Can i ever get my morals and self respect back

[Peppa84]

Please be gentle with me....

Ok. Im married, ive been together with my husband for 10 years nearly. He is moany and stuck in his ways a little but is a fantastic man and father.
Drinking is a slight issue for him. By no means does he has a problem. Doesnt drink monday to friday, but then makes up for it at the wkend, he is the most irritating drunk man.

Anyway, totally off guard last year, and something i said i would never do, i started a dirty sordid affair with a married man. I dont know why, life was pretty good.
Its ended after a few weeks, but then we restarted it again in October. I kept trying to end it, but he kept reeling me back in.... until.... his wife found out.
Im mortified, the fog has lifted and ive realised what we have done. He is still lying to her, telling her we hadnt slept together but either way, she has kicked him out and he 'says' its looking doubtful they will sort it out.
We have finally blocked each other and its now time to move on.
Luckily, he has kept quiet about any of my details so i am now able to have the time to evaluate my life and see what needs fixing and how.
(Very aware he only didnt give my details to save his own bacon)
I feel awful for her and what she has seen, i cant stop thinking about how she felt when she first saw our convo's.
Ive totally fucked things up, i know this... i cant even call it a mistake as it happened more than once despite knowing it was wrong and trying to end things on numerous occasions

The hardest thing is knowing im not a good person. I know its all deserved. But can i be a good person again do you think?

I once had an affair with a work colleague - it was different as I wasn’t married but in a difficult relationship that needed to end, while my affair partner was married. I went to counselling on my own because I needed to work out how and why i’d done it. Essentially I was with someone who treated me quite poorly but who I felt too guilty to leave - I was primed for the affair to happen. Counselling really helped me sort things through and know what choices I would make never to be in the situation again. These were not just about ‘don’t cheat’ but also about choosing l/developing relationships that didn’t land me in such a mess. I also felt very guilty, to my ex and the wife, but ultimately you have to work on your own choices and actions in a constructive way and move on - and feel as though you’ve taken responsibility for what has happened. I’d thoroughly recommend counselling for that.

Ps - if you mention your dh’s drinking so much, it seems that it or something the drinking symbolises is a big issue. If he continues drinking and another attractive potential affair partner comes along, will you be able to resist? Was the affair revenge for his drinking? Something has to change in you, but quite possibly him as well.

Thanks all for your words. Whilst cooking dinner and having a bath, its all been whirling in my head.
I need to clarify this, DH drinking is NOT the reason i had this affair and not once have i said it was or used it as an excuse. I started this affair and once it had finished the first time, i then started looking at my homelife and what needed changing to help.. this was one of them.
I agree, for me to mention it in the first place, there is deffo a problem there, and i will continue to try and address it with DH.

I have no clue on why this started. The only thing i can think is the time in my life i had met him, although thinking i was happy in my relationship, other things in my life were crumbling. My dad was having a mental breakdown, and i was having to deal with 6am drunken calls where he would explain he wanted to kill himself. I was in the process of losing my job (which did happen) and i had one of the biggest events of my life a couple of weeks later so perhaps it was to escape... but i dont know if that IS an excuse. Does there have to be a reason? A flaw in my relationship for me to do what i did? Could it not be that i just fancied another man and selfishly, very stupidly, acted on it??

I think you may be onto something there, Peppa, when you say you 'started looking at my homelife'. When it's great, it's an enduring pleasure but when it's not great, it can feel like a trap; that's how I feel about it sometimes anyway.

People are selfish, even the ones who don't have affairs, it's just their selfishness isn't taboo and doesn't generally attract much vitriol.

It sounds like you had a huge amount on your plate and an affair would be a heck of a distraction, a pleasant one at that. Only by the time you don't feel so great about it, it's already sucked you in and you're in a difficult place.

I hope your dad is ok now? Regarding your husband's drinking - it's up to him to change that but you can absolutely make sure that he doesn't make you complicit in his drinking by roping you into curries just so that he can drink. I always drink water with mine, did as a kid too - or tea. If you don't want to drink alcohol then don't - and if he feels badly about his binge drinking then he should look at that and get some help if needed.

Yes thearapy, get yourself sorted out and find out what happened that you wanted an affair. If you don't,it will likely happenagain.

And you are not someevil monster! You're human

My dad is fine now, thank you. It was terribly stressful as my dad has always been so strong, but to see him cry in my arms, devastated me.
Ironically, my father IS an alcoholic!!!
Ah, i dont know... im totally baffled. I know there is deffo something that needs tackling in regards to his drinking. It really wouldnt be a problem if he could just have a pack of 4... dont get me wrong, i like a tipple, but i dont get drunk drunk every weekend... perhaps every couple of months or so.
I told him after if it finished the first time round that we needed to make more of an effort with each other....starting with us going out as a couple and knocking the drinking on the head a little.... but its soon slipped back to how it was, to which i told him this 2 weeks ago.
Anyway, i dont want his drinking to be the main focus of this because its me that fucked up.... i did wrong, and i DO own it.
I feel like what i prided myself on this time last year, has all gone to shit. I was a decent person, who had morals and respected others.... now look!

You ARE a decent person with morals who made a poor decision that had consequences for other people. You own that, you're not trying to dodge it so please - stop being so hard on yourself.

I know you think that you need to keep the focus on the affair but you really don't - it's over and done with and you're not looking to repeat it so forgive yourself for that and draw a line now.

Your husband's issues are his to deal with though. He has to sort himself out and I think it would be helpful for your if you could define which of the issues are affecting your marriage and then engage your husband to helping to resolve them because it's his job to do that as much as it's yours.

If you think having somebody to talk to about this would help you then maybe that's an option for you to consider but certainly, stop heaping coals on your head whilst letting your husband slide around doing what he wants to the detriment of you both.

I really do wish you luck. :)

No, ive got to man up big time where the OM is concerned. The last time we spoke, he said that she had kicked him out and it looked doubtful she would take him back. And, she still doesnt know we slept together (i struggle to know how she doesnt as it was in our texts) im praying, for so many reasons she can find a way to forgive him. But, he will remain blocked as if she sticks to his guns, he may try his chances with me, purely to scratch an itch! I cant go there again, ive been hurt twice now... not again.
As for my marriage, im going to have a chat with him. Not right now, in a week or 2... i want recent events to be well and truly dealt with in my head before i tackle my next mountain.
I have my bestie to talk to about it, she has known from the start. But i want outsiders take on it... she firmly believes that he is the one in the wrong and that he is some kind of serial cheater/player. I had to remind her yesterday that i was also having an affair and i wasnt a serial cheater nor a player, so why would he be! (Although, she may have a point) x

If you want to be a good person, start by sitting your husband and kids down and explain to them that you’ve been neglecting them in favour of getting fucked by another married man.

Should be a good scene.

Badhatter that's a bit harsh isn't it

People have affairs, it doesn't mean they are bad people but that they have done a bad thing. People are flawed and we are all capable of poor decisions

My dad had an affair and it was devastating at the time but now I understand relationships are complex and their is rarely black and white in them.

Op you need to spend time reflecting on where things went wrong and how they can be put right

Have you read East of Eden? Basically the just of the novel is whether a bad person can become good. Might also help you have some breathing room mentally while you read it. A good novel can be surprisingly helpful.

Agreed isittimetogotobed, i do need to do this.... hence why im not going to approach anything to DH just now. Im going to get things straight in my head first. We have something to fight for, the minute i tell him what ive done... im sure it would be gone forever.
I may have a read of that egg... i need something to occupy my mind, it could also prevent me from neglecting my family by fucking any more men hey!!!!

Yeah, just do what BadHatter says... detonate your life and your family for some random GF on the internet's thigh-rubbing entertainment.

Peppa, I hope you're not leaning on your self-destruct button because you feel guilty? There's no point in that. At all.

Im just feeling very tearful today which has come as a shock as i dont know what im tearful about....

And, im not after sympathy before anyone suggests that i am....

The strange thing about adultery is that people who lead predominantly good, law-abiding and honest lives also do it too. The link up-thread is pretty useful.

How can you move forward?

Don’t do it again - obvious, but perhaps harder than it sounds if your marriage is in a bad place.

Don’t unburden yourself to your H or family. I think part of bearing responsibility is keeping it to yourself.

Consider counselling.

When a bit of time has passed, think about what you can do for others. It doesn’t even it out, but might help your self-esteem.

because you seem in a really bad place.

‘Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.’

I think you're probably tearful about a few things.
Guilt.
Upset at what might have happened if your family found out.
Knowing it wasn't the OM's fault but it was on both of you.
Knowing what you could still could lose.
Sadness at not seeing OM again.
Sadness at coming to terms with what your life will be like for the next 10-20 years should you stay with DH.
It's a lot to take on board.
And it will play and play and play in your head.
Get some counselling.

I completely agree with hellsbells.
And if you still love your DH and you don't think he will ever find out, then do not tell him. There is nothing to be gained from it other than causing huge upset to him and the DC, if he decides he cannot forgive you.
You have to suck up feeling like crap. Get some counselling!

You are totally right Hells... every single one of them
Im also hurt that ive been dismissed so easily from the OM, like i was nothing... who am/was i kidding!!!!

Do please think about seeing a counsellor, the person you need to concentrate on right now is you. I can really identify with your situation and i feel that all 3 men in the story have let you down - your dad, your husband and OM...
I'm not saying this in a judgemental way so as to blame them - just thinking that first your dad, then your dh and now OM have left you feeling lonely and unable to get what you need. I think this is probably why you had an affair - and now you're back at square one. To avoid more of same pattern it would be good to take stock - and also start being kind to yourself instead of self-critical. What you're going through is painful and difficult but good things could come of it.

Thank you

Rebel, yes i agree, my father and the OM have let me down, not so sure about DH. Maybe i put him on a pedestal because of what ive done, but he really isnt bad, he simply likes a beer, doesnt know when to stop and is very irritating when he has had too much, on the other hand, it does need addressing.
I will admit, i am now feeling alot of anger and resentment towards OM.... he has completely dropped me since his wife found the texts, he wasnt even intending to contact me to confirm his wife had found them, but i kept texting wanting to know.
This is the 3rd time he has made me feel like this. I dont know what i was expecting but a text explaining what was happening and a gentle 'im sorry, but we cant do this anymore, take care, blah blah' would have been nice. But my own fault, i know.
But for closure, and too ensure that he doesnt contact me again, i want to tell him how crap he has made me feel. Ive written it out, but im going to think on it for a day or 2, in hope the urge passes.

Smile
I agrer with alot you have said, and i take comfort from your words. Its never black and white. I dont think i will benefit from counselling. I tried it a few years back after my miscarriages, but soon realised it wasn't helping xx