How can I let go of my failed marriage?

[Sparrowlegs248]

And the resentment that goes with it. I had been unhappy for a long time. However was quite controlling (in am underhand way) some (mumsnet when I asked) would say abusive. Issues of his own.

Long story short he eventually left 3 months ago. We have 2 small children, I'm coming to the end of maternity leave.

He's behaving as if it's just a matter of time before I back down. He's started wearing his wedding ring which angers me beyond belief. He's never worn it so it holds no significance. He comes to see the children. I hate it when he's here. We are happy without him. I am so much more relaxed, not having to question myself/my behaviour/plans etc to avoid a sulk or blow up from him .

There are a few things bothering me that I need to get past. When things are hard at home, which thy can be sometimes with the children, I blame him. (In my head) Like it's his fault I'm in the situation of dealing with them on my own because he couldn't be a decent human being. I get resentful.

Also, he's living with his parents. He's gone from me doubt everything to his mum doing everything. The mountains of stuff that cluttered our house, he is moving to his parents and grand parents. He's not dealing with any of the issues. This isn't my problem. I wouldn't have him back if he was dealing with it all as I think he should, but it infuriates me that he clearly thinks he can do sod all, change nothing, and waltz back in when I "get over it"

He takes the children for a day, to his parents. His mum does all the looking after. He does the playing.

How can I let it go? I am genuinely happy he's gone but am finding the link with him too much atm.

Children in bed. Wish me luck.

Good luck. Hope it’s going / went ok.

WellThisIsShit hit the nail on the head in her post at 17:20h.

He needs to be left with these two children. He needs to get on with it like everyone else does. Unless he is mentally or physically disabled there zero reason he cannot have both dc. And if he needs help he can call on his own support network. Which is his mum. Not you.

Contact needs to be away from you. You need to go back to work and sort childcare arrangements.

Get things in place that meet your requirements. What’s wrong right now is that your relationship has split physically but emotionally it continues. With you waiting for him to 1) have an epiphany and 2) facilitating his many short comings 3) anticipating his reluctance/resistance. It’s what I did. Stop doing that.

Miraculously my ex and I now share contact 50/50 and both of us are happy in settled relationships and cooperate well.

The prize in all this is that if/when he starts parenting the dc you will finally be able to respect him. It was a game changer for the relationship between me and my ex.

Hope it went ok last night. I wish you well OP.

Im angry tonight. Not at posters here. I'm not leaving him, in my house, with the children. He doesn't want it, and therefore I don't want it. The reason he's stbxh is his foul temper, and critical, negative behaviour. (Which apparently he has miraculously cured in a few weeks)So no, I'm not leaving him on his own with them when it's not necessary. If he can't cope with it, and he says he can't, then it's not happening. They are too young to be going out elsewhere after he finishes work. Toddler doesn't nap, baby rarely naps so they are shattered by 6.30 and I don't want the fallout of overtired cranky children just because he's had them so ewhere else and made them late for bed. I will though stop the regular visits here. It's HIS fault he's not living here anymore. So I won't make him not seeing them daily, my problem.

I told him I wasn't interested in any sort of future with him. He was here for over 2 hours . I didn't budge, waver, or say anything remotely ambiguous, yet he still thinks there's a chance.

I'll be back at work neXT month, and once I know my finances I'll start making a move towards divorce. Atm I have no idea if I could afford to stay in this house so work and money has to come first .

He text me again today wanting to speak again tonight . I said no.

That’s more like it OP. No is a complete sentence and not an opener for further discussion or negotiation, it sounds like you’re going to be perfecting the broken record technique in the coming months.

Detach, detach, detach. The more you do it the easier it gets, especially when Mr Pathetic makes way for Mr Nasty.

Thank you. He added to my anger by trying to talk again once the children were in bed Tuesday. I told him no. He carried on. He doesn't understand why I'm so angry. He said he's I'm ok when I want something. Like what I asked? Like when I went out for 4 hours one evening (1st time in at least 3 years) and he "babysat" the youngest child. I completely lost my rag at that stage.

He isn’t listening to you - so stop talking to him. He doesn’t want to hear what you are saying. He has only one objective which is to get back to business as usual - get back into the home and continue to behave as he pleases.

He is not accepting your WORDS and you have no responsibility (and no hope actually) to repeat, repeat, repeat, and explain, explain, explain, so that he gets the message or is comforted. It will frustrate and consume you. Cut all communication with him around the relationship - you have nothing left to say - his issue if he can’t acceot or understand - only communicate on arrangements for the divorce/separation/children etc.

We all only have a limited pot of emotional energy - don’t piss yours away getting angry with him (you have already been drained and wasted enough time and energy) - conserve it for yourself and your children - so that you can spend positive energy on bright, happy times with them.

Thank you another. I have said no to talking bit I can't stop him when he's here. It's what he does. He did it when we were together. I've spent over 2 hours not saying a word back to him and he still went on and eventually I crack. I told him Monday that it's bullying and i no longer have to put up with it.

It's like he just wants to make sure he can still get to you and doesn't care how. Even annoying you and having you repeatedly ask him to leave you alone etc gives him the attention he seems to need. He hasn't changed or he would be listening and taking on board your requests. He's just changed the way in which he's abusing you.

You have to cut down the home visits - minimal contact.

I'm struggling with saying no to it atm. As it's the only way he will see the children in the week really. He has them sure days and brings them home, and stays for bedtime. Sessions dc1 weds at pil house for a couple of hours between work and bedtime. So one other home visit per week is reasonable do you think?

Sounds like you need to start the divorce. It’ll accelerate this tedious stage where they try to wear you down with constant talks.

In the short term, could you invite a friend over on the evenings he is at yours? Let him be responsible for caring for the children and you only step in if absolutely essential.
This may change the dynamics a bit, and send a clear message that he's only there to see the children, not to interact with you and continue 'talks'. It'll also be an opportunity for him to learn to cope with both children, as other parents do!
Once this has happened a couple of times, why not suggest that his mother comes over too to help him, and you go out for the evening. Go to the gym, or sit in a cafe or a bar or meet a friend etc etc.
They're only small ways of disengaging from him, but at least it's tiny steps in the right direction.
Ultimately, he's going to have to learn how to cope with both children on his own. From his pov, he probably won't want to learn, as it's a good ploy to maintain the status quo and keep you were he wants you.
In the longer term, if he wants to see the children in the week, could he organise his work hours so he picks them up earlier from childcare, and spends an hour or two with them at his mother's home and return them to you fed, in time for their bedtime?
Oh, and next time he talks of 'babysitting' his own children, go ape shit at him please to remind him that looking after your his children is called 'parenting' not 'babysitting'. He'll be asking for a fiver an hour and a cab home soon

I don't know why you stay in range for him to talk at you. Leave him alone with the dc.

I've posted why I'm not leaving him with the children. Whether other posters think that's right or not, I'm not. I'm still living in "our" house. He's still the joint owner. He's still paying towards it. He didn't have to moverify out and could move back in today if he chose to . So yes there is some element of me trying to keep the peace. I can't make any moves until I know how I stand financially once back at work (soon).

This doesn't stop it being any less frustrating.

Your suggestions are good godowneasy. He's only just stopped talking about spending time with "us" rather than just seeing the children. This weekend has been a bit of a turning point I hope as it is dc2 1st birthday today. I (and my family) celebrated yesterday. Stbxh has taken them today. He wanted to come here for presents etc but I said I wasn't doing anything here and he could do what he wanted today with his parents. I don't know if this sounds harsh or not but this is a man who has otherwise ignored all Christmas, birthdays, mothers days, my 40th last year.

Of course there is still a big element of awkwardness. In how to behave with each other.

Well done on taking a stand about the birthday. He (and his family) should be a bit clearer that you not a couple celebrating a birthday.

If you have concerns about leaving him with the children you need to get advice on safeguarding and supervised access ASAP. This is a significant responsibility that YOU have to take on board - this issue around their safety will not evaporate as they grow - more likely escalate. They are also not totally safe with you in the house.

"I can't make any moves until I know how I stand financially once back at work (soon)."

Can you not do the sums now?

Are you planning to buy him out?

Is he threatening to move back in?

Have you had legal and financial advice?

He'll never learn to cope with them if you keep rewarding his behaviour with access to you. He's not really interested in the dc, just in trying to wear you down.

Thank you another20 I didn't find it easy. It doesn't come naturally to me. I feel like I deprived him (husband) of celebrating the baby's birthday.

I've found today harder than I thought I would. Handed children over this morning then became very tearful. The birthday is today (we celebrated yesterday) . I don't think not having them on baby's birthday was the issue, just a great sadness at being in my lovely house alone when it could have been, should have been a great family day. It was never going to work out, regardless of how long I stuck it out and I guess I'm still mourning what I've "lost". I feel stupidown for wasting my best years like this but then am so torn as it's resulted in my gorgeous boys.