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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBXH won’t allow me to contact DD when he has her

66 replies

sunshiney78 · 21/01/2018 14:50

Hello. My STBXH has DD6 every other weekend with OW. She’s very attached to me and has told me that she gets tearful at night when she’s with her dad because she misses me. This W/end I wouldn’t have seen her from Sat am to Mon eve as I’m working tomorrow & she is with childminder a after school. STBXH is dropping her off at school tom.
STBXH has Narcissistic PD & was & is EA & verbally abusive towards me (Can’t believe I still have to deal with this, but any contact re: DD ends up hostile from his side).
This weekend he isn’t answering my calls or texts asking if DD is okay & can I FaceTime.
Firstly, I do hope she’s okay. Secondly, how can I stop him from doing this?

OP posts:
waterrat · 21/01/2018 14:52

Do you know anyone who is friends/ family of his that could mediate between you on this?

I know it's hard but I would really try not to let your daughter know that this is an issue between you and her dad, I think that will contribute to her anxiety about it.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 21/01/2018 14:56

Thanks. No she doesn’t see any hostility from him. He just shouts at me over the phone or sends nasty texts. Possibly his mother, but she hasn’t contacted me since he left us.

OP posts:
headinhands · 21/01/2018 15:02

Do you need to keep calling/texting over the weekend?

mojito55 · 21/01/2018 15:05

Of course she's ok, he's her dad not a stranger. I'd be annoyed if my ex wife kept trying to call me as well.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 21/01/2018 15:06

We agreed to one FaceTime call in 48hrs. He’s not allowing this, so I texted to ask how she is. I wouldn’t expect to call or text more than once for a 2 night stay.

OP posts:
Coolaschmoola · 21/01/2018 15:07

Do you facilitate phone contact between them during your time?

If so tell him that as he has decided there is to be no contact with the other parent during contact you will, of course, follow his decision during the 12 days she's with you.

VivaLeBeaver · 21/01/2018 15:08

Honestly? Even though it might be hard for both of you initially I think it will help her settle more if you’re not contacting her. She’s got to get used to been at her dads and her dad sorting her out. It’s a bit like overnight school trips I guess where the teachers don’t want parents ringing as they say the kids are worse afterwards?

Notasperfectasallothermners · 21/01/2018 15:08

I suspect a judge would say he is entitled to enjoy his contact time without you ringing /etc during it. Your dd will become more settled in time without feeling anxious she isn't allowed to contact you. Tell her an extra cuddle then off to df and see her at x day /time.

negomi90 · 21/01/2018 15:09

Is she old enough for a cheap phone which she can use to call either of her parents whenever she want to?
You'd have to frame it to your ex as it being used for both of you - you can call her direct and so can he. Likewise she can call either of you.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 21/01/2018 15:10

mojito55, he isn’t the greatest. I was stepmum to his 2 DCs from his previous marriage (I was not OW) & when he had them every other w/end he would bring them over & go to sleep! He wouldn’t feed them, get them to wash or entertain them.
DD told me that when she was there he made her have Sunday lunch 2 rooms away (separated by 2 closed doors) in the kitchen whilst everyone else sat at the table, because he didn’t like the smell of her food. Thank goodness she didn’t seem upset about it, she just said “I had the dogs” Bless her 😓

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshiney78 · 21/01/2018 15:11

I always get her on the phone whenever he rings btw.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 21/01/2018 15:11

I’m not defending his general behaviour at all because he sounds awful but in my experience as a stepmum and professional experience working with children it actually makes it worse when children are homesick to talk to the parent or FaceTime. I also know that for my OH it can be a bit frustrating when his very limited time is interrupted by constant calls with Mum as she wouldn’t allow him to speak to his daughter every day when she’s with her Mum.
Obviously he could easily just let you know she’s ok but based on his emotionally abusive behaviour in the relationship I’m not surprised that he doesn’t, not that it makes it ok. I think really you just have to accept that this is the way it will be.

MagicFajita · 21/01/2018 15:12

With respect , op , is this about your anxiety or hers? Or does it perhaps make her want to come home if she sees your face on FaceTime?

I don't mean this with any nastiness op as I know it's hard to let your dc go to their dad's house and be away from them when they are small.

You do need to find a proper way to talk about it though , even if your ex is difficult.

Also , plan fun things for yourself when your dc are away. Make it an enjoyable time for you.

Allington · 21/01/2018 15:15

When DD went on Brownie camps they were very firm about no contact from parents (not that I wanted to!). They had years of experience between them and knew how to handle the emotional parts e.g. bedtime, and contact with parents made it worse. If necessary they would call parents to collect if the girl wasn't coping (without judgement, and she would be welcome next time). That never happened in the 5 years we were involved.

OK, your STBXH probably doesn't have those emotional skills. On the other hand, it sounds like his weekends are frequent and regular. Be positive with her about her ability to cope and enjoy seeing her dad, and stop trying to get contact.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 21/01/2018 15:17

Oh I have anxiety definitely. It just doesn’t seem right, I would never withhold information or prevent a phonecall if it were the other way around. But if it’s truly better for her, then of course I’ll Live with it.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/01/2018 15:19

it actually makes it worse when children are homesick to talk to the parent or FaceTime.

Agree with this TBH IME with my DC. They are sad about dadda when they are with me and sad about mamma when they are with him but I only see them being sad about him and he only sees them being sad about me.

I don’t think you should call.

Re the rest of it, either he is safe to be around DD unsupervised (and despite it being really crappy that his GF may be doing all the caring this isn’t unsafe) or he needs supervision or he isn’t safe at all.

She is 6 so she is old enough to talk to about things like being made to sit in the kitchen.

ThisLittleKitty · 21/01/2018 15:23

Yabu

RickGrimesStoleMyHat · 21/01/2018 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 21/01/2018 15:35

I am very careful to keep things upbeat & focus on what an awesome time she’s having, but I do want to do everything I can to make it easier for her, so maybe no contact is the way to go.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 21/01/2018 15:36

I would say that you should back off. However no contact goes both ways

Offred · 21/01/2018 15:36

Yes, my DC used to get really upset at handovers. H would linger hugging them and sometimes crying himself 🙄, full of ‘I will miss you LOADS’ ‘I am sad when you are not here’ and as soon as he left they had a hug and were fine... All it achieved was making him feel really bad about leaving them.

They are better now and have their own phones and don’t really get upset anymore as they have got more used to it.

I said to them at one point ‘how about when you are with me and sad about missing dadda you tell me that you are and we have a big juggle and when you are with dadda and sad about me you tell him that you are and have a big hug with them’

I also deliberately avoid saying directly to them that I miss them when they say they are sad and miss me. Instead I’ll say something like ‘Oh no! I’m sorry you are feeling a bit sad but I bet you are doing something really nice with dadda. I am just resting/doing housework/whatever’...

gillybeanz · 21/01/2018 15:36

I agree with others that contact can make homesickness worse.
Stop putting her on the phone when he calls and say that it was his decision for no contact during the other parents time, and you agree.

Offred · 21/01/2018 15:37

huggle and him

😩

BewareOfDragons · 21/01/2018 15:42

Stop facilitating his phone calls for a few weeks while she's home with you.

Point out the hypocrisy when he complains. Tell him if it doesn't work both ways, then you will do as he does.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 15:43

What was wrong with her food? Obviously the answer is nothing. But did she eat something different?

Could you give her something of yours to she take with her and use it as a comfort when she is away? Or buy/find a teddy that has magical powers to love and protect her and each time she hugs it, the you are thinking of her and sending her all your love and kisses?