Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

He is sleeping with someone else and I said it was ok

58 replies

CleverQuacks · 27/01/2018 20:44

I am going to try to keep this brief but I also don’t want to drip feed any important information.

I am married and have three beautiful children. We have been married for 6 years, together for 8.

I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder which means that my mental health is very changeable: up and down a lot and has resulted in being admitted to hospital on 2 occasions.

When my mental health is bad I shy away from sex which means at my worst my OH can go months without sex. This was causing a lot of arguments in our relationship because I was unable to meet his sexual needs.

I can’t remember how it came about but we agreed that he could find another woman to meet his needs. I thought this might take some of the pressure off me and ensure his needs were met.

He has been seeing another woman’s and Its been several months. At first I was ok with it but recently when I have tried to be intimate with him he has ignored me and instead gone to see the other woman. He says he wants to be with me but rejects every attempt I make to be physical.

Instead he goes to see her several times a week whilst I stay home with the kids feeling lonely.

I feel such a fool for saying it would be ok and don’t no what to do now. I am scared that if I say he needs to stop seeing her he will leave :(

OP posts:

Dottie39 · 27/01/2018 21:31

I would speak to him. I assume given he has begun rejecting you now that the agreement works both ways and he will be happy to stay in with the kids while you pop out to shag someone else??!

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2018 21:32

Oh I cross posted with your update, I'm sure you look beautiful, it will not be about that, but about availability at the time. The fact he has remained married to you during your lowest points and didn't leave maybe says something good, irrelevant of how he is behaving with her. He's still not ended it has he? Which tells us he wishes to me married to you.

PasstheStarmix · 27/01/2018 21:38

So sorry OP; this is awful for you. Your dh should have never agreed to go through with it even if you allowed him to. He should have known you felt low and agreed to it when you shouldn’t have. You can’t help that you’ve not been well and he should be supporting you instead of thinking about next getting his leg over! You’re the mother of his dc and he should be respecting you. And no he should not favour some young carefree woman because she has not had his children, she hasn’t got life experience or been through thick and thin with him. He should find you the sexiest woman alive and be more attracted to you since you’ve had his children. Looks fade and we all get older and what’s left in the end? It’s about so much more than just looks and sex and if your husband can’t see that than more fool him.

PasstheStarmix · 27/01/2018 21:38

Rudi44 · 27/01/2018 21:41

If my DP was suffering from MH issues to the extent they can't remember much from that time I genuinely would be so sick with worry about them that sex would be the last thing in my mind. Instead he has used your illness for a free pass to behave like a total shit. Oh and whilst you are ill he chooses to go get his end away rather than be there for his kids. What a fucker.

PastaOfMuppets · 27/01/2018 21:45

OP I'm so sorry for you, even if this arrangement was ok while you were feeling unwell now that you're feeling a bit better he should've ended his other arrangement to fully be with you. So this isn't an arrangement for helping meet his needs while you can't, it's - he hopes/plans - an arrangement to allow him to have a full blown affair with you feeling unable to say anything.

There is no reason why you can't tell him it's no longer working and that something must now change. He is taking advantage of you and he knows it.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/01/2018 21:46

He exploited your mh issue to get you to accept him having an affair. That is not a supportive or affectionate thing to do

This, I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's definitely crossing a line here

MayFayner · 27/01/2018 21:48

He has the choice between a young, care free, sexy woman or me: a fat, crazy, boring Mum. Why would he not pick her?!

Do you pick him though?
Do you pick this relationship?

You don't have to

DeleteOrDecay · 27/01/2018 21:49

Also agree with everyone else that whilst everyone needs respite every now and then, his main priority at the very least should be being there for his children whilst their mum isn't well. Not disappearing at every opportunity to get his rocks off. So selfish.

leftwiththedognow · 27/01/2018 21:52

Oh please get the hell away from him. I know it will be difficult and I know its scary. But you need to do this for your health. He is reprehensible.

Even reading it is difficult, but please keep posting for support and look for it in RL too.

CAAKE · 27/01/2018 22:36

So you put his "need" to get his end away above your own needs and those of your children whilst you were in the middle of a MH crisis?

He has pressured you into this situation by being a whining, horny man who can't bear to go without sex while his wife suffers. He doesn't deserve you.

Florallee · 27/01/2018 22:50

This situation will not help your mh issues. He has ultimately picked someone else over you; it doesn't matter that you gave him the green light (even though you were Ill)..he still chose to fuck someone else.

You and your children deserve more. He could have been looking after them and making sure their needs were met, not getting his dick wet

SandyY2K · 27/01/2018 23:24

How would he react if you said you wanted an open marriage on both sides?

I read a similar story to yours recently...except he got the OW pregnant.

I'll dig it out for you.

BackInTheRoom · 27/01/2018 23:41

@CleverQuacks

Gosh.

Are you under the care of a local Mental Health Team? Because I'm thinking you might need to discuss this with someone who can support you.

Bindibot · 28/01/2018 00:26

Sweetheart this is bullshit & abusive.

I have physical issues, a few years ago we went from being a 5 times a week couple to nothing for over 14 months. We’re not married so no in sickness and in health vows. But he’s a good man, he loves me so he behaved like a grown up and cared for me.

And when he was ill (a lot shorter term) I did the same.

You deserve the same

Someone who will care for you and not put their orgasm over you.

To me this is a form of abuse

Original poster

CleverQuacks · 28/01/2018 09:12

Thank you for all the replies. I will try and talk to him. I know he won’t want to end this arrangement though and he will probably blame me for hurting him. It’s just going to be another big argument :(

OP posts:

Figgygal · 28/01/2018 09:17

You said he could sleep with other people not check out of the marriage altogether. I'd tell him to put a stop to it or you're finished.

He's a selfish arsewipe

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 28/01/2018 09:24

He's got quite the life going hasn't he? His unwell wife stays at home alone looking after what I presume are very young children, while he goes and has a shag.

It's not even the open relationship necessarily. It's that he's regularly leaving you alone to have his sex. He's not using it as a release, he's having the time of his life.

Sex aside, does he support you in all other ways? I'm just trying to figure out exactly how much of a twat he is.

ExtraSpecial1 · 28/01/2018 09:32

I have bpd CleverQuacks and your husband is going to make your MH worse not better or steady. He is fast becoming your biggest trigger and you are setting yourself up for more periods of ill health than noir normality. It is hard, fucking hard to be in a relationship with us, I know and our partners have to put themselves first sometimes but not in the way your h is doing. He is putting himself above you but also his kids.

And it's not like this was something he started looking into when you started the discussion, he was already online, stroking his ego way before that. Backed into a corner you agreed and he's done such a good job on you that you feel it was your decision and that you told him to do it. He'd be a headfuck for the most stable, independent of women darling.

Hotdoggity · 28/01/2018 09:38

I don't get why sex is such an excuse for people to act shitty. It's not some absolutely necessary, irresistible thing that everyone needs. That's the narrative that's pedalled to fuel entitlement. I'm so sorry, OP.

ChrisPrattsFace · 28/01/2018 09:40

I don’t have any advice, just didn’t want to read and run.
He sounds like he’s used your MH issues as an advise for an affair, sounds more than just a ‘sexual release’
I wouldn’t even know where to go from your position now - but addressing it and telling him you don’t remember the agreement Nd are no longer comfortable with it, is a starting point.
Good luck OP

dumbolickous · 28/01/2018 09:43

Jeez. I'm speechless!

Onecutefox · 28/01/2018 10:34

He doesn't deserve you OP. Would you be able to move on without him? It maybe that your MH condition was worsening because of his bullying and pestering.

CAAKE · 28/01/2018 10:43

"he will probably blame me for hurting him"

It sounds like he has you exactly where he wants you. He's not "hurt", he's having his cake and eating it.

DeleteOrDecay · 28/01/2018 13:12

I don't get why sex is such an excuse for people to act shitty. It's not some absolutely necessary, irresistible thing that everyone needs. That's the narrative that's pedalled to fuel entitlement.

Totally agree, drives me mad how sex is put on some sort of pedestal in society.

I don't think he will listen to you op, I'm so sorry he's put you in this position

Flip

1 2 3