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Original poster

DH touching me in my sleep!?!

68 replies

MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 08:22

Hello (name changed for privacy)

I’ve been suspecting for awhile that dh has been touching me when I’m asleep. I spoke to him about how I would hate it and it would break trust for me and is not my idea of fun. However it’s still going on. Last night I woke up to him touching me. Where do I go from here? I love dh is every other way and don’t want to break up but I don’t want this to continue.

OP posts:
Mellodrama · 31/01/2018 08:28

Ugh, this brings back memories as my ex-h used to do it to me too Sad Even though he was my DH at the time, it made me feel pretty violated Confused It happened a few times too.

Tell him to stop, see how he reacts.

HumpHumpWhale · 31/01/2018 08:32

There's a thread about this every few months. I'm shocked by how many men think sexually assaulting their sleeping partner is ok.
Tell him it's sexual assault and that if he does it again, you're leaving and going to the police. He may be horrified and contrite, in which case maybe you can get past it, but I'm not sure I could ever trust him again if it were me.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 08:35

Thanks, I confronted him this morning (nottbe first time) and he said I’d sent him mixed signals by touching him. I was asleep though so I don’t see how I could have. It seems he always had an excuse. I feel exhausted this morning. I wish we had a spare room because we have a baby and I need my sleep when I get it.

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PipGirl404 · 31/01/2018 08:35

If he stopped doing it when you explicitly told him you would hate it and it would break trust, then absolutely fair enough, but the fact he is continuing to do it despite you telling him that is shit. I imagine it's a recent thing, so he's obviously not been doing it the entire time you've been together - ask him why he's all of a sudden started touching you in your sleep? It's so creepy.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 08:36

not the
has

Amendments

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Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 08:44

We haven’t DTD as much as we have a young baby. I don’t like it as hate not being in control and like Mello said it makes me feel violated. Even though I love him I don’t want to be touched when I don’t know.

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badabing36 · 31/01/2018 08:48

It is a violation, it’s a non consensual sex act. Just because it’s depressingly common doesn’t mean it’s ok.

How are things with your relationship in general op?

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2018 08:50

When you're asleep you can't consent

He's touching you even though you've made it clear you do not like it and do not want him to.

If you can't feel safe in your own bed at night with your partner then this is a huge problem. Seriously, I think you should consider leaving him.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 08:59

badabing36 That’s the thing our relationship is really healthy in every other way. We get on well and have been enjoying parenting our baby. The only thing that has changed is stress levels are up abut and when dh gets stressed he turns to sex as a release (maybe like a lot of people.)

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Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:00

abit *

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HumpHumpWhale · 31/01/2018 09:03

The thing is, though, he is doing sexual things to you in your sleep, knowing you don't like it. That's NOT OK. At the very least, you need to talk to him again. Tell him you feel violated, tell him you don't feel safe in your bed anymore, and see what he says. If he's horrified and upset, that's one thing. If he's still making excuses having had it put that bluntly, he's not a decent person and you're not safe with him.

HumpHumpWhale · 31/01/2018 09:05

If he needs a sexual release to deal with stress, btw, that's FINE. And he should be masturbating. Like a normal person who doesn't get off on having an unwilling/unknowing partner.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:06

I will talk to him again when he gets home from work. I like my sleep and my rest and tell him if have noticed he always instigated right before we go to sleep when I’m too tired and then this. I know I need to make an effort to have more sex as well and do feel like I’m in the wrong as well. Either way I know it doesn’t give him a right to violate me in this way.

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Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:07

and tell him if he wants to DTD middle of the night isn’t okay *

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Shoxfordian · 31/01/2018 09:08

You don't owe him sex

You're not obligated to have sex more often if you don't want to especially with a young child and when you're exhausted

Pleaee develop some boundaries

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:10

Yea Hump he went to the doctors a long time ago because he felt he had a problem that he was masturbating too much; he was associating it with stress. He learnt to disconnect the two and do it a little less. Dh has a very high sex drive and when we first met I guess mine was a lot higher than it is now. Getting abit older and having a baby has lowered mine a lot.

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badabing36 · 31/01/2018 09:12

I think sex is a good stress reliever, dp doesn’t if we are having a stressful time we don’t have sex as I respect him. I could never imagine touching him in his sleep. Can you imagine doing that to your dp? How unsexy that would be?

As for sending mixed signals, that’s horse shit, how can anyone send signals in their sleep?

Even if everything else is fine in your relationship this must be seriously making you think about who he is. Your body is yours, it’s not his plaything. You are not his plaything.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:15

Thanks it has upset me and if I’m honest I feel like I’m half blocking it out which I know is wrong. I can’t bare to think that this person I love would do this to me and think it’s okay. Its almost as if when he gets aroused he forgets boundaries like he can’t control himself. A long time ago I caught him secretly filming me when I was home alone and didn’t know (I found the camera). We almost broke up at the the time but he perfusely apologised and said would never do it again which he never did. Now this.

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Hyggemama · 31/01/2018 09:15

Aw I really feel for you OP you must be exhausted with your LO then having your partner like this doesn't feel supportive. As PP says really be honest with yourself and him. You don't owe him sex. Explain to him you have sex when you want to have sex and him acting like this is only slowing down any possible return to an active sex life. As for me a partner that seemed to not care about consent would be the biggest turn off ever. Don't be afraid to explain that to him and explain what consent is. I would also explain you will call 101 if he continues to assault you. You are not alone as unfortunately lots of men and women seem to lack understanding of consensual and healthy sex.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:17

he said he was a different person back then and stupid and that he can see it was wrong so I though fair enough. I just feel like it’s one thing after another just when I think things are okay again.

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Hyggemama · 31/01/2018 09:19

Have you made him aware that recently his behaviour now is the same as it was then? It's nonconsensual sexualisation of you for his and ONLY his gain.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:19

Thanks for your kind message Hyggemama. I don’t like waking up and wondering was it a dream or has he done this and then he won’t admit it unless I’m certain I caught him.

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UserSnoozer · 31/01/2018 09:20

Not saying what he did was right, but maybe you woke up and didn't remember and DID send him mixed signals? Always possible...

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:20

That’s a good point, i’m going to talk to him when he gets in. I could cry but I won’t because I don’t want baby picking up on my emotions.

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Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:21

UserSnoozer I would have thought that if this was the first time jt has happened. I wish that was the case.

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