Married, but lusting after my male bestie

[raginghorn]

I'm married, 43, 2 DCs, love my DH, happy.
I've got a male friend who's 20+ years older than me. We've got a lot in common, soulmates in some respects, and I've got a burning hot crush on him. I had it when we first met over 15 years ago, then life happened, crush faded, and we laid foundations of a really good friendship for a while, then he had some MH issues and pushed me away - he thought he'd lost me and there was no contact for a few years. I met DH, moved away, got married, had DCs, still thought of him as a dear friend but wasn't sure we could ever have a good friendship again. Years went by.

I had some marital problems fairly recently, at which point my friend and I had been in touch off and on for a couple of years. Friend became a v special confidant and MH buddy. Endless moral support and lots of love shared in online messages.

Within the last couple of months, I've got my burning crush back, with bells on. I'm going to be visiting the town where he lives, probably staying at his place for a couple of days while we work on a music project. I'm finding myself fantasising about kissing/shagging him, and it's vaguely troubling me due to, ya know, being MARRIED.....

I'll probably get flamed on here, I am wise enough to chuckle about it, but biology is whipping my ass and I'm madly besotted!

Bloody hell.

Bit ageist.

Awful username.

There's literally nothing complicated about this situation.

You're married and have an agreement to be monogamous.

You're infatuated and fantasising about this man.

You're putting yourself in a position where it will be very easy to have sex with him.

Which part of that is complicated?

What you really mean is that you want to have your cake and eat it, emotionally speaking. You want to stay married and have this infatuation and possibly sex too and you don't want to put distance between you and this man because you enjoy your relationship with him. Well, it's your life, but it's time to make your choices, because soon it's going to be "my husband knows I fucked my friend and he's filing for divorce and my children are devastated and my friend isn't returning my calls" and then things are REALLY going to be complicated. Unless you put some distance between yourself and your friend your marriage is facing a major threat. Be a grown-up and realise that what happens next is in your hands and that what you feel for your friend is mostly hormones and idealisation. It isn't about your friend, he isn't so amazing and he isn't right for you. It's about whatever else in your life you don't want to think about right now.

Serious question: what did you think/hope people would say when you posted this thread?

I also posted yesterday that I'm massively horny, maybe peri menopausal. Haven't had sex in ages. So that is driving a lot of this predicament, definitely.

Thank you for some of these responses. I do feel strong enough to resist, I have an infatuated crush and I think I'll just be experiencing a load of hot sexual tension while with my friend. I don't really intend to act on my feelings when I see him. Once I've had some hot sex with DH, I'll feel a lot different. My hormones are going haywire.

I feel sorry for your husband

'work on a music project' - never heard it called that before!

Well, go and arrange some hot sex with your husband now then. Why haven't the two of you been having sex?

I don't really intend to act on my feelings when I see him.

You'd better keep yourself stone cold sober then. And avoid sharing the sofa. Or late night confessionals. Or, you know, you could just stay in a hotel and hugely reduce the chances of fucking up multiple lives.

You absolutely can't stay with this man unless you intend to shag him and risk your marriage.

If you would be happy for your DH to be lusting after someone else and having an affair, go stay with your friend and knock yourself out. If not split with your DH first, poor bloke.

Haven't had sex in ages. So that is driving a lot of this predicament, definitely

What are you doing to address this? Because, I think this fantasy is being driven by your high sex drive, and lack of action at home. Try to get your sex life back on track. If you are satisfied, I'm sure you'll think less about the OM.

Well firstly do not visit him. Secondly back off from him and thirdly stop putting him on a pedistal.

Husband and I have been really ill over the last month, exhausted with a virus, I've been surviving it by having early nights while he stayed up, toddler and/or 9yo around most of the time. And DH works nights. So, no sexy action. To address this, now that DH is better, we'll be getting some good action tonight.
I'm not going to break contact with my friend, and it really is a music project.

run as fast as you can, or else you run the very real risk of losing everything and everyone you say you hold dear. You are playing with a fire that could destroy many lives. Don't, for everybody's sake. yes!

Reading back through my OP, all I was trying to say was that I've got a hot crush and it's quite overwhelming at the moment! Imagining/wishing for sex with him doesn't actually mean I'm going to go ahead and fuck him, and wreck my marriage! I know that this could be a dangerous situation, and that it would be if I acted on this infatuation - but he is many things to me, and top of the list is FRIEND. And yes, as a friend he is 'beloved', because I love him very much AS A FRIEND. I don't want to throw that away. I don't love him more than I love my DH, and it's not the same kind of love. I don't fancy him more than I fancy my DH, and I don't want to have sex with him in a very realistic sense at all. Are there no married women who fantasise about other men, including male friends of theirs?!

I was just expressing my thoughts in a post. I've been all over my husband today, now he's off his night shifts, and once our DC are in bed we'll be getting down to it.

We've got a lot in common, soulmates in some respects, and I've got a burning hot crush on him

I had some marital problems fairly recently

lots of love shared in online messages

Within the last couple of months, I've got my burning crush back, with bells on

I'm going to be visiting the town where he lives, probably staying at his place

I'm finding myself fantasising about kissing/shagging him

I'm madly besotted

^^ These are all YOUR words. And now you are minimising. If you stay at this man's house, there is not a cat in hells chance that you will be faithful to your DH. At least be honest about that. You have a strong crush, alcohol may be involved.....what could possibly go wrong??

You are deluded IMO.

Exactly the kind of delusion people have when in an affair.

It’s all so terribly complicated, it’s normal to have crushes, it’s cos you and your OH aren’t having much sex... all those things might explain your feelings but they don’t justify your behaviour.

You absolutely should not be going to stay at his for a weekend.

You will cross the line no matter your intentions and then you will feel like shit and be back on here saying ‘it just happened’

No judgement but your post makes me think that you are enjoying this.

You already know what most of us will say but I'll bite.

Divorce is painful, expensive and cruel to all involved including children.

He's 20 years older than you so mid sixties, all wrinkled and probably struggling with keeping it up all night.

Keep you legs shut and open your eyes. Nowt like an old fool is there?

You obviously think there's an issue otherwise you wouldn't have posted.
I'm not going to cut contact if you're going to make your marriage work then I think you should.

Why did you post? You're obviously not giving a shit about what posters are saying!

I've been with my husband for 27 years. On my birthday, his totally uncharacteristic behaviour told me to look at his phone. He was having an affair with a colleague...21 years his junior. They had met up and sent the most filthy pornographic sexts to each other; even whilst she was on her honeymoon in New Zealand for a month. I'm 49, but still very beautiful...I always have been, ( flame me and put me down further if you wish). I'm a kind and caring person too; I'm also very shy. I've had breast cancer and a mastectomy. He and slag wrote a lot of their pornographic sexts about her breasts. At her age, my breasts were feeding my husband's baby.
So, is it all harmless and justified fun? For me and my children, no. We are living with the devastation and heartache caused by their behaviour. The discovery of their affair was worse than being told that I had breast cancer and would need a mastectomy.
I hope that helps you to reach a decision.

Everyone on MN knows this doesn't happen. Friends are just friends. . Either don't see him again or have a wild fling.

You KNOW if you see your "friend" you will fuck him. So don't see him. This music project, hobby or work? If hobby - just drop it, if work find someone else to collaborate with. You're actually already cheating on your dh as a pp pointed out because you're having conversations with him that you SHOULDN'T be.

Stop minimising and excusing, own your shit and deal with it. Cut this "friend" off.