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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH touching me in my sleep!?!

68 replies

MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 08:22

Hello (name changed for privacy)

I’ve been suspecting for awhile that dh has been touching me when I’m asleep. I spoke to him about how I would hate it and it would break trust for me and is not my idea of fun. However it’s still going on. Last night I woke up to him touching me. Where do I go from here? I love dh is every other way and don’t want to break up but I don’t want this to continue.

OP posts:
Darcychu · 31/01/2018 09:21

Tbb i think your just dating a creeper sorry x

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:22

We’re not dating (we’re married with a baby). Sad

OP posts:
Hyggemama · 31/01/2018 09:24

Have you heard of gas lighting? It's a technique perpetrators of domestic abuse use where they basically make their partner feel like they are losing it and question their experiences as real. Perhaps he isn't consciously or deliberately doing this to be abusive or controlling but it is. And he needs this telling to him in no uncertain terms.

cakecakecheese · 31/01/2018 09:24

He clearly has some severe issues regarding sex. I hate to be an alarmist but he filmed you without permission, he's touched you in your sleep, aren't you concerned about what he'll do next? He needs some actual proper treatment.

Lemond1fficult · 31/01/2018 09:25

Hi Op, having read your post about him also filming you years ago, that makes me think this isn't just a one-off weird incident of behaviour, and he hasn't changed in the slightest.

He has no respect for your body and your boundaries. He'll trample all over them, if he thinks you won't know about it, because he sees you as 'his' to watch and fondle as he pleases.

I know leaving isn't simple with a baby, but in your shoes that's what I'd try to do. At the very least, you need to see a counsellor, alone, who can help you reinforce your boundaries, as I can see his arguments have got you doubting yourself, and whether you're making a fuss over nothing.

MonumentalAlabaster · 31/01/2018 09:38

He has no respect for your body and your boundaries...
He sees you as "his" to watch and fondle as he pleases

I think Lemon1difficult has put it very succinctly here OP. The filming is very disturbing - it's predatory creepy behaviour

1DAD2KIDS · 31/01/2018 09:39

This is completely not ok if your not ok with it. It maybe something that breaks the relationship if he does not stop and/or it's a condition of intimacy he is not happy with. At the end of the day it's your right to feel safe and secure in your own home. You should not comprise on that.

Personally I would not feel very happy or intimate in a relationship where this was not a perfectly consented thing both ways. It would be for me a failure of intimacy and trust.

DarkPeakScouter · 31/01/2018 09:46

You poor thing - yes speak to him about it

badabing36 · 31/01/2018 09:46

I don’t want to alarm you op, but it seems like this is escalating and could get worse. I understand how difficult it must be to confront this with a little baby, and how tempting it must be to ignore it.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 09:48

Thanks all for your advice. I’ll have a serious talk with him tonight. This behaviour is really out of character for him (he’s honestly the nicest person normally and he’s a great dad too.) I’ll recommed he gets some therapy and doesn’t deny his behaviour anymore

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 31/01/2018 09:56

I’d say that I’ve been pretty clear about how I feel, and he can safely assume that unless I have woken up, said I’m completelu awake and really turned on let’s do this, then there isn’t consent. You shouldn’t need this level of discussion with your partner so you are sleeping on the sofa while you think about it. Let me know when you have an opinion that recognises I’m a person.

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2018 10:29

He's really really not a nice person

TammySwansonTwo · 31/01/2018 10:45

It isn't out of character though - you say you caught him filming you, and you've caught him touching you in your sleep. He has a pattern of very problematic behaviour, and what's he done that you're not aware of?

It may seem like he can't control himself, but he absolutely can - he just doesn't think he has to, he does whatever he wants to do whether you want it or not and gets away with it.

If you want to stay with him, you need to make it very clear to him that he is committing sexual assault, and that you will not stay in a situation where someone who's supposed to love you is assaulting you. I think he needs help, personally. This isn't how you treat someone you love.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 10:47

Thanks for you honesty. Yes I’m going to be laying some firm boundaries down and making it clear if I catch him behaving this way again I can’t be with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 10:48

When I say out of character I just mean he is a good dad and a good partner in every other way.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/01/2018 11:00

He's fundamentally not a good partner

A good partner ensures you consent before he touches you

A good partner does not molest you when you're asleep

A good partner does not film you without your consent

A good dad does not do any of the above to the mother of his child

FlyMaybe · 31/01/2018 11:11

What Shoxfordian said.

The covert filming would have made me pack my bags, OP.

He's not a good man. He's a deceitful, gaslighting predator. Get out while you can.

SerPants · 31/01/2018 11:12

He's fundamentally not a good partner

A good partner ensures you consent before he touches you

A good partner does not molest you when you're asleep

A good partner does not film you without your consent

A good dad does not do any of the above to the mother of his child

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, but I'm afraid I agree with the above. And I certainly wouldn't want to bring up a child in this environment.

RLOU88 · 31/01/2018 11:14

I had his issue with an ex of mine and I let it go on for 6 years (stupidly) he almost made me feel like it was his right. I used to wake up to him touching himself and the covers completely off me so he could get an eyeful! I’m shocked at how many men seem to do this to their partners. I hope you get it resolved and he stops knowing how uncomfortable it makes you. Mine didn’t and is now happily an ex!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 31/01/2018 11:48

But it's not out of character and he is not a good partner, you are minimising this. He recorded you and molests you in your sleep and blames you, he is a dirty creep. Honestly after hearing about the recording I would have his bags packed for him.

Someone who needs to go to the gp because they masturbate too much, someone who records his wife and molests her in her sleep is not normal

ThisLittleKitty · 31/01/2018 12:57

My ex use to do this aswell. Even have sex with me when I was asleep (obviously it woke me up) I find it creepy. At the time I didn't think too much of it I guess I just thought it was "normal." It's was afterwards I realised wow that really wasn't ok.

badabing36 · 31/01/2018 18:50

Hope it goes well for you op. Flowers

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 31/01/2018 18:57

Good luck op. For god’s sake don’t let him minimise this behaviour. He KNOWS it is wrong.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 19:08

Thanks for your support all, talking to him tonight. I’ll update later on or tomorrow. Thanks again x

OP posts:
Layla8 · 01/02/2018 00:02

Well, I can see I’m going to get flamed , but here goes........ I love it when my DH touches me whilst I’m sleeping, I probably do it to him as well. Sometimes it ends up with us having lazy, sleepy sex, usually we just go back to our own sides of the bed. It’s our most intimate time.
BUT....if this had happened when the kids were small, and I was exhausted, I would have hated it. Different stages of life I guess.

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