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Original poster

Is he stingy or is it me?

88 replies

StingyOrMe · 03/02/2018 20:59

I’ve been dating a guy for a while and on every date we have gone Dutch. One time he had to cancel a date (for a valid reason) and said “I’ll take you to dinner to make it up to yo ....” and I assumed this meant he would pay, he did pay the bill after some hesitation but said “it’s on you next time” is it me or is this a bit Hmm I work FT and so does he, he has a much higher paying job than I do and also I’m a single parent with 2 DC.
I don’t expect to be princessed and bought flowers and showered with gifts, but would like to see a little bit of generosity.

He has openly said in casual conversation “I am cheap” and someone once said to me that when someone tells you who they are, listen. He buys things for himself though and goes on trips away so he isn’t frugal everywhere...We are still only dating, so is this normal behaviour before you get to defined relationship stage? It’s been a long while since I’ve dated and maybe in a bit out of touch. Dating him is becoming expensive for me, and I’m not ready to invite him to mine yet.
Is he stingy or do I sound like a princess? Confused

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 04/02/2018 10:28

What you could do is go out for a decent meal eat it and then say your popping to the loo, sneak out and just leave him to pay the bill.
After all he promised to pay before and didnt. Then block him, he doesnt know where you live so thats it with him.
If you end up living with him he will be buying himself all sorts whilst you and you kids will be eating all economy stuff and sitting there without the heating on.

alotalotalot · 04/02/2018 10:39

rudgie really?

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2018 10:58

Once you've been out on a few dates I think it's reasonable to think individual circumstances should be taken into account.

I've always offered to go halves. My (now) DH usually wouldn't accept as he felt that because he lived at home and I lived independently, he had more disposable income so he wanted to pay more often. I would insist on treating him sometimes, which I made clear before making a date.

If we went for drinks we'd do rounds.

By this point I think it's reasonable to expect income disparity to be taken into account a bit more.

The 'I'm cheap' comment and the hesitation when paying says it all to me and I'd be calling it a day.

Unsurewhattod0 · 04/02/2018 11:25

You pay your own way no matter the disparity in wages. Women can pay for themselves and men should not be expected to pay for you. More and more men are not going to put up with this sort of thing anymore. If you want to be treated as an equal then be an equal including paying for yourself. If I want to treat a date then I will but what I cannot stand is any expectation that I will pay just because I’m the man.

Pleasebeafleabite · 04/02/2018 11:31

It's nothing to do with being a man Unsure and everything to do with acknowledging that one party to a relationship has more money than the other one to go out with

There are lots of suggestions above as to how that disparity might be managed other than expecting "the man" to pay all the time

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2018 11:31

Unsure - do you never want to pay for someone else just as a nice thing? Don't you enjoy being treated?

As I said, I always offered - every time. It was his decision to pay more often. I treated him too which he liked as a gesture. We did also split sometimes. It was never awkward because neither of us expected to be subsidised but were able to take and appreciate the gesture as it was meant.

When you are regularly dating I think it's completely normal to be considerate of the other party and going to cheaper places if the other hasn't as much cash, or treating without obligation if you want to go somewhere fancier.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2018 12:03

'Women can pay for themselves and men should not be expected to pay for you. More and more men are not going to put up with this sort of thing anymore. If you want to be treated as an equal then be an equal including paying for yourself.'

I wouldn't even want a friend, much less a sexual relationship, with someone who saw everything to do with money as 50/50 or they're being hard done by or ripped off, because such people almost invariably don't extend that to other parts of their lives and are much expectant of more generous splits (in their favour, usually) when it comes to other factors of life - emotional support, love, sex, mental load, childcare, housework, etc etc etc.

He told her he was taking her out to 'make it up to her' and then dictated that next time she has to reciprocate.

Honestly, you're incompatible, OP. This is simple. You just text, 'Been doing some thinking and in my opinion, we're not compatible and I need to move on. Thanks for the memories, best of luck in the future. xStingy. xx

The end.

Maybebabybee · 04/02/2018 12:06

Bin him.

areyoubeingserviced · 04/02/2018 12:08

Get rid.
Cannot stand stingy people

Angelf1sh · 04/02/2018 12:16

I don’t think routinely splitting the bill makes him stingy. I do think that he offered to treat you as an apology and so that means he should have paid for the whole meal and does not mean you have to pay for the whole thing next time, because otherwise he hasn’t treated you at all.

It does sound like you two aren’t well suited though as if money is an issue now (on both sides by the sound of it), it’s only going to get worse over time. I’d end it if I were you.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/02/2018 12:24

I would have instantly piped up ‘I thought you said this was your treat, no?’

That would have helped enormously in terms of clarity!

Ellapaella · 04/02/2018 12:27

I can see that splitting the bill is fair but honestly can't people just treat the people they are about every now and then? There is nothing more unattractive than being mean and penny pinching, part of showing people you care about them is doing nice things for them and giving nice gestures occasionally. He sounds like a tight arse, YANBU.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/02/2018 12:28

"You pay your own way no matter the disparity in wages."

Why? If I'm out drinking with people who earn more than me I'll gladly accept a drink or even lunch if it's a friend I haven't seen for a while. I've even had people say to me "this is peanuts for me" about a pub lunch. If it's peanuts to them, why not let them pay if they want to?

I don't know many people who earn less than me, but with friends who are out of work I always offer to buy them a drink. They couldn't come out otherwise. When I had a pot luck dinner at home and everyone was bringing something, I told the unemployed friend to bring the bread. Only fair imo.

I even know people who house shared and paid the rent as a proportion of their income, though I wouldn't go that far.

SundaysFunday · 04/02/2018 12:29

He's tight and not going to change.

You read threads on here about financial inequality and selfishness with money causing a lot of problems in relationships, get rid of him now before you become one if those posters.

ElsieMc · 04/02/2018 12:31

I honestly think if someone invites you out for a meal by way of an apology, then he pays simple as.

I also think that if he has initially invited you out for a meal for a first date, he should pay. He did the asking, suggesting and picking the venue, so pay up. After that fair enough, split the costs but vary the eateries etc to some that are a little more reasonable as befits your income.

He is a meanie, particularly hesitating before paying. It made you feel awkward and unworthy. Are you sure you are that keen on him op. I think you have your nagging doubts here and I don't think is a nice guy at all.

Ellapaella · 04/02/2018 12:32

Totally agree with expat. This has nothing to do with being male or female and women expecting men to pay for everything. This about a man who offered to treat his partner then quibbled about it afterwards. Most of us like to treat others occasionally if we can - going without a few extra quid knowing that you've given someone a nice treat is a nice thing to do. Makes you feel good about life really, maybe some people on here should try it sometime.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2018 12:41

"I'll take you out to dinner to make it up to you.. I'll only be paying for what I eat though." Confused

He sounds selfish- happy to splash money on himself but not others.

Perhaps you both resent putting your hand in your pocket for each other though? Maybe you don't like each other enough.

alotalotalot · 04/02/2018 13:49

The offering and then not following through is a red flag, the normal going dutch, not so much.

I'd prefer taking it in turns to pay every time. It seem more "caring" - although you'd need to make sure that you aren't seen as a cheapskate because you only pay for cheap options.

TBH after a couple of dates you should be able to talk frankly and explain that you might have to do some cheaper things than dinner every time as money is tight. And then be happy to to do that, whoever is paying. It shouldn't be an expectation that they pick up the bill but a nice guy would treat you occasionally if they are better off, as should be the case the other way round. A bit of flexibility sometimes would be nice. Meanness is not a nice trait.

dirtybadger · 04/02/2018 14:17

Sounds tight.

Im a tight arse (although Im poor AF so its probably different), so am gonna be lighter on him than other people. But dont expect him to change...if he is aware he is cheap then its not likely to be something he wishes to change.

Lweji · 04/02/2018 14:31

If you see a future with him, you'll need to be honest and tell him that you can't afford to keep going to expensive places or to eat out if you have to pay.
Is he aware of what your income is?

Paying in turns according to who decides where to eat (or go) seems fair to me, as you'll be able to decide according to what you can afford.
It would be interesting to see if he'd still go to the same places you're going now.

It looks like he's cheap with other people, which would be a problem for me. I'd be less worried if he was cheap with himself as well. As it is, it looks like he values himself above anyone else, and doesn't have you as someone worth investing in or be generous towards.

SilverySurfer · 04/02/2018 14:31

I don't understand why you would not want to pay your share, whether that be buying a round of drinks or paying half of a restaurant bill or saying 'my treat next time'. I've never understood some women's expectations of men picking up the tab when they go on a date. How is it not stingy expecting men to always pay?

IfNot · 04/02/2018 14:38

She didn't expect him to pay for her until he said "next times on me to make up for it!"
You can't invite someone out, say it's on you and then wriggle out of it!

And this x 1000:
I wouldn't even want a friend, much less a sexual relationship, with someone who saw everything to do with money as 50/50 or they're being hard done by or ripped off

I couldn't bear to be with anyone who nickel and dimed all the time, it's so joyless.

IfNot · 04/02/2018 14:42

Ands it's hilarious that "men won't take it anymore" as if they are so fucking hard done by when the pay gap still very much exists.
My current dp doesn't have a pot to piss in so we treat each other,but i have been out with men on 100k+, as a single parent, and have always had a Mrs Doyle style struggle to pay for anything, because they recognised that they had a lot more, and my earning potential was a lot less.
I wouldn't expect it, but if I was on £££ I would treat my partner too.

letsdolunch321 · 04/02/2018 14:48

Sounds a tight arse.

Tell him to jog on

madeyemoodysmum · 04/02/2018 16:04

Goodness UNSURE
I treat my female friends for birthdays and do on why on earth shouldn't a male do the same for a girlfriend.

Equal ops is all very well and good but friendship is different on all levels.