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Original poster

Is he stingy or is it me?

88 replies

StingyOrMe · 03/02/2018 20:59

I’ve been dating a guy for a while and on every date we have gone Dutch. One time he had to cancel a date (for a valid reason) and said “I’ll take you to dinner to make it up to yo ....” and I assumed this meant he would pay, he did pay the bill after some hesitation but said “it’s on you next time” is it me or is this a bit I work FT and so does he, he has a much higher paying job than I do and also I’m a single parent with 2 DC.
I don’t expect to be princessed and bought flowers and showered with gifts, but would like to see a little bit of generosity.

He has openly said in casual conversation “I am cheap” and someone once said to me that when someone tells you who they are, listen. He buys things for himself though and goes on trips away so he isn’t frugal everywhere...We are still only dating, so is this normal behaviour before you get to defined relationship stage? It’s been a long while since I’ve dated and maybe in a bit out of touch. Dating him is becoming expensive for me, and I’m not ready to invite him to mine yet.
Is he stingy or do I sound like a princess?

OP posts:

CapnHaddock · 03/02/2018 21:31

He’s tight. Dump him

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/02/2018 21:33

sorry missed the going dutch bit but I don't think that this means that he is tight

BewareOfDragons · 03/02/2018 21:34

That would put me right off. He offered to take you out to make up for cancelling, hesitated, then said you would be paying next time? That's not a treat; that's mean.

I would end it.

Re comments about she can't afford this: OP's income is lower than his plus she has dependents. I would imagine eating out a lot can get expensive in that situation, especially if he has a certain level of expectation when it comes to eating out. That doesn't mean she's looking for him to pay all the time; that means she can't afford to date where it constantly costs her too much.

Fair enough, I think.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 03/02/2018 21:35

I would find it very difficult to be sexually attracted to a man who was tightfisted. Does he get a little change purse out and count out his pennies? Cos that's sexy...

I always think a lack of generosity with money shows a lack of kindness and compassion. He is likely to be equally reluctant to put you first in other ways. I'd get rid.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/02/2018 21:39

BlessYourCottonSocks

I always think a lack of generosity with money shows a lack of kindness and compassion.

But how does this tie in with women that that don't pay their way on dates?

Lovely456 · 03/02/2018 21:39

The I am cheap comment would put me off.

blueskypink · 03/02/2018 21:40

I always think a lack of generosity with money shows a lack of kindness and compassion.

Indeed - in men and women.

BushyTailedPony · 03/02/2018 21:40

Sounds stingy to me. How do you know how much he earns? Does he know what you earn? Just wondering in case any assumptions being made - he might have huge debts or not be as well off. I once dated a guy who had the appearance of wealth but had a £75k debt. Not appealing.

I also went out with a guy who was a real penny pincher. Told me he earned £100k (oil rig drilling specialist) and I was on about £30k. Said something about "who would work for a pittance like that" at one point too so a real charmer once the veneer wore off after 3 months. To start with he seemed perfect but then his true character showed and it wasn't great.

Meanness is such an unattractive trait - an ungenerous spirit - but appeared to run in his family as his sister once brought him a mirror to his house but it wasn't a present - she wanted £200 for it - one of her cast offs.
He had a mental tally of how much each had paid and he gave shit presents - Interflora and a crap teddy for my birthday. That wasn't even delivered on my birthday but the day after...

Listen to your guts - they normally pick up the truth. Whether you listen is up to you.

If you have 2 DC I'd be cautious if the relationship progressed whether the lack of generosity would continue if you did move in together.

I'd think a more generous person would not keep a tally and treat you, especially in the early days.

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/02/2018 21:46

OP's income is lower than his plus she has dependents. I would imagine eating out a lot can get expensive in that situation, especially if he has a certain level of expectation when it comes to eating out.

Is the OP not capable of saying "all these meals out are a bit above my budget, especially with two DC, how about we do something cheaper next time?"?? Maybe he'll offer to pay for her, maybe he'll be happy to do something cheaper (or free even).

It does seem rather like the OP thinks he should be paying for her. The "I'll treat you" dinner was a bit weird but maybe the guy is just being careful and trying to establish if the OP is interested in him or if she's just after a meal ticket. Maybe if she demonstrated some generosity towards him, he'd demonstrate some back.

butterfly56 · 03/02/2018 21:48

Yep definitely stingy OP
You don't need to waste anymore time or money on this guy.
Always listen to your gut instinct...he's tight and arrogant with it!

BookHelpPlease · 03/02/2018 21:53

OP's income is lower than his plus she has dependents.

Having children doesn't mean people should pay her way! She should suggest somewhere cheaper or something that is free!

BonnieF · 03/02/2018 22:14

He does not sound like a generous person, and in fairness to him, he isn’t pretending to be. Being sensible and careful with money isn’t a bad thing, as long as it doesn’t escalate into meanness.

You need to be honest with yourself, though. Do you actually want to pay your own way in a relationship of equals, or are you really looking for a man who is prepared to pay for you?

There has been a lot of discussion on MN recently about men, women, money, dating and equality. This has shown that double standards are still surprisingly common.

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 22:20

Too stingy.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2018 22:31

He told you he's cheap. Why do you not believe him? 'Next time's on you'. Then don't let there be a next time. When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

Pleasebeafleabite · 03/02/2018 22:38

When my ex earned more we would pay for two things eg cinema and then meal, he would get the most expensive one

Which meant there was some acknowledgement that he had more spare cash but that it was fair to split costs

Your chap sounds cheap OP he would not be the man for me I’m afraid

Myheartbelongsto · 04/02/2018 03:57

Stingy, get rid.

My boyfriend is not like this at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 04:52

Bluntness.
Yes she’s got a gob on her. But not everyone’s gob is as blunt and forthright as yours. I know you wouldn’t put up with any shit. But in ops situation, I’d also be confused and need advice.

Stingy
He shouldn’t be expecting you to keep pace with his spending expectations and you should have told him what yours are. As is the treating you for a meal comment and then expecting you to pay next time is telling you who he is. And it’s not nice. Nothing more unattractive than a stingy man.

Shadow666 · 04/02/2018 04:55

You read so many OPs where they are still splitting bills, the mortgage and everything 50/50 even when the man has a very good job and the woman is struggling on maternity leave. He has more disposable income so a little generosity to acknowledge that would go a long way, I think.

If I was dating a guy who earned a lot less than me I’d definitely treat him some times or pay for dinner and let him pay for lunch instead. It’s just basic kindness.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/02/2018 07:18

Ordinarily I have no patience at all with women who expect a man to pay just because "he's a man, innit?". However, the OP has made it quite clear - in the very first sentence of her opening post - that this is not what is happening here. The only time she has moaned about him not paying is the time when he strongly implied it was his treat (or what else would "take you to dinner to make it up to you" mean?) but he went back on that. Surely if you care about someone it is your pleasure to give them the occasional treat just because you can?

I agree though, Stingy, you need to explain to him that expensive nights out are not sustainable and you need to consider cheaper options. If you haven't made this clear he may genuinely not have realised it's difficult for you. (Which may make him a bit of a thoughtless twit so still not ideal partner material...)

Additionally, is it fair to assume that you have to arrange childcare, which involves either you or a parent or friend in some expense at least, on top of the cost of the date itself? That is why it's sometimes fair for the unencumbered partner to pay more than the parent. IMO it would cut the other way if, for example, one of you had to travel much further while the other had free childcare on tap.

sandgrown · 04/02/2018 07:30

Bookhelp - maybe OP is not ready to invite him home because she does not want her children to meet someone who may not be around for long.

Cuban8 · 04/02/2018 08:32

Definitely off putting OP. Doesn't matter whether it's a man or woman doing it. Most people would see it as such I think.

Doesn't mean he's wrong. At least he's been honest by telling you he's cheap. He'll just have to find a similarly stingy person to put up with him.

Cut your losses and move on. I've done the same a couple times when women did this to me.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/02/2018 09:00

I don't get how he is stingy. He pays his half right?
If you can't afford to go to the places he wants to go to and he won't compramise and go somewhere more suited to your budget then that's a different matter (assuming you've broached the subject with him and given him the chance to correct this) if you have and he doesn't want to go to the places you can afford then it's a simple case of your financial imbalance.
Other than that I don't see a problem here. He obviously expects you to pay your share, why wouldn't he. He obviously has more money to spend on himself and he chooses to do so, why wouldn't he, what he spends his money on is his business.
I wouldn't expect or want a man I was dating to pay for everything, i would always split the bill or contribute my share in some way (paying for the drinks for example) unless it was a special treat, my birthday for example.

TheStoic · 04/02/2018 09:06

For god’s sake, DO NOT invite him to your place just as a cost saving measure.

madeyemoodysmum · 04/02/2018 09:13

A littlebitconfused

It was the I'm going to treat you night that has upset the op He is suggesting she pays next time when the treats supposed to be on him. Very tight!

And he does sound tight in general

Imagine being married to him
No. If your not deeply involved ditch him pronto and tell him why too.

MotherofaSurvivor · 04/02/2018 10:15

Fast forward five years. You're married. Having to explain every single tiny purchase to him and being asked/told to return sanitary products/loo roll etc to get the cheaper brand...

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