How do I work out what I want

[TheWelshDragon]

I'm in a relationship, we've been together over 2 years. Dp sleeps at mine every night (I have a dd).

We're talking about moving in together when dd goes to uni in 18 months, moving to another area nearer my family.

But I sometimes feel I want my house to myself, my bed to myself. I feel I'm tiptoing around sometimes, trying not to upset him. I daren't tell him I'm having doubts or that he should go home because he'll be upset.

I have a history of not speaking up, not saying no. I tolerate sex ... it doesn't work well for me, for whatever reason .. probably ADs. I do it for him, really. Most of the time I didn't mind but recently I feel I've no control over my life, I don't want it to be like this.

I know what the answer is, I just can't do it, can't talk to him. I like him, I think I love him. We get on well. I'm not ready to lose him because I'm not sure of anything. I tried to split up with him a year ago because I thought it wasn't fair to him like this but immediately regretted it. I don't want to be in the same situation and I think I would be. I'm confused and dont know how to work out what I actually want.

Is it acceptable to say, I'm not sleeping well, would you mind sleeping at yours tonight? Bearing in mind he hasn't spent a single night there since I think October. Sorry for the stupid question, I literally no longer know what is acceptable. He told me we need to be able to sleep together if we're going to live together so since then I daren't say anything. Most of the time I sleep ok, but ive got all this going round in my head keeping me awake night after night and end up on the sofa at 3 a.m.

You can't have a relationship where you dare not say what you feel.

From what you say, you're not comfortable saying what you feel to most people. I'd suggest that unless this changes, you'll continue to live your life by other people's rules. Is that what you want?

I don't mind. I just want to feel happy.

Good luck with it I hope it's the start of something for you

I really think you need to do some work on yourself before having a relationship. Sorry.
But if you can't talk to your DP and tell them how you feel then you are not having a real relationship.
You need to talk and be honest. If he can't cope then that is his problem.
I suspect you could do with some counselling to find out why you are such a people pleaser and to help you build some boundaries and some self worth. My DC might not want an injection, and it might hurt in the short term, but I'd still have it done to protect her long term. Similarly she might want to play with a box of detergent, and cry if I say "No" but I still wouldn't let her.
Your DP might be confused because you've said one thing but it wasn't true. But starting to be honest and regain some space is the best thing you can do, for both of you.

You say you don’t live together, yet he stays over at yours every night. He has already moved in with you. Did he ask you if it was ok for him to stay every night, or did it just sort of happen? Is he paying his share of groceries/utilities?

I know I'm a mess. I've been severely depressed for years and years but pretending everything's ok and now I have finally found ADs that work which I think is at last enabling me to look at my life.

He didn't really ask. Early in our relationship I wanted him to spend more time with me but he wasn't ready. I think he presumed I still wanted that but in the meantime things had changed a little somehow. But like I dais I can't really think straight, can't work out how I feel. I came out of a very long relationship so hadn't lived alone in a long time, although the relationship had been over for a while but I stayed because of dd and the house we had to sell. Now I like having my own space. But I'm aware that paying two rents when we could live together is ridiculous. When dd finishes school and goes to uni we wanted to move closer to my family and buy somewhere together (alone I'll never be able to buy).

Sorry forgot to say he contributes mainly towards the household but is also saving for a future house.

Someone commented on my counselling earlier .. i find it very hard to admit things aren't great, always put on a brave face, not sure when that started but i don't say I'm Fine when Im not on purpose, it just happens, i only realise afterwards.

I really think you are going to have to be a big girl and ask him for space.
It might well be all far too soon for you, and you may not have realised that initially. If he is a keeper he will be willing to step things back and wait.
Has your GP suggested counselling for your depression? In my area there is even telephone/online counselling which you can self refer for.
I would suspect probably roots in your childhood added to which are the consequences of your long term relationship.

Paying two rents is not ridiculous, moving someone in too soon is! Especially when you have a child.

I would write him a letter being honest with your feelings. A relationship is about making both people happy. Most couples I know, even those besotted with each other, enjoy their own space. If you can't be honest with him, then all it's doing is making the time you spend together not enjoyable. Whereas if you're open with him and he respects it, you'll really enjoy the time that you spend together.

Just because you haven't gone to groups or done activities in the time you've been together, it doesn't mean you can't start now. I would make that my first priority. Get out and meet people and start making friends and having a life outside of your house. How about looking for a job outside the house?

I am just concerned for you in that you can not (or have great difficulty to) say “no”. This leaves you open to be taken advantage of in many different ways.

If you are not up for sex, say not now. It is not his right to have sex when ever he wants regardless of how you feel about it. If he dumps you for saying no occasionally then you are well rid, imho. If he gets upset, that is his choice for his behavior. It isn’t your job to erase your boundaries, your wants or dislikes, just because he “has needs” or wants something from you. The impression I got from your posts is that he is using you for whatever he wants knowing you won’t say no.

If you think your choices have effects of him being upset or becoming ill, then, with all due respect, you are wrong. His responses are all up to him. You would not have upset him; he chose to be upset. This is manipulation 101. You have every right to have a personal boundary to choose to not be manipulated. His response or reaction is his responsibility. If he throws his toys out of the pram then...so what!

Sleep! No, it is not a given that people who live together, sleep together. If this is his mandatory standard, then you may be looking at a fundamental incompatibility. This isn’t anyone’s fault- but would be a reason to dial back the relationship (if not ultimately end it). Sleep is so important! Sleep deprivation is a recognized form of torture. If you need your own bed then you need your own bed: he should respect that.

No, it is not rediculous to pay two rents. You need your space. Do not give it up because he is brainwashing you to his way of thinking and unilaterally deciding things that affect you.

Tell him that the holidays were fun having him there so much, but now that the holidays are over, he needs to go back to his. He can spend the weekends at yours but you need your bed alone Sunday through Thursday nights. This follows school nights and would also be better for your dc.

Actually, I think you've articulated very well what you want but the burden of being responsible for your bf's happiness, coupled with your fear of speaking your truth, is far too much for you.

You get lost in the fog of trying to please everyone and that isn't healthy for everyone involved. Take baby steps, start carving out space in your life just for you, two days in the week. Asking for space isn't a criticism of your bf but an acknowledgement that you need space to be a better more relaxed you.

Thank you for all the replies and helpful advice. We have talked this afternoon, he did get a bit upset and told me the same as before - how can we live together in the future if I can't do it now? I explained I just needed to see how i felt if i slept better, that it wasn't a personal slight or me splitting up with him. Now it remains to be seen whether he takes me seriously. In the past when I've said something similar he doesn't want he's chosen to ignore it or asked again if we can do it his way. Today I'm standing my ground - I need to sleep!!

Ah well done on speaking up well proud for you I hope he takes it on board now x

Well done you. If he truly loves you then your happiness, health and welfare will trump his own. Saying you want time to chill, sleep, read or see your DD on your own is looking after your own needs and is healthy.

You're not excluding him from your life, you're just having some time to yourself too for whatever you want and need. Most couples crave, need and thrive on having some independent time too.

You could also say that when you do move into together it's on the condition that there is a spare/guest room that you can retreat to occasionally to catch up on your sleep. That you look forward to moving in together one day so long as you have the option of sleeping separately if needed. (I too am planning on moving in with DP one day and this is something I need and he understands. Being tired and not getting alone time is not an attractive future proposition for me.) It's no reflection upon him. As the old saying goes "It's not you, it's me".

In the past when I've said something similar he doesn't want he's chosen to ignore it or asked again if we can do it his way. Today I'm standing my ground - I need to sleep!!

If he doesn't respond to what you said - then he probably isn't a keeper anyway... Sorry. You talking to him, and him listening to you are both crucial for a proper relationship.

he did get a bit upset and told me the same as before - how can we live together in the future if I can't do it now?

He is bulldozing you. Red flag. He is taking advantage. This is also revealed when he ignores you and is dismissive towards anything you say. I agree with Bekabeech : he isn’t a keeper.

Thanks

He does listen, but doesn't always hear what I'm saying. He's insecure too and always thinks the worst.

He apologised for overreacting and I explained this isn't the end of the relationship, just me making sure I get some sleep and can do what I want sometimes in my own home.

Not sure about a spare room when we move in together, we'll see. I need to think about it. I do like the closeness of sharing a bed - most of the time.

It does sound all positive. Glad he's listening now. We compromise. Spend the evening in bed. film, glass of wine, sex and cuddles. Then when I'm sleepy I pop next door to my bed if I'm especially tired and need an uninterrupted night's rest.

Sounds good .. that would mean booting him out though when he's warm and sleepy .. don't think he'd go.

OP IN the nicest possible way- your thread reads like an online counselling session. You are recognising your blind spots, your triggers and you have some insight into what you want ( and what you don't want). The answer is staring you in front of the face - be brave!!!

Yes I think I do know what I need to do. I'm just not very brave. I hate saying no to people and hate upsetting people, especially loved ones. But I'm trying now. Have to stay strong when its bedtime later

By being brave you're building a stronger, better and more satisfying relationship which has more potential to go the distance and be successful.