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Original poster

His female best friend...

56 replies

meowimacat · 21/01/2018 18:56

My new man has a female best friend - they speak every day, live a few doors away from each other, see each other at least two evenings a week - which at the moment is the same or sometimes more than I see him. For example many times after we've been on a date he tells me he's going over to hers for food/drink/tv after.

He has mentioned her pretty much every time I see him. I don't even know if she knows about me yet. She is divorced, and older than him, but he did mention he used to be into older women - so that's not helped my insecurity.

I do trust him and I believe he really really likes me and wouldn't do anything to sabotage that. I also trust that he will be honest with me if I asked him if anything has ever gone on with her, he's a very upfront person. I haven't yet asked if anything has ever happened, but I'm going to have to build up the courage to. My gut is telling me that something probably has, but maybe years ago. I'm also wondering why a woman 12+ years older than him would spend so much time with him if she didn't want something more.

They are currently out for dinner tonight, and again the rational side of my brain knows that if they were that compatible then they would be a couple, not me and him.

However, the crazy annoying insecure side of my brain is going into over drive.

Would you be okay with your boyfriend/husband being in a friendship like this?
If he has had sex with her in the past, I do believe that I will never feel comfortable with their friendship no matter how long ago it was. I would never ask him not to be friends with her, but I would probably (very sadly) end our relationship.

I guess I just don't want to waste my time for years to only deal with these problems later on. Just wanting to see how others would feel. I've been in lots of relationships with guys who have girls who are friends, but this seems to be on a different level to what I'm used to.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 21/01/2018 18:59

They're very good friends, whether or they had sex. If they'd wanted to be together, they would be together so she isn't a threat.

My ex fiance is an amazing friend. We spent nearly a decade together and he lives in another country. But if he lived close by I'd love to spend time with him but that's as far as it'd go.

Original poster
meowimacat · 21/01/2018 19:02

Well the reason I have asked is because I wonder what if her intentions are different to his and she does in fact want more than a friendship?

If they have previously had sex (who knows, maybe a lot) then maybe on her end there is more to it.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 21/01/2018 19:03

I don't think it's sexual but they sound closer than the typical best friend relationship.
They sound like they are having a pseudo bf-gf relationship. He sounds very invested in her-I'm wondering if it's her that keeps him from taking it further, for whatever reason.
Be prepared to share and compete.
I wouldn't bother, personally.
PS He should be with you after a date.

Golddustsilverspring · 21/01/2018 19:04

My best friend is a male. We're both in our late 20s and been friends since we were about 13ish. He did used to have feelings for me but that was a long long long time ago. Now I spend time with him for drinks, t.v., dinner. I see him every week. He has been with his girlfriend for 4 years. At first she was a bit apprehensive about it, so I made an effort to make her comfortable and invited her along to the meet ups for a bit. It was just easier for me to make her comfortable - if she knew we were just friends I wouldn't have to lose my friend. On the flip side, My boyfriend had issue with it, as we were so close. It takes one conversation to start building trust - I didn't dismiss his concerns, I told them they were rational etc and I asked how I could make him comfortable and that there were no romantic intentions.

So id say mention it. If he's a good guy he will want to make you comfortable.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/01/2018 19:05

I've read about this a lot on here and it's not something I'd want. He goes to her house after he's been on a date with you? I couldn't handle that.

donajimena · 21/01/2018 19:06

Whether anything has or is going on she's a third wheel

SandyY2K · 21/01/2018 19:09

I wouldn't like the seeing her do frequently...so it wouldn't be the relationship for me.

NurseButtercup · 21/01/2018 19:11

She isn't a threat. If they wanted to be together you wouldn't be in the picture.

It's early days, be patient enjoy the newness of your relationship. If your relationship develops he will naturally spend less time with her and more time with you.

YearOfYouRemember · 21/01/2018 19:15

I think people are being a bit naive just firmly stating she isn't a threat. He'd be with her if he wanted to. Er, people having affairs don't always leave the first person for the second. They like having both.

SueSueDonahue · 21/01/2018 19:21

You are a new relationship, and not a serious one.

She is his best friend.

If you want a serious relationship with this man, you need to accept his best friend.

Good luck giving him an ultimatum as if I were him, I'd pick the friendship.

And no, I don't think it's suspicious in the slightest. If they'd wanted to be together, they would be!

mindutopia · 21/01/2018 19:24

I think just talk to him about it and let him know how you feel and also get to know her. My now dh had a female best friend when we started dating (she had a long term boyfriend though - they’re now married). I was suspicious at first until I learned more about her and got to know her. But she’s lovely. They never dated or had anything between them (she’d been with her boyfriend since before they even met). We’ve all moved away and don’t live close anymore (and we’re all married with children), but I adore her and actually wish we saw more of her. So I wouldn’t necessarily assume it’s anything more than what it seems especially if your relationship is still new. As it gets more serious, they will likely naturally see each other less and you’ll get to know her too, if it truly is all above board.

That said, when I met my dh my best friend was my ex (we were really close but he was a shit bf and chronically unfaithful so no interest in a relationship). My ex met his now wife around the same time. We were close and saw each other at least weekly and texted/emailed regularly too. But there was truly nothing going on (and we had had sex obviously, in a serious relationship for 4 years, lived together, etc). But that was in the past and we really were just friends. As our relationships with our partners developed, things did change. He’s still a friend and we talk a few times a year, but we’ve been with our partners for 10+ years now. We were invited to each other’s weddings, etc. So don’t discount your new relationship even if this friend was ever more than a friend as long as he’s open and honest and happy for you to get to know her too. Because it’s totally possible to have friendships, even with exes, as long as it’s very aboveboard, and it truly is just a friendship.

Usernom1234567890 · 21/01/2018 19:24

If he spends 2 nights per week with this female friend, how are you going to have time to develop your relationship?

XmasInTintagel · 21/01/2018 19:30

I had a friendship like this, I was about 10 years older than my friend, but we had a similar sense of humour and shared a hobby. We talked about what the relationship was, because several of his friends kept asking! We were happy that it was genuinely platonic on both sides (I was actually seeing someone, who didn't mind about it, but this may partly have been that he didn't generally give a toss about me, or what I did!). His friends never fully believed that, and frequently warned him that I was bound to be after him but biding my time.
I would say hand on heart that there was nothing to worry about, but when he got a serious girlfriend, he became a lot less available, and we lost touch. We swapped emails briefly, but couldn't find a good time to meet up. I suspect his girlfriend d was not completely comfortable with it, so I have left it (I know a friend of his, and he tells me they are very happy, and knowing that is enough for me :-) ).
But, if it was my current boyfriend who had a female pal he hung out with loads, I would still struggle with that - I know its hypocritical, but like you, I just wouldn't like it!

AnyFucker · 21/01/2018 19:34

Sloppy seconds, huh ? Nice.

Jesus, there are some proper cool folk on here. He's in a relationship with her. Wouldn't be happening in my world. There are plenty of men perfectly happy to concentrate on just one woman at a time.

velouria · 21/01/2018 19:39

I went out with someone like this for a few dates, I couldn't be arsed with it. We stopped dating but hooked up for a night awhile later and the "best friend" turned out to have been the affair partner he was lusting after that broke up his marriage. He was patently in love with her, I just would not ever do this dynamic. Be wary.

velouria · 21/01/2018 19:42

When we were actually dating btw he told me this friend was totally platonic, and they had tried something once but it was weird. He spun a line on a blatantly obvious situation looking back

rothbury · 21/01/2018 19:51

I would not tolerate this at all. I wouldn't want my boyfriend dating other women.

Original poster
meowimacat · 21/01/2018 19:52

Thanks everyone so much for the responses. It's just a tricky situation as things are still early days with me and him so I haven't wanted to ask too many questions. But obviously I am not wanting to be second best to another woman.

If your relationship develops he will naturally spend less time with her and more time with you.

Possibly, but as they are practically neighbours AND I am a single mum so don't have much time to spend with him on week nights, I do feel like he will still spend that much time with her.

Good luck giving him an ultimatum as if I were him, I'd pick the friendship.

Absolutely never said anything about giving him an ultimatum. Calm down.

OP posts:
CTC6664 · 21/01/2018 20:03

If you are not comfortable then end it whilst it’s still new. Sounds like it’s going to eat away at you

PNGirl · 21/01/2018 20:04

My worry would be that she is the one who didn't want more and that she might change her mind. Magically happened to me once. My ex's female friend decided she was in love with him about 3 weeks after he told her about me. Then she changed her mind about a month later.

pigeondujour · 21/01/2018 20:30

Can't help but think how indifferent I'd have to feel towards a man to go to another man's house after dates with him.

velouria · 21/01/2018 20:31

Same guy had another relationship split up, because she had reservations about a different friend. He obviously has boundary issues with females, it's why I'm sceptical of all the yeah we are great friends thing (between the sexes). You may think it's all platoni, but one of men they rarely put effort into being nice to someone they wouldn't like to fuck, even if it would never actually happen.

loveyoutothemoon · 21/01/2018 20:34

I wouldn't be happy with him going to hers after a date!

starzig · 21/01/2018 21:03

Wouldn't bother me

Youngmystery · 21/01/2018 21:33

That's really weird that after a date with you he goes and sees her. Does he go to tell her about it to make her jealous and want him? Why doesn't he spend the rest of the night with you, why does he need to go over to a friend's for a meal or watch tv?

I wouldn't put up with that. Maybe they don't want to be together but they basically are together, whether they believe it or not.

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