Heartbroken about my sister and DH dynamic

[MissCommunication]

Hi

For context I have posted before about my DH and his controlling and gaslighting behaviour. I'm still paralysed and unable to make changes I know deep down will benefit my DC and I.

I've invited my sister to Sunday lunch tomorrow afternoon and she's saying she feels uncomfortable around us and doesn't like it. She says that the children and I change when DH is around and it's so awkward. I have used and do use her for support and that includes having a bloody good moan. She quite rightly points out that I am not making any changes but I bitch about it.

Sometimes at the weekend I crave other people and I was looking forward to seeing her as is DS who regards her as a second Mummy. We've sorted it and she's coming but she doesn't like my DH or my marriage to him. And I hate myself for putting everyone through it.

I bitched today because dh was going off on a hobby as he does every Saturday, I get 2 hours on a Sunday morning Early, he does later on and most evenings too. Reason I was annoyed was because he was up at 7.30am. Prepared his stuff until he met the group at 9. Was out until gone 12. Had a nice hot bath while I got baby down for her nap. When I came down he was fast asleep on the sofa with DS sitting next to him watching cartoons. I played with DS and we had lunch because I was buggered if I was going to wake him up.

I don't mind the hobby but he has to accept he will be tired and he can't wipe the whole day out. He sits on his phone ignoring us and then has the fucking gall to tell me I prevent him from spending time with his children and that I avoid family time (if I then pop out for an hour and a half later in the day).

Anyway. My heartbreak is that my sister doesn't want to come to my home. I don't know how to be to make it not awkward. I've said I won't bitch any more so she's not in an awkward position but she says it makes no difference. She sees it all in me and the DC.

You've all been so kind in the past and I just wish I had some fucking backbone.

He's just "bought me" a £21k car (it's all in his name) and is spending money...he doesn't know that I know he's spent in excess of £8k on his hobby plus exprnrovd Christmas presents. Feels like he's getting rid of cash so it's not there come a divorce. Am I being paranoid?

Call Women’s Aid
Get counselling
Read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft

Those things should hopefully give you the strength and resolve to leave.

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

I don't know why the car is in his name.

So it remains legally his despite you being an insured, named driver of the car.
So he can continue to control you by restricting your access to the car whenever he feels like it.
So he can sell it whenever he feels like it and keep the proceeds, or lend/give it away to someone else whenever he pleases.

The longer you stay with him and don't get joint accounts/savings frozen the quicker he will dispose of the money.
If all that's left eventually is the marital home and you still have legal/divorce bills to pay then you'll lose your home too.

It is probably quite an emotional drain for your sister, especially when you offload on to her and make no changes. I had this with my sister. In the end we made a pact not to talk about him.

Your sister is worried about your family's welfare. And it is good that she isn't just going to 'forget' all the things you have told her, just to put on a front.

Hope you get things resolved.

Your sister doesn't want to see this situation and quite rightly so.

Get you and the kids passports, other documents, pack a small bag and leave him.

Watching someone you care about in a fucked up relationship is stressful, draining and heartbreaking all at the same time. I don't blame your sister for not wanting to put herself through it.

He knows he treats you badly and is scared you'll leave...hence the sudden pains he got.

Your poor kids are having to change in his presence...that's very hard for your sis to watch.

I wouldn't play Happy Families with you either

I would struggle as your sister to spend time with you also.
It's fine you chose to stay but your children-her dns- they don't get a choice. This must be so her for her and a big ask from you

I have a similar situation with a friend. We never see them as a couple now as DH and I really dislike her partner.

What has your sister said? Do you think she has good judgement? What is stopping you from leaving?

The car in his name sounds very suspect. Sounds like he is getting his ducks in a row so I would say that you really need to get yours sorted and pronto.

OP can you speak to a solicitor. About everything, about leaving the house, your husband wanting you to be a partner in the business. I feel that being a partner in the business would tie you together further. But I also feel leaving the home could be problematic, where will you go? Is there any way he might leave?

Are you in danger if you stay?

Please speak to women's aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247

Good luck

I've been in your sister's position with a family member. I refused to go and made it clear why not. I didn't ever stop supporting family member though and saw her regularly on her own. It took some time but she was finally strong enough to leave and do the right thing for her children.
Why do you think it's OK to put your sister through this abuse too? It's not. See your sister without your husband. She'll be there for you a lot longer than this abuser will

Getting your head round the fact that you have to leave will, eventually, stop the panic feelings when you try think about it. You need financial advice, to think about where you will live, women's aid for support, tell family what you are thinking of doing, also anyone else who will give you support.
The car is a sideline.
Your sister is right, if you change your behaviour around DH is one thing but if the DCs are all behaving that way it is stressful for them and needs to stop,
Him becoming ill when you want to leave is just him forcing you to stay. He wants to be seen as the nice DF to other people, he wants someone around to look after him.

Thank you for your replies. It's gone to shit today as it does most weekends. I'm realising what a total shit he is more and more. Today he has been gaslighting me and accused me of lying and forcing my way upon everyone....basically saying all the things he does so that I can't accuse him of it.

To answer your questions about why I can't leave: there are the obvious reasons such as fearing change, the future, disruption, mental mind games, accusations, how the children could be influenced against me, losing them for 50% of the time and knowing they will be ignored/gaslighted/invaded etc (because he does it to them too), fearing financial destitution and hardship, fearing not being able to take them to my home country because he will block it as he has managed to avoid us going for 7 years even though knows my heart aches and yearns to go back. One of the major factors is knowing how he played it when he split up from his ex and how he sidelined his DD so that he could get me. I was so vulnerable at the time and I look back and wonder how I could have ever let the situation arise where he basically chose me over his child. I ended our relationship because his DD was a complete 9 year old nightmare (how I saw it then). The divorce was messy and awful and I walked into this hornets nest and I couldn't handle it, so I ended it. He turned himself inside out to get me back, including getting his mum to have his DD during contact time so that I didn't have to be around her. The contact time has waned over the years and things are much better - she's now nearly 18 and 9 years is a long time.

If I thought he could and would do that to his other two children as well then I'd rather stay and have a modicum of control over the influences. He moved me in after only three months, I joined him on his work trips and habe had some amazing experiences but I see that for what it is now. It's all classic stuff I've now read about. Huge gestures of generosity, nothing too much trouble, making me heavily dependent on him and so on and so forth. I feel so awful for his DD and I wish I'd had any presence of mind to see what was really going on. How could he do that to his child? He says I had a lot to do with the fucked up situation (favourite phrase was "you've done enough") and I own up to not being ready to take on a stepchild and the baggage of a very fucked up marriage and family. My friends could see the control and he cut me off from my best friend who saw it all. I was complicit because I would have promised anything to make the pain of the situation go away, to stop the feelings of being told how awful.and selfish I was/am. His DM came for Christmas and I used to really care about and love her. She sees and knows exactly what he's like. He's horrid to her. But she's a snake in the grass...I caught her whispering and gossiping about me to him after a bad day (bear in mind I basically looked after her first a month while he pretty much ignored her too) so I realised I couldn't trust her. Bloody really is thicker than water and I worry about what will happen there as she might influence the children too.

I asked my sister how team children change around him because baby DD adores him, gets really excited to see him. DS seems to want to play with him etc but she says not so much. That DS becomes a bit more withdrawn. That he gets frustrated with his Dad...he was watching TV and DH stood know front of the telly blocking DS view, demanding answers to his questions rather than gently engaging with DS...and having invaded DS space, he then got pontoon his phone and ignored us all.for half an hour.

I know what is right. I fantasise about freedom to go out without a guilt trip but what is the price of that???? I'm paying a price already for something already but is it the lesser of two evils?? Fuck. It's all just so fucked up.

I should say that his DM didn't look after her first long because his ex quite rightly said it wasn't fair on dsd to effectively have three homes and he should either fulfil his contact or she would do it because he clearly can't/won't. He travels a lot for work and I will be able to present a good case for alternate weekends and a.midweek evening. No overnights until they're older if I can possibly help it. DD is still breastfeeding but that clearly can't last forever.

You're rationalising why it would be worse if you split, when tbh it doesn't sound like it could get much worse to me anyway. For example, you say he wouldn't allow you to travel back to your home country, but you also say you haven't been for 7 years, so that's effectively already been the case, hasn't it?

I can see why your sister doesn't want to come round and facilitate you agonising at her over and over but doing nothing. Don't let this thread just take the place of that.

Shit or get off the pot.

It's a real shame you didn't have MN when you knowingly joined him in rejecting a child so you could both have your big romance.

Disgusting behaviour from both of you. I assume you have since gained some maturity and insight into how utterly dysfunctional this relationship is after such a terrible start and he would still justify all of it and use your own guilt against you

There is nothing to save here. If you do split and he rejects your kids too then I would see that as a bonus. However, you, with eyes wide open, threw your lot in with such a man and now he is likely to punish you through the dc just because he can.

Leave him. Prepare yourself for an absolute shitstorm but do it before you completely lose any support you still have.

Can I ask that you cool it please? My eyes were most definitely not wide open. The circumstances were utterly utterly awful. And I hate myself enough already for all of this.

You can ask people to cool it OP but there isn't one single post on here telling you to stay and make the best of it. When your family openly voice concern over your lifestyle choices, they are doing so for good reason. You may find that one day that support has gone, because they can't stand back anymore and watch your children walking round on eggshells anymore because it's too upsetting. You and you alone are choosing this life for them.

Stay or go, it's your choice OP.

I see what you are all saying. I truly do. I have tried women's aid. I got nowhere because they referred me to local WA and I tried and tried and tried to get in touch and nothing came of voicemails I left. I guess they are so overstretched.

Can I ask a practical question? I brought up the log book and whose name it was in during conversation yesterday. He said put it in your name if you want. So I've dug out the documents and on the front it clearly says it is not proof of ownership. So it doesn't matter whose name is it, surely? I don't think he believes I'll actually do it. That might set the cat amongst the pigeons!

You need to transfer the registered keeper to you. You do this by competing part of the car registration certificate and sending it to the DVLA. He will need to sign his permission as he is the current registered keeper.

I hope you find the strength to leave soon OP. Put it this way, even if the kids do have to have some contact with him, most of the time they will be with their much happier and more relaxed mother. At the moment they are not able to relax ever. Poor kids.

You can do all the transfer of ownership online these days - takes minutes with the logbook, no wet signature needed. As a married couple, the car is a joint asset anyway, but become the registered keeper if it's a point you need to make.

Go and see a solicitor. Is there anything that's preventing you from doing that?

Are you married ? Doesn't matter whose name is in the log book, as it's a marriage asset.