MIL, Pregnancy & Grandchildren

[MonaTheMoaner]

DH and I have been together over a decade and have two children together, DD1 10 and DD2 7.

It's been obvious MIL and FIL don't like me or approve of me so I've stayed well away only voicing my concerns about my daughters but they don't want to know them at all. They've seen them a handful of times in their lives and never send Christmas or birthday cards, don't ask how they are and basically want no relationship with any of us except DH.

Last week DH had to pop into his mum's while out with the girls so the girls went inside. They always ask about their grandparents and have very few memories of them so I hoped with the girls talking to them and being in front of them they may realise what they're missing out on and want DH to take them over more often or offer to form a relationship with them. They spoke politely to them about school (both MIL and FIL are school teachers in infant and high schools respectively) but that's it. Nothing else. A week has gone by and nothing has been said to DH about more contact.

DH popped over this morning and told them I'm 9 weeks pregnant with baby 3. They said they wanted nothing to do with this one either. No congratulations to DH or asking how their granddaughters are - just a firm belief they want nothing to do with any of our children. DH told them they'll have nothing to do with any of them if that's the way they feel.

I'm hurt and upset. I should know by now they won't change but it's so hard because although they don't like me, they could still have a relationship with our children and I wouldn't be involved. They love DH and support him but not with his family. Everyone thinks they're lovely people and very upstanding citizens (not older - mid fifties and very active) so I get really upset inside that this isn't who they are but it makes me out to be the bad guy because it's unbelievable to people that they wouldn't want to be involved. SIL is very much of the same ilk. She will happily spend time forming relationships with cousins and friends children but to even suggest taking our daughters out for lunch on her own is abominable.

I guess I just needed somewhere to vent this out as there's nothing I can do to change the situation but DD's have no grandparents on our side and considering how close I was (and still am) to my grandparents who treated me as a daughter, I wish my daughters had a relationship similar in their lives.

This is the first time DH has put his foot down with them and I'm proud. He said if they want nothing to do with our baby then they get nothing.

I'm waiting for DD's to go to bed and I'm going to ask him how he feels about the whole situation. DH is very stoic and not very emotional so I'm expecting "Fine. Their choice" from him but I want to find out where our family stands in terms of a continuing relationship with DH and them. Is he going to continue a relationship or cut them off completely? He's currently in the middle of doing all the work to build them a loft conversion with insulation and boarding so they can use it as storage space. What happens with that?

I've just had so much of being the bad guy for falling in love and building a life with this man that I don't want more shit but at the same time, you're all right and he should absolutely not tolerate any disrespect towards his daughters and wife.

You sound better off without them! Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Is he getting paid for the work? I’d be tempted to leave them in the lurch if it was me certainly no favours as they obviously do him none.

He's not getting paid for the labour or the materials. He offered a few months ago as they're running out of space to hold some of DH's old stuff he doesn't want to get rid of and SIL's stuff. They're hoarders. Not as bad as on the tv programmes but so much unnecessary stuff.

I've told him I don't want our family money building them an accessible attic for storage when it's a) unnecessary and b) they've done nothing for us and he's held off plans but he's already bought insulation, a ladder and a light so that's already done.

Wtf! He's paying for the materials? He really needs to get a clue. Signpost him to outofthefog site and some suitable reading

What's the outofthefog site?

outofthefog.website

Support and advice for dealing with toxic families

Why the hell isn't he using the money to sort out storage at his own home? Most ridiculous thing I’ve read in a long time. If you don’t have room for a good quality shed, then spend it on a cheap storage unit. Also tell him to grow the fuck up and sort out his stuff. If it’s that important to him then he should have it at your home. It’s doing nothing but sitting in boxes. Between letting his parents ignore his children and paying to upgrade their home, he really is stuck in the fog, isn’t he?

I think it's a conscious thing to keep them on side, the same reason he won't cut all contact. If something goes wrong in our marriage they are his only family and they'd take him in and give him a place to stay.

Nothing is wrong at the moment that I'm aware of and he's very excited about our baby (telling work and in laws at 9 weeks etc) but I'm a planner too. I'm going to talk to him tonight about this too as it's both of our names on the mortgage so there's protection here for us both. I think he really struggles with letting go and obviously has a lot of love for them. He's very much stuck in the fog and wants it both ways.

His inertia as well re his parents is simply hurting him as well as you people. These people have never been on his side either and the realisation of that too is going to be very painful for him. He also cannot rely on his parents either to help him in the event you and he were to separate; where did that idea come from?.

Does he at all agree that the current level of contact he has with them is not working for him?.

In the past when we've had time separate (around 6 months when DD2 was born and we decided to break up) they took him in. We reconciled and went to counselling and he obviously moved back home.

I forgot I name changed back. Oh well, I don't really care if it's outing anymore. I changed a few minor details

It would be bad enough for him to condone his parents ignoring you but how has he kept a relationship with them when they don't want anything to do with his children?

I am a mess. That was meant for another thread. Ignore me.

Mona, if he is keeping contact with them, in case you split up, that’s really sad. I know this probably sounds strange, but you should both set up an ‘escape fund’. Individual accounts where you both agree to save money every month. It’s usually women that do it in case of marriage breaking down and it’s in order for them to start again. Maybe if he feels he has this cushion, he can untangle himself from them. As time passes he may feel more secure in your marriage as I’m sure they’d dripping poison into his ear at every opportunity. As the children get older and start asking questions, you may find that this situation does affects your marriage.

If you don’t have spare money to do this then he shouldn’t be fucking wasting it on modifying THEIR house.

I can't understand how your dh can spend time with his parents when they don't want to see you or his children. Doesn't make sense. Isn't it hugely awkward? Does he just not talk about 80% of his life?? That is so bizarre.

And building them a loft. Sod that. Time he should be spending with his daughters.

Stop trying to make the ils spend time with your children. Why would you want your children near such awful people?

It’s ok Mona you’ve every right to be ‘a mess’. You’ve a lot on your mind. If you feel that he won’t untangle himself from them, then you need to tell him that they are not to be mentioned to you or the children. He is welcome to visit them, but as far as you and the children are concerned, they no longer exist. You need to put them out of your thoughts and treat the fact that he goes to them, as if he’s going off to do a hobby.

At this point I would give up on pushing the idea of any relationship between them and your DC. Sad, but they are the ones with the problem. I would just accept that they will play no part in your life or the dcs' lives. The thing that would worry me is that your husband can tolerate their attitude towards his choices, and his wife and children. I would expect him to step back contact a bit even if not go no contact. It is dysfunctional for him to carry on as normal with them in the face of this. I would not want to argue it out with them or change their minds, just for your husband to have a clearer view on things. Sorry if I have missed and you have said, but would he consider counselling or reading to help him see things clearly for himself?

When you say it is the first time your husband has stood up to them, what do you mean? I thought from what you wrote he had said that if no interest in new baby, they would not see any of the dc...but they don't want to anyway....

Also, it is not about political disagreements or even personal stuff. Normal people do not let that stop them seeing their grandchildren. How bad is the hoarding.....are they in poor mental health generally?

He said that today as in the first time he's not just said "Ok, it's your choice". It's the first time he's actually said "All or none" as we've previously tried pushing a relationship and to him now, they're done on that front.

I agree that he should be investing any spare money into us and our family. We don't have a lot spare at all.

OP, it sounds as if your better off without them in your lives anyway!!

They obviously don't like you because you are a strong, well spoken woman (not in the kitchen slaving after DH like they want) and by the sounds of them, don't want to know your lovely children because you were younger then you had them and out of wedlock?

What a load of snobbish twunts!!! I can understand why you are upset because they should want to be involved in your family. But it sounds like a blessing in disguise. They are the ones missing out not you.

Don't give them a second thought and let them crack on. You can sleep well in the knowledge that you tried but their complete ignorance is losing them the chance to be apart of a wonderful family. Boo for them.

Your lovely daughters won't miss what they never had. You are all the family they need. [Flowers]

Perhaps he's also making sure he gets his inheritance.

On the loft conversion... I suppose it's his stuff they're storing...why doesnt he bring his stuff to your house?

...and does this mean they wouldn't be bothered if anything happened to your DC? I just don't understand how they want nothing to do with their grandchildren.

I'd really struggle marrying into a family who hated me so much.

Our house is quite small and very low on storage. We have a shed in the garden that stores all of his numerous tools and woodworking bits as he likes to make things in his spare time but we don't have room for his childhood things that he's storing for nostalgia sakes and for the children when they're older.

Our house is a pretty compact three bed and any clutter really shows as we have no in built storage so it's all in bulky furniture. I like a tidy, clean home but the things DH has are sentimental but utter crap- think boxes and boxes of a beer mat collection, models from Games Workshop games that are role playing Dungeons and Dragons type. I can see why they're sentimental so I've never pushed it but I think a storage unit is one way to get all of his stuff back without getting it back, if you see what I mean?

DH has hoarder tendencies too. I've told him go put them all in a storage unit if they mean that much but while he's still under his parents toxic spell he obviously is right in saying it saves money to keep the things with them.

To be fair to them I can see why he needs to pay for the loft space...as it's his stuff. It would be unfair for them to fork out for it if it's not their stuff.

Other than that...they're not nice people for totally disregarding their DGCs.

I'm wondering if they don't want to form a relationship out of fear your marriage ends...and they don't get to see thed kids.

So they have gone into protective mode from the get go to avoid forming a bond with them.

I remember when my DB was getting divorced and my DM asked Ex SIL if she'd still see the GCs. It's a fear some people have when it's their son's children.

Still weird as hell though.

DH and I have broken up before (around 6 years ago) and he's had unlimited access to the girls in that time while he was staying with them (although he always chose to take them out rather than stay in due to their hostility) so if that is a concern I've never shown any signs of ever stopping contact in the past.

There's nothing I or DH can do to change their minds it's bloody awful because on one hand I'm doing the right thing not promoting contact with those who are toxic and on the other, I don't want the girls to ever think I didn't extend several opportunities and accommodate them beyond reasonable standards in order to make them comfortable enough to establish a relationship.