There's no excuse for this - is there?

[Rosered22]

I'm in shock... yesterday morning my dh went to walk to the dog in the morning. I heard a rustling noise from the bedside cabinet which I though was weird. Then upon his return - I found a condom lying in his walking clothes..unused. But this is not good! We have two DC aged 6 and 9 and our whole life is tied up together- been together 20 years. There was an incident two years ago - major alarm bells I know - where I found he had Grindr on his phone but he said he was just bored and feeling low etc and had only message a few people (men!). He was mortified and went to the Gp for depression etc. Things seemed to be back on track... I haven't confronted him yet as I need to get my head around things. He knows I'm acting weird and he also knows I saw the condom as I told him to pick it up.... I just need support people. I'm a shaky mess and haven't told anyone IRL.

I'd be worried that he was gay or bi sexual. How did you 'bury' that fact?
Have you wondered if he was gay or bi but not 'seen' it.

I'd go on grindr and see if you can find him. Sorry but I think you might get the truth that way.

Are there any more condoms lying around? You can't just buy one, can you?

Was it a used condom? It does sound bloody suspicious though doesn’t it, going for a walk, probably somewhere secluded, maybe a prime hook up place. I would be assuming he is meeting men for sex.

Do you use condoms?

To be honest, I thought Grindr was a male website (happy te be told otherwise, I've never checked). From what you've said, I'd be worried about being bisexual. I'd be blunt and ask and point out that he owes you the truth (I don't mean I think he's done anything).

Did he not say anything when you asked him to pick it up?

I assume you don’t use condoms together OP?

This doesn’t sound good but on the positive side surely a morning walk with the dog wouldn’t be a likely place or time to meet up with someone else?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - I won’t hijack but I’ve experienced similar so really feel for you and can totally imagine how awful you’re feeling right now. Keep your chin up OP.

If I were you I’d do some more investigating before acting - try to keep calm and don’t make any rash decisions

Thanks when we first met he admitted he had had some gay experiences but said it was a juvenile type thing. Of course I grilled him after the Grindr incident repeatedly and he was adamant he wasn't gay and was attracted to me. We do use condoms but don't have sex often - he had been understanding about this as I've recently started Prozac for anxiety- gee this all sounds a complete mess!!!!

He sounds gay, sorry Op.

Unfortunately, there are many "straight" married men that sleep with other men on the side. It doesn't look good OP

@BleakBetty he said it must have fallen out when he got his ID card or something- totally lame excuse...

I'm so sorry, I think he's gay or bisexual and arranging to meet for sex when walking to dog. (Or perhaps it didn't happen considering the condom wasn't used, or the other participant brought a condom)

He needs to be honest with himself and you, the more he lies the deeper the hurt.

You might not need Prozac if you knew the man you were married to. This happened to me (infidelity, not sexuality) - when you know what's happening in your life, the need for ADs can often disappear.

Do you know about cognitive dissonance? It's where you are desperately trying to hold two opposing views in your mind: eg a) you are married to an open, honest man and you feel a bit low for whatever reason and b) that you are married to someone who is gay and who is seeking sex with men.

Have you thought that maybe you've picked up on this and that you are taking ADs to cope?

I think that as well... it seems obvious now... it's just once I confront him our whole world will implode... I don't have any other evidence...Its just such a lot to process. We were booking a family holiday for my 40 th bday! I just feel sick!

Totally understandable that you’re not feeling up for much having started Prozac - perfectly normal I would think.

Hmm, but you heard him get it out of the drawer as well?

Have you noticed any other suspicious behaviour, secretive with his phone, passcodes, going out at odd times etc.?

Hope you’re okay

Well, no one carries around condoms unless they’re anticipating sex. You need to have a proper talk.

Yes- I heard him rustling around in drawer - it's what woke me up :(
He is a lovely guy and great father and we get on really well together...since the Grindr thing I've been a bit shaken but every time I've brought it up he says it was a dumb one-time thing etc... I went on Prozac after starting new job and losing a lot of confidence and having panic attacks. Ironically I have been feeling great lately!

Nobody downloads Grindr - GAY HOOKUP APP (not Gay dating - HOOKUPS ONLY) Simply because they're "Feeling low"

How on earth did you manage to let that go??? He'd have been single within seconds if it were me

@MotherofaSurvivor It was definitely a big big deal at the time - he convinced me he was just wanting a self esteem boost and swore he hadn't met anyone- I found it the same day he downloaded it as he hadn't stopped the messages flashing up! We have a daughter who has serious health issues so at that stage I couldn't rally to leave.... I'm now feeling different...

I think you have known since the Grindr incident that this was going to blow eventually but for completely understandable reasons, it hasn't been the right time for you to turn all of your lives upside down. So since that point, you've been living in a state of knowing things are all wrong but having to function and think as though everything is fine. That's what people in toxic and abusive relationships do too, and it's unsustainable, lonely and terrible for your mental health.

Is it possible he wanted you to find the condom? Maybe he can't cope with the elephant in the room any longer either? I think you really have to face this now, as it's unfair on both of you not to.

Grindr is nothing but a hook-up app for men looking for men. Bottom line, end of story. Your husband is gay. Possibly bi, but whatever the case, he's cheating on you and possibly exposing you to God knows how many sti's.

(((Hugs)))

Infidelity is gutting.

From the outside, from what you've posted here, it does seem like he might be struggling with his sexuality. I'm not sure that you need other evidence before you discuss this with him; Grindr isn't a random app, it's something you download if you are a man who wants to meet men.

It is a huge thing to process, but I think you do need to talk to him about this. It's a big old thing and you've already known he's used it in the past; it's not an app that a straight and happy man would normallywant to use.

Sexuality is a complicated thing and lots of people are bi, it doesn't mean he's rejecting you or all women - but what's happened does need discussion. Whether he's bi, gay or straight, it's not on for him to be potentially exploring relationships of any kind with other people.

(Sorry, potentially sexual relationships with other people - obviously he can have e.g. friendships with others! But that's not what Grindr et al are for.)

It seems really black and white written down but we've actually had some really good times in the past few years and I thought we were moving forward....
I know it sounds silly but my biggest fear is telling people if we do split- foremost the kids!!

There is never an excuse for infidelity. Cheating is wrong and selfish.

You don't deserve this.

Take your time, act normal, gather evidence, because once you confront him he will deny deny deny and without concrete evidence you will start to second guess yourself.

All the things you dread, telling friends and family, telling the kids etc. Will not be as bad as you think. You will find support in unexpected places, you are stronger than you think, and now you can begin taking control of the situation (that he has put you in)