Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

Parker - it’s rarely as simple as that

My own situation was very complex and not one I want to discuss on a public forum

This thread.. I've had a very troubled life and at sixty am still grappling with issues from my childhood and abandonment ....and still very much in touch with the little boy who would cry alone in the woods ...
Sunday afternoons can still leave me sad.

I think one of the things i still feel is how 'wet' and whiny one was made to feel for expressing any sadness ...this came up recently when an acquaintance said how annoyed he got listening to a phone in about boarding school ..."all these whiny saddoes going on about how it has damaged them .." He of course loved his time at boarding school but has no self awareness of how his arrogance aloofness and classic public schoolboy persona has negatively impacted his own family .

I was a day girl at an all girls boarding school and still have many friends from that school (secondary). Some were fine with the experience but probably wouldn't send their own kids off and some friends who are still totally traumatized by it.
I know my Mum had my friends out on exiat every single weekend and didn't care how many and she cooked Sunday roast for whoever was there. 20 years on my friends stay in touch with my Mum which is lovely really and she was their Mum away from Mum
My FIL was sent but off at 7 with parents India and is still screwed up by it !!

Also I don't think I could bear to send mine off even weekly boarding . But I did have friends who wanted to board at secondary and asked to do so and loved it

Also sorry 5 and 7 really is terribly young and I can't imagine sending mine (same ages now) away at that age
What made your parents send you so young op ?

yolofish * "I dont understand why the "it was marvellous, I'm not emotionally stunted" brigade are even here, if I am quite honest? This is about those who have experienced life struggles as a result (maybe? possibly? probably?) from boarding.*"

Actually the OP didn't ask for just negative experiences so I think a variety of experiences are valid !
I do believe from my own friends that some do actually enjoy the experience of boarding/ from reading these posts it maybe hinges on whether it was forced or by choice , the age , and the family relationship overall.
In any case the op asked for opinions therefore both positive and negative are surely valid

If I'd been put in boarding school, I would infer my parents didn't want me around and pay them back for it. I'd go, but I'd make sure they didn't keep me there.

Is anyone open to talking abt which school ? I only ask because I recently attended my xx year reunion at an exclusive all girls boarding school and the whole thing was a massive pitch because obviously we're now the mothers of the school aged kids !! I was a bit star struck by how marvellous it all was until my (border) mate pointed that out !!
Having said that we went to look at the houses my friends were in and they've been renovated and are now possibly nicer than our own homes ha ha
I'm not digging for gossip but I do feel my school was a bit more concerned about pastoral care than others but that could also just be my own experience

yolofish * "I dont understand why the "it was marvellous, I'm not emotionally stunted" brigade are even here, if I am quite honest? This is about those who have experienced life struggles as a result (maybe? possibly? probably?) from boarding.*"

Because we would like to express our sadness at those of you who have suffered, and also show that there is also a positive side to boarding and that children can leave as happy, well balanced individuals who go on to have equally happy adult lives with fulfilling, loving relationships. I am one of those people, as are many of my school friends with whom I am still in regular contact. I chose to attend boarding school, it was not forced upon me by my parents and I have friends whose children are currently very happy at boarding school, having also expressed a strong desire to attend.

I agree that happy stories are just as valid as sad ones. What I'm finding rather distressing on this thread is the happy story tellers dismissing any other experiences with glib explanations of why other people weren't as happy as them. There doesn't seem to be any real examination by the happy brigade of the potential damage that can be caused to parent -child relationships and to emotional development by separating a child from their family for lengthy periods of time through childhood and adolescence.

So far among several others the marvellous brigade have told us the bad boarding school experiences in this thread are actually down to parenting (thanks Zombie) and ChanelPrincess, you seem to be saying that because you chose to board there cannot have been any detrimental effect on you.

Let me say again, for the record my parents loved me very much and still do. They sent me to board at great sacrifice to themselves because they wanted to do their very best for me. I thought at the age of ten that boarding school sounded like endless jolly Enid Blighton japes and in my ten year old capacity I chose to go. The school I went to was miserable but not abusive and I fully accept that boarding school can be the better option for families that can't for whatever reason provide stability or an appropriate nurturing environment for their dcs.

This does not negate the fact that sending a child to live away from their family and their home at a young age can have a negative effect on their emotional well-being and development however lovely the school or caring the staff. The number of heartfelt posts on this thread bear testament to the fact that many ex boarders feel damaged in one way or another by their experience.

Happy brigade - please accept this is a real experience of many and stop explaining it away to assuage your guilt for sending away your own dcs.

Haffdonga I'm simply describing my experience, not saying whether there was or wasn't any detrimental effect. One could never know unless it was possible to perform a study in which the same child experienced life as both a boarder and day pupil over the same period of time. It is not my place to attempt to demonstrate causality - I am simply stating that I was given a choice, as were the children of my friends.

No one is attempting to explain away anything as far as I can see. Whether or not to send a child to boarding school is a decision that can only be made by the individual family and their individual circumstances but it would be incorrect to perceive that every child has been left 'damaged' and it is also wrong to assume that every parent feels guilt for sending their child to boarding school. I would never want my parents to feel any guilt because I believe it was the right choice in my case.

You see, this is what really really pisses me off: people who liked boarding, dont feel damaged by it, feel ready to do the same to their children - that's absolutely fine, but why dont you go and discuss it on the threads in education where people are often looking FOR validation for their choice?

What's the point of describing your wonderful experience when you are not questioning whether you could have been happier had you not been sent away? Whether the independence, stiff upper lip, possible arrogance, posh accent, inability to let the guard down, learning to bottle up your emotions at a young age etc are not things that either weren't necessary in the first place, or are things that could have been learnt better in a better environment (and generally, notwithstanding difficult situations etc, that is in your own home with your own family where you feel the love every day, nothing changes while you've been away for 3 weeks til the next exeat, and you learn to express normal emotions in a normal way).

Blimey. What a thread (have RTFT). Still waiting to hear from my DC4 (nearly 16), who may or may not now be back at boarding school, having refused to catch the "retardedly early" (his words) train back, although the early train was the only one his ticket was valid for... I told him I would not be visiting him in prison.

And, from the OP and what many others have said, it might have been OK or even happy at the time or some of the time - but later in life is when it hits you - when your children reach the age you were; when you realise that parenting teens might be tricky because effectively you didnt live at home as a teenager (and please dont give me the long hols/slotting back in shit); when you realise that you are now caring for someone who, however good their reasons may have been at the time, put you out of their daily care at a young age.

Alice my brother always said that boarding school taught you two things: how to lie effectively and how to survive in prison (not that he has been in one other than a work capacity). For the record I can definitely do the first and would probably manage the second.

Yolo . I don't want to derail a supportive thread, but I think boarding schools have moved on a bit. DS's is just stonkingly brilliant (300 miles from home). I can't fault it, not least as he (a very difficult boy who never even slept over anywhere pre-13) loves it to bits. I can't fault it pastorally (v important, this), or educationally. We all love it. Though, interestingly, DS's housemaster was a pupil at the same school in the 80s and says it bears no resemblance now to the school it was then.

But there is no single adult there who loves HIM, and him especially, Alice. There's no getting away from that fact - what you and other boarding parents are saying essentially is that your children don't need love, physical attention and personal engagement with an adult who loves them as a parent loves a child, every day. I would contend that they do, however well they may appear to be coping without it. That's what boarding schools teach us to do - to cope without it. We are brilliant at it. But we pay for it.

You see, this is what really really pisses me off: people who liked boarding, dont feel damaged by it, feel ready to do the same to their children - that's absolutely fine, but why dont you go and discuss it on the threads in education where people are often looking FOR validation for their choice?

Because we would like to express an opinion and present some balance on this thread, as we're entitled to do. We can and do empathise with others' points of view, but just because you don't like what we have to say doesn't mean we're not entitled to say it, I'm afraid.

Oh yes greensleeves we are indeed fucking brilliant, and we pay... but if we learn we don't pay it forwards to our own children.

Alice will you sleep tonight before you know that your son is safely back at school 300 miles on his 'retardedly early' train? Lovely choice of word btw, but as I can recall from my boarding days was used then and still appears to be now. I'm sure your son is lovely, but that kind of language is an example of the arrogance that many attach to private/boarding pupils - and which we learn at school.

no channel of course I am not the thread police, I am expressing MY opinion which is, as you will prob have seen, profoundly anti-boarding unless in very exceptional circumstances.

Oh don't be silly about the swearing yolofish. You should hear what comes out of the mouths of my state educated DC s!

yolofish I absolutely respect your views and those of others on this thread

If my kids or their peers used the word "retarded" as an insult, their friends would definitely tell them it wasn't cool and don't say it. Ditto "gay".

I agree with yolo, boarding school kids are fed a message that they are better than everyone else - it's part of the process of developing the veneer that increases their chances of achieving material success. I'm puzzled that boarding school parents wouldn't recognise that, given that that is what they are paying for. If they think they are paying for better teaching, they are deluding themselves.

spiney your kids use the retard word??? never heard it used currently and both mine went through the school dregs, ie a secondary modern in a grammar area (actually they both liked it and both got into 1st choice uni so that's by the by...) but any word like retard would have been seriously cracked down on. fuck, shit, cunt, all fine but retard? seriously that's ok?

No yolofish course I don't think that's ok.

But I think to highlight the use of one vile word as an example of "the arrogance of private/boarding school pupils" is really really tenuous.