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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it as bad as I think it is?

57 replies

RCD2018 · 27/01/2018 19:31

I'm really struggling with the fact that I know my husband's behaviour is absolutely unacceptable but he is so manipulative and charming, that he has actually made me begin to question my own sanity and ask whether I'm to blame for the situation.

We're unable to have conversations (certainly re. money) like adults and any attempts to do this quickly descend into screaming arguments. I've been told over the last 4 years that I'm a piece of , a C U Next Tuesday, that no one would care if I died, I have no friends and the ones I do have don't really like me, I'm greedy, all I care about is money....the list goes on and on. I have also said nasty things in retaliation but he seems to go to another level.

He has punched and broken doors during our fights, thrown things and has driven at speed whilst I'm in the car, seemingly in an attempt to frighten me. If I try to talk to him about anything, he rushes me through the situation, clearly not interested or even really listening, making me feel stressed and anxious. If we're out in a bar or restaurant and end up having a heated conversation (for which he is equally responsible) he threatens to leave and on a number of occasions, has walked off and left me.

On a more trivial basis, he never asks how my day was, or walks our dog, which I find incredibly unfair to the dog HE wanted, and is also unfair to me as I also work only hours and bring 50% of the finances into our home.

After we've fallen out and we make up, he tells me that he's sorry but I just "push his buttons" and he knows he has an awful temper. During the first few months of our relationship, he pursued me and was the perfect man - certainly not the man he is now.

I know I need to leave but he twists everything so much that I'm beginning to wonder if sometimes it is me and that he's not as bad as I think he is. I have a very strong personality (or so I thought!) and have never been in this situation before, so it has really knocked me for 6 but I know deep down that I need to get out.

If anyone has experience of a similar situation, I would be so glad to hear from you.

OP posts:
Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 20:39

MyBrilliantDisguise - I know, you are so right. I just have to grow a pair, regain my self respect and tell him it's over. Crikey, I only told the solicitor snippets of the situation in our initial meeting and she said that even him preventing me from using "his" suitcases (I actually bought them but I couldn't be bothered to argue this point at the time) when I wanted to leave last time, and insisting I took my belongings out in bin bags was unreasonable behaviour. Throw in all the other awful stuff and surely no solicitor in the land would advise him to contest the divorce?

OP posts:
Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 20:39

MyBrilliantDisguise - I know, you are so right. I just have to grow a pair, regain my self respect and tell him it's over. Crikey, I only told the solicitor snippets of the situation in our initial meeting and she said that even him preventing me from using "his" suitcases (I actually bought them but I couldn't be bothered to argue this point at the time) when I wanted to leave last time, and insisting I took my belongings out in bin bags was unreasonable behaviour. Throw in all the other awful stuff and surely no solicitor in the land would advise him to contest the divorce?

OP posts:
Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 20:39

MyBrilliantDisguise - I know, you are so right. I just have to grow a pair, regain my self respect and tell him it's over. Crikey, I only told the solicitor snippets of the situation in our initial meeting and she said that even him preventing me from using "his" suitcases (I actually bought them but I couldn't be bothered to argue this point at the time) when I wanted to leave last time, and insisting I took my belongings out in bin bags was unreasonable behaviour. Throw in all the other awful stuff and surely no solicitor in the land would advise him to contest the divorce?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/01/2018 20:46

But why were you trying to leave when he was there? I wouldn't do that. I'd get someone to help me while he was at work and just go. Why stay to have a character assassination?

I imagine solicitors would advise him not to contest as he has absolutely no grounds on which to do so, but whether that would stop him is another matter. I'd look forward to a day in court, explaining exactly what he was like. If you have messages from him, make sure you keep them.

Don't waste any more of your life on him, and make sure you do the Freedom Programme as soon as you leave, too. It'll take you a while to get over this man (and the longer you stay with him, the longer it will take you to get over him.)

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2018 20:49

surely no solicitor in the land would advise him to contest the divorce?

You can always find a solicitor who is more interested in fees than justice. And I'm sure he'll spin quite a tale for any solicitor he talks too.

Of course he may be more bluster than bombshells, you just never know with that type. But remember "hope for the best and prepare for the worst".

BewareOfDragons · 28/01/2018 20:59

Definitely call your solicitor first thing tomorrow. you need to end this as quickly as possible.

He will never agree to anything you propose because that doesn't suit a narcissist; he wants to control you. Just plough on on getting yourself out of there. And the dog.

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 21:01

Thanks everyone. All advice gratefully received and will definitely look at the Freedom Programme.

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