Have 10 month old baby, relationship with dh awful

[Goldfishshoals]

Fell in love, got married, had a baby...

...and now it's all shit. Awful pregnancy sickness and a blood clot that nearly killed me, weeks in hospital. Awful birth related to the former, suspect I have PTSD. I love the baby, but she doesn't sleep. Have slept no more than 2.5 hours at a time in the last year and a half. Constant exhaustion, forgetfulness and making mistakes.

Our relationship is awful. No sex of any kind since I started to show pregnant. He just went off me. Which I found pretty distressing at first, then I was too ill to care. I broached the subject around 6 months after the baby was born, he assured me he wanted to have sex but [insert list of increasingly weak excuses]. If I'm entirely honest I don't particularly want sex with him either, but I felt I should try to salvage the relationship (and maybe things would get better).

From the start he seems to have regarded himself as my manager when it comes to the baby (telling me when to feed her, telling me I should be taking her out to get social interaction, telling me not to let her sleep in the morning, telling me everything I do is creating 'bad habits', telling me I shouldn't sleep with her, etc).

Other new mums talk about the inner voice of self criticism, mine is not inner, it's my DH.

He works from home, and he's moved out of his office into the main living area (he expects me to keep the baby quiet while he makes work related phone calls..) so he can tell me I'm wrong all day. Weekends he always has 'chores' to do which he makes sure takes the whole weekend (i.e. deciding to cook a Sunday roast which then somehow takes the whole day) so I never get a break. He moans he never gets a break either because of the drawn out chores, and that he's more tired than me because when I went to sleep early (reality : holding a screaming baby) he stayed up having a drink and watching a movie (my heart bleeds).

Today we've had a huge row because for several days now he's been making digs at me over how sorry he feels for our daughter because she must be so bored because I don't play with her enough.

I try to take her out the house for a walk each day, I read to her every day, I get out different toys. I swim with her once a week, we both take her to a baby class (his idea - I've taken her alone sometimes, he refuses to go alone). I feed her, I talk to her, I snuggle and bounce her, I sing her nursery rhymes and play peek-a-boo. I also let her explore on her own with me just keeping an eye, and during this time will have a cup of tea and look things up online (often 'why is my baby doing that' or recipes suitable for babies etc). Which is when he heckles me for being a shit parent.

I got angry and told him to stop bitching at me, he said I was starting a fight. I pointed out that I'd feel a lot more relaxed about playing with her if he wasn't there in the room telling me I'm doing it wrong the whole time. It turned into a slanging match. I told him if I was so shit he should probably take over looking after our daughter this evening (which he is). I just can't take it anymore.

I don't know how everything has got so awful and I have no idea how to try to turn things around. During the argument he actually said to me "you just want a happy carefree life", and I thought "yes! I do. Doesn't everyone?" Why doesn't he want us to be happy?

You sound like a wonderful loving caring mum to your DD.

Personally I would be looking at a very bright & happy future together, without DH.

Oh OP this is awful to read and this man has got you so down.
Please, please, consider leaving him. Please.

You sound amazing

OP you are absolutely NOT A shit mum

You H sounds like a total fucking arsehole though. It's no surprised you are feeling bad - he is determined to put you down and keep you down.

Why doesn't he want us to be happy?
Because he's an abusive asshole!
You absolutely should never ever stay in an abusive relationship.
This sounds like pure hell.
Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Do it when you go out for a walk.
This is no way to live for you or your DD.
Could you go to your mums for a while?
You need a break away from him and you need it soon before he destroys you completely!
WA are very busy, especially at this time of year so keep trying until you get through.
The phone number will not appear on your phone bill.

His ensuring that the office is full and unusable is a really odd move. He has a baby in the house but suddenly feels compelled to work from the family room.
I think he sounds really horrible. Part of you feeling so tired might be that he’s made everything such a battle. Even you just relaxing in your living room can’t just be you and DD. He’s there, mansplaining life, redirecting your every move, telling you off. It’s exhausting reading about him. Living with him must be bloody miserable.

I don't know how you've put up with this for so long.

I'd have blown a gasket and told him this controlling and ovet critical behaviour stops now, or I'm out of here and I'd mean it.

OMG I don't know how you've survived so long without exploding. You must feel absolutely suffocated by this controlling, obsessive nut-job!

Can you take baby and go and stay with your parents for a new nights at least to clear your head and get you out of this toxic/oppressive environment? Then make some serious decisions about your future. Do you want another 18 years of living like that?

Please don't be afraid to make decisions for a life that doesn't involve being bullied by this arsehole. You are NOT a shit Mum.

Leave him. Seriously. See how you go on without him breathing down your neck. I bet you will be happier and more relaxed which may well rub off on the baby! I feel for you, it is hard with a baby, never mind with a smug arrogant 'd'p being unsupportive.

You need to get away from this man. He is a classic abuser. It's all about crushing you to make himself feel better.
Men like this often escalate the abuse in stages - firstly after moving in/marrying, secondly when the woman becomes pregnant (because it will be harder for her to leave and there will be pressure from everyone around her to 'work on the relationship' ie eat shit and smile, for the sake of the baby) and then, once the baby is born, the man can undermine, control and terrorize the woman by using the baby as a weapon - either criticizing everything she does, or threatening to take the baby away/have the woman locked up for being 'mad' if she is disobedient... or by making sure the woman can never have any time to herself by behaving totally irresponsibly around the baby.

You can see he is a narcissistic, abusive bully now.
You know what to do.
You & your baby will be fine without the extra fucking pressure.
You are doing everything right, he is not relieving you in any significant manner.
Solution No 1: saying, I am not accepting this abuse any further.
You get the fuck back to your office, & you do half the care at the w/e
Solution no 2 : I have had it with your abusive bollox. Goodbye

How are you doing OP?

Have you thought about how you are going to move forward from here?

Honestly, I would leave anyone who said I was a bad mother. You're trying to look after your baby in his home office, ffs! That guy is a complete twat. I do think you'd be happier without him.

I've been reading everyone's comments over the day (you've all been so kind and reassuring) but I didn't want to start writing a reply because I might be on my phone for a longer time and didn't want to give him the ammunition to complain at me.

We rowed this morning culminating in him throwing a plastic water cup across the room. It bounced and hit the baby. I seriously lost my temper told him what I thought of him, and took the baby up to the bedroom shutting him out. He was mortified, begging at the door to know if she was ok, calling himself horrible names. She was fine, I reassured him she was ok, and told him to leave us alone for a bit. The way he threw it, the was no way he was intending it to go anywhere near her, it was an accident but at the same time, if he hasn't had a temper tantrum it would have happened.

When we did come down he was very subdued. He apologized (although he did briefly try to imply I was equally to blame for the incident because I upset him). He offered to move out after his current projects. I gave a non committal reply. He asked what I wanted, I said right now for him to move back to the office, for him to stop criticising my parenting, and to stop thinking of me being happy as some sort of bad thing.

He agreed to move into the office tonight, but later downgraded that to the weekend. He suggested we go to counseling. I said I want sure if there was a relationship to save.

It's all such a mess. I can't think straight.

Do you love him anymore?

I don't know. I did love him. I don't hate him. He is really good with our daughter. I feel a bit blank towards him, somehow.

18 months and having no room of her own, no sleep beyond two and a half hours, co-sleeping and still breastfeeding, maybe he has a point.

She's 10 months, as per title. She can't have a room of her own as we only have two bedrooms, and one is the office/junk room. (We are trying to move). I intend to keep breastfeeding till she doesn't want it anymore (it's only 3-4 times over 24hrs now).

Op. I feel like your husband has shown his true colours to you. Dont let him back down on moving back to office. Its brilliant that youve stood up to him now. I really hope things improve, if not, you will find the strength to leave him in time. And you sound like a brilliant mum. Do you have a job to return to?

I couldn’t read this and not reply. Big hug goldfish. It’s a horrible situation.
I’m not a Mum but I wanted to say - your comment about your OH making the baby smile/giggle is something my friends and sisters also say. Generally with a sigh they note that it’s daddy who always gets the big reactions.
Your relationship sounds rock bottom or close. The atmosphere, the abuse and this latest physical eruption are not normal and sound scary. I don’t need to know you to know you and your daughter deserve better.

OK, so your latest update gives a couple of rays of light. He asked you what you want, you gave a very good answer, and he suggested going to counselling. These are positive things.

Can you maybe add to your answer that you get a lie in once a week (for as long as you like)?

What did he say about criticising your parenting? Did he agree to stop doing this? This is the key issue IMO. He needs to back off, stop micro managing you and let you and the baby have a nice time together.

IF he moves back to his office this weekend as promised AND stops criticising your parenting then you may have something to work with.

If he's abusive (which I think he is) , joint counselling is not a good idea. Individual is the way to go.

He's very quick to start minimising and shifting the blame for hitting the baby with the cup. Please keep this incident high in your mind, don't let it go mentally.

At the weekend, I'm betting there'll be some reason he won't move back into the office, possibly something in the shape of a treat for you all to make up for it or he might just blatantly not do it, make some half arsed effort and something will be impossible to do right now. Don't let him away with it.

He threw the cup to intimidate you. It is classic abusive behaviour. Do you throw things when you are upset? I didn’t think so. Neither do most of the people.

If it hadn’t been a plastic cup and was something harder or slightly larger your daughter could be dead or seriously injured.

The police would listen to his story of losing his temper and not meaning to do it and charge him with manslaughter or GBH.

That is the reality . You know what he is capable of now.

And by the way, seeing someone throw things in temper, hearing someone shouting at and abusing someone else is abusive.

I am so sorry, but your child is being raised in an abusive environment. Its horrible and the effects are lifelong. I know because I grew up in a similar situation.

Hi OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Aside from the fact your partner sounds like a total arsehole, quite honestly, I could not forgive the cup hitting the baby. Or throwing it at all tbh. What happens if he throws something heavier / harder and it does hurt the baby? Or he goes to hit you while you are holding the baby and hits her instead? No way. I would be out of there. There is no excuse for violence. Ever. I can't believe he tried to make out you were in some way to blame either. Truly awful. You need to protect your baby and leave. And I would do the exact same if my DH ever behaved aggressively in my home. It is unacceptable. You should feel safe and happy at home, not worried about you and your baby being hurt by some man-child throwing a tantrum. Good luck OP.

He threw something at you
He will continue to be aggressive if you stay with him. Maybe next time he'll throw something heavier and it will hurt you or your baby. Maybe he'll just hit you. Either way he's going to escalate this aggressive behaviour

Can you stay with friends or family? Please consider leaving him

YOU are an amazing mum, you do way more than I did with my 2, and under such pressure and criticism.
HE is a complete controlling shit. Awful, Awful AWFUL man. And he LOVES grinding you down. Makes him feel big. He doesn’t do 1/2 the childcare does he? Where’s all the money in the house? No child benefit? Wages? Why can’t you do anything? Does he control all the Money? Does he not give you any?

goldfish

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is not good with your daughter if he treats you as her mother like this. Throwing items is also seen as an example of domestic violence. There is really nothing to rescue and or save here. BTW what are his parents like?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Do not ever enter into any joint counselling with him. Such counselling is never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship. I think he made such comments with regards to moving back into the office (I see this suggestion of his has already been downgraded by him) and counselling purely and simply as a sop to keep you quiet. He giving you spaghetti head is par for the course with such abusive men. Leaving him is a way forward for you and your child.

You need to tell him that you both need counselling - ALONE!
It is never recommended to have joint counselling with an abuser.
Any decent counsellor won't allow it anyway.
He needs to get some help with his moods, his controlling ways, his abusive ways and his temper.
HE needs to do this.
YOU cannot do it for him.
You going with him will NOT help him with all of those things.
Please do try to get hold of Womens Aid today.
His words are empty.
He's already going back on one of things you wanted.
Make sure he moves back to the office tomorrow!!