MIL, Pregnancy & Grandchildren

[MonaTheMoaner]

DH and I have been together over a decade and have two children together, DD1 10 and DD2 7.

It's been obvious MIL and FIL don't like me or approve of me so I've stayed well away only voicing my concerns about my daughters but they don't want to know them at all. They've seen them a handful of times in their lives and never send Christmas or birthday cards, don't ask how they are and basically want no relationship with any of us except DH.

Last week DH had to pop into his mum's while out with the girls so the girls went inside. They always ask about their grandparents and have very few memories of them so I hoped with the girls talking to them and being in front of them they may realise what they're missing out on and want DH to take them over more often or offer to form a relationship with them. They spoke politely to them about school (both MIL and FIL are school teachers in infant and high schools respectively) but that's it. Nothing else. A week has gone by and nothing has been said to DH about more contact.

DH popped over this morning and told them I'm 9 weeks pregnant with baby 3. They said they wanted nothing to do with this one either. No congratulations to DH or asking how their granddaughters are - just a firm belief they want nothing to do with any of our children. DH told them they'll have nothing to do with any of them if that's the way they feel.

I'm hurt and upset. I should know by now they won't change but it's so hard because although they don't like me, they could still have a relationship with our children and I wouldn't be involved. They love DH and support him but not with his family. Everyone thinks they're lovely people and very upstanding citizens (not older - mid fifties and very active) so I get really upset inside that this isn't who they are but it makes me out to be the bad guy because it's unbelievable to people that they wouldn't want to be involved. SIL is very much of the same ilk. She will happily spend time forming relationships with cousins and friends children but to even suggest taking our daughters out for lunch on her own is abominable.

I guess I just needed somewhere to vent this out as there's nothing I can do to change the situation but DD's have no grandparents on our side and considering how close I was (and still am) to my grandparents who treated me as a daughter, I wish my daughters had a relationship similar in their lives.

Surely it would be cheaper to get a small storage unit to store his childhood things then the time, money to convert his parents loft.

You'd think. He's genuinely trying to help them but the bizarre thing is - WHY?

They clearly don't care about his happiness, respecting him or his family or even asking after his children which make up a huge part of his life.

I'm so annoyed by it and the more I talk about it the less hurt I am by them and the more annoyed I am with DH for just allowing it to go on and to not inform them that he will exclude them from his entire life if they cannot accept what he has.

A storage unit probably would be cheaper and would also be less time consuming and less connectionwith on depending on his parents. I would seriously get a few estimates, there are loads of places now all keen to undercut each other with the first few months often free. If you give your DP a quote it might make it harder for him to ignore that possibility.

No real advice as I’ve never been in this situation before but I just wanted to say how measured and mature you seem. At 19 I would have massively flounced and insisted my DP went no contact with his awful parents!

In fairness it sounds like he’s hit a turning point

You're making excuses for him! How I see it, is that he doesn't see this relationship lasting and possibly even shared some of their views about you? Perhaps he feels trapped?

Either way, LTB! Get as far away from this weird family as you possibly can!!!

I should know, I've been there! My daughter hasn't seen her Dad or paternal Grandparents in 2 years. As soon as we split, he didn't want to see our daughter either! He now lives with them and doesn't want anything to do with our child!!!

Sickening narcissism.

If it helps I had grandparents like this. They disliked DM & eventually stopped talking to her when I was around 8. From that moment they stopped talking to me too. I was taken to see them each Sunday and they didn't speak to me at all. I spoke up eventually & I didn't have to go again. My DF continued to have a relationship with them, a once a week visit. His only sister stopped talking to us (including DF) a few years later & I have two first cousins I have never met, and two I haven't seen for a very long time obviously. DM is an only child like I am so my immediate family is very small. They would speak to my other grandmother in town when I was with her & on one memorable occasion when I had a French exchange student visiting, my grandfather sat between us on a bus. That was very awkward. Initially they sent a few presents which I sent back. When I got my A Level results they sent a telegram which I ripped up and posted back to them - they lived 10 minutes walk from my house. They are dead now, people knew what they were like and we've survived. Do what you need to for your family & don't let their stupidity hurt & undermine you.

Going off on a bit of a tangent, but I think it would really help your husband s issues if he physically moved his possessions out of their house, it might then also make getting rid of them easier, by selling or whatever when he had no physical tie to his parents and he sees his much family space the boxes take up· He probably can't remember what's even in most of the boxes·

moana why does he keep going back?

When you have a puppy or a kitten, they want and need lots of attention and love. Seems that the young things who get lots of love tend to grow up feeling more secure and are more independent. It's the youngsters who get some affection but not that much, or less than the other siblings, who struggle to break free as mature creatures.

If you read Mumsnet a lot (if you have time!) there are a lot of threads where the people still long for unconditional parental love if they've gone short early on. Going short can be pretty subtle too, not necessarily obvious neglect.

The time comes when you have to break free though if you're ever going to establish yourself as a real adult. Knowing you are quietly on his side will really mean so much to him. He'll need you.

How I see it, is that he doesn't see this relationship lasting

I tend to agree with this. He doesn't want to go NC with them..because if it ends with you...he needs them.

Not something I wanted to hear but I fear it's true. While we both are looking to the future together at the moment together it's feels in this situation that I'm more committed.

I think a serious discussion needs to be had.