I think my husband just victim blamed me after attack

[worried2018]

i dont know where to start so please bear with me.
I have been with my husband for 10 years and was in a very violent relationship before him that has continued to happen and affect me throughout my relationship with my husband.
A few months ago my ex started stalking me again and I knew it was only a matter of time before I found myself hurt again. this is a pattern that has occurred previously.
2 weeks ago it happened I was home alone and ex caught me unaware.
but last night my hubby tried to have sex with me but I said no I didn't want to. he immediately backed off but went huffy and said "why has it affected u so badly this time it's not like it careful"
I feel ashamed and guilty and now feel like I have no right to be upset and in pain cos it's my fault. dh is always telling me to lock the door but I can't live like that. we've moved 10 times cos of my ex and I'm sick off it.
he attacks me, I get him arrested he goes to prison and then he's back out and pissed at me so somehow finds and attacks me again.
I told dh to go fuck himself and made him sleep in the spare room
Is my dh bu or am I at fault. He's apologised today and said he wasn't angry at me but at what had happened to me and he feels useless.
I'm not sure what to do I just want to crawl in my bed and stay there

Longta I realised later what you meant, and didn't understand the ops last post until I reread it a second time.

So sorry this is happening to you op.

I can't believe you use code words...... that is so wrong

No, what is wrong is making statements like that. Abuse and violence, of any kind, can be exceptionally difficult to talk about and victims are under no obligation whatsoever to talk about it, or provide further details, if they don't want to or don't feel comfortable doing so. If code words are how the OP feels comfortable communicating there is nothing wrong with that at all.

@juicygirly why is it ‘so wrong’? It might be that its easier for the OP to explain without having to say the words.
I’m the same - I say to my husband ‘im struggling with things from the past’ when I’m having a tough day. He knows what it means, I don’t like to say the exact words because then I relive it more.

OP, from what you say I think your DP wasn’t very nice at the time but he must be so frustrated. If the door was just locked you would have been fine. It must be awful for him to watch you suffer when such a simple thing would keep you safe.

I’m not victim blaming either before anyone suggests it. It’s all really horrible and no one should go through anything like this. If you’re asking if people think your DP is a jerk then i’ll say no based on your last update.

Can I just clarify that you’re saying that your ex snuck in and raped you, then later on when your husband tried it on with you, he blamed you for by saying why are you even upset you weren’t careful (in relation to locking the door). And you have a code word to discuss what happened so I’m guessing this has happened before?

If I’ve misunderstood then im sorry but if I haven’t could you call the police now and report the attack? He could kill you.

sorry ohlittlepea I missed ur post.
The support I've had has been the freedom program (twice), general councilling and cbt. Also I did have help from a refuge when I got the courage to leave him for good.
ur right I am fed up of telling people wot has happened, getting an order only for it to be broken sometimes within days of a new order. Eg last september I was told he was out and I applied for an occupation order (mean he couldn't come to my town), an amendment was made that he also couldn't contact me in anyway, (I think this may have been a separate thing as I couldn't go in to court as he was there) but on the 17th October he started messaging me on messenger. He was arrested, bailed and then charged just before Xmas he's pleading NG so are awaiting trial. 2 days after he was charged he was in my house.
yes he then gets done and I get some time respite but it all falls down again eventually. and I don't want to go to court again I'm sick of it

longta yes I do have a problem with that word I can't say it write it I don't want to think about it. I lost 3 of my children because of this man to social services and countless more I lost before they were born because of this man.

juicygirly he has hurt me physically and verbally before but it was sexually this time.

I use a code convosation with my dh cos I can't verbalize what has happened. he'll ask if ex has hurt me and depending on what i respond with he knows the bare bones so he knows what type of help to get me immediately. Apart from ensuring I get the help I need it helps me to focus and think about something other than wot has just happened because if I try to 'use my word's I fly into a panic. we started this business because the first time after it happened after we got together he asked me what happened and I tried to tell him but I panicked, flew into flashbacks and to my shame I attacked him. I didn't see my partner who made me feel safe and my hero I just saw a big man who was touching me (albeit dh was only holding my hand). I begged him never to ask me again and after a while he agreed but said he needed a way to know whether I needed to go to the hospital that minute or whether it could wait a few hours til I was calmer.

I do now have security locks (a chain), I have an alarm thing that I just have to pull a cord on. And we do have a dog but he was in the vet hospital recovering from an accident. had he been here it probably would have been me up on charges and my dog being put down.
We are also apparently getting a pvc door that locks as soon as u lift the handle so can be opened from inside but not outside.

we've spoken about moving to dh hometown as that would give me additional protection but I don't want to leave where we are, I dont want to move again.

I can't believe you use code words with your DH about bad stuff that's happening to you. That is so wrong.

It's not wrong. The op needs to do what she needs to do to express herself in whatever why she can. Please don't undermine that.

Just want to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I totally understand not wanting to speak about it in certain ways. It gives you some distance from events. Do whatever helps you cope.

What your DH said was awful. If this is the first and only time he's spoken like this, and is remorseful (and he is obviously sympathetic, crying, etc.) then perhaps he can prove himself to you. I really can't imagine how I would feel (except angry and generally awful) if my DP spoke like that...but if he has been a kind and compassionate and thoughtful man for the last 10 years, then it's weighted a bit differently I guess. If he hasn't been, then it's all very different!

The home security measures you're taking sound sensible. I always lock all the doors (they don't lock automatically, have to use a key), and don't open windows (even in summer) if I am home alone, because I am paranoid about break ins. It's not ideal, but it is preferable to the anxiety I would feel knowing there was an increased risk (by having anything open).

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, I hope they're home now and well. :(

OP from your last update it definitely sounds like your dh said what he did out of frustration. A pp is right, locking the door would have (on this occasion) likely prevented it. Defo not blaming you but trying to rationalise your DH thoughts.

Aswell as the new door/lock type, would you also consider fitting on of those latch key locks (sorry not sure what they’re called properly), you don’t need to lift the handle or anything you just push the door closed and it locks. I think its with a yale type key.

From your post your dh sounds supportive in other ways.
You say you don’t want to move again, which is understandable but if there’s a possibility this could be the last move you need to do, would it not be worth it?
Is dh hometown far away? Would you have a job to leave etc or is it just that you dont want to move.

From your posts it sounds like you’ve sacrificed a lot (cutting friends out etc) but so far there’s been no benefit as he still finds you. If you don’t have much to leave behind where you are, and this move could finally end it then for your sake consider it.

Ok. I shouldn't have put it like that op, I apologise. It's wrong what's happening to you , that's what's wrong . I just am shocked and horrified that this man is getting away with hurting you consistently. Sending love and strength your way and hope it all ends for you soon. I do agree that this man is a threat to your life. Please be very careful and log with police what happened even though it will be very tough for you xx

sorry it's taking me so long to reply I'm missing posts I've been have problems thinking.

bitchpeas no u are correct. I have phoned the police and soco took my clothes and some other stuff took photos extra but I'm not ready to make a statment. the officer was really good about it didn't push me but did say that the clothes etc needed to be done so that when I'm ready it won't cause problems.
Hes almost killed me in the past so I'm very aware of what he could do. there's alot that has happened and he has done but I'm not comfortable posting it here. even though nobody now's who I am I think people will judge me badly cos of what I've let go on.

iwasjustabouttosay I used the wrong word I didn't mean to I know dh doesn't blame me and ur both right if I'd locked the stupid door I'd have been safe. this is all my fault I've done this to dh I'm such a shit wife I know I am. I've begged him to leave me, ive left, ive even caused a fuss about stupid stuff and kicked him out so he doesn't have to deal with it but the stupid bugger won't do it. says he loves me too much to leave me on my own. i dont think hes a bad person i think he was a jerk in that moment but it was completely ooc. He's come into our bedroom this morning and snuggled upto me telling me how sorry he is and he won't let ex win. I don't know what I was thinking last night. i felt so angry but then I thought maybe he's right

He was absolutely not right. And he was a jerk. Please don't think that because people are trying to understand why he said it (his motivation, etc.), that they mean it was an okay thing to say. They're different things. None of this is your fault. None of it is your behaviour. All of it is ex's behaviour. Be kind to yourself.

Nothing you've said suggests you're a shit wife, whatsoever. You sound like you're doing a pretty good job of staying together (I mean psychologically) under the most difficult circumstances. Your husband should be apologetic, and sounds like he is (good).

this is all my fault I've done this to dh I'm such a shit wife I know I am.

None of this is your fault OP, its your scumbag ex and the system has failed you completely.
I’m just glad that you have a supportive husband.
It’s sometimes easier to take these types of things out on the person you love and who is there for you (I don’t mean just you I mean your DH doing it too.)

It’s not your fault! It’s your ex’s fault. I really don’t want you to think I was suggesting it’s your fault. I’m just trying to help figure out what your DP was thinking when he reacted like that. And I’m sure he doesn’t blame you either. He obviously thinks you’re a pretty great partner because he’s sticking by you through it all.

Firstly, none of this is your fault. Why this man is still at large or at the very least manages to become so on a seemingly regular basis given what he has done and is capable of is beyond me.

Secondly, while in isolation such a comment from your DH could be seen as awful and unforgivable, the reality is that everyone has their breaking point, and even as your advocate and supporter he has lived this past ten years with you, moving countless times, knowing what you’ve been through and knowing that there is seemingly no end, and there comes a point where everyone reaches a point where frustration takes over, even if that’s just for a split second. And you are both human. He likely wants this to stop just as much as you do, and it sounds as if he said what he said out of frustration rather than because he holds you responsible.

It sounds as if you have both reached a point on your respective journey through this where you just don’t feel you can face any more. You because you’ve moved countless times and don’t want to any more because you feel it does no good, and him because every time you settle into a place where things look to be on the up something happens to bring it all crashing down again, and in his head if only the door had been locked the bastard wouldn’t have got in. And it may even be that his sub conscious is thinking that if only the door had been locked but it’s verbalised in you should lock the door.

I don’t know about what the protocols are for dealing with violent scum like your ex. Do you have a liaison officer? Now that he’s attacked you physically can you press charges in that regard and ensure that evidence is presented so he goes to prison for much longer this time? If the police really aren’t being helpful would it be worth talking to someone in the media to highlight what victims of domestic violence are still going through due to the inadequacies in the legal system? After all, keeping your head down and keeping out of sight hasn’t kept him away, going public surely can’t do any more harm than has already been done?

Personally if I were your dh I’d want to hire a couple of heavies to see the man off the planet. Obviously though that’s just a pipe dream .

Sorry this has happened to you. But I'm amazed that your new partner doesn't go off and beat your ex up! Another man has come into your home and attacked you and it's YOUR fault?!
For starters, get yourself a self locking door (yes they do exist), keep a key on you at all times, or use a key safe.
Then there is no chance of anyone walking in without a key!
Your husband should be doing everything he can to keep you safe.

I really think that some counselling for you, and also your partner on his own, would be really helpful for you both. These are huge things to go through on an emotional level and you deserve all the support you can get, when you are ready.

chaosneverrains and poisionoussmurf this has bee a point of contention for the whole of our relationship. You hit the nail on the head this man came into his home and again hurt his wife. Dh wants so desperately to get his hands on ex and phone calls have been made, plans have been discussed and things have been bought because we both know this will only end in 1 way BUT I have refused to give the nessaccary info to dh as I don't want him to go down for that man it wouldn't be assault etc it would be murder (maybe manslaughter). There's something different this time though I am sorely tempted to give the info over but I don't know if I could live with myself if dh is done.

given the constant attacks on you by this person, perhaps making a police statement this time will see him get sent to prison for a very long time?

The justice system in the UK stinks. If men were being stalked by violent women, they'd soon sort out laws to protect the men. But for too long, it's been seen as 'domestic' and it ends up with the poor woman being hurt or worse.

Your ex needs to meet a few heavies for a nice cup of tea...

Another thought, did the police not fit a 'panic button' in your home?

Well, it’s absolutely understandable that any partner would want to go and teach the bastard what violence really means in the circumstances. Personally I’m not one for an eye for an eye but I can absolutely see why people go to those lengths, really I can.

Now again I don’t know the ins and outs of the system where this kind of thing is concerned, but is there anyone you can talk to with regards to the fact that after ten years and no justice, and where things are escalating every time you have reached a point of wanting things to stop and are concerned that there will come a point where harm is going to come to this individual from an outside source because of the frustration those around you are feeling about the situation?

That all you want is for this all to stop and for you to be allowed a normal life? Where all those around you want for you is for this to stop and because the system is not protecting you there will come a time when he will find you and won’t get away unscathed.....

At this point I would be investing in anything I could in the name of self defence. There are classes you can take, measures you can go to all of which are perfectly legal, if you haven’t already I’d be doing some research in that regard....

I did have a panic alarm (actually 2. 1 in the bedroom and 1 downstairs) for 3 months but they removed it because a) i wasnt able to reach it until after hed gone. b) he was sent to prison and c) i was never going to be able to have it long term anyway.

Heebie I have made a statement every single time since I left him with the exception of this time and 1 previous time. The previous time I refused to make a statement cos of the way I was treated by the officer who first turned up on that occasion. He didn't believe me and actually asked me if we had had a lovers spat or wether he had actually assaulted me. He was dealt with but it didn't make me feel great and it was before I got with dh so had no support at that time. The longest he's gone to prison regarding me is 2.5 years. He would of gone to prison for a lot longer than that if I had reported some of the things he did whilst I was with him because they were in 1 of the highest categories. at this point thou I can't prove it evidentially.

dh and I have had a heart 2 heart 2day I've told him that I will not let him put his hands on me again and I will be making a statement on Monday. But this time I'm going to stand up in court and have my say he can threaten me and intimidate me all he likes maybe then his mask will drop in public and he will get longer.
I've never tried self defence as after the grooming he did I've never been in a stable mind to fight him effectively once I see him or hear his voice but I've had enough it's time to put my big girl pants on and stop letting him prey on me. Dh has said something to me today that i never thought about before. That even though i never wanted him to hurt me and my brains response to him is perfectly natural it means he still has control over me and is what allows him to keep hurting me again and again. so I am going to learn self defence as dh thinks it'll help not only to protect myself but to stop my brain from leaving me virtually defenceless.

Hi there, I have been affected be similar issues and the damage that they leave

I have found personally a great deal of comfort in the knowledge & understanding of how our brains process issues such as you have alluded to. In the belief in my heart and soul, that my mind and body is doing exactly what it should be, that is to protect itself.

I have found 'Zoe Lodricks' articles very helpful. Perhaps it may be of some benefit to you & your husband.

www.zoelodrick.co.uk/
www.zoelodrick.co.uk/training/guilt-article
www.zoelodrick.co.uk/training/article-1

The information in the article differentiating between left & right hand side of the brain and how trauma affects our ability to communicate verbally versus non-verbally is a big puzzle piece for with regards to 'disclosure'

Sending a hand to hold xxx

Bobits thank u very much the flop is something I have experienced everytime since about a year into my previous relationship.