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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married, but lusting after my male bestie

65 replies

raginghorn · 02/02/2018 16:09

I'm married, 43, 2 DCs, love my DH, happy.
I've got a male friend who's 20+ years older than me. We've got a lot in common, soulmates in some respects, and I've got a burning hot crush on him. I had it when we first met over 15 years ago, then life happened, crush faded, and we laid foundations of a really good friendship for a while, then he had some MH issues and pushed me away - he thought he'd lost me and there was no contact for a few years. I met DH, moved away, got married, had DCs, still thought of him as a dear friend but wasn't sure we could ever have a good friendship again. Years went by.

I had some marital problems fairly recently, at which point my friend and I had been in touch off and on for a couple of years. Friend became a v special confidant and MH buddy. Endless moral support and lots of love shared in online messages.

Within the last couple of months, I've got my burning crush back, with bells on. I'm going to be visiting the town where he lives, probably staying at his place for a couple of days while we work on a music project. I'm finding myself fantasising about kissing/shagging him, and it's vaguely troubling me due to, ya know, being MARRIEDBlush.....

I'll probably get flamed on here, I am wise enough to chuckle about it, but biology is whipping my ass and I'm madly besotted!

Bloody hell.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 02/02/2018 16:14

Is it any use to say this is the billionth time in the history of men and women that this self same cliche has arisen and your situation is textbook and will 99.9% have textbook.ending? Will this help keep crush in head and not descending to knickers?

AwayAndStuffYourself · 02/02/2018 16:17

Run as fast as you can, or else you run the very real risk of losing everything and everyone you say you hold dear. You are playing with a fire that could destroy many lives. Don't, for everybody's sake.

YorkshireLurker · 02/02/2018 16:17

Actually, admitting it now and dealing with it is better than waiting until you're sitting on his sofa with a bottle of wine!

Have a long hard think about what it is you want, and depending on if your marriage is worth fighting for, definitely book yourself into a hotel and stay firm. Also set some boundaries or cut this friend off - however tough that may be.

Best of luck and I hope things work out for you!

nellly · 02/02/2018 16:20

agree with pp book a hotel, don't put yourself in a position where you end up doing something you'll regret!!

surlycurly · 02/02/2018 16:20

Unless you want to walk away from your marriage, stay away from him. This is an utterly dangerous situation and even if your marriage is over, you should call it quits first before contemplating adding other people to the mix.

loveyoutothemoon · 02/02/2018 17:30

Sort your marital problems out. What problems are you having?

BackInTheRoom · 02/02/2018 19:30

'Soulmate'! Utter shit! This utter bs gets mentioned on every thread! Ha ha! If he was all that, you'd have married him! You didn't and it's because you two (loves young dream) can't be together, you WANT and NEED to be together.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 19:31

Yawn

BackInTheRoom · 02/02/2018 19:35

Honestly this guy is taking the piss! Yeah he's so sweet and he's your soulmate but he's gonna fuck with your marriage! Let me guess, you're his soulmate too? If he loved you, he'd let you get on with your life. Simple really.

Original poster
raginghorn · 03/02/2018 00:53

I think I was posting as a kind of 'blurt'. I think claims of Limerence are definitely OTT. The man is a very beloved friend of mine, and he is not stringing me along or stopping me from living my life. It's not always so helpful to post stuff on MN - my situation is so much more complex than I could ever encapsulate in a post.

Thank, everyone, though, for offering opinions and viewpoints - interesting.

OP posts:
BadHatter · 03/02/2018 01:05

Can’t wait for your next update post

“Stayed with a good friend, cheated on DH”

Jellyheadbang · 03/02/2018 02:13

If you value your marriage and respect your husband you must not go on this trip. How would you feel if your husband had an intense sexual crush on a woman and had engineered a two night sleepover with her to collaborate on music project?
You’re playing with fire. If you’re not happy with your husband then leave him and you can then fuck whoever you want with no guilt and your ex husband will be free to do the same.

MayCatt · 03/02/2018 06:57

my situation is so much more complex than I could ever encapsulate in a post.

Really? Because it sounds perfectly straightforward.

You fancy a man. You now want the ego boost of an affair.

Throw around words like soulmate whilst you work on your music project together all you want but it's just smoke and mirrors. If that was the case you would have dated and married him 15 years ago. You didn't.

Your DH and DC deserve better. Give your head a wobble before you hurt everyone that matters. Cancel the trip.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2018 08:41

It's never "complex". It's boringly simplistic.

Dozer · 03/02/2018 08:45

If you want to have intense emotional relationships with other “beloved” men, end your marriage.

Your H may well end your marriage should he find out about your current emotional affair, eg the messages and emails and that you have discussed your marital relationship with OM.

Cricrichan · 03/02/2018 08:55

If he was your soulmate you would have ended up married to him and not left each other and met your DH.

Have you fancied him more than he you? If that's the case, and you're having some relationship problems, you may be defaulting and trying to win him.

Regardless, whether or not you were married, I'd keep him as just friends. It sounds like he's complicated and you're making up excuses as to why it is complicated when it really isn't. You were both available when you first met, had a relationship and it didn't work out. Went NC and then back again. I think it's the complicatedness that's making this seem more than it is.

Offred · 03/02/2018 09:09

🙄 literally everyone believes their affair situation is really complex.

It never is.

There is no such thing as soulmates.

He is a good friend you have crossed boundaries with.

It really is very simple, choose to either keep on this ‘star crossed lovers’ path and ruin your marriage, or put the brakes on and work on the problems in your marriage, or leave your marriage and either explore or don’t this relationship.

Simple.

anxiousnow · 03/02/2018 09:15

Does your DH know about your male friend? Have you had any sexual or romantic or if things were different type of conversations with your friend?

blackberryfairy · 03/02/2018 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

princesssparkle1 · 03/02/2018 09:19

my situation is so much more complex than I could ever encapsulate in a post.

So is everyone's

OldBook · 03/02/2018 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doublevodka · 03/02/2018 09:38

The OP is here asking for advice. Why do people feel the need to give hostile responses, insinuate they are bored by her post or point out she uses words that are embarrassing?

We're all adults here but sometimes when I read responses on MN I feel like I am back at high school.

teddycat · 03/02/2018 09:46

You have recognised how you feel which is good, but if you don't want it to happen you must stay away.
What I don't understand when people give such flippant responses is that it's like they think it's a simple practical choice, it's not. You are filled with emotions and thoughts and your whole being wants that to happen, it's very hard to resist - good luck but you need to understand what you really want and the outcome, if it's not this then stay away as will be hard to resist.
It's life, you are human, you are not a bad person.

serialcheat · 03/02/2018 10:18

Go for it....

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