and maybe it'd be necessary to sleep over ' which I find odd and inappropriate given what we're doing . He also suggests we do things with the kids once a month together - which seems fine I theory - but then adds I can stay over afterwards . So I do still see glimpses of the old him coming through , much as he's acting very amicably and cooperatively . There's no doubt in my mind he feels we'll get back together after 6 months . I think for now I just have to say nothing of my feelings that I don't agree and just wait until I'm free in my own place and then I will see - and he will realise - down the line that that's not going to happen . It feels very surreal to be living at home , going about normal family line , sleeping in the spare room and all getting along pretty well , knowing what's just around the order . But I remind myself what led me to this and I know - deep down - that the behaviour would resurface given a chance . Moving day is 31st I think so I'll let you all know how I get on . For now I'm taking each day at a time and holding my nerve . Thanks for asking and checking in on me xx

Glad to hear from you, OP. I did wonder when you went quiet if something bad had happened, since this is a risky time.

I think you are being very sensible to allow him to think this will all blow over in six months. When you are safely in your new place is the time to be putting boundaries in place. My XH turned up at the house on moving day just to see what it was like/help move some stuff in. I didn't let him through the door. It felt petty, but afterwards I was relieved that it was still my space. If he'd even made a positive comment about a room, say, he'd have been part of it, but as it was, not letting him in made the space safe to start being myself and start getting him out of my head. I think it was over a year before I let him in to use the loo!

I thought I'd come back and update you and maybe help others in a similar situation too .A lot has happened over the past few weeks , the long story short version is that I'm moving to my new house at the end of this month . I'm currently still living at home in the spare room, we've told the children , we've all Been to see my new place ( he stayed in the car and sulked all day afterwards ) but the kids quite like it and even he has said it's a nice place if I have to be going somewhere . It's not easy though - today he's been horrible and is back to his old controlling put downs . It just washes over me now and reaffirms what I'm doing . I know it's the right thing . I'm in the middle of sorting out all the paperwork etc and bills / new work but I'm NEARLY THERE !!!!! I'm so proud of myself - and I just want to say to anyone who's going through the same at the hands of EA's - don't stand for it one minute longer . Get out of there . It's a hard road but we'll all get there and boy do we deserve to . Thanks everyone ( I may be back but for now thanks ) Xx

That sounds positive, OP! Wishing you - as far as possible - a peaceful next two weeks. (Tuning out of his nonsense helps - well done!)

Well done!

I'm sorry your in this situation. Its a good idea to start looking for a way out you need to get away from this man asap he's a bully pure and simple. I know you say you're worried how your children will handle it and they will hate you but in the long term they won't, I grew up in this situation my bio dad was emotionally and physically abusive to my mum and on occasion myself and my siblings. my mum eventually left and at the time i was confused and upset at being taken away from my home but years later when my mum finally told me the truth i told her she did the best thing in leaving and she also had to put up with a vicious custody battle and at then of it all bio dad stopped bothering and me and my siblings finally had enough and said we didnt want to see him no more and a court order was put in place to stop him contacting us. Basically what I'm trying to say is your children may be heartbroken at first maybe angry but kids are resilient and they will adjust and in the long term they will know you did the right thing. As you say your daughter saying daddy shouts is a wake up call my mum was shocked when she realised how much me and my siblings remembered (she thought she hid well from us) and you definitely dnt want your children thinking this is normal behaviour.

And so you should be proud of yourself, its not easy!! xxxx
Im just over a year down the road, my stbxh left me, i was totally devastated i thought he was the best thing ever!! but terns out he was very emotionally and financially abusive. The only reason i thought he was so fantastic was because he made me feel as if i was nothing and that he was so great. He has said some really really nasty stuff to me, eg "i think of you as bloody useless, just like my mother", "i want to have sex with someone whos not the mother of my children". "i know it would be horrible if anything happened to one of the children, but it wouldn't define me" the list goes on and on. I also had very little choices financially and know little about the bills, even though i worked part time i had little choices of how the money was spent.
What i would say is be careful very careful. Generally speaking if a man (or a woman) is controlling and manipulative while married they will be the same if not worse while divorcing. He plays games, says im a bad parent, and generally picks up on any of weeknss that i have! He struggles to conform in any way at all, the divorce would have been very different if i had allowed him to do and have what he wanted but the min i put my foot down hes been a total nightmare. Im now the enemy and its a full blown war. Just be prepared that things can turn ugly and very quickly. Keep an eye on the joint finances as he can rack up debt and even though its in nis name its considered in the final divorce settlement.
Good luck

Hi everyone , I just wanted to say that I spent my first night in my new house last night. The house is wonderful, so cosy and feels safe and is full of my things . Tomorrow the kids join me there too. It's weird going home to an empty , dark house but once I'm inside I don't feel alone . What's strange is not having that person to talk to to share your day with, but then I remember that so many of those talks ended up in twisted emotionally controlling rants that went on for hours. I only have to listen back to old recordings to realise I've made the right decision. It hurts that he's told everyone how upset he is that I could leave him after 18 years and that I haven't made an effort or wanted to try marriage guidance etc. He's painting such a false picture of what the reality is and even though he once admitted we needed a divorce and that he'd totally messed it up, now he claims it's 50/50 and I have my part to play too. This is the story he's convinced himself is true so that he can pass on some of his guilt I think. Anyway , the main thing is im free! Good luck to all of you in the same position . You can and you will do it . And thanks to everyone who's posted for your ongoing support. No doubt there'll be rocky times ahead but I've come far x