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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH touching me in my sleep!?!

68 replies

MagicRunner · 31/01/2018 08:22

Hello (name changed for privacy)

I’ve been suspecting for awhile that dh has been touching me when I’m asleep. I spoke to him about how I would hate it and it would break trust for me and is not my idea of fun. However it’s still going on. Last night I woke up to him touching me. Where do I go from here? I love dh is every other way and don’t want to break up but I don’t want this to continue.

OP posts:
RLOU88 · 01/02/2018 00:11

That’s something you clearly enjoy, so that’s fine. OP and others (myself included) hadn’t reciprocated the act and even spoken up previously about it not feeling right, so it’s a different situation completely.

ThisLittleKitty · 01/02/2018 00:14

I think it's totally different if you like it and that's up to you and you've obviously made it clear to your oh that you like it. The op hasn't (neither did I in my situation) infact the op has spoke to him about not liking it before and he has ignore that.

scallopsrgreat · 01/02/2018 00:22

Layla it really doesn’t matter what you’d like or dislike. The OP doesn’t want her partner doing that. She has told him on numerous occasions and he is deliberating ignoring her. That’s the problem. Not the stage of life she’s at but the fact she has a husband who enjoys crossing her boundaries (in more ways than one).

Dangerous man, OP.

Original poster
MagicRunner · 01/02/2018 06:36

Thanks all x, update:

I had a chat (well dh initiated it before I got to say anything.) He was and is very upset about his behaviour caused by some very deep rooted issues in his past. He’s swore he won’t ever do it again and swore he will treat me better. Thanks again for all of your messages and it’s crazy how common this seems to be. It’s wrong, disrespectful and more importantly non consented to. He was very sorry for anything he’s done wrong in the past and now, he seemed to really mean it; hope he can follow through with it. Time will tell.

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/02/2018 07:21

No offense but he is a liar, stay with by all means but make him get help, he is sorry he got caught not sorry he did it, big difference. Tell him he gets help and if it happens again you are going to the police. Please stand up for yourself

Shoxfordian · 01/02/2018 07:21

How many more chances are you going to give him? I expect you'll be back here in another month with a new name for the same advice. Just to give him another chance.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/02/2018 07:22

God even the way you are giving him kudos for bringing it up first shows how manipulated you are

Offred · 01/02/2018 07:32

I think it is time to face up to the fact that your husband is getting off on you not consenting and that is why he filmed you and is touching you when you are sleeping.

Whether he has brought it up and/or apologised or not, IMO you need to be aware of that.

Some people have a paraphilia re non-consensual sex.

IMO he has probably had this all along and it is now escalating because you are vulnerable having just given birth.

His apology and his initiation of the conversation mean nothing if that is what is going on. He will continue to do it and worse.

RLOU88 · 01/02/2018 07:53

Won’t people stop asking for support if they just get the “don’t let us say we told you so” approach when they make a bad ultimate decision (in our opinions?). I would rather wish OP the best and be here for her next time when she has clearly made her choice

badabing36 · 01/02/2018 07:59

Hope things work out for you op Flowers

Original poster
MagicRunner · 01/02/2018 08:04

Thanks RLOU88 Flowers

Thanks all for your honest replies. I’ve been with dh a very long time. I know when he’s lying, being honest and genuine and being deceitful. He was and is very disappointed in himself. The filming thing was a very long time ago and he has never done it again and knows it was wrong. This instance he also knows he as wrong and admitted he’s been in a very bad place and that he has behaved appallingly. He doesn’t and won’t be that person. When he was like this the last time he never did it again. I don’t think he will. If I’m wrong than the relationship will be over. No more chances and he knows this.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicRunner · 01/02/2018 08:04

Thanks bada x

OP posts:
Offred · 01/02/2018 08:17

I appreciate what you said in your last post but I also think that this is a man with two incidences of seeking different kinds of non-consensual sexual stimulation in his history.

This implies that having stopped (though how can you be sure?) filming you, during a period of stress he has escalated to actual non-consensual touching.

It may be true that he is horrified but if it is a compulsion that doesn’t mean it will stop/won’t get worse.

Offred · 01/02/2018 08:24

What are the issues in his past?

Iooselipssinkships · 01/02/2018 09:43

You think you know him but you really don't. Can you really stay with a man who when he's going through a stressful period sexually assaults you?
Words are cheap.

laura65988 · 01/02/2018 09:44

This guy is escalating there's serious red flags here and u're not getting them as u keep saying he's a nice person maybe a nice person but he's sexualy assaulting u in u're sleep and filming u what will it take for u to take this seriously xz

Original poster
MagicRunner · 01/02/2018 10:22

Thanks for your opinions Smilex

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicRunner · 01/02/2018 10:23

I see what everybody is saying and have considered all (believe me.) Time will tell. Thanks again to all you lovely ladies x

OP posts:
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