Can i ever get my morals and self respect back

[Peppa84]

Please be gentle with me....

Ok. Im married, ive been together with my husband for 10 years nearly. He is moany and stuck in his ways a little but is a fantastic man and father.
Drinking is a slight issue for him. By no means does he has a problem. Doesnt drink monday to friday, but then makes up for it at the wkend, he is the most irritating drunk man.

Anyway, totally off guard last year, and something i said i would never do, i started a dirty sordid affair with a married man. I dont know why, life was pretty good.
Its ended after a few weeks, but then we restarted it again in October. I kept trying to end it, but he kept reeling me back in.... until.... his wife found out.
Im mortified, the fog has lifted and ive realised what we have done. He is still lying to her, telling her we hadnt slept together but either way, she has kicked him out and he 'says' its looking doubtful they will sort it out.
We have finally blocked each other and its now time to move on.
Luckily, he has kept quiet about any of my details so i am now able to have the time to evaluate my life and see what needs fixing and how.
(Very aware he only didnt give my details to save his own bacon)
I feel awful for her and what she has seen, i cant stop thinking about how she felt when she first saw our convo's.
Ive totally fucked things up, i know this... i cant even call it a mistake as it happened more than once despite knowing it was wrong and trying to end things on numerous occasions

The hardest thing is knowing im not a good person. I know its all deserved. But can i be a good person again do you think?

But can i be a good person again do you think?

Yes you can...but only with some in depth personal reflection and answering the question of 'why'.

Why did you give yourself permission to have an affair?

Why didn't you think about the consequences?

Why didn't you think what this would do to your DH and family if they found out?

Are you brave enough to tell your DH?
Could he forgive you with time and counselling?
You say he doesn't have a drink problem but if he's drinking to excess and becoming an arse every weekend, then there could well be a problem.
You are having to live with this every weekend.
Would he address that issue?
When you say 'irritating drunk man' what does this entail exactly?
What you've done, for me, would be totally unforgivable but only you know if your DH would be able to move on from it and try to improve your relationship.

I suspect your husband may well be an alcoholic. Just saying.

Your affair partner is a skank isn't he? So that's two awful men you have chosen. Perhaps some therapy to work out what's going on with you xx

Thank you for being easy on me.

Why? I really don't know. Ive recently lost some weight, so could be confidence perhaps, the attention also played a part.
Other than that, i dont know.
I knew it was wrong the whole time and often thought of the consequences... so that probably makes me much worse. I just thought we wouldnt get caught.
I need to use this a wake up call, ive been very lucky that it wasnt my husband that found out.

Telling him isnt an option. To be honest, he may take me back, i really dont know but it would break him. He is ever so sensitive and a deep person.
The drinking. I tell him every single wkend. Ive told him i dont mind a drink on a Saturday but would like Sundays to be relaxing and no drinking but all he does is look to put himself in a situation to have a drink.. ie, lets order a curry, knowing i will want one, but he then says he would like a beer to wash it down with. He is one of these that cant just have 1 or 2... he binge drinks to get drunk.
When he is drunk, he just acts a tool, he isnt violent or nasty... just acts very drunk and looks very drunk and i hate being around him when he gets to that point. He knows this, and despite me telling him constantly that i want this to change, it doesnt.
He really is a decent man though.

And, if the tables were turned, i dont think i would forgive him either, ironic!!

Be a good person?

I'd like to think we're all good people that do bad things. I don't think your inherently bad op

Being a good person is a choice. You are not a bad person but you did make a series of poor choices. However, take responsibility for your actions: 'I kept trying to end it, but he kept reeling me back'. Come on!

I don't really see the connection. Your DH pisses you off at the weekend. You have a full blown affair? Are you blaming him? Or excusing yourself?

Affairs can be symptomatic of problems in the relationship, not the cause. Your relationship has major problems in it; his being stuck in his ways, his moaning and his binge drinking. I cannot condone your own poor choices but the affair was probably a distraction from your H and his myriad of issues.

Why do you call him a both fantastic father and H; this denial of yours is not helping you at all is it?. I think you are a good person who is making poor choices; I would also suggest you see a counsellor to unravel exactly why that is.

What is your definition of an alcoholic; they do not all sit on park benches.

Your H binge drinks and you are trying to police his drinking without any success (unsurprisingly).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

I don't think the OP is blaming him at all.
In fact she is stating he's a lovely decent person.

But OP, I do think his drinking is a problem.
Could you record him and show him what he's like?
If he drinks just to get drunk then that is a big issue!

You outline how your DH is a good guy etc..
But you don't say if you actually love him.
Do you love him? Romantically?
Do you find him attractive?
Want to have sex with him all the time?

Please get some counselling for yourself.
Understand why you did this.
I think you'll find there are more underlying issues you need to tackle.

@springydaffs her dh is an awful man because he drinks at the weekend?

I also agree with @dumbolickous there’s not much connection here, your last post is all about how him and how you’ve wanted him to change (and its only this one thing by the sounds of it).

You’ve done what you have now, if you’re really not happy then there either needs to be full disclosure between the both of you or you need to leave.

If you want to stay in your marriage then you need to figure out why you did this. According to MN its ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ when the roles are reversed.
You need to figure out what is that made you decide to cheat and decide if there’s a risk of it happening again.
If as you say the OM ‘reeled you in’, you need to think about what could happen if another similar man comes in to your life.

Peppa, you don't need to tell your husband and - unless you really think you need it - you don't need therapy either. You're cognisant of the fact that what you did is wrong and you have empathy for the hurt you have been complicit in causing his wife.

It would however do you ENORMOUS harm to ever connect with this man again so DON'T. Make that your 'penance' if you feel you need it.

You're forewarned now how easy it is to walk into an affair and how much of a 'bubble' that can be - so you won't do that again, not without actively deciding to do it. That's to your benefit and you can use that experience to protect yourself better so that confidence 'blips' don't knock you of balance. I was an OW once and I know how easy it is for this to happen/make it happen/whatever. That knowledge keeps me from ever doing it again.

Give yourself permission to get past this and - in my opinion - stay away from answering questions about it. Nobody needs to know why you did this and navel gazing takes you only so far.

It's happened, it's done and you're not a 'bad' person so don't let anybody put that on you.

Wow! Thank you for the replies...

Firstly, my husband does have his faults but he really is a good man. Works hard and loves his family.
I started this affair when i was (or perhaps thought) things were good. It wasnt until we stopped the first time, that i realised there was a few things in my marriage i wasnt happy about, the drinking being one of them. So, no, im not using his drinking as an excuse. This isnt his fault at all. Only mine.
Yeah, he reeled me back in... but i was weak and i suppose he didnt need to try that much. I could have been stronger, i should have been stronger.
Springy - my husband really isnt an awful man, and i apologise if thats how it has come across. He works 60 hours a week and i understand his reasoning when he says he likes to unwind with a beer on a Saturday night... but on the flip side, i think somewhere, there may be a slight problem.
I really do want to save my marriage... i do love my husband, we have been through so much together but i do think we have lost 'us' in all of that, im sad about that.

Im glad the OM blocked me when i requested him too... i need to move on and sort my marriage out

i do think we have lost 'us' in all of that
Please have some counselling together.
Work on the issues and tackle them head on.
Get back to being 'us' again.
It's not impossible, it will just take some work.

OK, my bad. Alcoholics aren't awful people bit they behave like awful people. Being on a relationship with an alcoholic is, well, not a relationship bcs their primary relationship, their lover that takes precedence hands down every time is the booze. It's a miserable existence being in a relationship with an addict. He probably kids himself he doesn't have a problem bcs he doesn't drink during the week but he clearly does have a problem, he is drinking alcoholically. It's very very lonely being in a relationship with an addict, they simply aren't there.

Then you've had an affair with a man who sjags someone else and, when his wife finds out, he lies to her about the extent of the affair.

Two awful relationships

See, OP, I think the drinking is a big problem. He works hard all week, you don't spend time together and come the weekend, he's rat arsed. That would make me miserable and very lonely. You have told him how it makes you fee yet he can't/won't stop the drinking. He's got a problem and you are in denial. I had a one night stand once - it woke me up to the fact that not only was I utterly miserable in my relationship but that I no longer cared if things got better. So I left and it was a huge weight from my shoulders to admit I was happier. I felt like I should have been standing by my man and doing everything to make it work. He was an alcoholic, very loud and jolly when drunk, and I am sure his drinking buddies were shocked that I would want to leave the life and soul of the party. They didn't see what my life was like with him at home. Personally, I think you need to ask yourself some questions or this is going to happen again. Affairs DO make you feel good when you are at your lowest. And while I sympathise with your unhappiness, I have a lot more sympathy for the woman you helped hurt who has done nothing to you. Affairs are toxic. Figure out why you kept going back for more, because that's what you really need to know.

Hi OP

This is probably the best article I've read about Infidelity and believe me, I'VE READ A LOT!

<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/" target="_blank">https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/

Sorry, OP, I just re-read my post and I should have made it clear, I am not saying you are unhappy with your relationship, just telling you my story. You might be happy, I don't know but you do need to ask yourself why you kept going back.

You need to tell your DH so he can have an STD test.

(Very aware he only didnt give my details to save his own bacon)

You aren't telling your DH to save your own bacon too.

I

Bibbidee that article was VERY good!

Bibbidee that article is VERY good!

@Peppa84

I kept trying to end it, but he kept reeling me back in....

No, you made a conscious decision to cheat so you need to own it before you do anything else.

I'll give you an example:

You made the decision to talk to another man.

You made the decision to discuss intimate details with this man.

You made the decision to lie and meet this man.

You made the decision to have sex with this man.

All those decisions were made BEFORE he 'reeled' you back in.

I think your DP's drinking ain't great but it's probably what goes on in households across the country. I'm not condoning it but I think this is your excuse as to why you cheated.

Btw I'm a betrayed spouse but I'm not judging you but unless you consciously own your part in this affair, you will be detached from the decision making going forward.

Drinking is a slight issue for him. By no means does he has a problem.

I don't think he does tbh. By mentioning this you are detracting from what you did. Almost clutching at straws as it were to give a reason why you cheated. Again not judging but I'm just saying what I'm thinking.

I very much agree with this from Bibbidee
"unless you consciously own your part in this affair, you will be detached from the decision making going forward."

If you think your introspection is powerful enough to shine on all of the facets in your relationship both with your husband and your affair partner, you can repair yourself without involving other people.

I'd like to say that you can do a 're-set' but actually, I don't think you can. This is one of those life experiences that changes a person in my view, but that said, it doesn't mean that you can't come out of the mist as an even more complete person.

You're being very hard on yourself in my opinion.

Well I think that OP's husband has a drink problem if he puts himself in the position of needing to have a drink and manoeuvring the OP into it, only to them binge drink. That's not what somebody who doesn't have an alcohol problem, does.

I would find that very tiresome indeed. I'm teetotal myself but I have no problem with people around me drinking alcohol, as long as they don't try to make me have it - or behave like a 'tool' (in OP's words) having binged. This seems to be a recurrent theme too from what OP has said.