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Original poster

How do I work out what I want

59 replies

TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 04:09

I'm in a relationship, we've been together over 2 years. Dp sleeps at mine every night (I have a dd).

We're talking about moving in together when dd goes to uni in 18 months, moving to another area nearer my family.

But I sometimes feel I want my house to myself, my bed to myself. I feel I'm tiptoing around sometimes, trying not to upset him. I daren't tell him I'm having doubts or that he should go home because he'll be upset.

I have a history of not speaking up, not saying no. I tolerate sex ... it doesn't work well for me, for whatever reason .. probably ADs. I do it for him, really. Most of the time I didn't mind but recently I feel I've no control over my life, I don't want it to be like this.

I know what the answer is, I just can't do it, can't talk to him. I like him, I think I love him. We get on well. I'm not ready to lose him because I'm not sure of anything. I tried to split up with him a year ago because I thought it wasn't fair to him like this but immediately regretted it. I don't want to be in the same situation and I think I would be. I'm confused and dont know how to work out what I actually want.

OP posts:
Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 04:22

I would hold off on the move for now, you need to talk to your partner and express how you feel, if you can't/don't feel comfortable talking about your concerns now is it realistically going to change when your living together? No! ask for some breathing space suggest he stays at his once a week to allow you that time, if he's reluctant to so then id 're think my situation it will only work if it works for both of you not when ones tolerating the other but not actually happy themselves if your feeling suffocated you need to say xx

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 04:24

Thanks for the reply.

I get that but I've spent so long telling him of course he can stay, I like him being here, how can I now say I don't want him here? Especially when I don't know what I want.

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Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 04:32

Don't think of it as I don't want you here think of it as a positive thing every relationship I believe needs some breathing space you wouldn't be saying go for days it's one night . It may be the best thing for you to have that time to think with a clear mind and him not there, you may realise actually I don't want this or actually I can't bear the thought of not him not being here, if you don't give yourself that chance you'll be in limbo forever wondering. Or it may be a deeper issue you deep down know it's not what you want but don't want to upset your partner which is understandable but until you speak hun you won't know x

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 04:40

I know Sad I just hate upsetting him. He's had an awful life and I wanted to make him happy.

I'm also scared I'm staying with him because i don't like being alone. I know no one in the area, only dd, and work from home so little chance to get to know people.

What I do know is that I fancy him, for want of a better word. I'm very average looking and overweight and he's gorgeous. We met online and told each other we loved each other after a LOT of chatting before even meeting.

Like I said he's had a tough life and I feel very protective towards him.

Sorry I'm struggling to explain how I feel.

OP posts:
princesssparkle1 · 31/01/2018 04:43

I think I love him. We get on well. I'm not ready to lose him

You don't

Not well enough

You're not ready for anything atm, Dial it right down.

Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 04:49

Aww don't think down about yourself hun x I can relate to where your coming from I've had similar situations in the past. Do you think maybe because you work from home, spend most time at home your feeling a bit closed in? Maybe look up some local groups that you have interest in push yourself out there try it out it may be a new outlet, even if it's a confidence boosting class it may be beneficial, talk to your partner maybe take small steps day by day if it's easier rather than full on if your more comfortable that way? Can I ask are you north or south Wales? Do you speak Welsh? X

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 04:51

I don't really have any interests that would involve attending a group. Plus spend all my time with dp.

I'm in South Wales but not originally from here. Unfortunately I don't speak Welsh, I only know a few words.

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Hidingtonothing · 31/01/2018 04:54

I have a history of not speaking up, not saying no.

This is the crux of your problem and means you're right to be questioning moving in with DP. The good news is you have 18 months to work on it so you're in a better position to be able to speak up before any final decisions need to be made.

First thing I would do is look into getting some therapy, you need someone with experience in low self esteem and confidence and assertiveness issues. I don't know your financial position but if private therapy isn't an option look into places like Relate or any Christian organisations local to you (you don't have to be religious) who offer counselling. Those places will be more geared towards relationship counselling but may still be able to help you.

For now I would take up an activity (an exercise class, book club, whatever else you can think of!) to carve out some time to yourself, maybe something you can claim exhausts you so there's no point in him coming over afterwards? That might be a way of getting some space without worrying you've upset him.

I daren't tell him I'm having doubts or that he should go home because he'll be upset.

This statement worried me a bit (as did what you said about sex), is that because he's reacted badly to things in the past or just because you struggle to voice your feelings? Just trying to be sure this is all coming from you and there's not an element of control/abuse by your DP. If he's a good guy and there are no other issues there's loads you can do to build up your confidence and ability to talk to him but you need to do it before you think about moving in with him. If the two of you are setting up a home and a life together you need to make sure both your needs are met and for that you need to be able to talk.

Hidingtonothing · 31/01/2018 04:56

Cross post, I see classes won't work for you, take up running? Smile

Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 05:00

Going from what you're saying you need a breather if all your time is together its natural to feel this way. I understand you saying you feel protective of your partner because of what he's been through, but you can't suffer because of it you're doing both of you no favours, I can understand this is difficult for you but without talking to him its not going to change, don't be afraid of being alone! Sometimes it's better to find your self and start again than trying to fix something with an empty heart x

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 05:02

Thanks. I've tried some counselling but didn't really get anything out of it. They seemed to get a mental picture of what I'm like that wasn't really me iyswim. I also have a habit of saying I'm fine and agreeing with what they say.. then realising afterwards I don't agree but it's too late then.

He's a nice guy, not abusive at all. We went through a rough patch last year and I worked hard at making him happy afterwards, reassuring him that everything was ok. Now I realise for me it possibly isn't ok and i can't bear to put him through it again. Plus i may not get another chance. When he's unhappy he gets stressed and ill, I've tried to avoid this happening. I don't want to be responsible for him feeling ill and I dont want him to be ill Sad

I know it sounds pathetic but because we've been together all the time, every single day for 2 years, and because he knows I know no one and have no hobbies, it'll seem odd to him if I suddenly join a group and don't see him. He'll take it personally I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 05:03

I'm scared of throwing it all away and then realising it was what I wanted after all.

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Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 05:04

I don't seem able to work out what I want or how I feel.

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Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 05:10

Do you do/go anywhere as a couple? Or are you literally with each other 24/7 same in the same space dose he not have hobbies that he dose or goes anywhere without you?

1DAD2KIDS · 31/01/2018 05:12

I think this is a common thing in relationships, people not honestly expressing them self. Sometimes relationships don't feel like a safe space to truly speak your mind. Maybe to protect do from hurt or because you fear it puts your relationship at risk. But I would say you must speak up! I think not speaking up and expressing your feeling is terrible for your relationship and will manifest it's self in bad ways.

So be brave and speak your mind. If it is a deal breaker, then that is one of them. You both want different things from life. If you don't speak up it will end in a far unhappier outcome.

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 05:14

We have a couple of hours apart in the evening when he goes home and I spend time with my dd or read, watch tv etc. Otherwise we're together all the time. We rarely do anything other than occasionally visit his parents. We're both strapped for money and he's very anxious and doesn't like going out much. I quite like going out for a drink or a meal but can't really afford to even if he wanted to.

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Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 05:27

I really think working on your confidence will make the world of difference to you, speak to your partner honesty is the best way forward, if your both constantly together your not having your time , personally I think people should still have their personal space to breathe and be themselves individually that's what makes a stronger unit together, I feel you don't know what you want or how you feel because your not given the time or oppurtunity to, and afraid to ask for something that can be valuable to 're discovering who you are and what you want hun x

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 05:28

Yes i think you're right. I'm just not sure how to become more confident.

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Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 05:33

First step forward look up a support group or make an appointment with gp today! And see what they can refer you to. Grab the oppurtunity by the balls and say to yourself i got this i Will be ok xx

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 05:36

Thanks Lady. I don't think my gp will be much use, and not sure where I'll find a support group but I'll have a look.

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Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 06:04

I've just found the groups and courses on the Mind website and I've emailed them for details. They have an art course and a singing group that i might enjoy if there is a space.

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Ladyglittersparkles83 · 31/01/2018 06:06

Thats great! focus on the positivity x

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 06:10

It's a start! Now I've got to get a place on the course then tell him I'm going! Wish me luck.

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Cuban8 · 31/01/2018 06:19

Reading all your posts , there are two tings that stand out above the rest:

  1. your primary driver seems to be to make him happy. In itself, this may seem very giving and lovely, but by focusing on someone else's happiness, you are giving away your own. One guaranteed way to make yourself unhappy is to try and make everyone else happy. EVERYONE is responsible for their own happiness: you for yours, him for his, me for mine. Of course it's lovely to do nice things for others, but when making someone else happy becomes the focus, it can be self destructive

  2. "I've tried some counselling but didn't really get anything out of it. They seemed to get a mental picture of what I'm like that wasn't really me iyswim. I also have a habit of saying I'm fine and agreeing with what they say.. then realising afterwards I don't agree but it's too late then." ....... I'm going to be really blunt. Your not being honest. Not with yourself, not with you DP, not with the counsellor (on the limited times you have seen him/her). If you haven't been able to be honest ("I also have a habit of saying I'm fine and agreeing ........ then realising afterwards I don't agree") with the counsellor, then you can't say you have given counselling a chance. I think you have a LOT about yourself you need to come to terms with (most of us do!)

I'm sure your DP is a lovely man. You risk losing him by not being honest.

I hope I haven't been too blunt.

Original poster
TheWelshDragon · 31/01/2018 10:06

I agree Sad I just don't know how to be any different Sad

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