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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to move on from an affair

66 replies

Luckystar1 · 31/01/2018 09:05

I found out almost 3 months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague. I know all the details now and it seems it was largely a load of bullshit texting/calls (of which the majority were about work 🙄), which culminated in them having sex once. My husband has said he was so disgusted and sickened with himself after sex that he had no physical contact with her, but continued to text/speak with her on the phone. Again I believe this (it took hours to extract that he had had sex and the details I have found out by asking questions, he has been open I believe with his replies).

We are both in individual therapy and are also attending couples therapy. Some days I feel fine, but others I just feel so overwhelmingly angry and upset that i am married to someone who could do this to me.

We have 2 very young children (now 1.5 & 3 years) and life has been hard since they have come along.

My husband is a broken man, genuinely, and is thoroughly horrified by what he did. And he has made a lot of very positive changes. He says he feels very close to me and more connected than for years. I just can’t feel as close to him. I feel like there is always a ‘but’ for me, and a wall now that I don’t know will come down.

I just don’t know how I can see a future in which we can be truly happy, and it doesn’t feel like we are pretending.

To add, they still work together (Although she has now been moved to a different office, she will still frequently be in his office). We also live in an very small area, I know her husband and children and do bump into them in town etc)

Has anyone been through this and have any words of advice?

OP posts:
WickedLazy · 01/02/2018 10:02

He has the knowledge that he's been caught having an affair, and you haven't thrown him out. Will he leave his job, or will he make excuses to stay? For all you know, they have an open marriage and her dh could care less.

Winteriscoming18 · 01/02/2018 10:04

I agree he is minisming. He could have had sex several times that night but he will tell you it was once, he could have had sex other occasions the fact he continued to talk to her afterwards is very telling instead of breaking it off there and then. He is only guilty because he was caught op. Flowers

Original poster
Luckystar1 · 01/02/2018 10:20

Lady thank you. How did you feel that the amount of detail you had was the full extent? I’m now worried were before I was more confident that I was as fully informed as possible.

And everyone else thank you so much. This is very hard to read, it has put me in a spin.

OP posts:
revengeongc · 01/02/2018 10:58

I'm really sorry, OP. Believe me, I know how much this hurts. It hurts SO much.

The thing is, ALL cheaters, all of them, minimise what they've done. The chances that he is telling you the unvarnished truth is really, really minimal. I appreciate that you don't want to hear this, I'm really sorry.

Guest8525 · 01/02/2018 10:59

Luckystar1 dont be hard on yourself, its so so raw right now.

Im 15 months out and i do feel like i can begin to breathe again and you have both taken a good start.

Forums are delicate, take what you need and leave the rest. Some like to play devil on the shoulder and sometimes it may be worthwhile, othertimes it really messes up with your head and doesnt help reconcilation.

As long as you have full disclosure you're on the right track.

I recommend Esther Perel's TED talk, everyone recommended this to me and I wish I watched it sooner, I am thinking of purchasing one of her books now. It helped me find some peace.

StarlightSparkle · 01/02/2018 11:30

Is it possible that a man could feel closer to his wife after this happening because he realises how stupid he’s been and how close he has come to losing that person? That they are not inherently bad but made a serious error in judgement? I feel like my H is genuinely sorry but maybe I am just very naive.

I know of people who did manage to repair their relationship and are still together decades later, though who knows whether the cheater really did stay faithful and whether they are genuinely happy...

LadyPenelopeCantDance · 01/02/2018 11:33

Op, I had to keep asking questions in every detail and made it very clear that if anything was left out or any new information was discovered, that would be the end of our relationship.

At the start, he was minimising to protect himself and spare my feelings, but I needed the gory details. Minimising isn’t helpful and he needs to know this. You need everything out in the open to allow you to process what has happened. If you move on and find out new details it will break you. I asked questions over and over to make sure what he told me was consistent and it was. His story didn’t change. Some stuff was very hard to listen to and made me feel sick to the stomach, but only once you have hit rock bottom and have full knowledge of what went on you safely move on.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 01/02/2018 11:37

He was disgusted they had sex but kept contacting her - what like a pen pal??
You are wasting your dc childhood giving your energy /efforts to a man who trashed his marriage vows for the sake of a single shag - he claimed - what's in it for him to admit the extent of the affair? He has told you the least he can get away with for damage limitations that's all.
Your relationship with his family is screwed also if they are standing by him. Not the family I would want my dc spending time with.

Fosterdog123 · 01/02/2018 11:54

I wouldn't dwell too much on whether it was once or a dozen times. It's largely academic at this point. Fact is, he's done it, he's crossed the line and any further revelations will only hurt you more. The deceit is done and only you can decide whether you want to stay or go. How about some time apart, to give you breathing space to think? Even if it's just a few days at a friends or family. If he's there every day/night, you have no time to allow yourself to gather your thoughts.

Fosterdog123 · 01/02/2018 11:56

Oh and btw, fuck what he wants. It's irrelevant. Think very very carefully about what YOU want. Do you want to be with this man. Do you want to spend your time with him in the future. Can you have sex with him again, cry on his shoulder, laugh with him, relax with him, trust him to support you, be a friend to him.

Fairbourne · 01/02/2018 12:06

Sorry OP, you can never be sure you know everything. You say he had no other opportunities but what if he booked a day off work but left the house as normal and returned as normal having spent the day holed up with her? It happens.

mm2one · 01/02/2018 12:10

Hello OP, I am really sorry you are going through this.

As others have stated, 3 months is not very long.

I don't know what sort of advice to give other than to say, keep working on yourself and try to do things that occupy your mind and make you feel better.

What do you mean "he is a broken man"? He is broken because he had sex with another woman or because he got caught and is now suffering the consequences?

Did you get to the root of why did he have the affair to begin with and why did it become physical and he allowed it to become that?

As a male on this forum, I will tell you, it would take a lot for me to be able to have sex with someone other than my wife. I think the sheer guilt of even being in a sexual type situation with another woman would probably send me running.

I really feel sorry that you are going through this and you are also caring for such little children.

Fairbourne · 01/02/2018 12:10

Oh, and nobody I know who's had an affair hasn't done it again if they stayed with the same partner.

The only one's who haven't (yet) are those who are with someone new (affair partner or someone totally different).

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/02/2018 12:16

OP, I don't wish to hurt you further, but he is a lying, cheating rat of a man. He is now pooping his pants at being found out, and the prospect of losing what he has achieved, coupled with the loss of respect from friends and family.
Get yourself checked out at the clinic, you have no idea where he has been dipping his wick.
I truly feel for you, you sound like a lovely lady, but you have to face the bigger picture, as at present, you are choosing to minimise.

StarlightSparkle · 01/02/2018 12:17

Lucky has your H explained why he thinks it happened in the first place? Had things been good between you? We had been going through a rough patch and I don’t think I could forgive him if it had happened when we were blissfully happy. Not that the fact things weren’t good at the time excuses his behaviour, but in his mind that must have given him a justification.

Phoenix74 · 01/02/2018 12:20

lucky I’m where you are. It really fucking hurts. I’ve been on many threads since it happened. Some of the advice is really useful especially from others that have been through it. Others take the stance of once a cheat, always a cheat.
For me the minimising thing was certainly true at the beginning and there was a drip drip of information but I truly believe I know everything. Or I certainly know as much as I need to. Don’t let others mess with you’re head by telling you he’s not telling the truth.

Im in the same boat as you, some days I’m full of hope, others full of despair. I know I still love him but like you, whether I can still feel the same sense of love that I once did, I don’t know. Like someone else said, I want to know that I’ve given it a chance. I think I’ll regret it more if I walk away right now. And walking away still means dealing with it and recovering from it.

As far as I can see it just takes time. Time to have trust rebuilt, time to heal, time to fall back in love. Some days are good, some bad but that’s normal and I’ve learnt just to feel what I feel whether it be calm or anger knowing that it will pass. It’s a rollercoaster, one that we’re on without our consent but one day we will be off it.

Original poster
Luckystar1 · 01/02/2018 12:57

Thank you all. Yes I quite probably am minimising but I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. The big picture is that I will end up with 2 tiny children, no husband, no support etc. I don’t like that picture!

We weren’t in a great place to be fair. My husband was very disconnected from us and was very Work oriented and extremely stressed and pressured by Work. I was very focused on the children. Through therapy we have discovered that my husband has this ‘special star’ complex (thanks MIL) that I couldn’t satisfy and that he seeks out for topping up his ego. It’s fucking pathetic. But I don’t disagree with the therapist.

I have already told him I want nothing to do with his family. A small silver lining!

I cannot imagine a future without him.

OP posts:
Chugalug · 01/02/2018 13:03

My dh did the same 10 yrs ago.we since got married and had another dc..anyone can make a mistake once in my book.twice is a piss take and it would be over for good...every one of my friends said don't take him back he will do it again....he hasn't ,but worries a lot that I will...I wouldn't ,can't be arsed...I think I have a tendency to laziness,and I couldn't be arsed with the faff of ending things..4 kids to organise ,I didn't want to be a single parent .

StarlightSparkle · 01/02/2018 13:05

Luckystar your situation is so similar to mine that I think you could be me! My H was very stressed with work and I was really focussed on the kids. We did feel estranged. We haven’t had couples counselling yet but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has the special star complex! I couldn’t believe how sympathetic his Mum was towards him when all this came out.

The difference is that I can imagine life without him but I don’t know if it’s what I want.

mm2one · 01/02/2018 13:14

OP. I just read through the thread.

The thing that makes very little sense to me is that after he supposedly did the deed that made him disgusted with himself and with her, he continued to have contact.

I do feel that perhaps if he didn't get caught he would still be doing it.

I really don't know what to say. But I can tell you from my experience as I am getting through something similar... The complete loss of trust is eating away at me. In my case we are closer and more intimate than we have ever been in years, but ever time I look at her it feels different. It's like we are not quite in the same relationship or I am not married to the same person I have known.

I wish you well OP.

Original poster
Luckystar1 · 01/02/2018 13:19

Chugalug how did you get through/past it?

Starlight I was actually in therapy prior to finding out so I am grateful to have had a head start on that! My husband is also now doing therapy since I think a week after I found out. Couples therapy has been useful and has allowed us to communicate better, but there’s still the elephant in the room. What’s your home situation now? Is he there? Have you talked? Have you had sex?

Do you believe your husband to be an inherently ‘bad’ person? Or that he is sorry?

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckystar1 · 01/02/2018 13:21

mm2one did you wife cheat?

What I find hard is that often we can continue as ‘normal’ as though nothing has happened. And then, boom, I’m back in the room.

OP posts:
Chugalug · 01/02/2018 13:36

At the time ,with great difficulty..she was threatening to kill herself.he was her boss..she got my number off his phone and phoned me ,after he returned home ,saying that she planned it ,the minute she saw him she wanted him.told me how many times they " made love"..who knows what was a load of old bollacks and what wasn't..he ended up packing his job in and getting one on half the salary just to escape her...yeah ,not sure how I got through it..I've 2 kids with autism ,and I was damed if I was bringing them up alone.they are hard work..why should he get to fuck off and leave me in the shite.not a chance in hell...but we got past it s I said it was a long time ago,I only think about it when I see a similar thread...if you want to work throu it ,you will x

mm2one · 01/02/2018 14:30

I have a thread on my experience on here.

She denied everything and I am believing her. I don't think she cheated to the extent that your DH did. But I do strongly feel she had an EA and is in denial.

I think the deeper problems I am having is that I don't know if our relationship has changed forever or if this is just a feeling that I am going through that will go away with time. I don't feel I truly know the person I am married to anymore. I don't know if it will ever go back to me feeling like I trying know her again. I don't know.

Good luck!! And stay positive. Try to work out or go for walks of you can.

Original poster
Luckystar1 · 01/02/2018 14:34

Thank you. Good luck to you too. It is a long and lonely path we walk.

OP posts: