How do I work out what I want

[TheWelshDragon]

I'm in a relationship, we've been together over 2 years. Dp sleeps at mine every night (I have a dd).

We're talking about moving in together when dd goes to uni in 18 months, moving to another area nearer my family.

But I sometimes feel I want my house to myself, my bed to myself. I feel I'm tiptoing around sometimes, trying not to upset him. I daren't tell him I'm having doubts or that he should go home because he'll be upset.

I have a history of not speaking up, not saying no. I tolerate sex ... it doesn't work well for me, for whatever reason .. probably ADs. I do it for him, really. Most of the time I didn't mind but recently I feel I've no control over my life, I don't want it to be like this.

I know what the answer is, I just can't do it, can't talk to him. I like him, I think I love him. We get on well. I'm not ready to lose him because I'm not sure of anything. I tried to split up with him a year ago because I thought it wasn't fair to him like this but immediately regretted it. I don't want to be in the same situation and I think I would be. I'm confused and dont know how to work out what I actually want.

There are some very good points being made here, the most important imo being talking to each other! And also saying how you feel, whether it be with your dp or counsellor. If you say everything is ok then you are giving them the impression that everything is ok. I dont think the knee-jerk get rid of him comments help though, like you say you tried that before and then regretted it. Best to talk and be open, which is what you have now done by the sound of things. Hope it works out for your both.

I did find what you said at the beginning slightly alarming though, about liking him, maybe loving him. You fancy him, but not sure if you love him. You said you fear youre with him because you dont want to be on your own? I dont think thats been very fair on your dp. And you mention that he's saving to buy a house for you when your dd goes to uni as another reason to stay with him. This sounds like youre stringing him along possibly, and I dont agree with that. Staying with someone because you dont want to be on your own, or because theyre buying a house for you to live in, is not ok. If you dont love dp you should tell him and put an end to it, not drag it out any longer.

Dont take this as a person attack, its not. I just dont think youre being fair to your dp. I could understand it if youd just met and you fancied him but werent sure if it was more, but this is 2 years on and youre basically living together.

I'm not stringing him along because he's saving to buy a house! I've been through a very difficult time, I like him a lot but don't know if I love him - at this moment in time. Probably because its all been very difficult, he's a very complex person, quite difficult, and so am I. How do you know if you love someone anyway?? I'd settle for a good friendship, being strongly attracted to him and getting on well.

We actually had a long talk and I feel much happier about things.

A lot of the time I feel I have to be happy and not say anything because he's very sensitive and gets upset easily, takes everything very personally. I don't like upsetting him so say nothing. I've not felt myself for a while, probably menopause related, and put him through a rough time last year when I was very highly strung, crying a lot and struggling with the changes i was going through. I've calmed down now and want this relationship to work, to be able to be myself and be liked as myself.

Anyway we talked, he stayed at his two nights and I caught up a bit on sleep and felt a bit better.

However he is strangely now ill and I do think it's to do with being upset. I hate that it makes him ill when i change things.

But I think he understands a bit now and hopefully this is a good place to move forward from.

Its good that youve talked and sorted things out, and he listened, thats brilliant. I was actually defending you by saying not to listen to the knee-jerk responses on here and finishing it, and it looks like you didnt do that and instead talked and this time he's understood what you said and has given you space, which like I say is great, and a vindication of talking and persevering and not doing something knee-jerk like some of the responses on here were basically saying to do. From what you said about finishing with him last year and regretting it, I could tell that it wasnt the right thing to do this time either, as there is obviously something there worth saving. So well done! To both of you!

I apologise if it sounded like I was saying you were just stringing him along about the house, it might have come across a bit too hard on you. In response to what you said about how do you know if you love someone? I think you just know. Could you imagine you life without him? If something happened to him would you be heart broken? My issue isnt whether you love him or whether you just fancy him and get along with him, its whether he loves you and tells you he loves you? I imagine you then say the same back? Which is basically a lie, its not true. Youre telling him something to keep him hanging on. Youre telling him you love him when in fact you have a fear of being alone, or youre thinking about your future and getting a house, youre thinking about these things and thinking its good to have him around in those instances, its good for you. But its dishonest because youre making him believe you have feelings when you dont. And the poor sap doesnt know any different. I truly feel sorry for him. If you told him how you feel, that you dont love him but you like him and hes nice looking, and its better than being on your own, how do you think he'd take it? You know very well how he'd take it, and thats why you're being dishonest about it, and me personally, I think its dishonest and a bit cruel. But thats my opinion. You can justify your behaviour however you want.

I am sorry but are you sure you are not being taken advantage of here?

You don’t make him ill by asserting your own needs, that is just not possible. If you want the relationship to work with you being yourself, rather than pandering to his needs, he is going to have to get over these strange illnesses.

Like I said, I'm not stringing him along. I have very intense feelings for him, when we split up last year I missed him unbearably. I want to be with him. I just think I'm uncertain because things have been very difficult and because my head felt like I couldn't think clearly for over a year. If I was certain that I couldn't spend my life with him I would tell him. Last year I thought that was the case and that's why I ended the relationship.

I understand what you're saying but I'm not stringing him along being dishonest. I'm trying to get my head straight before making a decision I'd regret. As I now feel much better after we clarified a few things, I think it was the right decision.

I'm not explaining my feelings very well and I'll stop now because I don't think I can express myself any better. I'm not out to hurt him, the very opposite in fact. I just don't have anything to compare how I feel to.

So can I just check - every time you say something he doesn’t like or assert your own needs, he becomes ill ?

So you try not to do these things because you feel guilty about him being ill and feel that’s it’s your fault .

Is that right ?

Well, of course you cannot think clearly - you are living with a man who needs to be told to respect your personal space and who gets ill when he has to do it (so you shy away from expressing your needs); and on the other hand, you have intense feelings for him which seem to have led to you losing a sense of yourself as a person.

Do you both work? Do you have lives outside each other? It all sounds very claustrophobic. I would be struggling to breathe, let alone think