Cheated

[MumToBe2015R]

I don't know how I could have done this to him...! I feel absolutely horrible & disgusted with myself... it's to the point where I can't even look him in the eye. So basically we've been married 10years lately he shows me no attention (said it to him a few times)
My ex of 12years ago showed me some attention & I up & went to meet him. Stupid of me I no! He clearly said he wanted to share 1 last kiss before he got married in a few months. I told him NO we'll just meet for a coffee & a chat. Abit stupid of me considering I knew what his intentions were. So anyway I went to meet him, we ended up kissing. Not just a kiss, it went on for ages. I don't know what to do now...
me & oh have a 4year too. Do I keep quiet?

Honky yes definetly won't be contacting him again...! I realised the same but by then was too late, stupid of me!
By going by what alot on here have said I don't think I should tell him, it's not going to make things better. Hopefully we will get past this & bring that spark back in our life

"He doesn't pay me enough attention"

Is simply your version of

"My wife doesn't understand me"

Yes you ARE blaming dh and until you stop that you are at risk of minimising what you did more and more over time and cheating again because "dh doesn't pay me enough attention" grow up and deal with what you did.

Of course it’s not going to make things better. You betrayed your husband.

But telling him is the honest thing to do in a marriage.

If you have no decent advise to give why don't you bugger off!

You can't tell people who can and can't post.

HTH

Why our partners feel as though we have children now & we no longer need a life as husband & wife is beyond me...!

More excuses.

Oh and I will post if I want to.

Your own fault, deal with the consequences

You kissed him, the world won’t end. Truly. There is NO point in telling your DH. None.

However, you HAVE to use this massive wake up call. You have to have a really good think about what to do now. Being a parent is a huge thing, but it doesn’t mean you’re no longer a separate individual with needs and desires. You either need to get yourvDH to understanfpd that or you need to separate BEFORE you do something really regrettable.

You are entitled to be happy and have your emotional & physical needs met. If your DH is no longer interested in being the person to do that, then you need to move on. He doesn’t get to dictate that you have to live with things as they are now.

Mum8515 I've been suggested marriage counselling for well over 5 years, but she doesn't want to know. She was brought up NOT to talk about things and thinks it's normal for husband and wife to do nothing together as a couple after children, because her parents didn't. Funnily enough that wasn't what she said before we had children.

So now I go to see my own counselor - she is truly amazing and helps be get things straight in my head.

As others have said, you've f@"cked up with the ex. Block him from everything. Never see him/talk to him/msg him again. Be honest and sort things at home. Even if that means moving on from the marriage if that's right for you.

OP - life isn’t black and white.
You made a mistake. Own up to it - to yourself and do what you need to do to fix it.
Try to work on your relationship...
Don’t unburn your guilt on him.

But in the end - he needs to want to change too. And start giving you more of what you need. Because you don’t sound happy and it’s not a way to live.

Some of you think I'm so needy, I'm not. When I'm at home all day looking after our child, cooking, cleaning, washing I would appreciate a little bit of attention at some point! He comes home from work & is straight on his phone (Facebook/YouTube) doesn't ever ask how was your day/what you been up to! I always ask how his day has been etc! He needs to change & that's for his own benefit, because if not I cannot stick in a unhappy marriage...!

Fine - then you leave the marriage, you don't cheat and blame him for your lack of self control.

Come to that - where did you meet ex?

Cos he didn't , "ended up going in my top & groping my breasts." In Costa!

funnythat oh is the same. He never wants to express what he feels. He thinks it's about children & life now. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Valentines is all unnecessary he states. He was not like this when I met him, he's changed a lot after we had our child.

I've blocked/deleted the ex from my life, was just a very Big Immature Mistake...! I will try & work on our marriage, if it's going to be one sided & he feels he can't change then I will have to leave as I cannot live unhappy!

We got a coffee & sat in his car because we didn't want to be seen!

Josuk I'm not happy & it's been a while that I've just been putting it aside & continuing. Never did the thought of cheating cross my mind. Regret meeting the ex! I've asked him to change over & over again. This is the last try I'm going to give our marriage

This is one of those threads where if the OP were a man the responses would be completely different.

^This

OP - MN is typically black/white on these things - but life never is.
And people do act as a response of their situation and how they feel.

You kissed an ex. Sure. It happened.....
However - that in itself isn’t the main issue. That can be chucked up to long ego emotions flairing up, alcohol, etc.
If you had a great relationship with your H - you’d go home, feel guilty for a while, became a little more attentive to your H - and 10years down the road none of that would have mattered.

But - this is not where you are. The kiss isn’t the problem, more of a symptom.
So - as you said - living like this, in a miserable relationship isn’t worth it. He needs to change.
You probably do too - because no matter what you think about yourself and how good a partner you are - you still need to ask him if YOU are making him happy and, if not, also change.
It rarely one sided.

Good luck.

Well - maybe take some heart that you have recognised instantly that you have done something regrettable and you aren’t going down the road that so many do - justifying their behavior by blaming DP and embarking on a full blown affair.
It was just a kiss and this can happen when people are vulnerable and low and unhappy.
So this is not about you or about your DH and it’s certainly not about your ex - it’s about your marriage. And you need to both fix it - BOTH of you! Your DH may need an indication of how serious this has become - but you both deserve happiness.
You’ve shown some strength and character to own up now and stop things before lasting damage is done.
Couples counselling perhaps? Good luck OP.

If you have an issue in a relationship you should talk about it & choose whether to end it or not. You don’t contact ex’s & fumble like a 15 year old

To not tell him is to lie to him! You cheated! If you respect him in any way you should tell him and let him make a decision on whether he can move on from it.
A lie in a relationship is not worth it. The truth may come out. How would you OH feel if he found out from somebody else?
Not telling him is not protecting him, it is protecting yourself.

I wouldn’t tell him, but I would take this as a wake up call to change your marriage. You’ve realised what you have to lose, remember this feeling and resolve to be the best partner you can be.

You’d only be telling him to make yourself feel better. You made this mistake, the guilt you feel is the price you pay, and your price alone.

Cut contact with your ex, and never let anything like this happen again. Focus on the life you’ve built with your husband. This isn’t worth destroying that for.

It's about the 'Now'

Your 4 year old child is the most important person here. He or she is in the present.

There are reasons why you left your ex. And there are reasons why you left your current partner. Those reasons are independent. Ex is not the saviour of your dreams.

You may want to understand a bit more why your relationship isn't currently working. That's a good place to start.

Thank you for your replies Josuk, Dadaist , ReggaetonLente & 000bourneFarm I totally understand what you all are saying & will take it in. I have deleted ex from my life completely (social media, phone). It has made me feel disgusting to what I have done & will not be going there again. Will work on making a change in our marriage. We need to sit down & talk and know each others views. I'm open to making that happen, I'm prepared to change if I'm not making him happy. I'm willing to try & do all I can for is as a family.

We all make mistakes OP. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. It’s what you do from here on out that matters.

Best of luck.

I know it's been a while since I posted on here. Me & dh haven't really sorted out our differences as yet or talked about it
Why do I keep thinking about the ex? No contact has been made with him. Had this weird dream about him last night.... why is this happening to me... I try not to think about him & concentrate on my family...

OP - studies into drug addiction reveal that the effects of addictive drugs trigger the same parts of the brain as intimate human relationships. There is also a lot around about the chemical effects in people’s brain triggered by affairs.
So I’ll tell you what I tell my teenagers about drug addiction.
A drug can give you a little taste of heaven - make you feel wonderful - and you will crave the experience. Everything else in your life will be fine and you will believe you can take time out and experience it again with no ill effects. That little taste of heaven becomes harder to achieve - you need more to get the same effect. Gradually you find you need it more often. You interrupt your life more.
In the end the addiction will take everything you have from you, your relationships, your money, your job, your family and your home. It will devour everything and you will crave it still - just to get through each day.
It gives you a little taste of heaven and it drags you into hell.
What you are experiencing is craving and the belief you could relieve it by one more hit.
It could upend your life.