He is sleeping with someone else and I said it was ok

[CleverQuacks]

I am going to try to keep this brief but I also don’t want to drip feed any important information.

I am married and have three beautiful children. We have been married for 6 years, together for 8.

I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder which means that my mental health is very changeable: up and down a lot and has resulted in being admitted to hospital on 2 occasions.

When my mental health is bad I shy away from sex which means at my worst my OH can go months without sex. This was causing a lot of arguments in our relationship because I was unable to meet his sexual needs.

I can’t remember how it came about but we agreed that he could find another woman to meet his needs. I thought this might take some of the pressure off me and ensure his needs were met.

He has been seeing another woman’s and Its been several months. At first I was ok with it but recently when I have tried to be intimate with him he has ignored me and instead gone to see the other woman. He says he wants to be with me but rejects every attempt I make to be physical.

Instead he goes to see her several times a week whilst I stay home with the kids feeling lonely.

I feel such a fool for saying it would be ok and don’t no what to do now. I am scared that if I say he needs to stop seeing her he will leave :(

You had no choice in this whether you believe you did or not, this piece of shit knew what he was doing.
You might have conceded, at a time you were at your most unwell, but anyone else can see this was a recipe for disaster.
This cruelty is enough to severely hurt anyone let alone someone whose mental health can be up and down by its nature. For that reason, your DH is scum. For the love of God, please believe you deserve so much better

Op, you deserve way better than this. Please, for the sake of your health ask him to leave. You will be ok.

Oh and Estelle got it in a nutshell.

I'm sorry for your pain, Clever. I think as you've said, you will need to have a conversation with him. Where do you want it to go? Do you want him to leave or to stay?

I agree with Bluntness's posts more than any others on the thread. The posters who keep blithely telling you "You deserve so much better" and "anyone who loved you would wait" along with "You didn't know what you were doing even if you thought you did", are surprisingly glib and hurtful even though they're undoubtedly well-meant.

You know what you're dealing with, you have this condition and you know how it affects you and everybody around you. The only important thing is that your health improves and you make decisions best for you - then your children - and husband.

What do you need and who do you need to help you get that, Clever?

Lying I'm sorry if you found my post offensive but I have a different understanding of the situation than you do, if you think that.
The DH was already cheating. OP may have given him the nod- from what she can recollect of the time. What I meant wasn't a patronising 'you were ill you didn't know what you were agreeing to', it was pointing out that he was going to do it anyway which is why there was no agreement to it by OP as such.
And she DOES deserve better. Sorry my empathy isn't very constructive.

Thank you all. I am reading all of the replies and appreciate them all. If I really think about it I know our relationship has not been good for a long time and maybe this is the final nail in the coffin. I just love him so much. I want him to be happy and feel that if I speak up about this I will be making him unhappy.

I agree with Bluntness's posts more than any others on the thread. The posters who keep blithely telling you "You deserve so much better" and "anyone who loved you would wait" along with "You didn't know what you were doing even if you thought you did", are surprisingly glib and hurtful even though they're undoubtedly well-meant

My mother died in our local psychiatric hospital where she spent the last 8 months of her life after being sectioned. She had been ill at home for the previous 7 years with the mental health condition that eventually had her sectioned. My dad looked after her day and night for those 7 years, he also visited her in hospital and fed her every day for 7 months. He was 10 years younger than my mum and still managed to be faithful to her despite being celibate for almost the entirety of his 40's.

The Op does deserve bette than the treatment she's getting doled out to her by someone who's taken advantage of her.

Im sure you know what you can do with your glib.

Op I have PM’d you. I am coming out of the other side of this, it is not easy, and it just about destroyed me.

I considered starting a thread several times, but the emotions are so complex it’s difficult to get them all across. Plus every time I thought about doing so I knew exactly what the advice would be.

It is a very lonely and isolating thing and I hope you get some support.