MIL, Pregnancy & Grandchildren

[MonaTheMoaner]

DH and I have been together over a decade and have two children together, DD1 10 and DD2 7.

It's been obvious MIL and FIL don't like me or approve of me so I've stayed well away only voicing my concerns about my daughters but they don't want to know them at all. They've seen them a handful of times in their lives and never send Christmas or birthday cards, don't ask how they are and basically want no relationship with any of us except DH.

Last week DH had to pop into his mum's while out with the girls so the girls went inside. They always ask about their grandparents and have very few memories of them so I hoped with the girls talking to them and being in front of them they may realise what they're missing out on and want DH to take them over more often or offer to form a relationship with them. They spoke politely to them about school (both MIL and FIL are school teachers in infant and high schools respectively) but that's it. Nothing else. A week has gone by and nothing has been said to DH about more contact.

DH popped over this morning and told them I'm 9 weeks pregnant with baby 3. They said they wanted nothing to do with this one either. No congratulations to DH or asking how their granddaughters are - just a firm belief they want nothing to do with any of our children. DH told them they'll have nothing to do with any of them if that's the way they feel.

I'm hurt and upset. I should know by now they won't change but it's so hard because although they don't like me, they could still have a relationship with our children and I wouldn't be involved. They love DH and support him but not with his family. Everyone thinks they're lovely people and very upstanding citizens (not older - mid fifties and very active) so I get really upset inside that this isn't who they are but it makes me out to be the bad guy because it's unbelievable to people that they wouldn't want to be involved. SIL is very much of the same ilk. She will happily spend time forming relationships with cousins and friends children but to even suggest taking our daughters out for lunch on her own is abominable.

I guess I just needed somewhere to vent this out as there's nothing I can do to change the situation but DD's have no grandparents on our side and considering how close I was (and still am) to my grandparents who treated me as a daughter, I wish my daughters had a relationship similar in their lives.

How very strange OP - I don't have advice but I can see how hurtful this is. They sounds like unpleasant people and the upside is that you don't have to expose your children to them and their toxic ways. Urgh.

Why don’t they approve of you? Did they attend your wedding? Are yours the only grandchildren?

I hope your DH goes NC with them. Regardless of their relationship with you, there’s no excuse for treating kids like that. And teachers too!

Sorry OP. I know it’s hard even when GPs are “there”, but don’t quite have the relationship you hoped for, never mind outright refusing to have any at all. That’s just awful

How hurtful, perhaps your DH can impress upon them he only wants to see them with HIS family.

When we had ds my ils bowed out of a relationship with me and our ds. Dh went nc.
The only option imo.
It is actually an insult to him surely to not acknowledge his beautiful dc or dw?

How awful for you and your children OP. I'll never understand how any grandparent could behave this way towards their grandchildren. I adore my grandchildren and moved across the country for them.

I have a difficult relationship with my daughter, but even she realises how important it is for them to have contact with me.

Could you sit down and write them a letter? Explain how it makes you feel and the effect that it has on your children?

If I were your DH, I wouldn't want to have a relationship with people who had so little regard for my wife and children.

I also hope your DH goes no contact with his parents from now on as well. You do not need such people anyway in your lives and you have nothing to do with them. Presumably he has only seen them at all out of still wanting their approval along with his own fear, obligation and guilt re them. These people do not love their son, your DH and emotionally healthy people do not act as his parents have done. They want him to simply bend to their will and control.

You have done the right thing in protecting your children from such awful people. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. They were not good parents to your DH when he was growing up, such people more often than not make out for being utterly awful as grandparents as well.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; presumably his sister is more favoured by these people as well. This scapegoat and golden child dynamic is often seen in narcissistic family structures. SILs role here is also not without price either but she is unaware of this.

Your H is the scapegoat here and is being scapegoated by all his family. This dynamic certainly predates your arrival. In turn his children and you as his wife are scapegoated too.

Are your parents emotionally healthy Mona; if so continue to nuture your relationship with them. I would read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as well, this will further help you understand the dynamics that are being played out here.

How can your husband justify having anything to do with people that want nothing to do with his children? He’s putting his own needs above those of his children. As the children get older they are going to feel betrayed by him.

There is no point whatsoever in writing such people a letter. Such a thing, no matter how nicely worded, will be taken as an insult and they will react accordingly.

His parents would have behaved the self same regardless of whom your DH went on to marry. Its not you Mona, its them. You cannot reason with the crazy.

If I was your dh I’d want to know why they want nothing to do with my children? If they mean they don’t want to babysit and have them one to one then fine but if they really mean they don’t want to see or hear anything to do with the children then I’d think pretty poorly of them. Gift/presents/cards I’d not care about but complete indifference to my children would make me feel less about my parents. I wouldn’t want a close relationship with someone who didn’t care about my family.

I wrote them a letter around five years ago saying I don't mind that they don't like me or don't want contact with me for whatever reason they've chosen but not to punish the grandchildren. I stated I would be happy for them to take the girls out alone or with DH and I wouldn't be involved at all but I received no response.

They didn't attend our wedding. We eloped and got married in a chapel in Vegas two years ago because we didn't have a lot of money to spend on a wedding or the energy to worry about who would or wouldn't attend. We spent £2000 on three says in Vegas including flights and had a wonderful time on a child free holiday. DD's didn't mind, they just loved that we had wedding rings on finally.

They don't like me essentially for differences in personality and opinion. MIL once said feminism was the worst thing to happen to women and it's never done anything for her She has a daughter and sisters plus granddaughters. They're very conservative and I'm a member of the Labour Party, studying as a mature student in law and I volunteer for the Labour Party in local politics. They don't like that I'm outspoken at all but I never thought a clash in personality where it doesn't end in massive brawls would affect having a relationship with my very young children who are nothing but polite and know nothing of these divides.

These are the only grandchildren as SIL has no children. DH loves his parents and tries to facilitate it all but he's realising he can't do it forever. I don't mind DH seeing his parents or having a relationship but it's so hurtful for my children.

I can’t believe that your husband has never questioned their attitude in all these years?

Sorry cross post!

For educated people, they sound incredibly regressive. I really hope they don't pass their prejudices on to the children they teach.

Hopefully they'll regret their behaviour one day, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Obviously, I can't tell you how to feel, but I would have a HUGE problem with my husband having a relationship with these horrible people. How can he possibly condone their behaviour? He doesn't mind that his parents treat his WIFE and CHILDREN like utter trash?! How can you tolerate such disrespect?

Mona,

You cannot reason with such people as they are disordered of thinking. This is not simply a matter of personality clashes either.

It is NOT your fault or your DHs that they are like this, you did not make them this way. Their own families did that lot of damage to them.

His parents do not like your DH either, he is their scapegoat and as such his whole family unit that he has also created here is also scapegoated. The scales really do now need to fall from your DH's eyes; this relationship is completely one sided on his part and it is not down to him to facilitate this any longer. The fact that he has tried still with them suggests to me that he has still wanted their approval.

Re your comment:-
"I wrote them a letter around five years ago saying I don't mind that they don't like me or don't want contact with me for whatever reason they've chosen but not to punish the grandchildren. I stated I would be happy for them to take the girls out alone or with DH and I wouldn't be involved at all but I received no response".

What you did here apart from appearing very weak was try to apply the "normal" rules of familial relations to people who are utterly unreasonable at the very least and rigid. It simply does not work and besides which the mixed messages this sends to your DDs is also damaging in its own way. You are their mother, you're important as well and you all come as part of a package. They should see all of you or none of you. As I stated before these people would have acted the self same regardless of whom your H married. They actually did you a huge favour in not responding.

There can be no reasoning with the unreasonable. Simple as that.

But as an aside, not suggesting that their behaviour is in anyway justified, but were you and DH young when you had your eldest dd? I just wonder if they blame you for "ruining their son's life" or such nonsense.

This is a horrible situation OP, so sorry. You can win with bigoted, close minded people who are happy to cut off their own innocent grandchildren to spite their own ridiculous outdated views. Shame on them.

Understandably you are offended and upset but all I can suggest is you focus on your own family, this pregnancy and leave your DH to decide what to do and support him in his decision.

I think it very raviolis if you hat you wrote a letter and encouraged a relationship between your kids and their grandparents for their sake. Continue to rise above as best you can and as for being involved in local politics - good on you for that too!

His parents may have well had some set or otherwise rigid ideas about the type of person DH should marry i.e. someone as rigid and as supposedly upstanding as them so a carbon copy of them. The fact that he made his own choice and married someone who is well outside that ideal was a nail in the coffin.

Honestly, I've been ok with it because I don't want the blame of being the reason DH cuts contact. If it's his decision, that's on him. If I pressure him or demand it, it's on me. DH doesn't have a very close relationship (a text or so a week and pops in once a month usually) so it doesn't affect our every day life. He doesn't go to family events etc involving them except funerals.

Since the in laws hate me, everyone else in their family have followed suit and so our DD's only have DH on that side. I don't see how they're missing out but they should be given the chance to know them in my opinion.

leave your DH to decide what to do and support him in his decision.

I don't agree. Her DH should be supporting his wife and all his children.

He should cut them off.

What is the situation with DH and his sister?

Yes, we were very young. DH was 21 when we got together and I was eighteen. I was nineteen and DH was twenty two when we had DD1. DH was in a band and I was in university and working when we fell pregnant. Ten years later he's now graduated as a civil engineer, we own our own ex LA home, I've gone back to university to finish my law degree and we both work (albeit me, part time). We've stuck together and vastly improved our situations from being a couple of teenagers in bands and drinking as our only hobby. I think they do feel resentment here but DH is very happy that he achieved his dream of graduating as a civil engineer with a first class degree alongside parenting. It has always been his career ideal.

DH and his sister used to be close but aren't anymore. She's currently in Australia and travelling the world. She's single and hops from one country to the other rarely coming back to the U.K. She still lives at home with in laws when she's home so he'll pop round and see her for a few hours but she's very much like MIL. I have no relationship with SIL at all and never have. I've met her maybe four times in ten years.

You can't argue with stupid.

Sorry but I'm another that would be utterly disgusted with a husband that didn't stand up for his kids. You're an adult you can and clearly do stand up for yourself but young children can't and he is also VERY unreasonable to take the children to theirs EVER. The children will sense their sneering disregard and not know how to handle it - totally out of order to put them in that situation. No errand is important enough that this is necessary.

I'd be having serious words with dh, enough is enough.

Right after latest posts I'd wager it's bugger all to do with politics and more "you trapped our son". Which is utter bollocks actually as he was just as responsible for your first pregnancy. They're snobs.

I still say your dh needs to call them on their crap and either behave like reasonable humans or he cuts them off!

As for relationship with extended family not everyone has that as long as you and dh are there for them DC will be fine.

I can't imagine maintaining a relationship with my parents if they didn't want any involvement with my children. Even if it wasn't a close relationship.