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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it as bad as I think it is?

57 replies

RCD2018 · 27/01/2018 19:31

I'm really struggling with the fact that I know my husband's behaviour is absolutely unacceptable but he is so manipulative and charming, that he has actually made me begin to question my own sanity and ask whether I'm to blame for the situation.

We're unable to have conversations (certainly re. money) like adults and any attempts to do this quickly descend into screaming arguments. I've been told over the last 4 years that I'm a piece of , a C U Next Tuesday, that no one would care if I died, I have no friends and the ones I do have don't really like me, I'm greedy, all I care about is money....the list goes on and on. I have also said nasty things in retaliation but he seems to go to another level.

He has punched and broken doors during our fights, thrown things and has driven at speed whilst I'm in the car, seemingly in an attempt to frighten me. If I try to talk to him about anything, he rushes me through the situation, clearly not interested or even really listening, making me feel stressed and anxious. If we're out in a bar or restaurant and end up having a heated conversation (for which he is equally responsible) he threatens to leave and on a number of occasions, has walked off and left me.

On a more trivial basis, he never asks how my day was, or walks our dog, which I find incredibly unfair to the dog HE wanted, and is also unfair to me as I also work only hours and bring 50% of the finances into our home.

After we've fallen out and we make up, he tells me that he's sorry but I just "push his buttons" and he knows he has an awful temper. During the first few months of our relationship, he pursued me and was the perfect man - certainly not the man he is now.

I know I need to leave but he twists everything so much that I'm beginning to wonder if sometimes it is me and that he's not as bad as I think he is. I have a very strong personality (or so I thought!) and have never been in this situation before, so it has really knocked me for 6 but I know deep down that I need to get out.

If anyone has experience of a similar situation, I would be so glad to hear from you.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 28/01/2018 00:13

@RCD2018

I actually didn't finish reading your original post because my head was screaming 'He's a NARCISSIST!' and I knew what the craic was before even finishing it!

So glad you wised up.

Go google 'The Human Magnet Syndrome' book and YouTube clips. It talks about attracting your opposites. Interesting stuff.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2018 02:57

So he threatens to 'ruin you' or 'take every penny'? Well, I don't know about you, love, but I'd rather eat stale bread in a bedsit by myself in peace than dine on caviar and filet in a mansion with a man like that.

I know you said you'd sought legal counsel. I suggest you do so again. This time, take a good picture of your finances, what you brought to the marriage, and any contributions he's made (or lack thereof). Tell the solicitor about his abusive behaviour and his threats to 'take everything'. I have a feeling that his threats may be a bit emptier than you fear.

PawsyMcPawFace · 28/01/2018 12:45

yep my STBXH accuses me of being a bully. I control everything, I'm a gold digger...blah blah blah. The way i think of it is; everything he accuses me of - he himself is guilty of. Once he'd accused me of being a bully, that kind of opened my eyes. I have absolute faith that I am not a bully, far, far from it. So as far as I'm concerned, his thought process is deluded, deranged, ridiculous, dysfunctional. I discount everything that comes out of his mouth now. And of course it's easier to see all this when I'm out of the situation.

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 15:32

Just met DH on the stairs. I was planning to stay at a friends on the Friday night anyway (and had told him this) but after he called me a ing piece of in the morning, I left earlier and returned last night. He accused me of having an affair (it always come down to this, it couldn't possibly be his behaviour) and basically told me had hadn't loved me for months, he loved all his exes more than me and that he would be putting (our) house on the market tomorrow! How do you deal with someone so unreasonable? IMO, this is not the behaviour of a real man...he is just so utterly childish and quite honestly, just pathetic. I feel sad that I've wasted five years of my life with him but better that I get out now than waste any more precious time. Thank you everyone for your support and comments x

OP posts:
fc301 · 28/01/2018 15:38

Well in some ways he's making it easier for you as his behaviour is ridiculous.
I think you need legal advice ASAP with regards the house.

Charismam · 28/01/2018 15:41

wow, so what pushes his buttons is somebody expecting him to meet her half way or to do his share around the house. Any attempt to make the relationship egalitarian and respectful pushes his buttons.

He sounds like my x tbh!

I don't miss him. I wasted 7. Go while it's only 5.

Next time he accuses you of x, y or z don't even deny the charge, you're not in the dock, you don't need to defend yourself to him
It is much more powerful to say to him ''I'm not responsible for the conclusions you draw''

Charismam · 28/01/2018 15:43

I agree with acrossthepond55, I'd rather sit in a tiny bedsit and just be able to enjoy the simple peace of a cup of tea and the crossword or a book, uninterrupted by abuse.

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 15:45

Thank you fc301 and I completely agree. I'm going to contact the solicitor again tomorrow - she has already advised me to stay in the house as long as possible but if it becomes too difficult to stay, that I should leave and reclaim for the rent I'll need to pay as DH has already said he will expect me to pay half the mortgage (oh, and half the bills!) I do think that the best path for me would be to leave but I don't see why I should have to under the circumstances. If it becomes unbearable then I will, as no amount of money or belongings are worth risking your health and safety.

OP posts:
Charismam · 28/01/2018 15:51

ps, sorry for all the repeat posts but I can identify with what you say about appearing confident on the outside.

You're clearly capable and intelligent as you're running your own business. But there are different layers of confidence. You can have core confidence which is unaffected by any tangible accomplishment or failure.. You lack that. He's making you doubt yourself. Running your own business should be charging you, giving you inner confidence but he is depleting it quicker than your success in life can recharge it.

I realised after I left my x that I was a sociable, outgoing extrovert without confidence. Since I left him I have become a little bit more introverted I think, but a lot more certain of my decisions and I have a much stronger sense of my self. I wouldn't even have realised once upon a time that a functioning extrovert could lack self worth to the degree that I did. I didn't understand why I couldn't leave him.

But all of the energy and tactics that you channel in to staying sane under the same roof as him, all of the mental gymnastics that you put in to defending yourself against all of the ridiculous charges against you, when you leave a man like that you find that life seems EASY in comparison. You will no longer be tiptoeing around an arsehole and trying to bite back resentment, or balance FEAR of his temper with asserting some small need or right. It will free you up. A marriage like this is no crutch. It is kryptonite.

Charismam · 28/01/2018 15:53

I agree with you, your sanity isn't worth a few extra grand that you MIGHT get if you stay in the house. Just get out, proceed with the divorce, hopefully you get something, but with a man like this who will fight for the purposes of seeing you destroyed, I think if you appear not to care it takes the scent of blood out of the hunt.

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 16:01

Charismam, what you've said makes so mush sense. I clearly don't have the confidence to leave him, or certainly not up to now. There have been other factors involved, which I won't go into, but he has used these so I stay with him.

When you write "a man like this who will fight for the purposes of seeing you destroyed", it makes total sense to me. He's actually told me before that because I'm so arrogant, he will take great pleasure in destroying me. He said he will get a solicitor who will rip me to pieces. Nice heh? My OP now seems such a silly thing to ask when 35 posts later, I can clearly see who and what he is. Not a nice man. We all have faults, I certainly have many but he is on another level. It is almost feral behaviour. And because it has been SO bad, I've believed him when he said he didn't mean it, because what decent, genuine person behaves like this.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/01/2018 16:24

Op

Please be careful. Once he senses you are backing off he will start to be super nice again. Please don’t buy it. It’s not real and is only a ploy to reel you back in.

Since you have said he is so difficult. I would pretend that you want to sell the house and once it is sold, say you want to rent then flee.

He could be the type of person who just keeps going for you financially with the solicitors - ie not agreeing to any sensible offer just to antagonise you and grinding with pleasure that you will be footing the bill.

Please don’t believe all the nasty stuff he has said. It is him projecting onto you. You deserve much better.

Keep an eye on your finances too

BackInTheRoom · 28/01/2018 16:35

Hey @RCD2018

5 key phrases to disarm a Narcissist:

For ease, here they are:

5 Key phrases to disarm a narcissist:

  1. 'I'm sorry you feel that way'

  2. 'I can accept your faulty perception of me'

  3. 'I have no right to control how you see me'

  4. 'I guess I have to accept how you feel'

  5. 'Your anger is not my responsibility'

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 16:42

Thanks QuiteLikely5 and Bibbidee. He moves from super nasty to nice with such ease. I've been fooled before but not this time.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 28/01/2018 16:43

@RCD2018

This is a very useful site and this particular page is pertinent to your situation:

outofthefog.website/separating-and-divorcing

happypoobum · 28/01/2018 16:45

Please be careful. At least you can see him for what he is now and you can extricate yourself safely.

Don't be surprised if he becomes totally cold. Once he realises you can see through him you will be of no use to him whatsoever. Flowers

BackInTheRoom · 28/01/2018 16:47

Agree @happypoobum

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2018 17:13

Not that you have to follow her example, but my BFF was the one to leave due to his abuse. She lost the home (he refused to pay the mortgage and it was foreclosed) and some of her prized possessions as she had to get out double quick whilst he was out of town. She still says the losses were well worth it to be rid of him. I remember her saying "The house is nothing but bricks and sticks and even precious stuff is still just stuff. I can afford rent and I can always get more stuff". She was right.

I'm not saying to let him have everything, not at all. I'm just saying that you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness, mental health, or physical welfare over a house, no matter how much you love it.

And as far as him saying you 'have' to pay half the household costs if you leave, well, I'm still laughing over that one! Unless there are children involved and they stay in the home (and you haven't mentioned children) then you certainly do NOT have to pay. Ask the solicitor and also ask whether or not you NOT paying could result in him taking a 'credit' on the proceeds in the amount he paid after you left. And be sure to mention to the solicitor if you paid all or most of the house deposit out of pre-marital funds.

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 17:30

@AcrossthePond55 - glad it made you laugh - this one is even better. We don't have children (thankfully) but we do have a dog. The last time I tried to leave, he told me I would need to return to the house, 3.5 days per week, to look after the dog. Even the solicitor smiled at this one.

I have offered for a) for him to move out and I will not only look after the dog but pay all the mortgage and all bills until it has been sold or b) I will move out and pay half to the mortgage and will also take the dog. He won't agree to either. He is an absolute arse and a narcissistic, controlling bully.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/01/2018 17:54

You could surely leave and take the dog.

Is the mortgage huge? Could you not pay it off? Then surely a judge would give you half back and order it to be sold

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 18:09

No, it's a large mortgage so the house will need to be sold. The solicitor said that clearly he doesn't want you to leave - well, why would he when all his needs are being met?! I've been reasonable and offered fair options but he wants his cake and eat it.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/01/2018 18:35

Keep records of all abusive messages/emails etc

Go girl you can do this!

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2018 19:11

Jeez, he sure is an arse RCD. Don't you just love that type of man and their 'pronouncements' of what we will and will not do? Fuck 'em all.

If I were you I'd shoot him I'd stop talking. Just keep it to day to day needed conversations and keep your plans/suggestions to yourself. Recognize that you will NEVER get him to agree to anything. If you offered him a gazillion £ to leave he'd find a reason why it wasn't enough.

Just keep schtum, see the solicitor, and make plans accordingly. Then, when the time is right, make your 'pronouncement' about what you will be doing. It'll be much easier that way.

Original poster
RCD2018 · 28/01/2018 20:14

QuiteLikely5 - kept everything, just in case, good advice though

AcrossthePond55 - lol! Yes, some men certainly love to throw their weight around don't they. I will most certainly take your advice. I doubt I will able to live with him until the property is sold so will most likely need to move out but it will be on my terms.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/01/2018 20:27

Come on, OP. Gird your loins. The longer this relationship continues the bigger the hold he has on you financially. You can afford to leave. Just get out and get a divorce for unreasonable behaviour. He'll fight, but a court will make him sell that house. There's no point waiting for him to leave before you do - he won't.