How can I let go of my failed marriage?

[Sparrowlegs248]

And the resentment that goes with it. I had been unhappy for a long time. However was quite controlling (in am underhand way) some (mumsnet when I asked) would say abusive. Issues of his own.

Long story short he eventually left 3 months ago. We have 2 small children, I'm coming to the end of maternity leave.

He's behaving as if it's just a matter of time before I back down. He's started wearing his wedding ring which angers me beyond belief. He's never worn it so it holds no significance. He comes to see the children. I hate it when he's here. We are happy without him. I am so much more relaxed, not having to question myself/my behaviour/plans etc to avoid a sulk or blow up from him .

There are a few things bothering me that I need to get past. When things are hard at home, which thy can be sometimes with the children, I blame him. (In my head) Like it's his fault I'm in the situation of dealing with them on my own because he couldn't be a decent human being. I get resentful.

Also, he's living with his parents. He's gone from me doubt everything to his mum doing everything. The mountains of stuff that cluttered our house, he is moving to his parents and grand parents. He's not dealing with any of the issues. This isn't my problem. I wouldn't have him back if he was dealing with it all as I think he should, but it infuriates me that he clearly thinks he can do sod all, change nothing, and waltz back in when I "get over it"

He takes the children for a day, to his parents. His mum does all the looking after. He does the playing.

How can I let it go? I am genuinely happy he's gone but am finding the link with him too much atm.

"divorce".

^^

I think you answer honestly. "I agree. We need to take practical steps to conclude our relationship formally. I will look into seeing a solicitor in the next few weeks to get things moving."

This isn’t about him or what he is or isn’t doing; it’s about you not fully accepting who he is and that there wasn’t/ isn’t a parallel universe where your relationship would have worked. For all his faults and I’m sure there are many, you didn’t have to ‘do’ everything, that was a choice (a common fix for staying in a relationship with a man child). Despite what you say, on many levels you’ve still waiting for him to be different and your resentment comes from the conflict of knowing that he won’t but still wishing that he would.

When Ex was on remand for attacking me he wrote me a letter making excuses for his behaviour and I was so angry because he had failed to grasp the opportunity to reflect on his behaviour. However, his pathetic excuses was exactly what I needed because it was the catalyst to stop looking to him for answers. Instead the relationship post-mortem was about my role in our dynamic, not to self flagellate but to understand why I had invested so much in a relationship that I had simply out grown. In ten years I had put my blinkers on and manoeuvred our relationship into a situation which he clearly wasn’t emotionally equipped for (not that was an excuse for his behaviour). The ‘if it wasn’t for this just one thing’ thinking, had kept me stuck in the misguided and desperate hope that we were just round the corner of a successful relationship.

I was the victim of an assault but I was a participant in a crappy relationship. As shitty as the assault was, it was the catalyst for the long overdue severing of a unfulfilling relationship.

Be angry, grieve but you need to let go of him robbing you of your happy ever after, there wasn’t one.

Start detaching. Arrange a contact schedule where you’re out of the house or even better, where he takes them to where he’s staying. Stop waiting for him to ‘get it’, his denial over your relationship is his problem, not yours. Be thankful that his Mum will ensure the wellbeing of your children when they are supposedly in his care.

Isetan is bang on here.

I can see that you are looking for him to have a wake up call, to fix himself after the shock of the break-up.

This is just an extension of the 'wishful thinking" that kept you in the relationship for too long in the first place. You asked him to leave because he couldn't change his ways. You are doing great without this man-child disruptive load. Keep focused on that.

When or if he ever attempts to reflect, change and grow (highly unlikely with the comfy, deluded, entitled life he now leads with his mother) just be grateful that your children may benefit from this - but your boat is now sailing on to calm open seas and bright blue skies - leaving him behind as a spec on the horizon.

He will get nasty once he is clear that you are not going back, (these man sized toddlers always do) so just weather the storm. Get your ducks in a row.

Oh god yes! When he finally begins to realise, you’re not for turning, he will turn nasty and or desperately pathetic (not sure which is worse).

As long as your focus is on what he is or isn’t doing, the longer you will stay stuck. It’s time to start acting like the independent woman you are but pretended you weren’t, for so god damn long.

Thank you. It is good to read this stuff. The thing is, I DON'T want him back. I'very long since said that even if he became the perfect husband and father, there are things he's done and said that he can't change and I cant/won't get over. It's his assumption that I WILL have him back, without him trying at all. If he was carrying on as he has been doing, without the constant expectation that I'll come to my senses, I'd find it easier to deal with.

I have waited a long time for him to "get it" you're right. Still doesn't. But yes, I'm disappointed that his so called wake up call was so short lived.

I fully expect him to say later on (I've told him I'll talk tonight) that he can't show me how he's changed when he's not here.

He doesn’t need to “get it”. Just don’t respond to any communications from him other than any essential practical matters and the DC.

I think in a logical sense you may be over him but emotionally you've not and it's this conflict that's keeping you engaged.

Why are you so invested in him being the person you say you don't want?

Your ongoing investment in securing his remorse is like a bat signal to him. He may not be emotionally intelligent or care enough to give you what you want but he knows you're still invested and while you're still invested, there's hope.

Disengage and if you really are finding it difficult, then accept you're not as far into the "Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore" process as you think you are.

I'm not explaining myself very well. I don't care whether he sort himself out or not. It would be nice if he did, for his own sake and that of our children.

It's his presumption that I'll just take him back WITHOUT sorting anything out that really pisses me off.

I've given him no encouragement at all. I've kept contact to texts, and only out of necessity (child arrangements etc) no niceties. When he comes here I don't even really talk to him. We put the children to bed. He leaves.

I know now he doesn't need to "get it." When I realised that, was when I was able to get him to leave.

I wished he'd have an affair so I'd find it easier to put an end to it. He's been in no way supportive and sometimes downright abusive, the final straw being acts of aggression when dc2 was days old. While I was holding him.

You're all right of course . I need to get things mOving on and I suppose that starts tonight. It infuriates me that I suppose I'm going to have to go through it all again.

I also wonder what it is in me that put up with it for so long . 16 years. It should have been 6 months in reality. Why did I let it go on? I won't regret it because of my babies but jesus I need to take a look at myself.

It's his presumption that I'll just take him back WITHOUT sorting anything out that really pisses me off.

Why would that piss you off? His lack of emotional intelligence makes me chuckle. I think you're angry because for so long that presumption was based on fact, in the past he didn't have to do much before you folded. In which case, you're more angry at who you were not who he is.

Yes. I suppose I'm angry at who he thinks I am, which I have given him good cause to think I am over the years.

And it's the constant drip drip drip of expectation from him.

You're right. I don't know why his continued lack of effort is bothering me so much. I suppose it just highlights how little thought or respect he has for me, while constantly arguing otherwise. He thinks I'm stupid. I was stupid.

I appreciate everyone's input here. I have no one really who I can talk to about this.

OP - you don't have to go through it again. Don't waste your breath - you told him again and again and again for 16 years - he didn't listen or respect your opinion. That will be his response tonight. He will only "get it" (ie that it is over) once your stop talking and start walking.

Stop explaining, conversing and trying to get him to understand - just take some action. And yes - looking at why YOU chose to stay in an abusive relationship for so long is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your children. No need to beat yourself up, you are out of it now, but exploring through counselling will answer that for you. You being absorbed in the why he doesn't / can't / won't, change is the same problematic mindset that kept you in the relationship. He is an an entitled little man-child who got is way for 16 years with no consequences, he is now cuddled up with his Mum and shortly will have a new girlfriend who will accept him as he is - so he will never change. Only you can - and you have started. Get stronger and more detached, start looking at and living a life beyond him. How long have you been separated and what are the contact arrangements for your children? It sounds far to cosy and easy for him right now. I would also be very careful of relying on such a character for your childcare - he will hold you hostage - this is where his nastiness and revenge will come out.

Op

I’m glad your eyes have opened and you are free after 16 years.

Make the decision to stop looking back. Start looking ahead and make good plans.

There is no shock he hasn’t changed because to be honest if it was easy to change I’d change myself

He is who he is.

Focus on yourself. Resentment is like drinking your own poison. Maybe you are angry at yourself for investing so much into him.

I am angry at myself you're right.

We've been seperated 3 months as in that's when he left. There was no going back for me since Feb last year. It took me that long to get through to him.

He'll be here soon. So 2 or 3 hours of civility until the children are in bed.

But what’s done is done op.

You had your reasons for staying and I dare say you had some hope.

It’s ok though. You’ll be ok. Don’t spend your emotional energy on him.

He wasn’t worth it before and he really isn’t worth it now.

You’re nobody’s fool. I like the fact your anger has arrived. Shame it didn’t arrive 15 years ago but better late than never!

The best revenge is to be delightfully happy!

Are access arrangements that he takes them to his Mum's on a Sunday and that he comes to your house for a few hours EVERY weeknight ?

He doesn't come equipped every night. He takes both on Sunday. Dc1 goes on Wednesday to pil and sometimes stays over, this was in place prior to separating. Then H likes to come to the house twice in the week really. So he sees dc1 4 times and dc2 3. If he didn't come to the house he'd only see the baby on Sundays.

Once I'm at work pil will have them maybe 1.5 days and I imagine H will be the one to bring them home. I could collect them but much later.

Apologies for the random words my phone seems to add.

I’m not getting why the OP isn’t allowed to be angry and resentful?!

It’s a natural consequence of being in this limbo land of entwined lives but a strong desire to be emotionally disentangled.

It’s a motivating force, showing you that you aren’t able to sustain this current living arrangement. It’s a sign. It needs resolving by action.

Emotionally this current arrangement, is harming you. It’s draining and it’s keeping you tethered. It leaves you too close to this man who you used to be so invested in, and it leaves this open wall in your life and heart, where you’re exposed and effected by all his harmful poison. So, if you had a nice strong walk between you and him, it wouldn’t matter whether he was deluding himself that you’d change your mind. It wouldn’t effect you. But it does effect you now, as you’re wide open to him, he’s in your house, in the heart of your life and your mind.

What would happen if you did just ‘nip out’ when he was visiting one evening? To say he cannot he left alone with his two kids is a big fat statement... I want to unpick it a bit. Is this just one more negative way of behaving he’s fallen into, and you’re inadvertently supporting him in?

Take a step back, is he incapable or negligent in other parts of his life? Can he, for example, eat a sandwich in a cafe whilst talking to his boss? If he can then he can multitask and concentrate on two different things when he wants to!

I realize he is a revolting type of man who’s mummy still washes his pants for him, but if her, and you, are not around, what would happen to your dc? What are the real risks? Are they about temporary discomforts and upsetting but yes, not totally awful things?

Or are the risks of life threatening proportions? Or the type of neglect that would meet social services thresholds?

I’m really pushing this question as it framed what you can do next. And I’m not being unrealistic. Sadly, my boys father did not rise to the challenge of caring for his son. And I ended up letting stbxh visit our home to see ds, and managed to arrange either myself or a nanny to be there at all times. Obviously this couldn’t continue forever and it was awful living like that. Mind you, he was a hideously abusive and fucked up man, not just a bad husband, so I’m unsure how much he has in common with your ex-partner! Anyway, what I do think is relevant is that I couldn’t carry that situation on my back for too long before it was crushing me. He had the keys to our home, would arrive or not, as he pleased, and the limbo land that was intolerable to me, seemed quite acceptable and pleasant to him! The resentment, the anger, boiling and bubbling in me, ugh! I was working all the hours that God sent, all the housework, the childcare, I was exhausted, drained, everything revolved around me making sure ds still had a daddy... and it had to stop.

And it did. I gave him several firm but fair choices that worked for all of us, and included my own needs, not just sacrificing myself for ds need to have a father. It was ds fathers responsibility. Not mine. And not yours. All you can do is be reasonable, offer choices, maintain your own boundaries.

By all means think ahead and get plans in place for your future childcare needs.

My final observation, is that I’ve noticed that what I call ‘my’ needs are actually me and my little boys needs, as my life is all about my ds... but his father, well, his fathers needs are completely divergent from ds. I think that’s the same for many single or separating mothers. That thought might give you courage when daring to push for your ‘own’ needs.

No one said the OP isn’t allowed to be angry. Anger that keeps you stuck, not good, anger that propels you forward is better. However, anger (even the type that propels you forward) has a definite motivating shelf life, before it starts becoming corrosive.

Great. Give him your solicitor's number. That should give a wee indication.