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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There's no excuse for this - is there?

65 replies

Rosered22 · 01/02/2018 22:52

I'm in shock... yesterday morning my dh went to walk to the dog in the morning. I heard a rustling noise from the bedside cabinet which I though was weird. Then upon his return - I found a condom lying in his walking clothes..unused. But this is not good! We have two DC aged 6 and 9 and our whole life is tied up together- been together 20 years. There was an incident two years ago - major alarm bells I know - where I found he had Grindr on his phone but he said he was just bored and feeling low etc and had only message a few people (men!). He was mortified and went to the Gp for depression etc. Things seemed to be back on track... I haven't confronted him yet as I need to get my head around things. He knows I'm acting weird and he also knows I saw the condom as I told him to pick it up.... I just need support people. I'm a shaky mess and haven't told anyone IRL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosered22 · 02/02/2018 00:48

Thank you @NotTreacs ... I needed to hear that. I know he will blame his low self esteem and our quiet sex life etc. He won't want to leave...

OP posts:
Mrstobe90 · 02/02/2018 00:53

I'm sorry OP but it does sound like he may be arranging meet ups.
I'd try to find him on Grindr and find out what he's up too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this xx

Straycatblue · 02/02/2018 01:08

Im sorry op, from what you've posted, it does sound like hes either arranging to meet up in advance or he is going to an area thats known for casual sex hook ups.

Where I live theres an isolated single track hill road only a 5 min drive out of down that is well known for gay hookups. Most don't plan in advance, they just hang around waiting in passing places/walking their dogs at all times of day.
You can google where the common local areas are for this kind of thing, there may be one near you or where he walks the dog. If you type in Cruising & whatever your local area is , it will come up with suggestions. (I would do a history search on computer first though to see if hes already done that and then delete your search)
(the reason I know all this as its a big problem in one of the areas I take my horse and lots of police involvement with local community to try and stop it)

The other thing thats not been mentioned, is that you found one unused condom, that doesnt mean that he didnt have sex, you dont know how many condoms he took with him.

Please get yourself tested for STIs

Original poster
Rosered22 · 02/02/2018 05:59

Thank you everyone - update:
We have talked and he said the condom had genuinely fallen out when he was looking for his passport which he had to take for ID for a bank account (he is part of a society/group - they are legit) and he'd picked it up and put it in his shorts pocket- which I then found/saw in a pile later on. He was acting weird because I had been ignoring him and felt annoyed I would jump to such a big conclusion!

Digesting all of this now....

He said he's in such a better place now than when the Grindr thing happened (which is true) and he'd never do anything to jeopardise what we have...

I know a lot of people are going to say I'm a fool to trust him but I may give him some wiggle room for a while...
He was only out with the dog for 15 min and we live in a small town so it's not exactly likely.

I think I am still recovering from the Grindr incident - which he reminded me is actually four years ago. I've explained this to him today. I've booked in to see a professional counsellor on Wednesday to get another opinion and see where we can go from here. Broken trust is so hard!
Thanks all for your thoughts! I'll let you know if there's any developments- good or bad. It's been so helpful to share on here and hear others' perspectives.

OP posts:
Sppapp · 02/02/2018 06:50

But why did he have the condom in the first place?

RemainOptimistic · 02/02/2018 06:55

OP his actions and his words are sending conflicting messages.

His actions show you who he is.

The words are designed to mislead and confuse.

user1486956786 · 02/02/2018 06:57

Glad you are feeling a little better. Take your time and do what feels right for you.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 07:00

Rinse. And repeat Sad

Flomy · 02/02/2018 07:13

I would be checking out Grinder definately. He might be meeting someone in their car/work van.

I know I would be celebrating my 40th with just me & the kids, and seeing it as a clean break as life begins at 40, I couldnt believe him personally.

But thats because I have had my fingers burnt before, that I am now happier avoiding the fire, as its a safer & happier life for me & DC.

Zebrathree · 02/02/2018 08:31

Why did he need the passport before walking the dog?

As others have said, have a look on this Grinder to see if you can find him and check if he's deleting his internet history. Is he behaving differently with his mobile phone, such as where he leaves it?

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/02/2018 09:24

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Ireallylovetea2 · 02/02/2018 09:37

Sorry to burst your bubble, I do understand why you want to believe him, but I have to ask: If he picked it up early yesterday morning when he was going to walk the dog why would he have taken his passport then? Surely it would've been too early for the bank to be open and if he was only gone 15 mins there wasn't enough time for him to go to the bank either.
I'm assuming it was early morning as you said the rustling woke you up, and do you really keep passports in your bedside cabinets?
I think he's either gay or bisexual, sorry.

StarlightSparkle · 02/02/2018 09:38

Why did he put the condom in his pocket instead of back from where it fell out? Have you checked Grindr? Though if he had been on there he’s probably deleted the profile now.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2018 10:39

I think this is what you need to hear for now.
Take each day at a time and work out what you want out of all of this.
Like others though - I would be checking out Grindr.
Making a fake account and seeing if you can find your DH still on there.
If not, then, hopefully we are all wrong.
Good luck with everything.
You sound lovely so don't settle!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/02/2018 11:46

We were booking a family holiday for my 40 th bday! DO NOT DO THIS.

I think you need to take your head out of the sand here and accept that your DH may be gay or bi.

Being on Grindr because he was 'feeling low'? Oh come on, woman. You really bought that?

You obviously don't trust him. Never mind you seeing a counsellor, you'd be better off sending him!

NotTreacs · 02/02/2018 13:18

Take your time, act normal, gather evidence, because once you confront him he will deny deny deny and without concrete evidence you will start to second guess yourself

He will have already covered his tracks by now. I think you know his flimsy excuses (even those from 4 years ago) are lies. You are not ready to accept the truth.

Please take some time for yourself and work on your self esteem, build your strength up, surround yourself with supporting be friends this will all kick off again. And please get a STI check.

SandyY2K · 02/02/2018 13:37

This marriage wouldn't work for me. The Grindr thing would have meant the end of the marriage...or at least the sexual side of it until I was set to leave.

It's clear he's still into men on some level..probably a physical level.

Worldsworstcook · 02/02/2018 13:47

He's given his explanation, it sounds completely plausible. He was looking for something for a reason you were aware of. Did he go to the bank? If so put it behind you - unless there are other reasons for suspicion. I would maybe check on grindr though just to put your mind at ease.

Rosielily · 02/02/2018 15:39

What does your gut say......?

yetmorecrap · 02/02/2018 15:39

I would for the time being just have antenna on hi alert, let it die down a bit and do a bit of digging discretely , he may be telling the truth, he may just be good at BS , whichever it is he is likely to have promptly taken himself off Grindr if he was on there for the moment, do you have open access to phone, tablet and PC etc?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 02/02/2018 15:47

Hang on, surely it’s infidelity that’s the problem. If he’s not being unfaithful (and you can reserve judgement on that for now OP) then bisexuality need not be an issue, surely? I know a couple of people who are bisexual but are in successful longterm relationships.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 16:09

That "explanation" is very far from "plausible"

Lucymek · 02/02/2018 16:18

You might have had great times but he is still lusting after sexual contact with a man. Sorry op unless your happy to have an open relationship I think you know it's done.

Flowers
Lucymek · 02/02/2018 16:19

And sorry I think he was going to meet someone on his 'dog walk' hence the condom. I wouldn't sleep with him anymore it's not very safe for you.

DiscotequeJuliet · 02/02/2018 16:22

Seriously op, I think you need to have a look in grindr and see if he's still on it. You've believed his implausible excuse very quickly. I think you're burying your head in the sand tbh.

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