Trying to move on from an affair

[Luckystar1]

I found out almost 3 months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague. I know all the details now and it seems it was largely a load of bullshit texting/calls (of which the majority were about work 🙄), which culminated in them having sex once. My husband has said he was so disgusted and sickened with himself after sex that he had no physical contact with her, but continued to text/speak with her on the phone. Again I believe this (it took hours to extract that he had had sex and the details I have found out by asking questions, he has been open I believe with his replies).

We are both in individual therapy and are also attending couples therapy. Some days I feel fine, but others I just feel so overwhelmingly angry and upset that i am married to someone who could do this to me.

We have 2 very young children (now 1.5 & 3 years) and life has been hard since they have come along.

My husband is a broken man, genuinely, and is thoroughly horrified by what he did. And he has made a lot of very positive changes. He says he feels very close to me and more connected than for years. I just can’t feel as close to him. I feel like there is always a ‘but’ for me, and a wall now that I don’t know will come down.

I just don’t know how I can see a future in which we can be truly happy, and it doesn’t feel like we are pretending.

To add, they still work together (Although she has now been moved to a different office, she will still frequently be in his office). We also live in an very small area, I know her husband and children and do bump into them in town etc)

Has anyone been through this and have any words of advice?

3 months is too soon to be feeling better. It will take a long time. Far longer than this. Bear that in mind if you want to reconcile. Is what you will have worth the pain and effort of staying?

1. What do you want to happen? (bearing in mind 'I want it not to have happened' is not an option sadly.
2. How do you get there?
3. Are you willing to do what it takes to get there.

All the above is dependent on whether your H is genuinely willing to be the man you need him to be and not to get fed up or resentful of the time and effort this reconciliation is taking.

Dh and I are 6.5 years down the road from his affair. Things are good now. I am a stronger and healthier person. It took 5 years and a lot of pain. anger and talking to get here. It is worth it now but sometimes it didn't feel as if it would be.

Thank you Irian.

What do I want? I want to have a better, stronger relationship. I want to feel secure and loved and wanted.

I think I’m willing to put in the work, provided my husband has been open and honest. I thought he had been but now I’m second guessing myself and him. While I really don’t like him for what he did, I don’t believe him to be a ‘bad’ person. I think the good man is still there.

The thing I am struggling with is that o feel we will have to make some major life changes (primarily moving back to my home country), but I just feel very nervous of that sort of upheaval at this time. I don’t know how to do much beside perform the day to day functions (and often badly at that!)

It does get easier..tell him it's up to him to put it right ,up to him to put the effort in if he wants it to work...

OP, dont 2nd guess yourself based on the comments on here. You relationship with your spouse is separate from the commenters here. We are all independent parties providing your comments based on our own separate experiences and everyones experience is different.

Lucky we are living apart at the moment but he still comes round to see the children regularly. At first I could barely even look at him but things have got better in the past couple of weeks. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever sleep with him again but recently we did have sex.

It’s like you said, sometimes we get on and it feels like the old ‘us’ but other times, when I think about what he did, I feel full of rage again.

I think he is a good person, even though he did this, but he can be very selfish and put himself first. That was one of the reasons why weren’t getting on in the first place.

It really is a difficult situation. I always thought I would leave if this happened to me but it’s easy to say that in principle but harder when it’s real life. I don’t know what the answer is.

Starlight you are like me! I asked him to move out immediately and he reluctantly did but he moved back in after Christmas.

We too have had sex, after me saying I would never be able to. I think this gave him a lot more hope. And I enjoyed it too.

The details that he has told me when I have asked really do make it all sound very, very pathetic. I mean I have openly laughed at how pathetic he is (provided it’s the truth!).

My husband too is very selfish and has a tendency to deal very well when tines are ‘good’ and badly when things aren’t so good. But he says during those times he knows he must just work harder to show me he is trustworthy. Time will tell. But it just seems like it will take so many years!

Echoing mm2one's post tbh.

THAnk you both. I hesitated to post initially as I didn’t want the doubts and then sent 2 days absolutely bombarding my husband who sat crying in Work as he can’t see how to get me to believe him.

Yep and this is the issue, not every relationship story is the same and some of the replies have sent you flying-what If actually, there ISNT any more to know?

Sometimes the replies on here can be detrimental to recovery too.

What is special star complex? x

It’s not an actual ‘thing’, just that he thinks he’s ‘special’ (undefinable) but for no reason, just because he was always told he was special. So needs a huge, huge amount of praise to accompany anything (even things like putting up a shelf etc), when a ‘normal’ person would just accept a ‘good job’

You sound like a wise woman who is taking life one day at a time.

Stay strong and whatever you decide, be happy .

Thank you Marvellous.

Poor lamb. Crying at work. Finding a way to make you feel guilty.

What I don't understand is if it meant so little to him isn't that worse? He was willing to hurt you so much and risk so much for what? One 'pathetic' furtive shag?

The reason you're hearing all the stuff you don't want to is because the overwhelming number of times that's how it is.

You seem determined to think the best. You could well be back with a different story...like lots of others.

everyone things they are "special". we all play the heros in our own lives.

Been here with a needy/special man like that and believe me it is a long and hard road - that is the very reason he had an affair in the first place . People need to be happy within themselves and not looking for their partner to do that for them. This "special" is even more alarming to me than any of the rest of it . Are you ready to spend the rest of your life supporting and praising a "special" person who may decided he finds it better elsewhere again ?