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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheated

51 replies

MumToBe2015R · 03/02/2018 12:53

I don't know how I could have done this to him...! I feel absolutely horrible & disgusted with myself... it's to the point where I can't even look him in the eye. So basically we've been married 10years lately he shows me no attention (said it to him a few times)
My ex of 12years ago showed me some attention & I up & went to meet him. Stupid of me I no! He clearly said he wanted to share 1 last kiss before he got married in a few months. I told him NO we'll just meet for a coffee & a chat. Abit stupid of me considering I knew what his intentions were. So anyway I went to meet him, we ended up kissing. Not just a kiss, it went on for ages. I don't know what to do now...
me & oh have a 4year too. Do I keep quiet?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 03/02/2018 12:58

What does 'not just a kiss' mean?

Kissing and fumbling?
Kissing and a blow job?
Kissing and sex?

Original poster

MumToBe2015R · 03/02/2018 13:00

Kissing, he ended up going in my top & groping my breasts. Tmi I know

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 03/02/2018 13:09

Ok. So not IDEAL but not as bad as it could've been.

You've got two separate issues here:

You're not happy in your marriage and your husband isn't showing you affection.

You've cheated and feel guilty.

Whilst they are related, don't conflate the two. If you really want your marriage to work I wouldn't alleviate your guilt by telling your husband about the kiss and grope.

You need to talk to him properly about your relationship and how you move forward and get back on track. If he's not willing to work at it properly you need to consider whether it's worth staying with him.

Either way the kiss is a symptom of your dissatisfaction and nothing will be gained from disclosing it except for alleviating your guilt.

Mum8515 · 03/02/2018 13:16

That's what I have been thinking, I'm just going to end up making a mess of things if I told him. Is it bad the fact that I want to see my ex again? Although a few days after we met he messaged & said clearly we're not doing this again (even though it was his idea) we'll just remain friends...! Or am I just being stupid because he showed me some attention?

TournesolsetLavande · 03/02/2018 13:17

Stop make no excuses for what you did. It’s not your husbands fault. You clearly still have feelings for your ex.

Thank your lucky stars it was just a snog and a fumble and move on from it. I pity your exes fiancée.

TournesolsetLavande · 03/02/2018 13:18

That should say ex’s

Myheartbelongsto · 03/02/2018 13:23

Have some integrity and tell him.

WitchesHatRim · 03/02/2018 13:25

Stop making excuses for starters. This is on you not your DH.

KarmaStar · 03/02/2018 13:27

Hi OP, MERRYOLDGOAT has hit the nail on the head.
Don't tell him ,it's just offloading your guilt,nothing will be achieved by it.
Don't contact your ex again even as 'friends' under any circumstances.think of your dc and his excited bride to be.
Sort out your marriage,work on it,have you been giving your husband attention and he has ignored you or have you both let things slide?
If that's the case then have fun rejuvenating your relationship.plan so fun,sexy ,times for the two of you and some great family times and reconnect as a family.

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 03/02/2018 13:34

We all want to go there - as someone else said it could have been much worse ! It's over and it's done and you have been stupid - so what ? WE are all human - except many of the righteous on here ! Move on, forget about it and work on your marriage .

Mum8515 · 03/02/2018 13:42

It's my fault as I let it happen. I shouldn't have gone to meet him.

Mum8515 · 03/02/2018 13:44

Thank you for your reply. I think we both have just let things slide. We both don't really have a social life either. When he's at work I'm at home with dc & when he's home we're home together.

There's no fun in our life anymore, we've spoken about it in the past but he doesn't seem interested. His answer is we need to concentrate on our child & life....

FunnyThat · 03/02/2018 14:20

OP - you have to be true to yourself. If your husband will not even consider changing then you face a huge challenge. You won't be able to do this on your own. If his vision doesn't match yours then you need to tell him so and tell him what you want and need. You should be honest with him. You owe it to yourself.

I am in exactly the same situation. The only thing that has changed my situation is focusing on myself and seeing a counselor. This has made me more comfortable about addressing what is important to me and being unemotionally direct and specific with my wife. Like your husband, she believes there is no space for looking after a marriage now we have children. She will not see a counselor.

Spending time with my counselor (she is very very good) has helped me realise how much my wants and needs have been increasingly minimalised and sidelined over the years. Now that I have a third party giving me an independent viewpoint and advice, I can address these from a position of confidence and acceptance. It may not fix things, but it will at least get us to a point where we, or I, can make a final decision as to whether we are right together.

Seeing your ex is all a symptom of your home life. Stay away from him and address your problems at home directly with your husband.

TournesolsetLavande · 03/02/2018 14:51

This is one of those threads where if the OP were a man the responses would be completely different.

Can’t imagine many married men with small children at home being told we all make mistakes, we are all human’ or ‘you have to be true to yourself and if your wife won’t change and give you more attention etc etc ....’

WitchesHatRim · 03/02/2018 14:54

Bad form to Name Change during your own thread!

You cheated.

Looking forward to those that are seeking to excuse what you have done, saying the same on a thread where a man has cheated.

adayatthebeach · 03/02/2018 14:58

Even though we are married we are still individuals. We try not to do things to hurt each other. As a person we still have experiences in life and have a right to choose what we do and face the consequences.

deadringer · 03/02/2018 15:06

Tour what difference does it make what people would say if the op was male, it's irrelevant to this thread. People try to give advice as best they can, they shouldn't have to worry about what they would say if circumstances were different. Anyway op, as pp said, you have 2 separate issues here, the state of your marriage, and the fact that you kissed someone else. You have behaved badly, no excuses. Personally I would not tell my dh if this happened to me, but I would learn from it. Never, ever see your ex again, he sounds like a dickhead anyway. And start thinking seriously about how you want your marriage to be. You won't be able to fix things on your own though so you need a serious talk with your dh. He needs to understand how you feel about his lack of attention, I assume you are attentive to him and his needs. Perhaps couples counselling would be a good idea.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/02/2018 15:09

Tour what difference does it make what people would say if the op was male, it's irrelevant to this thread

No it isn't irrelevant. It's double standards.

It matters not if the cheat is male or female. They should be held to the same standard.

Mum8515 · 03/02/2018 15:14

I changed my name before writing out this post, obviously didn't change so went back to change it...! If you have no decent advise to give why don't you bugger off! I need genuine advise, I know I've done wrong & I'm not denying it...!!

letsdolunch321 · 03/02/2018 15:16

You had a kiss, he had a grope, put it behind you. It was a one off, tell your hubby things are not going well you need to sort out what is not working in your relationship.

Mum8515 · 03/02/2018 15:16

witcheshatrim

Graphista · 03/02/2018 15:25

But you are excusing and minimising and blaming dh.

I disagree with not telling I think you need to tell him and let him decide if he'll forgive you.

You also need to cut the ex out of your life COMPLETELY he is not a friend to you OR your marriage.

You fucked up - own it and deal with the consequences.

Mum8515 · 03/02/2018 15:31

Graphista I'm not blaming dh! It's true he doesn't Show me no attention, no excuse to what I've done I know!

HonkyWonkWoman · 03/02/2018 15:32

I definitely would not tell your Dh, what good would that do?
And do not contact this ex ever again, he is just using you.
Concentrate on your Dh and marriage and try to get some spark back.

Mum8515 · 03/02/2018 15:35

Funnythat sorry to hear your going through the same problem... it's difficult isn't it?
Why our partners feel as though we have children now & we no longer need a life as husband & wife is beyond me...!
I've been told by a friend to try marriage counselling, so I am giving that a thought. Not sure what dh will think of the suggestion as he seems to think nothing is wrong with our relationship!
Hope you get matters sorted with your OH

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