Should I call my wedding off?

[gollyb]

Hi, This is my first thread..seeking advice. Had a terrible three weeks with my dad being in hospital with cancer and finally passing away. Had the funeral last week. I'm engaged with wedding dates planned but confused with my DPs recent behaviour. I live in the UK and my family and DP's family live in India. I was in India the last three weeks and in hospital with my dad. My DP came from the UK for the funeral. On the day of the funeral just before the ceremony he called me to aside and asked whether he could ask me something, and I said yes. His request was whether I could could come and chat and cheer up his mum who was apparently having a headache. TBH there were such a crowd that i didn't even realise that i didn't chat to her enough on the day (and his family was in and out of our house the previous couple of days) and everything was kind of a daze being a family funeral. I was initially quite taken aback with the usual request but just went through the motions at the time in going to my intended M-I-L with Paracetamol, glass of water and asking how she was etc etc (who was now surrounded by her husband, her daughter and my beaming DP and looking quite chuffed with all the attention). i even touched her forehead to check the temp (not sure why I did that! ). However, now after giving some thought about the events of the day, I have a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach about my DP and his poor judgement (?) and behaviour at a funeral in asking me to attend on his mother over a headache and need for attention when I was actually just about to bury my dad and in one of my lowest moments. I feel quite let down, annoyed, and not sure what to do. Not sure whether this is a glimpse of our future... and should I cut my losses now and run when I still can? Please, any advise is welcome. Thanks

I'd call off the wedding, yes.

I think the fact you are questioning marrying him means you know the answer to this.

Has anything like this happened before? If it has, definitely consider your future carefully.

Sorry for the loss of your dad.

Honestly? I think I would feel the same as you.

Have you spoken to him about it? If he is appalled with himself, super apologetic, totally gets it AND is generally a thoughtful and caring person, then maybe let it go.

But is this really a one off, OP? It sounds like his expectation is that your loyalty should be to him and his family now you two are getting married. Has this shown itself in any other ways?

This would bother me too. I would speak to him, tell him you felt it was an inappropriate request in the circumstances, and see what he says. If he apologies profusely and acknowledges how wrong it was, then maybe there's hope. If not, then I wouldn't be wanting to marry him.

Bunting op.
She has made it very clear to you that even in your darkest moments, your dp is prepared to put his dm first.
Walk away, you will never be happy with such a man.

You and DP will be in UK and MIL in India?
Do you need to call off the wedding or will putting back the date give you enough thinking time to see how it pans out. Then decide.

Don't make rushed decisions when you are grieving.

I find that incident pretty chilling. It sound like he was making a point - even at a family funeral, when your own feelings may be overwhelming, your priority is going to be him, his needs, his family, whatever he tells you to do.

Don't marry him. He will treat you like dirt.

It does sound incredibly selfish. Have you told him how he made you feel? I agree with the op that now is a difficult time to take big decisions but if he doesn’t apologise after you tell him how upset you were, I think you’d be justified in calling it a day. It’s not a good start to your life together.

Run like the wind.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad You must still be reeling from it.

What you need, and deserve, is a partner who stands by you when life throws you a tragedy. You know that, and his behaviour is sending off warning alarms because even when you were most in need, he took you away from your family to pander to his mother, when they both should have known better.

It's often a single moment or event which changes how you see things. How has he been generally?

Wow - that was really selfish of your DP to even ask you that.
What on earth was he thinking?
I'd be sooo pissed off about this too OP. It is not OK.
Is this the first time this kind of thing has happened?
Is there a back story?
But I always say trust your gut.
If you are feeling like this is something that may not work for you based on this behaviour then that is your deal breaker and you can call it all off.

My advice is to trust your gut instinct. I hope I'm not going to get flamed here but as a person in a culturally mixed marriage, I know that there is a certain type of mother-in-law who sees it as a point of principle to have their daughter-in-law at their beck and call. It's like "you're part of my family now, you'll do as I say" (what am I saying, it's not even a cultural thing, just spend an afternoon reading the boards here!).
If you think you can have an honest conversation about this with your fiancé, that's a good place to start. If not, call it off sooner rather than later, before the full Indian-wedding-machine is in motion. Trust yourself X

Sorry for your loss Golly.

OP, this sounds very odd. Have you not spent time with his MIL before now?

I don't think you are reading too much into this, it could well be a sign of things to come.

I would postpone at the very least for now.

Oh god.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Your fiancé's priority should have been supporting you on that sad day,not expecting you to tend to his family's whims. It speaks volumes ... basically you and your family will be right at the bottom of his priorities.

I would be raging tbh. I buried my Dad a couple of years ago and if my DH had asked me to dance attendance on his mother with TWO of her own able bodied children at her side I'd have been seething.

Sorry about your father x

When your DP came to India did he help you organizing arrangements, looking after people attending the funeral?

It does scream that his MIL wanted attention even though your father was being mourned and that your DP took precedence over you for your mother.

I would start with having a conversation with your DP to see if he recognizes that he was inappropriate. It will be very telling of his future expectations.

That would be a deal breaker for me. Stupendously insensitive of him.

Goodness me OP I'm so sorry for your loss

It is a very of odd and horrible thing for him to do. What is he usually like? Was it some momentary rush of blood to the head or is he often like this now you think about it?

Sorry meant that he took precedence over you for his mother

I'm very sorry for your loss
I too find his behaviour very sinister, he was definitely trying to make a point of some sort. No way would I marry this man-I'm certain if you have a real think about it this won't have been an isolated incident.

So very sorry for your loss. I do think though that this is a difficult situation to comment on as culturally the way family behave in India compared to western countries is very different.

It must be very difficult finding a balance between traditional and modern living. Maybe you need a talk with him about how much he sees himself living traditionally, compared with how much you see yourself. Eg. When you have babies will he expect his parents to come live with you for 6 months? Would you be horrified at the thought.; Perhaps some counselling to see how much “culturally” you are on the same page could be helpful?

Yes. Your marriage is going to be all about pleasing him and his family. First them, then your children and then will be you. No equality.

But, they stay in India and you and your DH are going to live in the UK then not everything is lost. I would talk to your DP and see his response then draw the conclusion. It may have happened that he, himself didn't have a clear mind to answer his mum back.

I'm very sorry about your dad, gollyb

For me, the thing that gives it away is MIL "looking quite chuffed with all the attention", which surely suggests this was calculated to end the unwelcome attention others were getting and bring it back on herself. Nor does it matter that she's in India and you both in the UK, since if she's encouraged there's every chance she could demand repeated visits for every little thing

I agree with PPs that your fiance's attitude is key, though frankly his expectations on such a day seem to make it quite clear. If he's able to accept, without making silly excuses, how inappropriate this was then that's one thing; however if he's not, I'd be thinking again about marrying him before you get into a situation you'll regret

The correct thing to do was your fiancée telling his mum, you are at your dads funeral and he's needs to support you then get her a paracetamol

I'd be running