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Original poster

Should I call my wedding off?

55 replies

gollyb · 29/01/2018 11:25

Hi, This is my first thread..seeking advice. Had a terrible three weeks with my dad being in hospital with cancer and finally passing away. Had the funeral last week. I'm engaged with wedding dates planned but confused with my DPs recent behaviour. I live in the UK and my family and DP's family live in India. I was in India the last three weeks and in hospital with my dad. My DP came from the UK for the funeral. On the day of the funeral just before the ceremony he called me to aside and asked whether he could ask me something, and I said yes. His request was whether I could could come and chat and cheer up his mum who was apparently having a headache. TBH there were such a crowd that i didn't even realise that i didn't chat to her enough on the day (and his family was in and out of our house the previous couple of days) and everything was kind of a daze being a family funeral. I was initially quite taken aback with the usual request but just went through the motions at the time in going to my intended M-I-L with Paracetamol, glass of water and asking how she was etc etc (who was now surrounded by her husband, her daughter and my beaming DP and looking quite chuffed with all the attention). i even touched her forehead to check the temp (not sure why I did that! Confused). However, now after giving some thought about the events of the day, I have a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach about my DP and his poor judgement (?) and behaviour at a funeral in asking me to attend on his mother over a headache and need for attention when I was actually just about to bury my dad and in one of my lowest moments. I feel quite let down, annoyed, and not sure what to do. Not sure whether this is a glimpse of our future... and should I cut my losses now and run when I still can? Please, any advise is welcome. Thanks

OP posts:
littletinyme1 · 29/01/2018 18:57

Sorry for your Dad and for you fiance prioritising attention -seeking mother above you. This is your life if you stay, complaining about imagines slights at the wedding, demands about your babies not seeing her as much as she wants, your skills as a mother. She will always be whispering in his ear when you need his support most.

Get away now and tell him why.

Huldas · 29/01/2018 19:44

Op my DH behaved appallingly when my dad passed. I had a brand new baby at the time and was in shock for a year, so did nothing. But let me tell you, I question my marriage every day even 10 years on. It did something fundamental to the foundations of our relationship. If I could have that moment over, I would walk.

MrsExpo · 29/01/2018 20:23

OP I am so sorry for your loss. But this just screams “wrong” to me. I would be seriously looking at your DP’s relationship with his mother and how you fit with that. At your fathers funeral he should have been 100% with you, not pandering to his mother’s demands for attention. Please don’t marry him.

userxx · 29/01/2018 20:27

That wasn't about his mother, that was about control. Run for the hills. As Greensleeves said, chilling.

HisuiNatsutachi · 30/01/2018 08:41

Alarm bells are ringing. You were burying your dad and this lady still needed to be the center of attention! A head ache? Wth? Definitely speak to your DP and see what he had been to say about this behaviour. If he doesn't see that there was anything wrong with how his mum acted then tell him you both need to rethink getting married.. or at the least go to counselling together. Good luck xx

ShowMeTheElf · 30/01/2018 09:00

Is there any more to the story OP? is there a cultural reason why he may feel the need to have you 'impress' her and behave in a traditional nurturing way towards her? Are both sets of parents on board with the engagement or was it decided wholly between the two of you? I agree with pp that there's a conversation to be had about the longer term and how his family will interact with yours (you, dh and dc in time) before you commit. As you are in the UK and they aren't it may never be an issue except for occasional visits...and lots of people have very happy marriages which are a bit strained around ILs, so it isn't necessarily a serious problem. You won't find out unless you ask.

springydaffs · 30/01/2018 09:07

This is a cultural thing isn't it?

It looks like this is a foretaste of what to expect in your long life together.

user1497863568 · 30/01/2018 09:12

My Indian husband just told me he thinks you should cancel it because it was a power play. Any one of those surrounding her could have popped out and got her some Paracetamol and a bottle of water from a shop ... but she chose you because even on one if the most tragic days of your life, she wanted to show who will be calling the shots and making endless claims for your sympathy and time. Your prospective DH can't help it if his mother is like that but he could and should have said 'No Ma, I'll go and get you some. Can't you see she is busy/grieving etc?' The fact he didn't do that means he'd probably let his mum walk all over the both of you or worse, he'd actually encourage that kind of behaviour.

ChickenMom · 30/01/2018 09:25

Sorry for the loss of your father. I think the way he and your future mil behaved was appalling and you are setting yourself up for an awful life being involved with this attention seeking and narcissistic family. They could have asked anybody to get her tablets. Why did it have to be you? It was you because your attention was elsewhere and not on them so they flexed their “we own this woman” muscles. It’s up to you but be aware that thus is a glimpse of your life to come. In a way it’s good you’ve seen it before the wedding. You now get to make a choice.

OOOOOOOOOOO · 30/01/2018 09:29

Have you spoken to your partner about this at all? It seems unwise to marry someone who you don't feel you can talk to freely. There are always challenges in any relationship and you need to be able to sort them out. If you can't expect to do this if you can't even talk.

I don't know how much you can blame the MIL. You don't know if she looked chuffed because her evil plan worked out or whether she was just touched that you were being kind to her. IYSWIM It was your partner who asked you help her.

How are you generally with your partner. Are you quiet and compliment. Did he have a reason why he would have expected you to comply with his ridiculous request.

How about delaying the wedding for the time being. Whatever you do please do t settle for this man if you aren't 100% sure. It's not fair on you or any future children.

BTW I'm sorry for the loss of your father

PsychedelicSheep · 30/01/2018 09:32

I was thinking power play too, it was a test to see if you would kowtow to them and they could control you.

I also think you would be wise to cancel the wedding, they’re never going to respect you.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

cordelia16 · 30/01/2018 18:37

Cancel the wedding. His concern and compassion should have been for you on such an incredibly sad day. Shameful behavior, and it won't get better.

Very sorry for your loss. Flowers

ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2018 23:34

Sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Your gut’s telling you something please do listen. She sounds like an attention seeking mil who wants to control you. He sounds like a spineless mama’s boy. Talk to him about it and let him convince you otherwise but don’t marry him unless he genuinely convinces you.

trojanpony · 30/01/2018 23:36

I had a very similar but different experience where my partner “let me down” / didn’t look after me during a bereavement it was very distressing and confusing.

I knew something was off but ignored it at the time.

we ended up breaking up a year later because of a magnified version of the same thing. Namely his inability to meet my needs and put me first.
He came first, then his family, then his friends, then me (if it was convenient)

trojanpony · 30/01/2018 23:37

If unclear - I also think cancel the wedding. It’s a difficult but brave and correct choice

wizzywig · 30/01/2018 23:38

I am not saying this is right but If you are marrying into an asian family yes this is the norm. Your inlaws come first. Your mil having a headache is a sign she is not happy that your head is taken up with all the sad news from your blood family. Its a game that you will have to play if you want peace. Your mil comes first and your status and standing depends on what son you are marrying. I have very bitter experience of this.

Cheekyandfreaky · 30/01/2018 23:48

Just to address some comments above, SOME Indian families and MILs can behave like this as can SOME husbands. Your DH sounds like a heartless prick to do that.

serialcheat · 31/01/2018 00:04

You were burying your beloved Dad, and you were in a heartbroken daze......

You prospective MIL was being a selfish drama queen.....

You DP was being an insensitive DICK !!!!

Join the dots, the result will be similar to the feeling you say you have, in the pit of your stomach.....

Okkitokkiunga · 31/01/2018 00:16

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my Dad recently - 6000 miles away. I was gone for a month. When I got back DH didn't seem to acknowledge I was grieving and that I was having a hard time fitting back Into family life. I spent a few weeks thinking about leaving him - had it all planned. Then I told him how I felt. He hadn't been with me so had no idea of what it had been like. He's not lost a parent so out of his experience zone. He hadn't known what to say or do so did the wrong thing (for me). Once we talked he was fabulous. Before breaking off your engagement give yourself time to grieve and speak to your DP. Perhaps he was behaving
like a knob as he didn't
Know what to do. Perhaps he was trying to distract you. Or perhaps he really is a twat. But talk to him when you're ready before you make a big decision like that. Look after yourself Thanks

Angrybird345 · 31/01/2018 06:56

I’d have serious concerns about marrying him, which means I’d call it off.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 31/01/2018 07:08

My now ex H putting his needs first when I buried both my parents is something that I will never get over.

Just for one day.

Leave him OP, you deserve better.

cabinbag · 31/01/2018 09:50

So sorry you have lost your dad.

The thing is that if this is dh at his best in a youngish relationship and this is the best he can do whilst you are dealing with such a difficult awful situation then he will just get worse. Your partner has to see you more clearly with more compassion than anyone else, they have to want more for you than you do yourself. That is how a good relationship works where you both nurture each other and support pretty equally because you want to do so.

You must feel so let down but really this has bought you clarity and a chance to have a future partner who will nurture you when times are hard. I would not marry this man. You have to prioritise yourself and value yourself and only ever share your life with someone who does the same.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 31/01/2018 10:10

Call it off. He does not see you as his equal. You're only destined to be his skivvy if you stay.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/01/2018 10:15

I wouldn't necessarily cancel the wedding.
Do you think your MIL was exercising her authority in the family ?
Have you told your potential husband, how you feel.
Whatever you do decide Golly, let it be your decision, do it for you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/01/2018 10:18

Meant to say, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Father.
Thinking if you.🌹