Heartbroken about my sister and DH dynamic

[MissCommunication]

Hi

For context I have posted before about my DH and his controlling and gaslighting behaviour. I'm still paralysed and unable to make changes I know deep down will benefit my DC and I.

I've invited my sister to Sunday lunch tomorrow afternoon and she's saying she feels uncomfortable around us and doesn't like it. She says that the children and I change when DH is around and it's so awkward. I have used and do use her for support and that includes having a bloody good moan. She quite rightly points out that I am not making any changes but I bitch about it.

Sometimes at the weekend I crave other people and I was looking forward to seeing her as is DS who regards her as a second Mummy. We've sorted it and she's coming but she doesn't like my DH or my marriage to him. And I hate myself for putting everyone through it.

I bitched today because dh was going off on a hobby as he does every Saturday, I get 2 hours on a Sunday morning Early, he does later on and most evenings too. Reason I was annoyed was because he was up at 7.30am. Prepared his stuff until he met the group at 9. Was out until gone 12. Had a nice hot bath while I got baby down for her nap. When I came down he was fast asleep on the sofa with DS sitting next to him watching cartoons. I played with DS and we had lunch because I was buggered if I was going to wake him up.

I don't mind the hobby but he has to accept he will be tired and he can't wipe the whole day out. He sits on his phone ignoring us and then has the fucking gall to tell me I prevent him from spending time with his children and that I avoid family time (if I then pop out for an hour and a half later in the day).

Anyway. My heartbreak is that my sister doesn't want to come to my home. I don't know how to be to make it not awkward. I've said I won't bitch any more so she's not in an awkward position but she says it makes no difference. She sees it all in me and the DC.

You've all been so kind in the past and I just wish I had some fucking backbone.

He's just "bought me" a £21k car (it's all in his name) and is spending money...he doesn't know that I know he's spent in excess of £8k on his hobby plus exprnrovd Christmas presents. Feels like he's getting rid of cash so it's not there come a divorce. Am I being paranoid?

Married for 7 years. My problem is that's he's spending a lot of money. He has kept his prestige car when he said he was going to sell it. He keeps saying the new one is mine but it isn't Really. All for show and smoke and mirrors

Both cars are assets of the marriage.

Who said name is the house in?

Who's

House is in joint names

The cars are also joint

So make a plan - get back some control

Copy bank statements and account numbers
Find marriage certificates etc and start an saving plan or look into joint finances

How did you not know you had 21K in the bank? You need to know what you are dealing with to make decisions ont he future

Stop being 'unaware' and make it your business to know these things

It's very clear there is a lot I don't know. I only know about the car cost and money spent on bikes because I opened one of his bank statements. I felt guilty for snooping. And that is the account I know about. I'm sure there is stuff I don't see. He says he doesn't have a pension. But then talked to my sister about how he was planning on sinking £40k into his pension. I didn't know we had £40k sitting about.

You shouldn't feel guilty, you're married - all this money/house/cars are shared assets. Even his "non-existent" pension. Go and see a solicitor, do more "snooping".

Oops. May have outed myself.

You will lose your sister and he will leave you too.

You're using her as an emotional sponge. Dealing with someone who simply doesn't realise how utterly draining it is, having to listen to someone going on and on and on about a situation they aren't at least trying in some ways to change. Rinse and repeat, every time you see them. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

At least your sister is honest. Your best bet is trying to get some money together in case you decide to leave him before he leaves you. & reconcile in your mind that you aren't entitled to expect another person to put up with what repels them.

I didn't know we had 40k sitting about

Whst sort of life are you leading ?

Why don't you have an honest conversation with your Dsis. Tell her the whole truth, let her know your fears and ask if there's any way she can help/support you to leave him.

What do you mean? I'm told there isn't money to do xyz. I get a certain amount every month to pay everything except the mortgage except it doesn't stretch to everything and every month I have to ask for extra. I clothe my children and I in hand me downs and eBay bundles. The bills are huge because it's a big ish house with bad insulation. I am kept in the dark about our finances it would appear becsuse it's only because I went looking that I found out about the expenditure.

So you're being financially abused too www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Seems like there's plenty of money, OP. What's it going to take for you to leave?

I get the impression you live in a gilded cage that is not so gilded and you are not really sure how to live in the real world and that is why you stay

Wow, he sounds a keeper. He fucked his own child off to keep you interested 😔.

think it's as simple as put up or shut up. Stay or leave.

But its not just you in this OP, its your children who are being affected for the worse and you need an outsider-your sister- to point it out.

I would get a solicitor and find out what ducks to get in a row and get informed by them as to what you can do. Id also try womens aid again and explain about having little luck last night