Have 10 month old baby, relationship with dh awful

[Goldfishshoals]

Fell in love, got married, had a baby...

...and now it's all shit. Awful pregnancy sickness and a blood clot that nearly killed me, weeks in hospital. Awful birth related to the former, suspect I have PTSD. I love the baby, but she doesn't sleep. Have slept no more than 2.5 hours at a time in the last year and a half. Constant exhaustion, forgetfulness and making mistakes.

Our relationship is awful. No sex of any kind since I started to show pregnant. He just went off me. Which I found pretty distressing at first, then I was too ill to care. I broached the subject around 6 months after the baby was born, he assured me he wanted to have sex but [insert list of increasingly weak excuses]. If I'm entirely honest I don't particularly want sex with him either, but I felt I should try to salvage the relationship (and maybe things would get better).

From the start he seems to have regarded himself as my manager when it comes to the baby (telling me when to feed her, telling me I should be taking her out to get social interaction, telling me not to let her sleep in the morning, telling me everything I do is creating 'bad habits', telling me I shouldn't sleep with her, etc).

Other new mums talk about the inner voice of self criticism, mine is not inner, it's my DH.

He works from home, and he's moved out of his office into the main living area (he expects me to keep the baby quiet while he makes work related phone calls..) so he can tell me I'm wrong all day. Weekends he always has 'chores' to do which he makes sure takes the whole weekend (i.e. deciding to cook a Sunday roast which then somehow takes the whole day) so I never get a break. He moans he never gets a break either because of the drawn out chores, and that he's more tired than me because when I went to sleep early (reality : holding a screaming baby) he stayed up having a drink and watching a movie (my heart bleeds).

Today we've had a huge row because for several days now he's been making digs at me over how sorry he feels for our daughter because she must be so bored because I don't play with her enough.

I try to take her out the house for a walk each day, I read to her every day, I get out different toys. I swim with her once a week, we both take her to a baby class (his idea - I've taken her alone sometimes, he refuses to go alone). I feed her, I talk to her, I snuggle and bounce her, I sing her nursery rhymes and play peek-a-boo. I also let her explore on her own with me just keeping an eye, and during this time will have a cup of tea and look things up online (often 'why is my baby doing that' or recipes suitable for babies etc). Which is when he heckles me for being a shit parent.

I got angry and told him to stop bitching at me, he said I was starting a fight. I pointed out that I'd feel a lot more relaxed about playing with her if he wasn't there in the room telling me I'm doing it wrong the whole time. It turned into a slanging match. I told him if I was so shit he should probably take over looking after our daughter this evening (which he is). I just can't take it anymore.

I don't know how everything has got so awful and I have no idea how to try to turn things around. During the argument he actually said to me "you just want a happy carefree life", and I thought "yes! I do. Doesn't everyone?" Why doesn't he want us to be happy?

OP I can tell from your thread how deeply you love your DD. Please do not doubt yourself. Parenthood is full of extreme feelings of guilt and we all go through it. However, we don't all have a controlling and abusive partner to bring us down. This is not normal. He is the problem. Not you!

Do you love him anymore?

You need to have a big think about where to go from here. How you want your future to be. How your life will be without him dragging you down constantly.

But for now, right now, tell that self doubt to do one because you are a fantastic mum

I'm not surprised you feel shit, anyone would having to listen to someone constantly putting them down. However, 18 months and having no room of her own, no sleep beyond two and a half hours, co-sleeping and still breastfeeding, maybe he has a point. Perhaps you need to move to the next stage. It's 18 months.

As for his fussing over cleaning.....let him do it, go get a job and start getting some independence and put away some savings. I would be looking at an exit plan.

He is doing more damage than anybody to that baby by being abusive to you in her presence

^^This X a million

He sounds like a grade A abusive twat.

Abuse doesn't just mean hitting someone, he is verbally abusive and emotionally controlling. Men will often ramp it up during pregnancy and post-birth. It's a very common trigger in abusive relationships/domestic violence.

You are absolutely and categorically NOT a shit mum!!!! You are caring and loving for your baby, giving her lots of stimulation and time to explore alone (she NEEDS that for her development trust me! You're not skiving off.

Also agree with everything Alwayspondering says.... you need to seriously consider this relationship. You need to explain to him how unacceptable his behaviour and attitude is. Do you want your DD to be 2/3/4+ fully verbal and cognisant repeating the things he says? Wondering why Daddy doesn't like mummy? We he's mean to mummy? Do you want her to learn this is what a normal healthy and equal relationship looks like and how she can expect to be treated by her future DP..... children learn all these things from primarily their parents relationship

You are doing great. You just need to remove the dead weight dragging you down

However, 18 months and having no room of her own, no sleep beyond two and a half hours, co-sleeping and still breastfeeding, maybe he has a point. Perhaps you need to move to the next stage. It's 18 months.

No not necessarily!!! I BF and coslept with my DD until she was 3 years old. Worked just fine for us

Leave this man, he's always been controlling and now you no longer have the energy to stick up for yourself, he is crushing you.

I don't know how everything has got so awful and I have no idea how to try to turn things around.

I think you need to face up to the real likelihood that it has got this bad because he wants it to be this bad. He gets to feel like a superman by putting you down all the time.

You can’t turn things around because the entire problem is him.

You have accepted this treatment because of your abusive childhood. If you stay with this man your DD will likely end up the same.

Not much to add to the good advice you're getting OP just wanted to say that what you do for DD counts for much, much more than you know. I had (still have but I'm talking about my childhood) a fantastic mum who sounds a lot like you, she wasn't necessarily the one who made me laugh but she did absolutely everything else for me and she was bloody good at it. When I think of my childhood now it's that I remember, the warmth and love and comfort she gave me, how safe she made me feel. That's what you're giving your DD and it counts for everything to her

Just re read that he insists on the bathroom being cleaned with a toothbrush

Fuck me.

He sounds like that creepy controlling man from the film sleeping with the enemy

It's not you, it's him.

As he is sooooo knowledgeable about baby rearing, get him to show you how to do it properly for a whole weekend. Obvs you won't be able to give a hand because, well, he doesn't at weekend does he? Lets see how that feels. You are both parents - you suggest he does 5 hours of proper hands on parenting per week. Not good enough- he needs to do my much more!!

If he won't move the office, i suggest you go out for much of the day with your baby. Fresh air for her, time away from him for you!

I feel for you OP, you have basically married a nutter!! Sadly these weirdos don't always reveal true colours till they have control, such as you being a SAHm. I moved in with someone when my first marriage split after knowing him only 3 months, big mistake, as soon as I was in there he started with the 'couldn't bear pots, only dispisable cutlery and plates etc' he couldn't stand mess of any kind at all, we needed to be living effectively in a Barrett show house, took me over 3 years to get out! You sound a fantastic mum, let him be a fantastic dad--- from a distance!!

What an asshole, he keeps barking orders at you and criticising your parenting yet can't manage to take your kid to playgroup without you so what sort of father does that make him. You sound like your doing a brilliant job don't let this idiot ruin the experience!

This is very upsetting and sad to read. OP, he's got you ground down so that you're doubting yourself and everything you do. This is how manipulative bullying arseholes like him operate. Please, please, start making your exit plan. Enlist friends and family who can help. Don't let him get wind of it until you're sure of what you're doing because rest assured he will try and talk you out of it. for you.

I just wanted to say you honestly sound like you're very attentive and doing an amazing job of being her mother. :) Do not feel guilty.

He sounds like he's being a bit of a dick. (Sorry).

This is scarily similar to my relationship. My DD is nearly 2 now, and partner hasn't become any less of a dick, in fact he's worse and more extreme/creative with the criticism now. I think he's upped the abuse out of frustration that as time has gone by I have got strong again, and he can't stand it. He's been a pain in the arse about my return to part time work, complained about me using a nursery (for the grand total of half a day per week, since she turned 18 months old) and now started saying I get my mum to take DD all the time so I can do nothing. Which is rubbish, I visit my mum a lot but that's because we are close and she loves her granddaughter.

It's not a crime to try and enjoy yourself while looking after your baby, or to take breaks when they amuse themselves.

If you're headed where I've ended up your love for him will totally die, and you'll be slowly getting things lined up to leave him. It didn't get better for me, but I got better and back to myself. It's exhausting though, what helped me was visiting friends or my parents as often as I could just to get out from under the microscope. Join groups if you don't have many other mum friends yet.

The part about taking all day to do a roast made me smile. WTF is that all about? I dread it when my partner cooks, because he makes a racket, spends hours locked away in he kitchen, radio blasting, is incapable of even spending 5 seconds with DD because he's soooo busy, and then produces a meal literally no better than I would with a fraction of the fuss and bother. Of course his work for the day is then done and I get the joy of cleaning the bomb site kitchen and looking after DD.

When I think about how incapable he is I almost feel sorry for him. Then again this is the man who called me a fat f moron for failing to breastfeed when I was 2 weeks post natal, so I have to try and remember that when sympathy or guilt at wanting to leave him creeps on.

Good luck OP!

When men are faced with the difficulty and chaos of new babies, and the fact that the baby is not under their control, they often try to clamp down on everything. This is inadequate and hopeless as a response and you need to put a stop to it and set up some boundaries.

Get him the hell back into his office, tell him how you feel and snap at him every time he is critical - do not hold in your feelings as that is what leads to divorce.

Ask him to do more with the baby, get in a sleep consultant to try to get the baby sleeping longer, as that is clearly going to be causing you major problems.

This is a really difficult time for all mums and dads, but he is making it harder and while he may be trying to pretend he is coping by being bossy, he is not - he has no clue.

His behaviour is making me so angry. What a controlling arse.

Do you have some friends, who have a few hours to spare? If he won’t move out of the living room, make the office your sanctuary, bedroom and living room. Ask your friends to pack all the crap in boxes, pile it in the living room, get a cheap sofa bed for the office. Job done. You won’t have to listen to this nob anymore.

Longer term, you do need to find a solution. But if you’re not with him 24/7, at least you’ll have time to think. And mumsnet when things get bad without him breathing down your neck.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re doing far more right than wrong. And being a good enough parent is good enough. Perfection as a parent is unattainable and even if it were, it is undesirable. The only thing going badly wrong is his abuse. This is what needs to change. It sounds as if he needs therapy tbh. Perhaps he has some kind of mental health issue. This level of control is not normal, not at all.

You say he makes her smile more than you. Probably because her face will light up when she sees him. She sees you and gets attention from you all the time. Blowing raspberries on her tummy, playing round and round the garden, this little piggy and patter cake normally brings lots of smiles and giggles.

What a horrid and soul destroying situation to be in. I am so sorry OP but the most important thing I wasn't to stress is that.. people like this do NOT change. This is who he is. While reading this I really felt empathy for you because I have had a controlling and abusive relationship, and I know how long it took me to leave.. and I didn't have any real ties to hold me to him like marriage or children. It must be so difficult for you and I'm sure you want to hold your family together, but it sounds like you will be doing so at the expense of your happiness and self esteem. Only you can put a stop to this.
I have no doubt that my abusive ex is out there somewhere oppressing and belittling another poor woman.
It disgusts me. IMO the longer you stay the more damage YOU are ALLOWING him to do to you. Take your power back. You do not want your daughter to know you as a broken and abused woman. Or think this is normal. She will one day realise for herself her father's personality disorder.
Make a difficult decision and commit to it. You need to get out because we as humans can only take do much and before you know if you may be retaliating and stooping to his level. This man will drag you down if you let him.
Please continue to keep us updated xx

You are a bloody excellent mother. Have you read over everything you do for your child? He sounds so unsupportive if you, even if he does take your daughter for an hour or 2 a day. What you describe sounds like emotional abuse. He is micromanaging everything you do, why? Grr belittling horrid little man. I wish I had something useful to offer.

Wow this sounds like a terrible situation to find yourself in. It really isn't you here! You sound like a great mum who has had a very rough start to parenting. Have you been to your GP to talk about it?

The other side of things are that your "DH" is abusive. Things have to be to his standards? You can't have any down time? You don't have access to money?

I think you need to start planning an exit - the sooner the better.

It will be easier for you without him.

You sound great. If I was in your situation,I think I would ltb. He's controlling, you don't want to look back on your life and feel you wasted it being unhappy. What do your parents think of him?

I'm pissed off for you and just wish we could all wave our magic wands.
I agree he needs to go back to his office and I would actually decamp to my mum's or sisters' until he has done that.

This man is not on your side, op. He will not help you get more sleep, help you to feel good about yourself or help you come to terms with the trauma of pregnancy and birth. You need to take control to deal with these issues yourself as if he is not there.

Do not be quiet in the living room, he will have to go upstairs. When he starts to criticise tell him that you will not tolerate being spoken to like and mean it. Your life needs to run as if he is not around and then he can decide what he wants to do.
Get angry, op. This man is treating you appallingly.

It's definitely not you - it's him.

Drop all the guilt you have about your little one - you sound like a fabulous mum, and are doing absolutely the right thing with her.

As for DH ...? Hmmm. Time for a SERIOUS chat with him, and then a good long think about where you go from here. I imagine your exhaustion is all enveloping, so get some outside perspective from, say, your DM.

Do you have a HV? Could she make some suggestions as to the domestic set up? I.e. Get the office out of the house. Sometimes better coming from a third party.
Also if she could help address your PND - although I'm sure that's mainly caused by the atmosphere you're trying to live in.

I do think you should seriously question if you want to continue with this man.

Not RTFT just the OP posts.

He is sooooooo horrible! You sound like you are doing a brilliant job and he is getting off on constantly undermining you. This can't go on.

If you want to be in the relationship long term (and I would totally understand if you don't!) then counselling seems essential. I don't know if he can fundamentally change the way he is though, and that's what it would take for him to stop being such an arse

for you though