Have 10 month old baby, relationship with dh awful

[Goldfishshoals]

Fell in love, got married, had a baby...

...and now it's all shit. Awful pregnancy sickness and a blood clot that nearly killed me, weeks in hospital. Awful birth related to the former, suspect I have PTSD. I love the baby, but she doesn't sleep. Have slept no more than 2.5 hours at a time in the last year and a half. Constant exhaustion, forgetfulness and making mistakes.

Our relationship is awful. No sex of any kind since I started to show pregnant. He just went off me. Which I found pretty distressing at first, then I was too ill to care. I broached the subject around 6 months after the baby was born, he assured me he wanted to have sex but [insert list of increasingly weak excuses]. If I'm entirely honest I don't particularly want sex with him either, but I felt I should try to salvage the relationship (and maybe things would get better).

From the start he seems to have regarded himself as my manager when it comes to the baby (telling me when to feed her, telling me I should be taking her out to get social interaction, telling me not to let her sleep in the morning, telling me everything I do is creating 'bad habits', telling me I shouldn't sleep with her, etc).

Other new mums talk about the inner voice of self criticism, mine is not inner, it's my DH.

He works from home, and he's moved out of his office into the main living area (he expects me to keep the baby quiet while he makes work related phone calls..) so he can tell me I'm wrong all day. Weekends he always has 'chores' to do which he makes sure takes the whole weekend (i.e. deciding to cook a Sunday roast which then somehow takes the whole day) so I never get a break. He moans he never gets a break either because of the drawn out chores, and that he's more tired than me because when I went to sleep early (reality : holding a screaming baby) he stayed up having a drink and watching a movie (my heart bleeds).

Today we've had a huge row because for several days now he's been making digs at me over how sorry he feels for our daughter because she must be so bored because I don't play with her enough.

I try to take her out the house for a walk each day, I read to her every day, I get out different toys. I swim with her once a week, we both take her to a baby class (his idea - I've taken her alone sometimes, he refuses to go alone). I feed her, I talk to her, I snuggle and bounce her, I sing her nursery rhymes and play peek-a-boo. I also let her explore on her own with me just keeping an eye, and during this time will have a cup of tea and look things up online (often 'why is my baby doing that' or recipes suitable for babies etc). Which is when he heckles me for being a shit parent.

I got angry and told him to stop bitching at me, he said I was starting a fight. I pointed out that I'd feel a lot more relaxed about playing with her if he wasn't there in the room telling me I'm doing it wrong the whole time. It turned into a slanging match. I told him if I was so shit he should probably take over looking after our daughter this evening (which he is). I just can't take it anymore.

I don't know how everything has got so awful and I have no idea how to try to turn things around. During the argument he actually said to me "you just want a happy carefree life", and I thought "yes! I do. Doesn't everyone?" Why doesn't he want us to be happy?

He's not going to move back to the office, and the next time you ask about it, something else will get thrown, a wall will get punched, or you will get a shove or a slap. He's given himself permission to ramp up the abuse.
Sorry but this is not salvageable and the sooner you get rid of him, the better.

Hold on, You are not allowed to use your phone without an inquisition ???
we are right in Domestic, emotional abuse territory here
There is a "cycle of abuse", he just pushed it too far & is now winding you back with empty promises. it is the script.

Why is the office, neither an office nor bedroom ? This is crazy. there are only 2.

This is someone who cleans a toilet with a toothbrush. He has some serious issues, & frankly the counselling he needs is for OCD.
Nothing will ever be good enough, he needs to see He has a problem, you are just "normal".

You will get all the answers you need over this w/e;
Will he continue the belittling/criticising/correcting ?
Will he help & let you get some rest ?
Will he move his shit back to the office ?
Will he piss about cooking (tell him you would happily eat pizza if it allowed you to get some sleep/time off.

Frankly I doubt he will manage to keep up the show for long.
He can always continue making the baby laugh, when you are separated. & if you are on your phone & he intervenes, you can say, "Just fuck off Bully boy"......

I would suggest you pack a bag for you and the baby and stay with your parents for a bit. You need sleep and support. I remember the utter fog of exhaustion when you get no sleep for weeks and months. Once you've got some rest and feel more like a human being again, you can think about what you actually want.

Your husband sounds like an utter bastard. I originally thought he may be finding it hard to adjust, but since the cup throwing incident, I realise he's just an abusive wanker. A man shouldn't need to be told that throwing objects during an argument is wrong. And this time he hit your baby. He may have not meant to hit her, but he definitely meant to put you back in your place.

You are doing nothing wrong. Having a baby is bloody hard work.

I'd pack some things and go and stay with your parents for a few days. Get some space from each other and some support with the baby, clear your head without him constantly undermining you .

This is no life for you or the baby. Even the fact that he picked something up and threw it with a baby in the same room would be enough to make me pack my things and leave.

I agree with everything IrisAtwood said. He is creating an abusive home environment. This will negatively affect your DD growing up unless something (HE!) changes!

Ok, if we give this twat the benifit of the doubt and say he is one of life's perfectionist/control freaks... likes everything 'just so and ordered'. That he is struggling to deal with the chaos that a new baby brings. And struggling with things/you not being exactly how they were.
Well any non abusive man who has just happened to behave like a total arse for the past 10 months would see this incident as a huge wake up call. He would be completely mortified and immedarrnage CPU selling and anger management therapy for himself with no prompting. He would immediately sort out the office situation and be meek and shameful around the house. You would be able to see the remorse coming off him.

If he continues to minimize and excuse and deflect his behaviour. Says he'll go to counseling but sit back and wait to see if our bother to arrange something, if he continues to criticize and act like the "big man" around the house with no hint of shame then you have your answer I'm afraid OP.

Do you feel safe? Do you think you and Your Lo would be in any danger if he felt like this incident might trigger you to move out?? Abusive men often get worse if they sense their hold over someone is slipping.

Can you go for a walk with baby and call woman's aid for advice? Stay safe OP.

edit: He would be completely mortified and immediately arrange counseling and anger management therapy for himself with no prompting

Typo sorry

he is the all time expert on everything, he won't be looking for a councillor, its a smoke screen.
I'd give him the w/e to confirm he has no intention of changing a thing.
Then leave

I don't have the money to take her anywhere that costs or would involve a bus journey. It's hard.

OP, what is the money situation? Why can't you take her anywhere that costs or involve a bus journey ? Do you have equal, fair and unfettered access to family money ?

OP regarding not affording money for a bus journey. I'm not sure where your located but have you heard of the charity Homestart? They provide help and support for parents who are isolated or struggling. They have family groups that you can attend if you meet their criteria for support (which given what you've said I'd imagine you would do).
They often provide free transport to the group where you can meet other new mums and your daughter could play and meet other children. It's just an idea for how you could get out and about without the expense?

Firstly you are not a shit mum, he’s being a shit father and husband.

Tell him you’ll be using his office as a play area as he’s not using it, and use that space for some one on one time with your baby, away from him.

Tell him that he’s having the baby for X hours every weekend between certain times and take this time to do something for you. Even if it’s just a coffee out, plus you will be getting every Sunday to lie in, he can have Saturday and it’s up to him if he uses it or not.

He’s abusive !

You are a brilliant Mum.
He is emotionally abusive and controlling and the throwing of the cup is the beginning of him being physically abusive. It will escalate.
Read Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” And do the Freedom Programme. You don’t have to go to group you can do it online.
Am I right in thinking you are married? When you say that it is “his house” you do realise it is your joint house as you are married? If you divorce you will be entitled to half. Get some legal advice.
You only get one life. Are you going to spend your one and only life with this nasty man??

How are you doing, Goldfish?

You need to tell him that you both need counselling - ALONE!
It is never recommended to have joint counselling with an abuser.
Any decent counsellor won't allow it anyway.

My dd went to counselling with her abusive ex, hoping to find a co-parenting arrangement that would work for their child. The counsellors charged a fortune and when they talked about an incident where he attacked her, they blamed her for having provoked him!