Is it as bad as I think it is?

[RCD2018]

I'm really struggling with the fact that I know my husband's behaviour is absolutely unacceptable but he is so manipulative and charming, that he has actually made me begin to question my own sanity and ask whether I'm to blame for the situation.

We're unable to have conversations (certainly re. money) like adults and any attempts to do this quickly descend into screaming arguments. I've been told over the last 4 years that I'm a piece of , a C U Next Tuesday, that no one would care if I died, I have no friends and the ones I do have don't really like me, I'm greedy, all I care about is money....the list goes on and on. I have also said nasty things in retaliation but he seems to go to another level.

He has punched and broken doors during our fights, thrown things and has driven at speed whilst I'm in the car, seemingly in an attempt to frighten me. If I try to talk to him about anything, he rushes me through the situation, clearly not interested or even really listening, making me feel stressed and anxious. If we're out in a bar or restaurant and end up having a heated conversation (for which he is equally responsible) he threatens to leave and on a number of occasions, has walked off and left me.

On a more trivial basis, he never asks how my day was, or walks our dog, which I find incredibly unfair to the dog HE wanted, and is also unfair to me as I also work only hours and bring 50% of the finances into our home.

After we've fallen out and we make up, he tells me that he's sorry but I just "push his buttons" and he knows he has an awful temper. During the first few months of our relationship, he pursued me and was the perfect man - certainly not the man he is now.

I know I need to leave but he twists everything so much that I'm beginning to wonder if sometimes it is me and that he's not as bad as I think he is. I have a very strong personality (or so I thought!) and have never been in this situation before, so it has really knocked me for 6 but I know deep down that I need to get out.

If anyone has experience of a similar situation, I would be so glad to hear from you.

Yes. It is bad.
You need to google gaslighting and narcissist.
The perfect man act at the beginning WAS an act. You are seeing the real him now and he's not treating you very nicely is he? Certainly not as an equal partner in life.
He cares only for himself. I'm so sorry 💐

The massive red flag is he gets angry to the point of violence then apologises but it's your fault (so not sorry at all). There's no evidence that he wants to improve his behaviour towards you.

It's not you, it's him. He's abusive. You are right, you do need to leave. People like him often do use that line "you pushed my buttons, I couldn't help calling you names, etc etc" but I doubt he blows up at his boss or anyone else if they annoy him. Womens Aid are worth contacting for help to leave. It's also well worth getting a copy of Why' Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for insight into abusive men but his actions are about control, and nothing you have done. You deserve better

My first dh was like this. He got worse, punched me while holding newborn ds, smashed up every ornament I ever owned, smashed ds toys time after time. Always my fault for making him lose his temper. Get the hell out before you have dc. And for yourself.

Thank you everyone, thank you for your support and for being so honest. I'm ashamed that I've allowed this to go on for so long but I know that it will only get worse, the longer I'm with him and if there are no repercussions for his unacceptable behaviour.

I don't want to grow old with this man and would rather be alone than unhappy. Hugs and strength to anyone out there in a similar position.

Sweetheart, I’ve been in this relationship!

What he’s doing is ABUSIVE. Second googling gaslighting and narcissistic personality disorder.

You know it’s not you and that it’s not healthy for you, it’s why you’ve posted here. Get away as soon as you can and rebuild your life. You deserve someone who builds you up, not knocks you down . Good luck xxx

OP, I don’t often post on here, and never anything really serious, but if I could just help one person by sharing my experience. Your post really struck a chord with me! Please take note of above posts, and especially look up gaslighting.
I too thought I was a strong woman. it would never happen to me. In my late 20’s I had a three year relationship with what sounds very similar to your DH. He started off really charming. Maybe look up ‘lovebombing’ too. It took a long time to get where it ended up. And towards the end I was questioning my sanity and was just a shadow of my former self. My abusive ex would
Also drive erratically, swerving into oncoming traffic because I was not reading a map correctly. I was also unable to talk about certain subjects, this would start with small things, but then increased until I couldn’t really talk about anything.
My ‘lucky’ escape was really when he started hitting me in front of people. And the anger was rarely alcohol related, which before all this I thought was always the case.
He was a medical doctor too, so well respected, until like I say he started hitting me in front of colleagues and they talked some sense in me. There is so much more to this story, but I just want to say - it’s not you, you aren’t a fool for falling for him, and you can get out.
I have now been with my DH for 19 years. He’s the total opposite. When I was with ex I thought OMG this is my life. It took me a lot to leave because I had no family, money and I had to move countries. I had no home and a DD ( not his). I did it.
Please don’t stay. Whatever your circumstances you can do better!
I wish you well.

Thank you everyone, I'm just overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness and support from everyone on the site. I've taken courage with each and every message and it means so much. I don't know why I haven't left him for good before now, other than it's my own lack of confidence which keeps me coming back. When someone tells you enough that it's all you, you start to believe it.

The original post was just a snippet of what has gone on. It makes me genuinely very sad to admit that I honestly now believe he is just a nasty bully, must probably affected by his clearly narcissistic mother, but a bully none the less. I have done so much for us financially (due to him bringing nothing financially to our marriage initially - I had savings and property) but he holds this against me, saying I'm obsessed with money.

When I've tried to leave previously, he's threatened me by saying he will "ruin me", "take me for every penny", that he "won't stop until he destroys me". I'm scared of what he might do, although have taken legal advice without his knowledge in an attempt to protect myself.

I'm now back in a position where we've had a few months of calm and the nastiness has reared its ugly head again and I've had enough. I accept that he's never going to change and even if I do "push his buttons" then clearly we are not right for each other. Yesterday was the last time that he will call me a "ing piece of . He hasn't even apologised.

Thank you again everyone for your kind words and support, it means a great deal.

Thank you everyone, I'm just overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness and support from everyone on the site. I've taken courage with each and every message and it means so much. I don't know why I haven't left him for good before now, other than it's my own lack of confidence which keeps me coming back. When someone tells you enough that it's all you, you start to believe it.

The original post was just a snippet of what has gone on. It makes me genuinely very sad to admit that I honestly now believe he is just a nasty bully, must probably affected by his clearly narcissistic mother, but a bully none the less. I have done so much for us financially (due to him bringing nothing financially to our marriage initially - I had savings and property) but he holds this against me, saying I'm obsessed with money.

When I've tried to leave previously, he's threatened me by saying he will "ruin me", "take me for every penny", that he "won't stop until he destroys me". I'm scared of what he might do, although have taken legal advice without his knowledge in an attempt to protect myself.

I'm now back in a position where we've had a few months of calm and the nastiness has reared its ugly head again and I've had enough. I accept that he's never going to change and even if I do "push his buttons" then clearly we are not right for each other. Yesterday was the last time that he will call me a "ing piece of . He hasn't even apologised.

Thank you again everyone for your kind words and support, it means a great deal.

Thank you everyone, I'm just overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness and support from everyone on the site. I've taken courage with each and every message and it means so much. I don't know why I haven't left him for good before now, other than it's my own lack of confidence which keeps me coming back. When someone tells you enough that it's all you, you start to believe it.

The original post was just a snippet of what has gone on. It makes me genuinely very sad to admit that I honestly now believe he is just a nasty bully, must probably affected by his clearly narcissistic mother, but a bully none the less. I have done so much for us financially (due to him bringing nothing financially to our marriage initially - I had savings and property) but he holds this against me, saying I'm obsessed with money.

When I've tried to leave previously, he's threatened me by saying he will "ruin me", "take me for every penny", that he "won't stop until he destroys me". I'm scared of what he might do, although have taken legal advice without his knowledge in an attempt to protect myself.

I'm now back in a position where we've had a few months of calm and the nastiness has reared its ugly head again and I've had enough. I accept that he's never going to change and even if I do "push his buttons" then clearly we are not right for each other. Yesterday was the last time that he will call me a "ing piece of . He hasn't even apologised.

Thank you again everyone for your kind words and support, it means a great deal.

Get out of it. Life is not meant to be so bloody miserable lass.

Thank you Mrs Mozart and apologies everyone for my 3 times post! Laptop is on speed - lol!

Thank you Mrs Mozart and apologies everyone for my 3 times post! Laptop is on speed - lol!

RCD - recognise you from the other thread. I'm glad you have posted your own thread. You will get some fantastic advice and encouragement here.

Have you talked to anyone in RL? My STBXH was always telling me not to talk about 'his illness' and our life was like a cloud of secrecy. Another tactic.

Tell us some more about him.

He's an aggressive wanker and you deserve better.

Hi Pawsy, thanks for your message, this has been a revelation for me, apologies for all the duplicate posts.

As I mentioned, he can be incredibly charming and in the beginning, was the perfect man. I can't even begin to articulate how his behaviour plays tricks on my mind.

When he says something truly awful during a fight like "no one would care if you died, you have no one in your life" (- this seems to be his particular favourite and as it happens, both my parents are dead and I have no siblings) I almost believe him when he later says that he didn't mean it and he was just angry. I mean, what NORMAL person would ever say that to someone, not least their own wife? Can you see why this has been a mind for me? :-(

Hi Pawsy, thanks for your message, this has been a revelation for me, apologies for all the duplicate posts.

As I mentioned, he can be incredibly charming and in the beginning, was the perfect man. I can't even begin to articulate how his behaviour plays tricks on my mind.

When he says something truly awful during a fight like "no one would care if you died, you have no one in your life" (- this seems to be his particular favourite and as it happens, both my parents are dead and I have no siblings) I almost believe him when he later says that he didn't mean it and he was just angry. I mean, what NORMAL person would ever say that to someone, not least their own wife? Can you see why this has been a mind for me? :-(

Abusive.
Read "why does he do that"
See a lawyer. Get informed on finance etc.
See a counsellor on your own.
Leave.

Thing is, RCD, he only says these things to you. He doesn't say them to his boss or his work colleagues or his mates. So he doesn't have an anger problem at all. He actually enjoys keeping you in your place and confusing you - it is a kick for him. He doesn't actually even like you, but he loves what you do for him and everything is geared to keeping you in your role, particularly the carefully judged 'apologies'.

Now you have told us, start telling your friends what he is like. Just like posting here, once it is out of your mouth you will be able to see it all properly, see how wrong and abusive his behaviour is.

It will help when you tell him to leave, and it will help in the next few months when you will have a bit of shit to sort out because he will be unable to process that his whipping post is no longer compliant... Get your friends onside. Get your manager or HR at work onside. Get all the help you can.

We will all be here as well.

Haffiana, you've hit the nail on the head. He doesn't like me - he's jealous and resentful - of his own wife! How crazy is that?

There is a pattern to his "niceness", usually when he wants something, usually sex or if he's going to benefit from something financially.

If I ask him to do something, a pan got stuck behind a drawer in the kitchen for example, he's like "what have YOU done now???"....so bloody irritating and just another put down. I've done nothing, the pan slipped behind the drawer, why the need to put me down - just get it out!

He has benefited very nicely from our marriage and will walk away with a great deal more than he brought. He's a con artist. Plain and simple and I'm sad that I've wasted five years with him but better 5 than 10 x

Haffiana, you've hit the nail on the head. He doesn't like me - he's jealous and resentful - of his own wife! How crazy is that?

There is a pattern to his "niceness", usually when he wants something, usually sex or if he's going to benefit from something financially.

If I ask him to do something, a pan got stuck behind a drawer in the kitchen for example, he's like "what have YOU done now???"....so bloody irritating and just another put down. I've done nothing, the pan slipped behind the drawer, why the need to put me down - just get it out!

He has benefited very nicely from our marriage and will walk away with a great deal more than he brought. He's a con artist. Plain and simple and I'm sad that I've wasted five years with him but better 5 than 10 x

He is a horrible bully and the threats are a way of controlling you and making you too scared to leave him.

hey OP have you heard of the freedom program?

Fantastic! You're leaving! This is where I was a year ago.

Think of it...

You'll be able to have your own opinions again. See who you want again. Feel sexy and loved and desired again. Enjoys the things you like again. star in your own life again instead of being his accessory. You'll be the full person you really are again.

And I bet you one thing you'll never allow anyone to treat you like that again. Because its not love its ownership. And what I realised last year is no one can own me but ME! that means no compromise - if you're invalidating my worth my feelings my experience then youre OUT

Thanks again everyone! I have no idea why my posts are duping but I guess that's the least of my worries right now - lol!

Deep down, I know his behaviour is abusive and I know he is a bully. I've told him numerous times. It comes down to my own confidence - he has made me question everything about myself. Outwardly I know I appear really confident, I run my own business, I make difficult decisions on a daily basis. He has made me question myself so much, using things I've confided in him previously, against me and to his own gain. He's also tried to say that I'm the bully and that everyone is scared of me! Just constant mind games, trying to run me down constantly. I will leave him, without a doubt.