His female best friend...

[meowimacat]

My new man has a female best friend - they speak every day, live a few doors away from each other, see each other at least two evenings a week - which at the moment is the same or sometimes more than I see him. For example many times after we've been on a date he tells me he's going over to hers for food/drink/tv after.

He has mentioned her pretty much every time I see him. I don't even know if she knows about me yet. She is divorced, and older than him, but he did mention he used to be into older women - so that's not helped my insecurity.

I do trust him and I believe he really really likes me and wouldn't do anything to sabotage that. I also trust that he will be honest with me if I asked him if anything has ever gone on with her, he's a very upfront person. I haven't yet asked if anything has ever happened, but I'm going to have to build up the courage to. My gut is telling me that something probably has, but maybe years ago. I'm also wondering why a woman 12+ years older than him would spend so much time with him if she didn't want something more.

They are currently out for dinner tonight, and again the rational side of my brain knows that if they were that compatible then they would be a couple, not me and him.

However, the crazy annoying insecure side of my brain is going into over drive.

Would you be okay with your boyfriend/husband being in a friendship like this?
If he has had sex with her in the past, I do believe that I will never feel comfortable with their friendship no matter how long ago it was. I would never ask him not to be friends with her, but I would probably (very sadly) end our relationship.

I guess I just don't want to waste my time for years to only deal with these problems later on. Just wanting to see how others would feel. I've been in lots of relationships with guys who have girls who are friends, but this seems to be on a different level to what I'm used to.

[SandyY2K]

To be honest seeing a friend twice a week is a bit strange at this age.

I couldn't be bothered putting the energy into it tbh.

[bobstersmum]

It would put me right off this guy.

[Joysmum]

I’d have a problem if he was investing more time/effort in his friendship than our relationship.

[Golddustsilverspring]

Why should people throw away friendships for a new relationship?

On the other hand, date-wise - are you 2 sleeping together? Early on in a relationship (and hopefully beyond!) Every time I have been on a date with my new BF I haven't wanted to end the night, cuddling and sex usually occur. Do you know about them meeting before the date? I would never double book on a date! If he tells you he's going to her afrer I would cancel and say you wont be fitted in !!!!

[OutToGetYou]

I've had make friends I've hung out with a lot with never any desire for it to be sexual on either side. However, in every case the friendship has reduced drastically when one or other gets a partner. Quite rightly.

[Karigan1]

My partners best friend is female. It’s fine by me. If they wanted to be together they would have been before I was ever around. Relax but insist on no secrets. The minute he lies about where he has been then you worry.

[Xanadu44]

If he wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with him they would be together. They aren't together. He is with you.

[honeyroar]

I was very good friends with my ex. We had a mutual hobby and id moved back to the area he lived in (and I'd grown up in/my parents lived) and didn't know many people, so I still hung out with him and met his friends. He was a bit of a womaniser, he had endless girlfriends and often cheated on them. I used to really tell him off. Ironically a lot of his girlfriends hated our friendship, when I was the one he wasn't sleeping with. Then I met my husband and shortly afterwards he met his wife. We all got on well and went to each other's weddings. Fifteen years on we're still friends, although it faded a bit as our respective relationships grew.

[MrsPierceMorgan]

I think that some of you are being naive in saying "if they wanted to be together they would be" ! That is straightforward logical thinking BUT life is messy . People are messy . meowimacat, if this bothers you now , it is only going to get worse . Going to her after a date - just NO .

[GunnyHighway]

Gotta love MN,

"My DH doesn't like my male friend"hell

He's being controlling LTB

"my dh has a female friend"

He's fucking her, LTB.

[Joysmum]

GunnyHighway you do understand that munsnet isn’t a collective voice right? It’s a bunch of unrelated strangers who all post independent opinions. That’s beauty of it. People can see things are 100% clear cut and everyone reading can pick and choose what resonates with them.

[Layla8]

I couldn’t handle this. If you like him a lot, maybe wait and see how it goes ? See if he cuts down on his visits to her as your relationship develops. Just wouldn’t sit comfortably with me at all.

[hellsbellsmelons]

My new man
So you've not been seeing him long.
This is an issue for you (it would be for me as well)
So end it before you get anymore invested in this guy.
Life is way too short for this crap.

[Thinkingofausername1]

Sometimes male friends are better than female friends. However, I can see why you feel that way. Can you invite her to dinner and see, how they are in front of you?? I did that once to my dh; about a colleague he kept tweeting. The reaction was priceless when I said, should have her round for dinner. Hence, the tweeting stopped when he realised how he had treated me, in the evenings.

As long, as he isn't ignoring you when you are spending time together, that's all that matters but if he is ignoring you and texting her in the evenings then that is a concern

[Mycashybear]

Female friend of my best friend (male) for more years than I care to remember. I have this every single time. No I don’t want to sleep with him, no I am not plotting your demise, no we are not secretly working out how to be together.
Ladies please please get past this it is tiring. If I wanted to be with him assuming he felt the same I’m sure I’ve had years to do that. It would be like sleeping with my brother eeeeewwww
Perhaps you should be thinking he told me about her...if he didn’t then be concerned. Men rarely talk about women they are seeing (in my experience) on the side.

[ShatnersWig]

I have a man with a female best friend. Known her fifteen years. I also have other very close female friends I've known between 20 and 30 years.

An ex-partner had issues with this. I'd never slept or kissed or been attracted to any of my female friends. My best friend is like my sister (I have no siblings) and we are very alike. The first people I introduced my ex to was my best friend (who was then single), plus two other female friends (and their husbands).

She tried to say that I could never see my female friends on my own, only in a group with her present.

This is why she is my ex. My friends were here long before any partner. I am happy to introduce them, I am happy for us all to socialise in a group, but I won't be told I cannot meet up with any of my female friends on a one-to-one basis occasionally. Their gender is immaterial to me.

There is a balance between ensuring a partner feels comfortable and a partner with issues trying showing controlling behaviour.

[FlippingFoal]

I think the problem is mentionitis - who talks about a friend (or even family) every day? Indeed who -has the time- sees a friend more than once a week? It just comes across as a friendship that would invade on family time long term. Going 'out with the lads' once a week would be more normal. Going round to a friend's (regardless of sex) after a date, is not something I would consider normal.

[MistressDeeCee]

I'd say talk to him about it.

To be honest its not as simple as, if they liked each other that way they'd be together.

I've an acquaintance who sleeps with a younger guy. She doesn't want a relationship with him. They get on well, he does DIY takes her to supermarket when she's doing the big shop, they'll have occasional nights out.

They've known each other ages, he's had girlfriends since knowing her, currently in an LTR. I suspect he'd be with her if she wanted a relationship. But she doesn't. She doesn't mind the convenience of him though, I suppose. & that could be matched with, he likes having 2 women. Who knows. But one doesn't mind, the other doesn't know re partners, is the usual way of it.

Not every woman wants a man around all the time. Not every woman is fussed if a man has a girlfriend. That's just life.

Talk to him and see if what he says, reassures you. Work out how you honestly feel afterwards. It's ok not to be with a man if his boundaries don't align with yours. It's not ok to feel un-nerved, but hide that because you fear losing the man and the relationship.

You need peace of mind for a relationship to work well or it's a waste of time.

All I know is, if I was seeing a man and at end of a date I wanted to go off and be with another man..then whether I claimed "just a friend" or not, it's the 2nd guy who'd be the one I'm more into. Hence the need to end my evening with him, to spend more time with him than with my own DP. & likely, to not mention man no.1, so as to not to give the impression that it's anything serious between us.

[meowimacat]

Ok just to explain why he left to go and see her after my date. I had to go home as my ex was bringing my kids back. We had spend the whole day/early evening together being intimate etc. As I was leaving I asked what he was up to. He told me he was going over to her house to watch a tv show they watch together and have some food. He also told me they had both fallen asleep on the sofa whilst watching it. It was early on so to be honest I wasn't that invested in him and didn't care. Now it makes me question things.

I'm asking him tonight so will let you know what he tells me about them. Part of me doesn't want to let go of the best guy I have ever had a connection with. But, I do believe he likes the female attention, and maybe like you say MistressDeeCee she may not want a man around all the time but enjoy his company. He's a really good looking lovely guy, he really should be married by now and has had lots of girlfriends so it does make me wonder if she has come in the way of other relationships.

We'll see.

[Golddustsilverspring]

I wouldn't fall asleep with my best friend on the sofa after watching tv ...

Its a bit cozy isn't it. Like a part time boyfriend for her.

[TheNaze73]

He could be with her he wanted, he chose you. Don’t let your own insecurities drive a wedge.

I think if anyone had to make a choice between a life long friend & a someone they’re dating they barely know, you know what the answer would be. Don’t make this total non issue, become an issue.

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

My boyfriend and I are in a LDR and his best friend (woman) is over his place loads. Even if she wasn’t a lesbian I don’t think I’d have that much of a problem with it other than occasionally getting annoyed because he’s too busy to call me because she’s over again obsessing about her tinder dates.

I know your relationship is new and everything but why wouldn’t he have told his best friend who he sees all the time that he’s dating you? I would be a bit... at that.

[SecretSantaaaaaa]

Why would he tell you they fell to sleep on the sofa? Sounds like someone is trying to keep you on your toes. Bleurgh

[Korez]

My ex had a lesbian best friend, and they spent a lot of time together... it didn't bother me, other than when he revealed that when they hung out they would share a bed 'just to sleep': this however was a deal breaker for me... we broke up subsequently due to the fact he was a twat...

Funnily enough one of my best friends is a guy, but I wouldn't share a bed with him... but I'd fall asleep on his sofa quite happily..

You could explain what you're not comfortable with in a friendship and ask him to amend things slightly, if he's not willing to compromise... then that would be a sea breaker for me... good luck x