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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is sleeping with someone else and I said it was ok

58 replies

CleverQuacks · 27/01/2018 20:44

I am going to try to keep this brief but I also don’t want to drip feed any important information.

I am married and have three beautiful children. We have been married for 6 years, together for 8.

I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder which means that my mental health is very changeable: up and down a lot and has resulted in being admitted to hospital on 2 occasions.

When my mental health is bad I shy away from sex which means at my worst my OH can go months without sex. This was causing a lot of arguments in our relationship because I was unable to meet his sexual needs.

I can’t remember how it came about but we agreed that he could find another woman to meet his needs. I thought this might take some of the pressure off me and ensure his needs were met.

He has been seeing another woman’s and Its been several months. At first I was ok with it but recently when I have tried to be intimate with him he has ignored me and instead gone to see the other woman. He says he wants to be with me but rejects every attempt I make to be physical.

Instead he goes to see her several times a week whilst I stay home with the kids feeling lonely.

I feel such a fool for saying it would be ok and don’t no what to do now. I am scared that if I say he needs to stop seeing her he will leave :(

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 27/01/2018 20:49

Several times a week? Wow no offence but these things are way risky say if he starts getting feelings for her then leaves you?

Joysmum · 27/01/2018 20:51

That’s a big difference to having someone for sex as a release.

This isn’t just sex, he’s in a full blown emotional relationship at the cost of you and your children.

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 27/01/2018 20:51

I think he probably does already have feelings for her and if I said choose one of us I am not confident he would choose me.

I am also really hurting and angry with him for going else where. I know I agreed to it but it hurts that I am not enough for him.

OP posts:
Aridane · 27/01/2018 20:53

Oh, clever, that is absolutely awful

LIZS · 27/01/2018 20:53

He exploited your mh issue to get you to accept him having an affair. That is not a supportive or affectionate thing to do.

leftwiththedognow · 27/01/2018 20:54

Then let him leave, sweetheart. He has put his sexual need first over you in an unbelievably cruel way. It's horrendous behaviour. Every man had a 'right hand' and a few months is neither here nor there when you care about your oh.

Utter scum of a husband.

retirednow · 27/01/2018 20:55

What a dilemma, bit silly to agree he meet someone else, what did you expect would happen. Its all about him and his needs, shouldn't you put yourself first.

ferando81 · 27/01/2018 20:57

He's taking advantage of you while you are ill,using your vulnerability to get you to agree to something you wouldn't normally do.He knows you feel guilty and is using it to his advantage.Im a man and think his behaviour is disgusting

ThisLittleKitty · 27/01/2018 20:58

Yeh it seems he already has feelings what with him seeing her several times a week and she probably has feelings for him. I can't imagine how it must feel sitting there knowing he is with her whilst you look after the kids. That would kill me. I could never be in this situation.

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 27/01/2018 21:01

It is killing me. It was ok at first, to be fair at the time I was probably to ill to take notice of it but now I am quite “well” it is sinking in how crap this is. I just don’t no what the solution is. It feels like there is no way back from this.

OP posts:
leftwiththedognow · 27/01/2018 21:05

I can’t remember how it came about but we agreed that he could find another woman to meet his needs

I'm wondering how you cant remember how this came about. This is a harsh conversation. What was happening at the time?

Dottie39 · 27/01/2018 21:10

Oh you poor thing, he has completely taken advantage of you.
Even if you agreed, surely now you are feeling better it should stop.
I think it's time to end the relationship with him, he has behaved dreadfully and your mental health recovery is going to be impeded by his actions.

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 27/01/2018 21:10

Well I remember it started with him chatting to other women online, sexting and sending pics and then it escalated from there. It’s hard for me to remember things from when I am really unwell. I forget a lot.

OP posts:
EmyRoo · 27/01/2018 21:10

Are you sure he did not already have this other woman lined up? It seems such a callous thing for him to ask for when you were ill, and awful that he is now leaving you several times a week. It’s basically an affair, however it came around. I am so sorry Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/01/2018 21:10

It feels like there is no way back from this.

There might not be. But there's no way forward either, without changes.

If he'd rather be with her, he's likely to leave at some point to be with her. That's unneeded stress for you and your children.

Talk to him; and end this arrangement. It is absolutely fine to change your mind; whether it's to do with your mental health or not. If he leaves, it was going to happen anyway. If he stays, you need a new way to deal with things when you aren't able to have sex with him - which doesn't mean he gets to have sex with other people. And you also need to make sure you can trust him not to take advantage of you; or ask you to make potentially life and relationship changing decisions whilst you're unwell.

Good luck Thanks you deserve more than this.

gillybeanz · 27/01/2018 21:12

Have you told him how you feel? You need to tell him and if he doesn't leave the ow then kick him out.
yes, you gave permission, who's idea was it for the ow.
Did you just agree or was it your idea?
I also don't think a couple of months is neither here nor there in the scheme of things.
Anyone who loved you would wait. Sad

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 27/01/2018 21:13

It’s not a surprise really. He has the choice between a young, care free, sexy woman or me: a fat, crazy, boring Mum. Why would he not pick her?!

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverQuacks · 27/01/2018 21:15

I can’t remember whose idea it was. I remember it as him telling me he was talking to people and then he was meeting them.

OP posts:
twilightsparkles · 27/01/2018 21:17

If this man seriously loved you he wouldn't want to find it else where. I'm really sorry to say this but I honestly don't think a couple of times a week is just to satisfy his needs .

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2018 21:18

On one hand it's very hard to live with someone who is ill. Very hard indeed when they are telling you to go elsewhere, that they don't want you like that, the daily stress of it, the rejection. On the other hand, he's clearly now in a full blown relationship with this woman and is not emotionally married anymore, which is now very hard on you, as is your illness.

I only think uou can sit down and talk honestly. I think he's checked out. Only he can decide if he wants to check back in again. I would prepare that he may not wish to.

I find the fact he's so open about it abhorrent, but I was not there during the build up to it, I didn't see his level of happiness in the relationship
, I don't know what was said and agreed, and I don't know how long he's been open about it, when you were too ill to notice.💐

twilightsparkles · 27/01/2018 21:21

This arrangement is not helping you in the slightest I am sure youre beautiful inside and outside and no matter what you look like love is love. He should see what this is doing to you . You obviously need support encourgement and to build your self esteem and hes not being a good partner by doing this

MooPointCowsOpinion · 27/01/2018 21:22

Clever if he stopped being attracted to you then a decent person would have ended the marriage before starting a new relationship. He decided not to do that, because he knew he could take advantage of your mental state.
I’d consider telling your close friends and acquaintances the arrangement he set up while you were ill, and tell him it’s time for it to end, either he moves out or he fully commits to a monogamous relationship. That’s if you want him, is he even worth being with?

EmyRoo · 27/01/2018 21:25

You are not crazy, you were ill.
You are a Mum, yes, the mother of his children - who he also has a responsibility for/to (for the children, but a responsibility to you to behave decently)
And boring -?!? - you are looking after the DC despite having been unwell, whilst he is off gallivanting. Maybe he thinks looking after his DC makes you boring, but that is truly an indictment of him.

Wanderlusting99 · 27/01/2018 21:27

My DH has BPD, I'm his wife I support him when he's ill not run off to screw someone else. Your BPD isn't his get out of jail free card!

Chocolateyescakeyes · 27/01/2018 21:30

I agree with other posters, you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. The stress of this alone would be enough to mess with the mind of anyone, and you do not want to risk getting ill again. There is only really one option in my opinion, write down everything you want to say then calmly and eloquently (as much as possible in this situation) talk to him. If he is not willing to listen and take your feelings seriously then the relationship is pretty much over sooner or later anyway. I really feel for you. Big hugs.