How can I let go of my failed marriage?

[Sparrowlegs248]

And the resentment that goes with it. I had been unhappy for a long time. However was quite controlling (in am underhand way) some (mumsnet when I asked) would say abusive. Issues of his own.

Long story short he eventually left 3 months ago. We have 2 small children, I'm coming to the end of maternity leave.

He's behaving as if it's just a matter of time before I back down. He's started wearing his wedding ring which angers me beyond belief. He's never worn it so it holds no significance. He comes to see the children. I hate it when he's here. We are happy without him. I am so much more relaxed, not having to question myself/my behaviour/plans etc to avoid a sulk or blow up from him .

There are a few things bothering me that I need to get past. When things are hard at home, which thy can be sometimes with the children, I blame him. (In my head) Like it's his fault I'm in the situation of dealing with them on my own because he couldn't be a decent human being. I get resentful.

Also, he's living with his parents. He's gone from me doubt everything to his mum doing everything. The mountains of stuff that cluttered our house, he is moving to his parents and grand parents. He's not dealing with any of the issues. This isn't my problem. I wouldn't have him back if he was dealing with it all as I think he should, but it infuriates me that he clearly thinks he can do sod all, change nothing, and waltz back in when I "get over it"

He takes the children for a day, to his parents. His mum does all the looking after. He does the playing.

How can I let it go? I am genuinely happy he's gone but am finding the link with him too much atm.

You need to come at this from a different viewpoint.
Were you left to deal with things on your own even when you were together? If so, take the view that you were really a single parent even then.
If not, what did he contribute to parenting (bear in mind it's a hell of a lot more than just playing with them here and there)?
The emotional ties are very hard to deal with, but if you step back and consider your situation as if it were happening to someone else, what would you advise?
Go with that.

I did everything myself when he was here plus extra because he was here and did sod all. I don't love him. I don't miss him . I think I'm just really pissed off at him.

He went on about how he would sort himself out, deal with his issues etc then......nothing. in one way I'm pleased as I don't feel obliged to entertain the idea of getting back together. But he's carrying on as if it's just a matter of time. I suppose I need to spell it out again.

Can you stop him from coming directly to your home? Your home should be your sanctuary and he really shouldn't have any access to it. I'd advise drawing up some strict boundaries where there's no communication except by text, handover of children on the doorstep or at his parents but not inside your house. And practising what's called 'grey rock', when he is in your presence.
Its hard, but not impossible to get your life back the way you want it. If you follow these steps you're also signalling the end of the relationship. Are you ready to dip your toe into online dating yet?

I don't feel I can stop him coming here. The children are young, both 2 andays under. I think I need to make it once a week though. It makes everything later than it should be so after a full day with the children I often don't get downstairs til 8.30 whereas they're in bed 7 to 7.30 if it's just me. .

I've no interest in online dating. I'm happy to be on my own for now.

I suppose I'll just get to the stage where it bothers me less. I know I need to make it clear there's no going back. Even that annoys me though. He's VERY difficult to talkeep to. I've given no indication that this is temporary.

I went through similar. You dont have to manage him any longer, if he wants to wear his wedding ring or stay at his patents, let him, its not your problem

Tell him he can come to yous on a Saturday, you GI out for the day, have some me time and let him get on with it

He needs to take the dc out. I wouldn't have him in the house. Sort out a more formal arrangement. At least with spring/summer coming he can take them to the park or something soon. When he's seeing the dc, leave him to it.

I detect a lot of resentment from your post.

Resentment...

That he's not trying to be better.

That you're stuck with the kids mostly

That he gets away with doing the bare minimum

That he's not even shown a desire to want to come back...even though you don't want him

Perhaps he just doesn't have it in him to step up and be responsible parent. ...which is very disappointing because you know it's all down to you.

Being a parent doesn't come easy to many people....the key is in the willingness to actually learn ...bus parenting classes...or books...or online reading. Does he even recognise he's not being an involved dad?

I would say you absolutely can stop him coming to your house. He is able to take them to his parents house so he can do that more often? Or he can take them to softplay and out for tea.

I think you need to reclaim your own space so that you don't feel invaded all the time. I'm not surprised you feel angry and resentful! You're dealing with looking after two small children whilst he swans about with his mum washing his pants and cooking his tea whilst he waits for you to come to your senses and realise what a fabulous catch he is after all. I'm infuriated just reading it.

Could you look at getting some counselling so you have a safe space to vent?

Sandy - yes I am very resentful. Not about him showing no desire to come back. He texts frequently about how much he misses us/me, loves me, wants to make it work, hopes it's not forever etc. Yet does nothing, not one thing, towards addressing the behaviors that ruined our relationship. The texts piss me off. I don't respond, at all .

Sunshine - nail on head. Mum washing pants.

He takes them Sunday. The home visits are after work. No real scope to take them out given age/time.

OP, I could have written your post word for word although my ex moved out last summer. His mum irons his pants!

As time goes by I find myself feeling both angrier and less angry if that makes sense at all - to try and encompass a massive load of issues, I'm angry that even the breakdown of our marriage did not force him to look further than superficially at the problems that caused the build up of resentment over years. I'm less angry as time has made me realise that I can't 'fix' it but I can be there for the children and support them through it, and I can have a chance at happiness for myself too.

The difference is that I am currently relying on him for childcare as I work two long shifts a week, one of which is a night, and as he will happily take the kids to his parents and make minimal effort but not have them there overnight I am stuck with him here overnight when I'm at work. He makes noises about finding his own place but can't be bothered. I am hoping to buy him out of the house at the end of the year so fingers crossed it won't continue for much longer, as if he can't pull himself together before then I may have to consider other options - potentially moving or using a childminder for one night a week.

My ex is very difficult and emotionally very manipulative, so I have had to harden myself to him which does not come naturally to me. I wish I had some answers for you but I just keep on cracking on and doing what I need to. Although life is hard in different ways, the emotional relief of being free of him is still massive.

I don't resent having the children on my own. I prefer it. I resent the fact that I'm doing it alone because he's useless as a parent and husband.

Home visits after work need to stop.

Get selfish. The week day visits don't suit you so stop them, it doesn't always need to be you being accommodating.

I say selfish because that's how I feel when I put myself first but sometimes you have to and this seems like one of those times.

If I stop home visits I'm effectively stopping him seeing the baby.

Witchery - sounds very similar. I will be back at work soon and may well have to rely on him for some childcare. He will finish work neatly 2 hours before me so could bring them home when his mum has them .

Wotcher not Witchery!

You are not, the breakdown of your marriage is, it means this happens. Again, don't wear all problems of this situation.

Look after you.

His actions continue to confirm that you made the right decision.

Understandable to be angry with him, eg for his crappy behaviour and failing you and the DC.

Best to focus on the practicalities of financial separation and planning, childcare arrangements for returning to work etc.

Thank you green. It doesn't come naturally but you are right of course. I suppose also that I don't want to stop the visits then have to go back "cap in hand" to start them out of necessity when I'm back at work.

Can you go out if he has to come to your house? Do the weekly shop? Or go and sit in a coffee shop and read or go to the gym. Anything so that you're not there.

Is there a long term plan on housing? will you stay in the current house with the DC? Once he has his own place that will hopefully make things a bit easier as the DC can go there presumably. Are there any steps you can take towards moving things along practically? It might help to signal to him that this isn't a temporary situation.

It's entirely natural to feel resentful about his attitude and behaviour, and the fact that these are ongoing makes it even more understandable.
I think you should take the pressure off yourself about dealing with your feelings of resentment right now. Working through all of those emotions, and coming out the other side, will be incredibly healing, one day. But right now you're incredibly early on in the process, with huge physical demands on your time, and still having to have so much contact with him.
Be kind to yourself by not getting guilty about what you feel, and work instead on taking forward divorce and sensible child contact arrangements.

Hi OP,
I was you, five years ago now. I felt so let down and incredulous that even the breakup of the marriage didn’t engender and reflection on his part. Or cause him to step up as a parent. I found it so hard to accept that. He literally played a childminder role 2 nights a month while I was on call. That was the sum total of his contribution. I felt it very hard to detach and move on from it. I also never fully believed I had what it takes to be everything my kids need. I felt overwhelmed with the responsibility, and ‘stuck’ with those feelings for a fair while.

Like many entitled inadequate men, your ex wants the status of ‘married family man’ and feels he should make no effort for this. That goes to the heart of why you can no longer be married. Don’t give it a second more thought.

What I did to help me move on was to go in to therapy. Good, proper, analytical therapy to work out how I ended up choosing this inadequate man and face up to what I had to do, acknowledge that I was perfectly capable of meeting my kids’ needs. It gave me the confidence to stop facilitating his crap and be assertive.

I sat down face to face with him and demanded that he contribute more. My therapy freed me from the emotional entanglement and we have gone, miraculously, from frosty to almost friendly!

Your dc are small and this affects what can be done right now but if you can.... do remember that this is just a phase, your kids will grow and be able to spend more time with him. Please find your voice and say ‘you coming on X day does not work, you neeed to do Y’ and start making this work for you. Start replying to his pathetic texts by making it clear that reconciliation is off the cards. Let him wear the ring/let his mother do the child care - repeat at nauseam - not my circus - not my monkeys. Who cares what he does. Think now about what you need and start to shape things with a view to your lovely future.

Powerful voice of experience there HipsterAssassin

I can't really go out as he's not able to have them on his own. His admission. Also, I've put effort into getting bedtime routine sorted and would rather he didn't message it up. I'm going green to cut it down though. I hate it.

I don't know re housing yet. We join try own this house so legally he didn't gave to leave at all once I'm back at work and my finances are settled I'll know more about what I can manage financially .

@HipsterAssassin yes. You've summed it up.2 days after he left he was full of how he could see my point now, understood what I was saying, was going to do x,y, z and then.......... nothing.

I've been leaving things, not encouraging him but not spelling it out to him (though jesus he must have thick skin ) because I want to get my work situation and finances settled. I feel he may change completely once he knows I'm serious.

This...pleasantness is what I hate. It's just nothingness . He's not being actively nice, just amenable. And like I said, like he's waiting. It's just not him .

He's just text to say he thinks we should talk about where we go from here. Ive said, several times, that I don't want him here, my life iso better, easier, happier without him. That I hate his negativity do the want the boys growing up with him as a permanent role model. What's not to understand? Why doesn't he take me seriously?