Married, but lusting after my male bestie

[raginghorn]

I'm married, 43, 2 DCs, love my DH, happy.
I've got a male friend who's 20+ years older than me. We've got a lot in common, soulmates in some respects, and I've got a burning hot crush on him. I had it when we first met over 15 years ago, then life happened, crush faded, and we laid foundations of a really good friendship for a while, then he had some MH issues and pushed me away - he thought he'd lost me and there was no contact for a few years. I met DH, moved away, got married, had DCs, still thought of him as a dear friend but wasn't sure we could ever have a good friendship again. Years went by.

I had some marital problems fairly recently, at which point my friend and I had been in touch off and on for a couple of years. Friend became a v special confidant and MH buddy. Endless moral support and lots of love shared in online messages.

Within the last couple of months, I've got my burning crush back, with bells on. I'm going to be visiting the town where he lives, probably staying at his place for a couple of days while we work on a music project. I'm finding myself fantasising about kissing/shagging him, and it's vaguely troubling me due to, ya know, being MARRIED.....

I'll probably get flamed on here, I am wise enough to chuckle about it, but biology is whipping my ass and I'm madly besotted!

Bloody hell.

Ok, so we are all human. We get crushes - sometimes absolutely raging ones. They feel utterly all consuming at the time. If you don't really want to fall off the edge of this particular cliff, (and that's a decision only you can take) the only way forward is to go absolutely NOWHERE near the edge. Don't even try to test your will power - it's non existent right now and probably will be for some time. Tell your friend you won't be able to see him for a while and cut contact completely. You don't need to explain. Don't see or speak to him at all for at least a year. Otherwise all you are doing is adding fuel to the fire, which will mean it takes longer to go out. Good luck OP. It ain't easy. But if you are like me, a couple of years from now you will look back and wonder what the hell you were ever thinking, and be grateful you stayed away.

I hope friend doesn't read MN. You have told him an awful lot of information.

Thanks BlackberryFairy. They just don't care about the long term damage that they do, it's all about instant gratification here and now, who cares who gets hurt .

Frances words are not enough to convey my complete sympathy to you. I'm so sorry you were treated like this.

@FrancesDestroyed

I'm living in a bomb crater (metaphorically). My STBXH (20 years), discarded me one afternoon out of the blue for a newlywed too. One day I hope I don't feel the need to tell my story anymore. I think I tell it because I still can't quite believe it? DYKWIM?

It's just unbelievable isn't it. Heartbroken for you Bibbidee

@FrancesDestroyed

I'm not a person that cries but 17 months on I cried a lot today grieving my marriage and my DC predicament. My ex shows no remorse whatsoever and will not speak to me so this is more hurt and suffering on top of betrayal. I could go on but suffice to say my experience has been life altering. I'm not the same and I don't look at life the same. I'm damaged.

Yes, we are damaged . My H is currently trying hard to be sorry....very much on his own terms. I gave him the broken vase analogy; even though you spend a lot if time glueing what you smashed back together, and even though it holds both water and flowers, it will always be broken, the scars will always be there.

Bibbidee and Frances I just wanted to come on to say, that you can feel whole again. Even if now, it doesn't seem possible.

My first H (of 20 yrs) was unfaithful to me, with about 10 women. Lots of gaslighting and then eventually I found out about all of them at once (someone finally told me everything he had done, and then I had others confirm). He was also on casual sex hook up sites. It absolutely floored me, and like you I was broken/damaged.

I did leave him, and I am now married to a lovely man. He knows I was damaged, and he has loved the bones of me for many years now, and I am now, finally whole again.

That's not to say, that our self worth should be based on whether we are loved by a man, but I can honestly say, that my second husband has helped enormously to make me whole again.

I wish the same for you too.

literally everyone believes their affair situation is really complex.

It never is.

There is no such thing as soulmates.

He is a good friend you have crossed boundaries with.

It really is very simple, choose to either keep on this ‘star crossed lovers’ path and ruin your marriage, or put the brakes on and work on the problems in your marriage, or leave your marriage and either explore or don’t this relationship.

Simple.

This is the best advice you will get on here. We all meet people we fancy during our marriage - but to stay married you make a choice to walk away.

You're at that tipping point now - it's your choice whether to focus on your marriage or have an affair.

I can assure you, you won't be "wisely chuckling" once you've crossed the line.

You will be trying to piece together the utter, utter devastation this has caused. Mostly to your husband and children.

Please don't think you're better than anyone else. You're as likely to succumb to this as anyone. It's not funny or something to be sneered at.

I've never had a crush or fancied anyone else when I've been in a happy relationship. Ever.

Weird and unusual that, obviously.

OP - have you been through the break up of a marriage yourself? Or watched a parent/friend/other loved one go through it?
It's fucking miserable for everyone.

So, OP, you say suggestions of limerance are OTT but you have your other thread where you discuss the limerance thread and say it sums you up to a tee.

On your other thread you say things like this:

"the object of my limerence is someone I had a brief intense fling with ten years ago. I haven’t seen him since."

and

"I'm actually thinking of travelling to the other side of the world just to see him again. I won't meet up with him, just to see him in person after a decade."

Although this fling didn't involve sex, as he wouldn't have sex without a condom (nice guy then) but just "making out".

I think you need some therapy.