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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken about my sister and DH dynamic

68 replies

MissCommunication · 27/01/2018 20:01

Hi

For context I have posted before about my DH and his controlling and gaslighting behaviour. I'm still paralysed and unable to make changes I know deep down will benefit my DC and I.

I've invited my sister to Sunday lunch tomorrow afternoon and she's saying she feels uncomfortable around us and doesn't like it. She says that the children and I change when DH is around and it's so awkward. I have used and do use her for support and that includes having a bloody good moan. She quite rightly points out that I am not making any changes but I bitch about it.

Sometimes at the weekend I crave other people and I was looking forward to seeing her as is DS who regards her as a second Mummy. We've sorted it and she's coming but she doesn't like my DH or my marriage to him. And I hate myself for putting everyone through it.

I bitched today because dh was going off on a hobby as he does every Saturday, I get 2 hours on a Sunday morning Early, he does later on and most evenings too. Reason I was annoyed was because he was up at 7.30am. Prepared his stuff until he met the group at 9. Was out until gone 12. Had a nice hot bath while I got baby down for her nap. When I came down he was fast asleep on the sofa with DS sitting next to him watching cartoons. I played with DS and we had lunch because I was buggered if I was going to wake him up.

I don't mind the hobby but he has to accept he will be tired and he can't wipe the whole day out. He sits on his phone ignoring us and then has the fucking gall to tell me I prevent him from spending time with his children and that I avoid family time (if I then pop out for an hour and a half later in the day).

Anyway. My heartbreak is that my sister doesn't want to come to my home. I don't know how to be to make it not awkward. I've said I won't bitch any more so she's not in an awkward position but she says it makes no difference. She sees it all in me and the DC.

You've all been so kind in the past and I just wish I had some fucking backbone.

He's just "bought me" a £21k car (it's all in his name) and is spending money...he doesn't know that I know he's spent in excess of £8k on his hobby plus exprnrovd Christmas presents. Feels like he's getting rid of cash so it's not there come a divorce. Am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
Lucymek · 27/01/2018 20:09

I don't blame your sister for not wanting to spend time around your husband.

It sounds like a right performance. Maybe the risk of loosing your sister will give you the kick up the bum to leave him.

Sorry op dose that sound great !

Lucymek · 27/01/2018 20:09

Doesn't *

maceymoo20 · 27/01/2018 20:14

You don't want to loose your sister over him!

He doesn't help you around the house or with your children. He'd rather go out, come home, have a shower then go to sleep while you do everything! It's 50/50 in a marriage!!

Give him an ultimatum or leave him for you and your children's happiness

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 27/01/2018 20:16

Imo you need an escape fund. It will spur you on to end it.

KateGrey · 27/01/2018 20:17

Can you articulate why you can’t make the change?

Pessismistic · 27/01/2018 20:18

Im in a similar position and the way I see it is your married to him by choice not her she doesn't have to like him but be civil around him and if he's civil to her. otherwise see her when he's out doing his hobby that way your more like yourself around her and you both get to enjoy your time together and tell her your only sounding off for her support not to fix your problems.good luck X

RemainOptimistic · 27/01/2018 20:21

Well done to your sister for actually speaking up. Maybe this is the wake up call you need

Angelf1sh · 27/01/2018 20:23

Yeah it sounds like he’s dissipating assets to me. You should make your move to leave him before it’s all gone. Your life isn’t going to improve until you take steps to improve it. You are, over time, going to lose all of your friends/family/support network if you do nothing because ultimately people will get tired of your complaints and inaction.

You know what you need to do, so do it!

MadMags · 27/01/2018 20:27

I think if you’re using your sister as such a crutch then you have to accept that she’s not going to want to play happy families at Sunday lunch.

That doesn’t mean she won’t support you or listen to you. But it’s exhausting being someone’s sounding board, and frustrating when they won’t do anything to help themselves!

ferando81 · 27/01/2018 20:29

There is nothing worse than someone bitching about their life but not being prepared to do anything about it.No wonder your sister doesn't want to come round

QuiteLikely5 · 27/01/2018 20:32

If it is so bad what is stopping you from leaving?

Kewcumber · 27/01/2018 20:34

I'm sorry i wouldn't go either. I couldn;t watch that dynamic either.

I'm sure she will be as supportive of you as she can be but you can't make her suck it up and visit you at his house.

Meet her outside.

pigshavecurlytails · 27/01/2018 20:35

I don't go to my brother's home if I can avoid it. His wife is narcissistic and controlling and sadly he can't stand up to her. I'm not exposing my kids to that sort of behaviour. I'm sure that if you show real willingness to change/leave she'll be there for you - I would be for my bro.

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2018 20:44

@MissCommunication what do you see your choices as?

Original poster
MissCommunication · 27/01/2018 20:53

I think it's as simple as put up or shut up. Stay or leave.

OP posts:
Wanderlusting99 · 27/01/2018 20:54

I've been in your sisters position with a friend. She accepted he was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive but wouldn't leave as grew up with divorced parents and said her children would never have to grow up in a single parent family. After a year of his behavior towards them being absolutely horrendous I had to cut myself off for my own sanity, having spent the last 6 months only seeing her during the day to avoid him but still hearing the same dialogue every week. I've made it clear my door is always open if she needs somewhere to run, but it's her choice to stay and bring her kids up in that misery and I can't watch it anymore.

JaneEyre70 · 27/01/2018 20:58

From your sisters perspective, you are massively unhappy and constantly moaning about your DH - but then doing nothing about it. Is it any wonder she doesn't want to be around you both together? You're putting her in a horrid position. Why on earth are you staying in a relationship that you are so angry and miserable with?

DistanceCall · 27/01/2018 21:03

You are making a choice. Choices are consequences.

Your sister is sick of seeing you and your children be abused by your husband. You won't do anything about it but "moan" to her. No wonder she won't put up with it any more.

I would suggest growing a spine pronto.

MsHarry · 27/01/2018 21:12

I have a similar situation. My Dsis is with a man I find difficult to be around. He has treated her badly, has a problem with alcohol and has ruined several social occasions due to this. She feels she has nowhere else to go and says he is kind at other times. I have tolerated him but when he upset my DC I had to call time and say I wouldn't have him in my house. Dsis has chosen to not talk to me.

Quartz2208 · 27/01/2018 21:17

I remember your previous threads I’m not surprised she has said this, I suspect she cannot watch it unfolds until he either leaves you with nothing or he kills you

Why won’t you leave

user764329056 · 27/01/2018 21:18

The part that alarms and saddens me is your mention of the change in the DCs when he’s around, honestly that is sobering because they are in a toxic environment, they don’t have choices but you do and you are keeping them in this situation, please do something soon before any more damage is done both to you and DCs

FlawlessFuckup · 27/01/2018 21:23

Why on earth is your car in his name?
Can you tell him tonight you want it transferred to your name?

If not, seriously think about how you want to live the rest of your life.

category12 · 27/01/2018 21:24

You need to break your paralysis and leave.

Wanderlusting99 · 27/01/2018 21:24

I think it's as simple as put up or shut up. Stay or leave.

Your sister had the same choice, she clearly has tried putting up and staying, and is now going for leave.

Original poster
MissCommunication · 27/01/2018 21:56

I don't know why the car is in his name. He has clearly paid for it and had the money available to pay outright (I saw the bank statement - he doesn't know that). I was told he would sell his big car, he would use my small and old but reliable car until it died and me and DC would use the new family vehicle. At the moment we have three cars. He occasionally uses my old one or his depending on what he's doing. I use the new car which he constantly refers to as my car but the log book and insurance are both in his name. I habe said at least twice that it's not my car, is it, it's in his name and he just says I'm being silly about it, everything is joint. Hmm I predict he sells his car and we get rid of my oldie and he gets himself something sporty. I didn't know we had £21k sitting around.

We had a huge bloo not long ago and I told him I wanted a separation. He got heart pains and told me he was worried about himself and that I had to listen to his plea amd not go out (I wanted to take baby on a sleep drive for 15 mins). The next day he asked if I would be willing to become a partner in his business. I told him it was a bit inappropriate given that I'd said I wanted to separate. I've managed to avoid it as I think it's risky. The cynic in me thinks it's cheaper for him to get rid of me as a business partner than as a wife. He pointed out that even if we weren't partners in name in business everything would require a certain unravelling...but partnership just makes me even more embroiled, surely?

OP posts: