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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husband just victim blamed me after attack

59 replies

worried2018 · 01/02/2018 23:30

i dont know where to start so please bear with me.
I have been with my husband for 10 years and was in a very violent relationship before him that has continued to happen and affect me throughout my relationship with my husband.
A few months ago my ex started stalking me again and I knew it was only a matter of time before I found myself hurt again. this is a pattern that has occurred previously.
2 weeks ago it happened I was home alone and ex caught me unaware.
but last night my hubby tried to have sex with me but I said no I didn't want to. he immediately backed off but went huffy and said "why has it affected u so badly this time it's not like it careful"
I feel ashamed and guilty and now feel like I have no right to be upset and in pain cos it's my fault. dh is always telling me to lock the door but I can't live like that. we've moved 10 times cos of my ex and I'm sick off it.
he attacks me, I get him arrested he goes to prison and then he's back out and pissed at me so somehow finds and attacks me again.
I told dh to go fuck himself and made him sleep in the spare room
Is my dh bu or am I at fault. He's apologised today and said he wasn't angry at me but at what had happened to me and he feels useless.
I'm not sure what to do I just want to crawl in my bed and stay there

OP posts:
Mrstobe90 · 02/02/2018 01:20

Your husband shouldn't have said that and you have every right to be mad!

I do agree that you should probably lock your doors though.
Also, try to find out how your ex is locating your whereabouts. Do you have mutual friends that are giving him your location?
Do you have a restraining order against him?

I'm sorry this is happening to you! I really hope you get it sorted xxx

Original poster
worried2018 · 02/02/2018 01:45

hey
I should lock the doors ur absolutely right I fucking hate living like this thou and cos I smoke outside I'm in and out and do forget but I think this is part of the problem that I feel like I didn't do enough. I knew it was coming and I got complacent when it went past the usual time frame.
I don't know how he keeps finding me but this time he msgged my mate and told her I was having an affair with her chap. she not realising asked him loads of questions and when he got them wrong she accidently gave out identifying info about where we live. it's not her fault thou I never told her about him other than my ex was a c**t
I don't have a restraining order against him cos they don't work with him he doesn't care. he is so clever. nobody believed me for a long time until he actually admitted it & some1 overheard him.
I really want to hope that too but he always said he'd never let me go and now he's proving it.
I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't keep surviving him. I'm not the same person I was when I met him and I hate the person I am now.

OP posts:
MeAndMyDog · 02/02/2018 03:17

I wish I could give you a hug. You might find this TedTalk helpful:

TedTalkBreneBrown

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2018 04:27

I'm more concerned that he seems to think it's his right to have sex when you're not feeling it. Sad

StarWarsFanatic · 02/02/2018 04:39

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you are a survivor and you will keep surviving.

Your DH was out of order. It seems likely that he is frustrated that he wasn't there for you and he realises his behaviour was out of order. It doesn't excuse it but it does explain it.

Would you consider going to counselling together? It may make him re-think his behaviour in future.

Newbiecat · 02/02/2018 04:50

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Newbiecat · 02/02/2018 04:51

I hope I’m wrong and that some people more experienced than me in DV can support you if so

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 02/02/2018 04:55

I think your DH must feel dreadful that he is unable to protect you from your ex. Not that that excuses what he said. If it is absolutely a one off then I would just talk it through.

Please don’t accept that you have to put up with being stalked, keep going with the process of restraining orders. It is so wrong that you should live in fear. Have you tried the charities that specifically deal with stalking? Here are a couple; paladinservice.co.uk/
www.stalkinghelpline.org/

I hope they are of help. 💐

mathanxiety · 02/02/2018 05:02

This may sound strange, but it doesn't matter that the restraining order will be ignored by your ex. Restraining orders sometimes have an effect on a violent ex but a lot of the time they don't care at all about them.

The point of a restraining order is that the police will be able to use one against him if you take one out.

Please get one.

I think you and your H need to talk about how this violent man is affecting your relationship. Moving ten times is no way to live. Keeping all doors and windows locked is preposterous. Who exactly is in prison if you live like this?

You need to both go and talk to the police and get that order. Have the police talk to you about what it will allow them to do and what you and H need to do once the order is in place.

www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/web_breach_of_protective_order.pdf
He could potentially be sentenced for a breach and also for any assault that he commits while in breach of the order. (2 separate counts).

You have a rock solid case for getting an order.

Please be assured that the police would far prefer to be equipped with this than deal with the aftermath of an attack on you, crime scene, etc.

mathanxiety · 02/02/2018 05:06

I know the immediate problem that you posted about was the rift between your H and you right now, with the stalking and assault almost as an afterthought.

It's normal when you are faced with a problem that seems to be completely uncontrollable (your ex) to focus on something that is in some ways smaller. I think you and your H would both benefit from feeling that the massive problem with your ex was starting to come under control.

OnTheRise · 02/02/2018 07:39

As has already been said, it doesn't matter if your ex ignores a restraining order. The point about restraining orders is that they give the police more power when people break them. It will help them keep him away from you.

Speak to the police. Get their help. And then think about your relationship with your current partner, who seems to think it's ok to victim-blame you, who seems to think he has a right to sex. He is wrong on both counts.

Amilliondreams · 02/02/2018 07:43

What do you mean when you say your ex turns up and attacks you?

Zebrathree · 02/02/2018 07:53

What do you mean when you said your ex caught you unaware?

Did he txt, phone or call at your door?

I'm a bit confused

DontDIY · 02/02/2018 08:07

Can someone explain what the husband said? The sentence doesn’t make sense to me?

stickytoffeevodka · 02/02/2018 08:12

Are you saying your ex just walked into your home and attacked you?

Not the point of this thread but please, for your own safety, lock the doors. Our door locks automatically when you shut it - it's not a stupid way to live nor does it make me feel imprisoned. Millions of homes up and down the country have doors like that!

WoodenRainbow · 02/02/2018 08:14

No me neither DIY. Does it mean to say she wasn’t careful?

OP you need to ditch your DP, he’s a dick if he doesn’t understand how being attacked makes you feel shit. And it sounds like he’s abusing you if he’s forcing or coercing you to have sex when you don’t want to.

Please pack up your things, move away and leave both bastards behind. You may have to cut a few friends out of your life and quit social media in order to not be found. I’d also recommend you get advice from a women’s refuge on how to protect yourself from being found again.

Gazelda · 02/02/2018 08:16

OP, I can understand how tired you are of living with this. Please do what others have suggested - get the restraining order, lock your doors. Speak to Victim Support about steps they might suggest in getting him locked up once and for all. Tell anyone you know that he might have contact with, don't let him contact you via mutual acquaintances again - put everyone on alert how much he has damaged your life.

BashStreetKid · 02/02/2018 08:32

If you had a restraining order you could get your ex arrested at the point when he begins stalking you so that attacks don't happen. Please see someone about getting one immediately.

ohlittlepea · 02/02/2018 08:44

Jesus Christ. Shes moved ten times. It's the system and this evil man who have failed this woman not her not being able to get a restraining order. Reporting it? Really? This is unfortunately pretty bog standard abuser behaviour which thousands of women in this country are suffering from every week :( Getting him locked up.once and for.all?? This doesnt even happen to men who kill their partners.

Maybe the OP is fed up of constantly getting restraining orders and having them broken. Maybe shes tired of the police letting her down all the time..either way it's not our job to say ah if you simply get this youll be fine...because it isn't true.

OP what kind of suppprt have you had so far? A couple of my friends have found the freedom programme really helpful, but its not for everyone....Have you had mich contact with women's aid or local dv support? Sometimes they can help make the whole restraining order process a bit less of a ball ache.

Sorry that you are suffering. Don't let him win. You probably feel like he already has...but there are so much brighter days to come. and so much to hang around for. Hope things improve for you soon.

Original poster
worried2018 · 02/02/2018 08:51

hey thanks for the replies
I have had restraining orders, non molestation orders and occupational orders in the past to no avail. the time before this he went to prison because he broke the last restraining order. they don't work with him he doesn't care. Sending him to prison only makes him angrier with me.
my door is one that u have to physically lock from the inside it doesn't lock as soon as u shut it so he just opened it. I was hoovering at the time so didn't hear it open.
it wasn't a physical or verbal attack iykwim.
my dh did back off as soon as I said no. I feel like I've misled u the comment he made ("why has it affected u so much this time, it's not like ur careful") i dont believe wasn't an attempt to make me have sex i think he meant that I wasn't careful by locking the front door.
I have already cut off all contact with our mutual friends and only have my mate mentioned and then my best friend who know where I live. my bf is fully aware of what my ex is.
I think the councililing would be a good idea. I've had councililing in the past but my dh never has and I think he might benefit from it and then we can maybe talk about relationship councilling.
dh has never done anything like this before and I know he's hurting I heard him crying last night I just don't know how to help him. I haven't gone into details with him I never do we have a sort of code and depending on my awnser he knows what has happened. maybe he needs these details now??
I don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:
longta · 02/02/2018 08:57

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stickytoffeevodka · 02/02/2018 08:58

I feel really bad for you OP - your ex is horrific and I'm so sorry he's still affecting your life in this way Thanks

I know it won't solve everything but please try and get in the habit of locking your doors. It only takes a second but it gives you that additional element of security. I would also consider a chain for the door so it can't be opened properly until you know who is out there. Similarly, either keep your windows closed or get those locks on that means they can only be opened a couple of inches.

I know none of that solves the underlying problem but it might help you feel a bit safer in your home. The fact that he can just walk in off the street is really chilling - he snuck up on you and could have attacked you or worse.

Do the police know the extent of his behaviour? Is something drastic like moving countries or completely changing your names or something a possibility?

juicygirly · 02/02/2018 09:04

What's the R word?

I don't understand why people are being mean.

Op, please lock your doors and consider getting a dog.

juicygirly · 02/02/2018 09:07

Op, if your ex doesn't hurt you physically or verbally, how does he hurt you?

Does he force sexual acts upon you ?

I can't believe you use code words with your DH about bad stuff that's happening to you. That is so wrong.

longta · 02/02/2018 09:09

juicy some people find certain words triggering, and the OP's last post makes it clear that the attack was sexual.

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