Need courage and support to leave Husband (EA)

[Underpressure13]

My DH and I have been together for 18 years, married for 11. We have 2 fairly young DC . Since having our first almost a decade ago he has started displaying more and more EA behaviour , which has increased over the years and been particularly bad this last year . He has never been physically abusive , and doesn't control me via relationships with friends and family or my freedom of choice as such , it's more that he belittles me and grinds me down and make me feel crap about myself - especially in terms of my career , not providing for the family ( I work part time and have the children for the remainder) and not trying hard enough to work towards our ( his) future dream goals . He regularly rants at me for up to 2 hours a time , I have recorded him on several occasions over the past 6 months - which he had no idea of of course. Before Christmas he ranted for over 1.5 hours because I had spent £3 on a stocking filler for the kids- leading to him saying that he'd never trusted me with money . He has said many, many hurtful things over the past couple of years, for example ' you're always going to be treading water in your life ' . Aside from all of this , I discovered a year ago that he has an addiction to porn and regularly watches it ( including live streaming etc ) on his phone . I was horrified when I first discovered it but he was so convincing that it wasn't his / had 'popped up' that I gave him the benefit of the doubt . He swore blindly it wasn't to do with him. A year on I found more of the same - he hadn't hidden the pages this time and they popped up one day when I'd borrowed his phone . He eventually admitted it but had no remorse and has not once said sorry . He said he won't give it up - and says it's his choice and that it's not hurting anyone , even though I've told him it's hurting me . Our sex life is non existent ( 3 times in 3.5 years ) partly because I now don't trust him and don't know if I can ever see him in that way again . I've told him I don't think I can get beyond the porn and that I'm thinking of leaving . His response has been ' there's the door, pack your bags then ' , whilst trying - on other occasions - to win me back and change my mind by saying he loves me and being on best behaviour ( which I know won't last) .Ive secretly been to see another house a few days ago which is perfect for me and am looking at divorce papers / mtg with CAB . I'm very worried about his response if it all comes to a head. He has said if I leave him he won't play nicely and I'll mean nothing to him from that point on . I feel terrible for the children , which is probably the only thing keeping me from taking the leap. He is otherwise mostly fantastic with them and they adore him. We live In a fantastic place which we moved to a year ago and on the surface people think we have the ideal life and are so lucky - but I'm also weary that I'm living very rurally , miles from anyone , should this escalate . Part of me knows I need to go , but the fallout with his family / finances ( we're not v well off ) and the children are sometimes too much to bear. I'm stressed and don't know how to get out of this situation . Whenever I bring up the fact we're not working and I'm not happy he looks hurt and says how can I do this to him and be so cold when he works his socks off providing for our family , which is ironic as he spends most of his time making me feel awful . Luckily I have some fantastic friends and a hugely supportive mother . If I leave him I will have to leave the house, as his business is there so there's no way he can leave. Also it's far away from my hometown so I'd prefer to - but I know I'd struggle so much just to pay rent in a new place. I want to be amicable and for us to both have the children and make the best of it but I can see it getting very ugly. I don't want him to lose his business , which he would do if I took half the money / house, so I'm
Willing to leave my part in the property for now , because I want my children to still have access to the wonderful place we moved to when staying with him as it's a dream for them. He doesn't have much empathy and can switch to being 'cold' very quickly. I think he will likely make life very, very hard for me and I worry about his mental health if / once I leave . I do love him and am sad it's come to this but don't think we can go forward in a loving way anymore - at least I can't pretend to. Thanks for reading this far - this is very lengthy I know . Hope someone out there has advice as I've seen so much great advice on here to others in similar positions to me . Thanks in advance all.

Sorry I called it the freedom project earlier but it is programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Hi everyone - I haven't had access to internet all day , so have just come on using my mum's phone to let you know I'm doing ok. I have left him tonight . My mum and I planned it and I have the kids here at hers too. I told him my decision and he wasn't happy- it was all my fault ofcourse. It's been a terrible day and I'm not sure where I'll go from here but it feels a relief to have done it. I'm not going back there ever again . I feel like I've got a huge mountain to climb but I'll get there. Thanks for all your support. My own friends have sometimes struggled to support me or check in because I guess no one understands unless they've experienced it - not really anyway. So thanks for being there. MN is such a brilliant resource for us all X

Welcome to your new life! Yes the next few months will be rocky and there will be hurdles but you will navigate them and come out happy and peaceful.

I wish you well, you're going to be just fine lady 🌹🌹🌹

Op, I'm six months ahead of you, after a 3 decades long relationship. I'm happier than I've been for a long time. It was hard, but is getting better all the time. 💐

Ok - so I'm now in this situation . I know most of you ( maybe all of you ) will wonder what the hell I'm doing and I do wonder myself and probably deserve a slapped wrist , but please try and hear me out and tell me what you think. I need to know an outsiders perspective on this latest development . So last week , a few days after many long phone calls I went back to visit to a) take the kids there as he had the week off and was missing them badly and b) to talk openly and at length about everything that'd happened and everything he'd done to get us in this mess in the first place . He said he'd done a huge amount of soul searching and realised the causes behind his actions and behaviours and wanted the chance to sit down together to explain etc. At first I said I would bring my mum with me as didn't fancy staying over feeling vulnerable and weird . He said this was really hurtful and that I was insinuating that he might hurt me or something - he said this was way more of an insult than even threatening to leave him . In the end I went back alone and it was actually fine . We talked for 3.5 hours about everything and he explained / tried to validate ( maybe ?) his actions - the root cause ofcourse was childhood experiences and upbringing surprise surprise but it was all very reasonable / understandable . I could see where he was coming from , knowing my IL's . The only part we didn't get onto which we've planned to talk about tomorrow night is the porn habit . He says this also links into his past and he knows where it began but wants to explain properly . In the 5 days since then he's been pretty good , no EA behaviours , mostly great with the kids - sometimes a bit too disciplinarian for my liking but I'm very opposite there anyway and like a much softer approach . It's awkward because initially I said I was just going back to talk things over and plan next steps practically and amicably ( thinking money / rents/ childcare / moving out etc ) but now he's acting like we're back together and trying to hug me , saying how happy he is we're working on the relationship etc and telling his family that we're going to try to work things through , when I've said I'm still undecided . I've just heard from the people who own the house I had planned to move to and they want an answer or see going to have to advertise it ( it'll be snapped up instantly ) . I feel like I'm standing in the doorway between two worlds and two futures and I just. Don't. Know. What. To. Do . I wish someone else could make this decision for me . I just don't know if I can ever return to a place of true love and intimacy with him again , even if we can become friends again. Also I have a huge doubt in my mind that he will never choose my wishes and feelings over his porn habit- I know this is probably the case as this week when he was busy outside and had left his phone on the table I looked at the search history to see if he was still dabbling with it and , even after our long talk and his explanation of his behaviour the night before, I saw that he'd been on the site during the time I took the kids to school. It made me feel like he will never give it up no matter how I feel. It was really disappointing after everything . I know you will probably read this and think I've been so weak to give it a try again ( though I haven't actually told him we're back on we're just cohabiting and coparenting for now) . When I read this back I feel a bit of a mug and I know you'll not hold back but feel free. Maybe I need to be told before I've lost the chance is carved out for myself . Please tell me if you think it could work now he's trying and admitted lots of things / says he loves me / never been so down in his life when I was gone or whether you think I've just been coerced back into believing a false hope ? TIA x

I think you'd be mad, sorry
It's your life though and you know him best.

Thanks Luxury, I know you're probably right . Even thinking of staying is making me feel trapped and like I've put everyone before myself - which I probably have - I guess I'm just torn about the kids and how this will be a huge upheaval for them after having only moved away to where we are a year ago . They've already been through so many changes . I also don't think I'll manage financially - we have quite a bit of debt that needs paying off each month and H told me that I'm already tied into paying off stuff at our house , before thinking of even trying to make my part time job stretch to covering a single life ( more I think if it that's just another way of controlling and keeping me there isn't it ) . I just wish some of my friends were helping me with this but they've all gone very quiet . Even so just writing here is helping . Thanks for getting back x

Please do leave and even if you end up going back in 6 months or so, you will be able to make a clear decision. If you don't leave now you will always wonder what if. If he really is committed to change then you can return.

OP: do what you have to do. See how it goes if that is what you want, but make sure you have space and itme to think about what you want. My guess is, he will be on his best behavior for a while, but it will creep back in.

I have seen it with my ex. Even one year later, he tries to be nice, says lets be amicable, then starts abusing me again on text etc. Difference is now I can walk away.

Just make sure you are in touch with what you feel. Don;t let him sideline you. Get some counselling individually if you can. Observe.

By the way, he's trying to guilt you. So if you do leave again,. he will say to everyone "she didn't even want to try". Its like shutting the door when the horse has already bolted.

I'm sorry I think I sounded harsh, it's just I've been in your shoes, tried again, the big talks the digging deep but it never lasted.

Op

Take the house in a short lease and assess the situation from there.

Do not give this opportunity up. You didn’t go this far to fall for his story?

Of course he is remorseful but people rarely change and going on the porn site when you went to the school is outrageous! And very unhealthy

I’m not against men watching porn but that takes the biscuit

Or if you think people really can change still move out and watch him change from the comfort of your new armchair

Oh and it’s no surprise he blames his upbringing- it is likely he witnessed abuse and is simply repeating the pattern with you.

Your own children are also very likely to date an abuser or even become abusive as it is simply what they know and knew from their earliest years.

This is a very useful phrase to learn and repeat to yourself when you feel guilty which you will.

'He has done this to himself'

Mine also blames his upbringing but there comes a time when you are an adult and parent yourself to deal with it and not put your own children through the misery. He can work on himself away from you, if he means it he will do that.
For me, once the love had gone that was it, I knew it was too little too late and I have never been happier without that millstone around my neck.

Thankyou all - you have actually made things very clear for me today . Time away to assess a situation is a good way to put it / think of it and then I can see how I feel once there, removed from the situation. I know he will say that if I go he'll never have me back - and he's so stubborn he'll probably stick to his word but that again will demonstrate that he's just not capable of putting others needs first and can't begin to accept his part in this . He does need time to work on himself and I think counselling would benefit hugely . Yes he's been through things - it wasn't abuse just parents who showed no intimacy who he didn't even once see kissing , so he's learnt not to be intimate and doesn't understand how to show affection . I'm not sure where his EA has creeped in but that's not my problem . The porn might not have been a huge issue if it wasn't for the secrecy and lies around it - and the fact we have barely had an intimate relationship for 3,5 years. He admits he's a risk taker and a thrill chaser so I can't see him ever giving it up . He keeps things from me more and more lately I've noticed ( hospital appointments / procedures ) and he never used to be that secretive . I wonder what else he will hold back in the future . I will give this a big think today as am way for work until tomorrow so I've got good thinking time . Thanks again x

I should add that the other night when talking things through he said that he was amazed I'd left - he actually said he never thought I'd have the guts and he was proud of me for doing it , it reminded him of the old me who was more gregarious and confident . The more I think of this now the crosser I feel . I'm still the same person inside . He might even have said he loved me more for doing it . It all sounded very normal at the time but now I question his motives saying that . Didn't think I'd have the guts !Grrr

OP, you do need to leave him, but I really think you need to see a solicitor.

I don't want him to lose his business , which he would do if I took half the money / house, so I'm Willing to leave my part in the property for now

Do you think he would care if it was your business? He wouldn't.

Please get your divorce, and get your half of the house and money.

Your kids will be fine in a different house.

He has been abusive, is abusive, and will always be abusive. He will never be your friend. Read others experiences on here. They all play the same cards before they show their hand. You are, understandably, avoiding the inevitable.

I'm heading home tonight and planning to talk through the porn issue, leading on to saying that I know he's still been doing it and lying to me/ hiding it from me . Feeling very apprehensive about finding a way to say ' and for that reason I'm out ' ( even though there are a myriad of other reasons but this one seems to strike a chord with him ) I'm afraid he'll be very difficult , it will create an awful atmosphere tomorrow when the kids are around and we're trying to enjoy our holidays off school , I'll feel very vulnerable ( even though I'm 99% sure he'd never get physical ) and I'm not sure what the next step would be . Financially I feel so unprepared but only have until the wkend to take the lovely new place . I need to have done it all by then , yet he's at home thinking we've patched things up. What did make me sit up and smell the coffee was listening to a recording of one of his rants from the other week where he said that it wasn't his fault if he made the children cry , it was their choice . Wow , that got me . I need an army of support so if anyone can cheer me on in this or give last minute support and tips please do . Thanks xx

Take the house. You're not burning your bridges but giving yourself and him also the space to sort your head out,

You can't think when you're tense and stressed. Space is a great friend.

Remember the mantra
'He has done this to himself'

A happy life is just there over that small hill, go climb it.

Well you don't need to think of a reason. You just say you have made your decision and this is what you want

Cheering you on loudly from here>>
Remember, diamonds are created @underpressure13 and you're sparkling!

Just read the whole thread and admire your clear-headed thinking @underpressure. You did so many sound things (like recording the rants to play back later when in doubt), I am sure you will arrive at the best solution. I have no tips, but kind of hope you end up taking the plunge to leave as his issues sound very deep-seated. Good luck and thinking of you!

How are you getting on -underpressure- ? I've found this thread as I am I think very soon going to be in a similar position but don't know where to start! Keep burying my head in the sand but know I need to do something! where are you at with your situation?