Trying to move on from an affair

[Luckystar1]

I found out almost 3 months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague. I know all the details now and it seems it was largely a load of bullshit texting/calls (of which the majority were about work 🙄), which culminated in them having sex once. My husband has said he was so disgusted and sickened with himself after sex that he had no physical contact with her, but continued to text/speak with her on the phone. Again I believe this (it took hours to extract that he had had sex and the details I have found out by asking questions, he has been open I believe with his replies).

We are both in individual therapy and are also attending couples therapy. Some days I feel fine, but others I just feel so overwhelmingly angry and upset that i am married to someone who could do this to me.

We have 2 very young children (now 1.5 & 3 years) and life has been hard since they have come along.

My husband is a broken man, genuinely, and is thoroughly horrified by what he did. And he has made a lot of very positive changes. He says he feels very close to me and more connected than for years. I just can’t feel as close to him. I feel like there is always a ‘but’ for me, and a wall now that I don’t know will come down.

I just don’t know how I can see a future in which we can be truly happy, and it doesn’t feel like we are pretending.

To add, they still work together (Although she has now been moved to a different office, she will still frequently be in his office). We also live in an very small area, I know her husband and children and do bump into them in town etc)

Has anyone been through this and have any words of advice?

I have no experience of this but didnt want to read and run.
Im sorry you are going through this. Do you think time could help the wall come down? If it has only been 3 months then that is relatively short period of time. Especially if you think about how you are grieving for the marriage you thought you had.
Hand hold OP, you seem to be handling this with dignity and self respect

Hi OP, did you find out after the affair, of whilst it was going on ?
Are your families aware, if did you shoulder this weight alone ?
Is he a broken man because he was found out ?

Thank you.

I found out while it was ongoing (Although only calls/texts noting physical). I suspected and snooped. I have questioned him intensively and he says he felt scared and trapped and had no idea how to get out of it (seems to me like it would’ve been fairly simple but apparently not...). My own therapist says this is a very common feeling amongst those conducting an affair.

I think initially he was shocked and defensive and sorry for the ‘shame’ of having been caught. Now I feel he is truly sorry for what he did and the pain it is causing to me. He is scared of what now may come from this (losing his wife and children and marriage etc).

I just feel repulsed by the weak, pathetic part of him that could do this. It goes against every moral fibre in my body. Plus, I get the shocking realisation that holy shit, my husband has had sex with someone else while we were married!

I would like to work towards forgiveness, not for him but for me. I can’t live with this eating me up and making me a bitter person.

In my good days, I feel sorry for him, and even for her (the other woman) as they have both fucked up their lives. For nothing. Other days I just think, you bloody ruined my life too, and I couldn’t give a hoot in you both burned in the flames of hell’s fire!

Oh sorry, Yes, both of our families know. As well as some friends and some of my husband’s colleagues. I initially kicked him out and demanded he contact his work (he is very senior, she slightly less senior) and his parents. My family have been supportive but very much on the ‘make it work’ path. His family have only supported him, haven’t contacted me at all and ‘only want him to be happy’.

Two choices imo.

Either you both throw yourself into the relationship, or you leave.

No point carrying on it either you can’t forgive or either of you don’t give 100% to fix the relationship.

I know people who have carried on unhappy and I know people who get on better now than they ever had.

I don't believe there was only one instance of sexual contact. He's told you enough for you not to leave him.

For me infidelity breaks the relationship. The one you had is gone. For me once that's been done, that's it. Go and do something new. But it took being cheated on and hanging on in there for years to realise that.

3 months isn't long. Give it up 6months to a year and see how you feel.

Infidelity can take between 2 and 5 years to heal...That's not saying you forget about it at all.

The feelings of loss of respect for your spouse can be difficult to overcome.

The feelings left post infidelity can be really complex...a site to gain further info from is
www.survivinginfidelity.com

You are not alone in his you feel.

I don’t have any advice to offer but just to say I am in an almost identical situation myself and can really empathise with how you’re feeling. I could have written your post myself as my situation is very similar; work colleague, they only had sex once (allegedly) and he is now full of remorse. I’m only 2 months from d-day though.

I can’t decide if I’m going to be happier in the long run with or without him. On occasions when we’re getting on and I put it to the back of my mind I’m filled with happiness and relief and a feeling that we can work it out, but other times I feel so angry that he has jeopardised everything for nothing. He claims I’m his soul mate, love of his life, etc but then how could he have done this to me? I would never have done it to him and it’s going to be very, very hard to get over.

I’m just planning to go with it for a few months and hoping my feelings will develop one way or the other. Sorry this is happening to you too

OP. He is telling you what you want to hear. Remorse, disgust, shame, it only happened once. No physical contact but he still managed to keep up the deceit by phone! Bull shit.

Starlight- ⚘. I feel for people put in this position but you are being mad to feel you need to compensate for HIS indiscretions. Don't do it.

To be honest Salt if it wasn’t for the fact we have young children I would’ve already ended it, but they’ve had such a lovely life up to this point I feel guilty to change it (even though I didn’t cause this). I wouldn’t stay with him for their sake but I feel like I owe it to them to give him a chance and see if I am able to forgive him.

In principle I totally think I should leave but I can’t face doing so yet...

I know what you’re saying but seeing him/living with him I can see he is broken and remorseful. It’s not just words, it’s evident from his whole person.

I do also believe that they only had sex once. I know when it was and where. I have questioned my husband extensively and reiterated that any more ‘revelations’ would be a complete killer and that we cannot move forward of any lies remain. In many ways I have to believe him and have no choice but to. No one else is going to tell me any different. I have been in contact with the other woman’s husband and he is privy to the bare bones of information so I know way more than him.

Thank you for the advice to either go for it, or retreat. I think in many ways these are my only real options. I can’t reakly spend much more energy trying to determine if he’s still lying or not. It’s just exhausting and is killing any progress we have made.

Starlight I’m so sorry you are in the same position. It’s 2.5 months for me, and honestly still feels soooo raw sometimes. But I know I have made progress even from the very earliest days so that’s positive!

I feel for you, OP.

I reiterate that you probably don't know all of it. They always lie, lie, lie some more.

I will also say that once you know they're a cheat and a liar, your relationship is pretty much done. You may stay together but deep down, you'll always have that knowledge that they happily fucked you over to get what they want. You're worth more than that.

I’ve asked and had details about when they were together and where. I know about other instances of kissing and ‘contact’. These were all during a lunch hour or in a meeting room in Work, I can’t see that they would’ve been any more sexual than what he has told me. The time they had sex I was out of the country and they had a works do in the evening. Every other evening he was home as soon after Work as traffic allows (he only lives a 10 min car journey away). But of course there could be more lies, I just can’t see how they would factor in.

I don’t believe he has lied to me any more since the initial lies. He just broke down once he was discovered and I kept at him.

But you are right, my biggest concern is that loss of innocent respect for someone. That comes of blindly loving them. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that back.

Is that something that time/good deeds heals?! Or is it just gone?!

I can only speak for myself but I couldn't get past it. As soon as I left him, I started to get over it!

"My husband has said he was so disgusted and sickened with himself after sex that he had no physical contact with her, but continued to text/speak with her on the phone"

This is what they all say. It's a lie.

I recommend www.chumplady.com/archives/.

He's not sorry - he is only sorry he got caught . Believe me, there will be more for you to find out . Right now he is trying to minimise. Sorry - be very careful and watchful and think carefully .

And how did you uncover this further information? I have asked and asked and watched and watched. I couldn’t deal with anything else. But how will I know if/when we are at the end?!

I should add, every time I’ve asked him something he has told me, even when he hasn’t wanted to go into details and he has repeatedly confirmed the same thing on numerous occasions about a multitude of different things.

"In my good days, I feel sorry for him, and even for her (the other woman) as they have both fucked up their lives."

But they haven't? Things are still just the way they were? They had their cake and ate it, and minus a few arguments, have gotten away with it scott free. You even said, "He says he feels very close to me and more connected than for years." I'm sorry but him saying that would have put me in a rage. Wtf?

And agreed if he was truly sickened with himself, he wouldn't have still been texting and calling her. He'd have been as disgusted with her as himself, and told her to stay away from him in future.

I'd guess it's a common thing your therapist hears, as it's just another cliché piece of bullshit cheaters spout. It doesn't make sense, and our gut tells it's not right, because it's not. It's a lie.

Surely the knowledge that I can walk away any time is not getting off Scott free? He’s going to leave his job. Her marriage is presumably going through the ringer?

In fairness what he said has sparked off this most recent chaos. I explained that I am nowhere near where he is in recovery and can’t even begin to understand what he’s saying.

*tells us

I have been in your situation, albeit not married, and for the most part have managed to move on. It took counselling, work on both our parts and a long, long time, but we did it together. We can now recognise what went wrong and whilst I sill hate the part of him that meant he could cheat, he has been honest about it and feels disgusted at his behaviour.

We read a book by Andrew Marshall called How Can I Trust You Again which takes you through the stages of healing, it really helped to feel that I wasn’t alone in my despair and the feelings I had were normal. I was allowed to feel angry, upset and hate him and going through the grieving process had to happen. What matters is if you can trust again and rebuild a new relationship together, whilst moving on from your old one.

I wish you the best OP, it’s not easy